Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Great, Nice Guys to Have Fun With

"Soul mate. Two little words, one big concept. A belief that someone, somewhere, is holding the key to your heart. And your dreamhouse. All you have to do is find them. So, where is this person? And if you love someone and it didn't work out, does that mean they weren't your soulmate? Were they just a runner-up contestant in this gameshow called happily ever after? And, as you move from age box to age box and the contestants get fewer and fewer, are your chances of finding your soulmate less and less?" Are soulmates a reality, or a torture device?"

Charlotte: Don't laugh at me, but maybe we can be each other's soul-mates? And then, we could let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with.

Samantha: Well...that sounds like a plan.

From: Sex & The City

Everybody says that I have to be strong & be able to be happy with myself being alone first before someone else can share my life. I thought I have been happy alone & now want to find someone who enhances the life I've made for myself & my son. But so far there are no takers. In a moment of synchronicity I was watching SATC & the above episode was on. I had been thinking about my amazing friends & how lucky I was to have them. My BFF (1) who is like a mother hen--extremely protective of me & willing to confront the bull (and any other guy who's wronged me in some way for that matter--see Christmas Eve fiasco) when they've hurt me. [I may not have written about that--the guy from work & I were supposed to go out Xmas eve & he texts me right when he was supposed to come over to cancel. I may be Jewish but that really sucked.] CFW who is the one who says that I shouldn't settle for second best when it comes to the bull, BFF (2) who can always be practical about situations, & my sis who really more than anyone else helps me cut through the bullshit & see the big picture. They are my soul mates just like Charlotte says & I am grateful to have them all. And sure enough the bull really is a great, nice guy to have fun with (for now...)

New Year's Eve:

The universe continues its quest to laugh at me... Last night I get a phone call from the bull (hadn't heard from him since Boxing Day) saying he will most probably spend New Year's with me now. So do I say, "No, I have plans?" or "Oh, that's great!"? I know I should have said that I had plans, but according to my mom that would be cutting of my nose to spite my face--I have to agree. If I told him to piss off then I'd spend NYE wondering what he was doing & who he was with & bemoaning the fact that I wasn't with him & generally being shitty company to everyone around me. Instead I get my wish to spend it with him, have a great dinner with my family, & then go to a party with my BFF(1) & shoot off fireworks & have someone to kiss for the New Year. That to me sounds like as close to an ideal New Year's as I've had in a while. Needless to say, I am quite happy.

To all who read this: Have a happy & safe New Year's and all the best to everyone for 2009!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Infinite Abyss

Andrew Largeman: Hey Albert
Albert: Yeah?
Andrew Largeman: Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.
Albert: Thank you, and Hey, you too.

From: Garden State

I love that movie. It came out at a time when I was exploring being separated & what it felt like to start over. For those who haven't seen it, Andrew Largeman, played by Zach Braff (whom (thx BD) I love), sort of wakes up from the stupor of his life. I like to think that I woke up too. The scene where this dialogue takes place is on the edge of a quarry--The edge of what?? I like the imagery. About a third of the way down is a very old boat that a couple lives in. Albert's Quarry. I go back to that movie a lot as I experience my own awakenings. I especially like the quote above as I feel that often I have to explore the "infinite abyss" of my emotions & where I'm headed & what I want especially when it concerns meeting someone who will enhance my life. So what this all means is that I had an abyss moment on Thursday when I almost left the bull's apartment & drove home at about 11:30 at night. I am still seething about New Year's & I was feeling miles apart from the bull (no pun intended) & he wasn't doing much to close the gap--heh. I was feeling frustrated that I'm always at arm's length & I still am.

Earlier in the evening we had been to the wonderful party I mentioned in another post. It was great--we had a good time together as usual. My mom mentions to me how much the bull seems attentive to me, & how his body language shows how much he's into me. It confuses her because of the situation our relationship is in. How can he be so much a part of me & so involved as he is & still hold me so far away? That was why I almost left.
He convinced me not to, but as I explored the abyss, I decided a few things: namely that I can't continue to expect anything more from him right now & that I have to accept this, stop analyzing it, or decide that having a good time with the bull isn't worth it anymore & TRULY MOVE ON... My decision will most probably come after the holidays when things get back to normal. I also think that this is a reaction to the whole holiday stress too so I need to wait.

The other abyss is the dating one. I cancelled a couple of my online services because I'm not finding anyone. I have a few guys calling and/or emailing but there seems to be a real lack of dating material at the moment. Maybe it's the economy or the season--but there is a real dearth of available men--at least ones that I like. One of my friends & I may try a speed-dating experiment just to liven things up.

Update: As of right now I am spending New Year's with my family--my sister will be in & I'm looking forward to spending time with her so maybe a bull-less NY is a good one after all.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Holiday Frustrations

Horoscope for Today from MSN:
"Love matters might appear to be moving far more slowly than you'd like, dear Cancer. Both you and your current romantic interest may be overloaded with other responsibilities for now and might not be able to see much of each other. It's frustrating, but you'll get through it. In the meantime, don't let your insecurities get the best of you. Just because your friend is busy doesn't mean that your relationship is totally on the rocks. Be patient!"

Sometimes these horrible-scope things actually make sense. Whenever the Bull needs to tell me bad news, he always texts me rather than calling. So I knew something was up when in the middle of my school holiday luncheon, I see that he's texted me. "So cocktails is on? Remind me when? I don't think I can do New Year's. Son & family. Please don't apply pressure. I would do it if I could." Cocktails refers to Christmas Day eve. I have a big & fancy shindig to attend near the Bull in Bethesda. One of my mom's best friends is an amazing caterer & has this party every year--this is the first year I've been invited so it's huge. I should be happy that I at least get one of the big holidays with him, right? Why am I so disappointed then about New Year's? And like my horoscope says--don't let insecurities get the best of me--which they are... I want to take the Bull at what he says, but those niggling doubts linger & so here I am questioning everything again. And what pressure? What am I going to do--be pouty & truculent so as to ruin things further? No, I'm locked into accepting without voicing disappointment so I'm not misconstrued as being pushy or whiney. This is the exact type of situation that leaves me on the fence with my relationship with the Bull. I don't like not knowing or feeling insecure in where we are--and feeling unable to really tell him how I feel about it without negative repercussions. I'll have to wait until well after the event to discuss it with him & by then, of course, because that's his intent, it won't be as big a deal to me anymore.

There it is: Be patient (according to my horoscope), enjoy the 25th & suck it up! I now don't have a date for New Year's--and I've admitted it on my blog too!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Bad Dates

Where to start--Think about the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indy goes to eat the date, tosses it up in the air to let it fall in his mouth, his buddy grabs it before it falls in, points to the dead monkey & says "Bad dates". And that sorta sums up the parallels between episodes. I can't even begin to say how kinda ick this weekend has been. Not horrible--I keep learning more & experiencing more. Which isn't a bad thing. Scene A & Scene B.

Let's go to Scene B: I met this guy online--same site as where I met the bull. I call him the preacher-man. I should have been warned to the real quirkiness by the fact that he had 11 children. All with the same woman--of course... And that he was a former Evangelical pastor. I was intrigued by this person & he seemed cool & wrote quite eloquently. But again, shoulda been tipped off by the amount of texting & phone calls I received once it was confirmed there was an interest. There IS such a thing as too much interest too soon.

But I was very curious about someone who had been quite sheltered for so many years & would reject it all & become a hippie-type-ish. He seemed like a sensitive soul--peaceful & calm. Polar opposite of my other buddy.

The plan was to meet & go see Alex Grey @ Sonar. Grey is a very cool artist--psychedelic & futuristic. This was a multimedia performance--I'm pissed I missed it. Long story short--we imbibed & he was out of it--apparently he wasn't too much a drinker or anything so it really hit him. So instead of a cool experience I'm stuck at home philosophizing with this dude I don't know about his divorce, dating, raising all those kids, losing his religion & getting him sober enough to get him out of my home. He is a gentle soul--I felt downright wicked in comparison. I felt badly for him too. He was still in the early stages of his divorce & he seemed a bit adrift by it all. But one thing he said that I think will stick with me is what made the whole experience all alright. He said, "In pursuing a passionate life, you will have to suffer pain." I think I agree, but I think that's a good thing.

I'm glad he left. Bad grapes. At least I recorded the Ravens game.

Scene A: Raucous night with the bull. Hot tubbin' with friends of mine. It all started out as is usual--nice dinner, very generous folks who really wanted to meet the bull & hadn't yet. Great hot tub--very comfortable with four people. We had a lot of fun. But the bull overdoes it--he got very dehydrated. Got him out of the tub, but pretty soon after he got into the house, he got violently ill. At least he made it to the bathroom. So here I am stuck with a sick cow very late at night hearing about how my friends are going to buy new shutters & siding. All I want to do is get home & get him in bed so he can feel better rather than being slumped in a chair. I guess if this had been much sooner in our relationship I would have been apalled or something. In a sense this familiarity was nice, even if the experience wasn't. He amuses me--he has such an ego & can be so damn selfish, but I have so much fun with him most of the time--just comparing him to the preacher just makes it so clear to me that pacifist-types won't work. Raucous is just the word to describe my type.

Monday, December 15, 2008



I know we don't talk about it.
We don't tell each other.
All the little things that we need.
We work our way around each other.
As we tremble and we bleed.
It's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, Bitter than sweet.
It's a bittersweet surrender
--Big Head Todd & the Monsters

Did I mention that I was tired? Like so many other things around the holiday, I just need a break. Maybe this dating thing isn't worth it right now--the effort is sometimes too much. I guess I wish everything were easier & I didn't feel like I often have to jump through hoops. The question remains--where's the prince? All the men I see right now just have so much frog about them--no commitment or no exclusivity, etc., etc....

It's not like I had a bad weekend. I saw the guy from work on Thursday & that was fun, albeit brief. But I don't see a future there either--recent break-up & wants to date, not be with one person. Of course I'll still go out with him if he wants & I do like him, but again a frog.

Saturday was a co-worker's Christmas party. The bull accompanied me & of course we were late. We had just hit the beltway when my buddy texts me to find out where we were. Apparently no one cared about my arrival but had much anticipation waiting to finally meet the bull in person. Such pressure! But as usual, he is such the charmer. My other friend tried to get personal information from him but he evades, evades & dodges...hence the walls I refer to. Sometimes I never know when I'll see the real person--sometimes I do, & that is when I like the bull the most. But it is fleeting & frustrating.

We always have a lot of fun together but I get tired trying to get to the real man. After six months I sometimes wonder how much better I actually know him. And of course I still struggle with our relationship status of committed but not exclusive. There's that frog business.

And the pressure of the holidays: will we spend New Year's together?

Final Note:

To my dear friend Terry Long:
I miss you, you were an amazing friend who had incredible talents & shared them with everyone...Rest in Peace...Love you...."Way to go!" "Excellent!"

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Was That Whirlwind my Weekend?

Or: What happens when you go nonstop from Friday to Sunday. Eventually you crash. I hope I can get a nap this afternoon. Whew--I'm not complaining because I think this was as about an ideal a weekend as I have had in a VERY LONG time.

Friday evening: Down to D.C. The bull & I go to hear Nada Surf at the 9:30 Club. It was good fun--not that the band was great--parts were but sometimes their lyrics are quite pendantic. Then playing their ballads at the concert just didn't work for them. On the other hand, the little we heard of Delta Spirit--another band I like, was super! And I seemed to have gotten over some of my issues about comparisons & self-esteem & was a little bit flirty at the concert--though not with the bull. It was interesting to see the bull's reaction--arms around me & somewhat possessive....which is nice because he can have a tendency for wandering eye syndrome. I actually don't care about men who look, but it was fun to get him going. He was a lot of fun & after last week's revelations, makes it even harder to extricate myself. He MUST have sensed it because he's been so different lately. We went to a great Chinese food dive after the music where the skinned ducks hang over the counter & rice steam is rising out of the pots in the front of the restaurant--a lot like the places in Chinatown in San Francisco. I have to say--one of the best times I've had with the bull in a while.

Saturday: Drove back to Baltimore to prepare for the bull to come up here with his son. First time I've met him & our sons have met each other. His son is a little younger than mine. I was quite nervous--of course not too sure what to expect. But the boys got along great & again we all had a super time. Took them to Fort McHenry & then we got Attman's for a late lunch/dinner.

The only downside was the bull getting pulled over by the city cops for apparently making an illegal traffic move. The cops were incredibly rude. I had pulled up to wait & when I saw that it wasn't going to be a routine stop I got out of my car to see what was going on. I walked over to talk to the bull & one of the cops starts yelling at me to get away from the bull's car because they were "in the middle of an investigation". He kept yelling at me to walk far away so obviously I did but it was very uncool. Especially the $90 traffic ticket that the bull will need to contest. Despite that, the rest of our time was super.

Later took everyone over to Hampden to see the Christmas lights on 34th. We walked down the block & again it was really great. The boys really did get along & seemed to enjoy hanging out together. There has been talk about a ski trip--we'll see what happens with that one...I'm not holding my breath.

Here's where things get complicated: The bull leaves & my new friend from work pays me a visit. Excellent chemistry, & no pheromone issues--I think he could really make me move along with the bull. Of course it's early, but I have a really good feeling about this.

My mom says that the bull is a good "transition" relationship. My bff, CFW says I ought to find a card thanking him for being part of my Transition team. But he doesn't feel transitional right now--we realized that we've been seeing each other, more or less, for six months now...in a way that's kinda nice too.... It's never easy, is it?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Deal breakers

Everyone who's dating likes to talk about their deal breakers. Like cigarette smoking or being a heavier drinker, etc. As I've been dating I've figured out my deal breakers--smoking being one for sure. I hate l kissing ashtrays. Heavy drinking is another--but if you are a wine afficionado then that's a different story. If a guy doesn't like going to hear music then that can be a potential pitfall as well. If you're following this line of thought you may have noticed that I haven't even touched on looks as deal breakers. I'm kind of sensitive about looks but I have found myself being shallow myself. I want a guy who's active & athletic so if a guy is bigger & chunky it is harder for me to accept. If he's bigger & solid, that's ok. The final sticking point is height. I like tall men. There, I've said it. If a guy is my height, I just struggle mightily--he may be super perfect in so many other ways but if I can't look up to you, well.....

Enter my lunch date today. There's so much there that works about him. Lives less than 5 minutes from me. Intelligence, quirkiness, great green eyes, athletic & active, but he's short. Everyone tells me to get over it, look beyond & he could be just what I'm looking for. Bleh!!! He WAS great. No comparisons with the bull at all. Sigh...I do like him--he is the closest to what I want except for that little niggling fact. I told everyone at work today that I fully intend to look beyond my deal breaker & I certainly will try--there's just too much there.