Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Parking Jobs

The Geek: Where the hell am I?
Caroline: I'll, uh, tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.
The Geek: I'm Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You're in the parking lot in front of my church.
The Geek: You own a church?

--Sixteen Candles

What can be interpreted by where a gentleman caller parks his car when he comes for a visit?
Apparently, my BFFs think quite a bit. Some of my friends park me in. BFF(A) & CFW say that is an indication of staking a claim on me or parts of me.... Others park down on the corner or around the corner facing up the street (I have a corner lot). Interpreted thusly: "Quick getaway.." One, and I am quite pleased about this one, parks right in front. Saying clearly--I'm honest & open to the possibilities. I just think it's quite telling, not even sure if it's a conscious decision on their parts...interesting.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Xmas for Singles

“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.” --He's Just Not That Into You

Despite it being Christmas & all that it entails (& I'm not even Christian...), I was a busy woman. And yes, the quote above tends to be true--not necessarily the rejection, although that has happened, but not too much recently. But in terms of rejection, what I have found is that if I'm doing the rejecting I tend not to answer those calls, texts, emails, etc., & hopefully the guy gets the picture (most do, some get a bit cyber-stalkery on occasion) & if I'm the one being rejected I just never get called again. Dude who dropped at least $200 last Friday is a no-call, speaking of not being interested, but neither was I so no harm, no foul. Still, very busy in portal-ville over the holiday.

Which begins the Jewish Christmas. What do you do when your kid is with the former in-law's family, your family is not doing anything, & you do not currently have a significant other? Movies & Chinese food on Christmas! Christmas Eve was with one of my good buddies, my Zen Cyclist, and we had sushi & saw Avatar 3-D. We always have a blast together & I can usually pick his brain about male behavior, & my situations. He can be a good source of info--kinda like Alex in the above-mentioned movie. He's recently remarried to a woman who is currently working in India so he was "single" as well. I wasn't disappointed--good insights always.

Last year I had this big cocktail party I went to with the Bull, this year I didn't go--it actually wasn't because I didn't have a date, that really didn't bother me, it was because my friend Aa had no one at all to hang with over Christmas & I felt bad for her. I am grateful because at least I had choices & she did not--it depressed me so I wanted to be a good friend. We did the double feature movie thingy--saw Up in the Air & then saw Sherlock Holmes. I haven't been to this many movies in ages! Up in the Air was good & reminded me quite a bit of one of my friends--similar parallels...I'm sure if he sees it, he'll get the similarities right away. Sherlock Holmes was a fun "date" movie in my opinion--good stuff for the guys & stuff for the chickies as well.

Then, finally, I made Mole for the first time. I had been gathering the ingredients for the past week & kept trying to find 1) a block of time cuz it takes FOREVER to make, & 2) a relatively good reason to make it. Yesterday was as good as it would get--of course aided by the fact that SM joined me for dinner. I must say that my Mole was quite spectacular--those layers of flavors were right there, including the subtle chocolate under all. The 3 hours it took to construct the Mole sauce was worth it for sure & paired with the chicken tenderloins--heaven--even my kid was awed. Had a nice Zin with it that didn't overpower. I even had plantains that I doctored up for a themed dessert...a very nice night.

So despite being single at Xmas, I was in a good place. Happy Christmas to all--
Now I have to make it through New Year's...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Waiting Game

"You might be experiencing a great deal of emotional confusion today, dear Cancer. There is a debate brewing inside you, and you are having a hard time deciding whether to pursue the practical or the fanciful. Looking to others for help may only add to the pot of confusion that is stewing on the back burner, so take other people's advice with a grain of salt. If nothing seems clear to you, then wait out the storm, and proceed when you have a better handle on the weather."

Funny, how things go. "Good things come to those who wait." I am not good at waiting for things I want sometimes; especially when they are right in front of me & my heart is racing. I find it hugely frustrating & my impatience tends to get the best of me. And looking at the horoscope above I must say that I am in an emotional upheaval of a sort. (Funny, I think I posted my horoscope last year this time as well...just thought I'd mention it.) I am also feeling things I haven't felt in a while...

Xing Fu has a way of drawing me out. But we have to wait & I respect greatly why we do. It doesn't make it any easier--this "trying to be adults" behavior, but I know it is massively important that we do because this has the potential for something--I sense it intrinsically. It was terribly difficult not to touch him, to reach across the table. As our lunch ended, we couldn't help ourselves & our fingers entwined.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Best Laid Plans

Usually I adore a ton of snow--after all, when the schools are closed, I get a free day. Used to wake up on snowy mornings, waiting to hear the closings on the radio, hear my school or system was closed, & shove my skis in my car & hi-tail it to the Pennsylvania Mountains. But I so fervently did NOT want snow this weekend. I had plans, damn--was I pissed. At least I was able to enjoy Friday night.

Friday was a date with an online guy. Haven't been doing too much online stuff--took a break, had other diversions. I figured if a guy emailed & he looked remotely interesting, I'd give it a shot. And, actually, for the first time in a huge while, this guy wasn't a complete loss. Plus he took me to a phenomenal restaurant too--Woodberry Grill. Of course the oysters on the 1/2 and the great Black Ankle '06 Syrah were added bonuses on a truly fantastic dinner. The question, aside from the obvious one is did I like him? Yes, he was a lot of fun. Yes, good conversation. Were there huge sparks? Nope, but it was actually ok. Weirdly I didn't expect them but there were a few so it gives me hope. Or maybe I was more relaxed. Being online hasn't yielded too much so I wasn't expecting this one to be any different & I had mentioned that I'd thought he was a little too eager. And I also had come to the realization that aside from the Bull, the entire raft of online guys had been a big bust for the most part. Pondering it a bit I think it has to do with the fact that these guys pick me & I then I look at them & decide. If I meet someone out doing something, we choose each other--vastly more appealing--just a theory. Anyhoo, I may be willing to entertain round 2 with this guy...

But it was Saturday that I was truly bummed about. I had tickets to Alex Gray's Visionary Solstice Gathering at Sonar. I was seriously looking forward to this--after all, I missed it last year cuz of that guy who had 11 kids! But it appears that the fates were conspiring--sigh. At least it was postponed--there will be a gathering, but perhaps not solstice...I also was looking forward to the company-someone I've come to enjoy quite a bit--we always have so much to talk about--he's fun & comfortable to be around. I like, and that's a good thing. So another time... but the snow sure was beautiful, albeit quite deep. Being socked in is not my greatest wish--but I made my squash & root veg soup, and baked cookies for the kid, and listened to Radio Paradise while watching the blizzard outside. It was a nice, quiet day--rare but sometimes needed.

~and everyone checked in via some form of electronic device, also nice.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Eager Beavers

What is it with some men?

Recently I really haven't been dabbling too much in the online dating pool--I guess I was taking a break for a while & I think I've been rather consumed with my current crop of "friends" so there really didn't seem any point. But occasionally I like to pop back in & see what's out there--if anything.

At first, when I was just dipping my toes back into this whole dating process, the only activity I did was the online thingy & as I've said there were a lot of first & only first dates. Recently I've expanded my horizons to include other venues for finding men. As a result I can now make a basic comparison. All this being motivated by some online activity recently--I'll get to that in a bit. So I find that online seems to follow a certain pattern--it feels very contrived & somewhat unnatural. Here is the progression of sorts:

Guy contacts you via email. You check out his profile & decide if 1) he's at least used spell-check & capitalizes all his proper nouns, 2) he actually has something to say beyond, "I'm looking for my soul mate...I think communication is the key to a deep relationship...blah, blah, blah...", & 3) he's at least cute in his pictures. If he passes those parameters then a response may be warranted. Next comes the emails of introduction--stuff like, "Hey! Loved your smile!(I get that a lot), or "liked your top ten list" (yup, my profile contains a Letterman-like top 10). Finally, after a few emails, phone numbers are exchanged. Now here's where it gets dicey sometimes. More on that in a bit. So if there's a couple decent convos on the phone & you seem to have at least a few things to say to one another apart from, "what's your job, etc.?", then meeting for a brief first date is the norm. Usually my first dates have been anything but the norm--ah well. But that is the general gist of online dating.

I have to say that I feel like I've been far more successful when meeting people doing other activities & then cultivating a friendship. The men that I am currently involved with, in one way or another, I've seen far more than once. We may not go on dates but we do things together (not that, per se...all y'all need to get your minds out of the collective gutter!) My point being that I like the old fashioned way of meeting--it seems a bit more successful...who knows...anyway, that brings me back to the recent stuff.

The online dating seems to bring out the needy in some men. The newest guy that I'm actually going to meet soon sends me a ton of texts, & has called me everyday. Sigh--When we've talked on the phone--strike that--when he's talked on the phone, we have had nice discussions. But the constant barrage of texts, etc. is a bit much--we haven't even met yet! That's what I mean--what is it with some men? No, I don't like being ignored, & I do enjoy receiving texts from my men regularly, but I know them & we have fun stuff to say to each other, pictures to send, etc., etc. Sad thing is, I tend not to respond to this guy's texts & often don't pick up the phone when he calls. So not my usual behavior--any one of my friends knows that my phone is attached to my hip, & I usually respond quite promptly unless there really is something I can't interrupt or I'm at TKD, sailing, whatever. Why so blase? Not too sure--I think it does have something to do with being heavily pursued before even meeting--makes me want to run right in the opposite direction & already casts a pall over our initial meeting. Bleh! So we'll see--will he join the ranks of the 50 first dates or will he pass go & collect a 2nd date with me?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Replacement Wives

Every once in a while I get hit with an epiphany of sorts. This time is no different. It is usually sparked by something I've been mulling over--gee, isn't every "come to Jaysus" like that? Anyway, recently I have had a few discussions about what dating is like when you're in your 40's, divorced & a parent. In one word, BORING. Well, that sums it up, sorta. Dating itself isn't boring--it tends to be a lot of things--especially when the first dates keep piling up without second or third ones--more on that later. In fact, dating is on one hand traumatic and on the other--as I've said in earlier posts, an anthropological study, and still further it can be exhilarating. In other words, a roller-coaster ride--and with those I'm quite familiar.

Ok, so this is what I mean by BORING. I opened my blog last year with the following sentences: "
I have been on at least 50 first dates (most probably more) & truth be told it gets mighty frustrating out there. Most of these dates have come from my online antics & for the most part have proven that there are A LOT of men out there. Insert the but.... " Yup, that is definitely true. So of those 50 firsts I have had one significant relationship & all the rest near-misses, etc. There has been the guy who had 11 children & never drank & who got drunk on our first date, the guy who told me that dropping in on him without calling was ok-this on a first date, & the guy who took me to Amsterdam for a week--technically our 3rd date. And there have been sooooooo many more that just don't require mention. Most were very nice & getting ready for a first date is always an adventure in self-expression, but none just ever cut it. But I think I've figured it out now--hence the epiphany of sorts.

The one thing a lot of these men have in common is that they want replacement wives. The other thing I've noticed is that apparently all of their ex-wives were BORING--which I'm not. What does a vibrant, excited about life, intelligent woman do when it is very apparent that these divorced dads just want a new version of an old mold? No, I seek the thrill ride--the men who actually want an adventure too--it's not that we're necessarily finished raising our children & I am a TKD mom so I have to transport my kid to practices & tournaments just like a soccer mom, but it's that we're unwilling to settle once again for the status quo--for the coming home from work, feeding the kids, plopping on the bed/sofa/recliner & zoning out. Yeah, I can admit that my life certainly has a pattern & structure that could be considered routine
--and especially right now, while I recover from hernia surgery & can't participate in TKD, etc. it is even more routine, but the way I live it & who I share it with ain't. And it isn't as if we, those fathers (potential boyfriends) & I aren't committed to our children & raising them to be productive citizens isn't the priority--it is. It's just that we want more this time around--well I thought these potentials wanted more...hence the snooze button...and this is why there is never a 2nd date with them.

In fact, the man I was seeing for 9 months--the Bull--our activities were anything but bleh or routine. And that's how I like it. Subsequent relationships that have worked on whatever level they are--be it "fuck-buddy" or casual friends, or music buddies, etc. have one thing in common: that these men are uncommon & aren't seeking replacement wives. It's too bad that they don't want an official "we're dating" title. So why can't I find him? The man who wants a relationship that isn't the cookie-cutter wife version & the yawn? I know you're out there....

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Clutter Buster

It seems that I will have an opportunity to de-clutter my house over the winter break. Anyone who knows me realizes what a momentous task this will be on many levels. No, I'm not a crazy-hoarder type where I have little paths through the junk piled to the ceilings, but I do have a lot of shit I've accumulated over the years. For me, just getting in there & throwing stuff out becomes a task in futility. I just can't figure out where to start...I turn in ever-smaller circles until I just throw up my hands in utter frustration, & bow out gracefully--giving into the mess that encroaches. Both BFF(A) & CFW have helped me in the past with smaller anti-clutter tasks but I need the professionals for the over-hall. I suppose the natural response is to feel some anxiety but in all honesty I'm somewhat relieved that I'll finally be rid of the lingering reminders of my ex-husband's existence in my home--I'm quite sure there's a bunch of his crap hanging out somewhere in my house....

Perhaps, along with the removal of the physical stuff, I can sweep out the emotional cobwebs & clutter as well--a real time for cleansing...It will be the new year & a new decade after all...

Then I'll be free to pile up new neuroses in the new decade. I'll just try to keep my house less filled with crap...just the important stuff. Wish me luck!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Emotionally Unavailable

"I'm in your movie & you're in mine. Two different films, really. We don't really know each other, we're just making a guess at knowing each other. Right? I think the same's true about love."
--Bored to Death Season 1, Episode 2

I've been circling around this concept recently of why I seem to be choosing the men that I do. I've alluded to this in past blog posts but I haven't given it full measure. All of them are emotionally unavailable for some reason or another & I haven't been able to put my finger on why I can't find one & only one that works at least 80% for me & only me (reference to the Bull here). Now, it could be as simple as the old abandonment game--you know the one--Daddy & Mommy got divorced, Daddy leaves family (in my case it was Mommy took kids & left Daddy), kiddos don't see Daddy in over a year--ABANDONMENT issues! Soooo, men=abandonment eventually; so why choose any that may not since they all will...Not so sure about this logic.

But, a run-down of them is as follows & why they aren't available.

Salad--too young--fun but NO way there's a future there & frankly I ain't interested.

Seamus--doesn't want anything more than a "friendship". He was honest from the start so I get what I get...

Sweet Mistakes--still dealing with divorce & its ramifications--we are in such separate spheres of existence. If I wait....but do I really wanna anymore?

Music Buddy--Soooo married. So far it's been purely platonic & I don't foresee it changing, which is fine--so not interested in that Karmic ass-kick. I think he's attracted to me because I may represent some piece of his life that he wishes he had--a certain exoticism perhaps...I don't know.

Those are on the current list--there are shifts here & there but these seem to be the more stable ones--heh..there are a few more who flit in & out--primarily flirtations with no real substance.

If I analyze all of these guys put together though an interesting idea formulates--if there was one guy who had all of their characteristics he'd actually be quite perfect....hey! Hadn't considered that!

Still, looking at them I still can't wrap my head around why I'm still choosing such WRONG guys. I always say I like the Bad Boys & the drama--my friend CFW, says that I get bored with the "safe & secure", which may be true, but not all of the men in that list are Bad Boys so where does that leave me? Still with nada, zip, zero. And yes, I know, some folk may say, "What the fuck are you complaining about? Look at all the fun you're having! And you still don't have to deal with any relationship bullshit!" Maybe I want to deal with the relationship bullshit--in fact, I hazard to say that some of my more happier moments were when I was dealing with the Bull-shit. So there it what do I do about it & how do I resolve this?