Boyfriend, please!

Make Me Wanna Gag!

2012-02-10T17:32:00.000-05:00

In honor of the upcoming Valentine's Day & because I am an incurable romantic, I've been trolling the 'net for advice. Plus, Xing Fu & I have been accused of being that couple that makes you want to gag...yeah, you know the type. In fact, when I got home from work this afternoon there was a box waiting for me of 12 very large & beautiful chocolate-dipped strawberries. Yum! I am unapologetic for my behavior--I really hope that we are still that way in 30 years too...just sayin'. So here is advice that I found that highlights those nonverbals. This is from the following web site: http://www.caring.com/articles/5-surprising-actions-that-show-love?utm_medium=partner&utm_source=msn

I know I've written about this one in the past: touching is everything. "... touch telegraphs affection faster than words do. Thank your brain and your skin's abundant nerve endings for why touch feels so nice. The emotional brain "gets" touch communication more immediately than it understands words, which have to be processed first through the speech centers, says David Givens, director of the Center for Nonverbal Studies in Spokane, Washington, and author of Love Signals.

"If seeing is believing, touching is knowing," he says." But this touching does fade as the relationship continues--so kissing in the morning & other times, holding hands when watching TV, or in the car are all ways to reconnect quickly.

The article also talks about being in sync with one another--doing things together--taking a walk, or in our case while going geocaching, etc., we tend to fall into stride with each other. According to the article it is "mirroring" behavior--a common courtship ritual--it says further that we tend to unconsciously imitate one another when we feel close. "Couples do this unconsciously all the time: Watch a pair who are flirting. Social scientists call this "synchrony" -- simultaneous action – when members of a social pair match their behaviors. "It's a strong way of being alike," Givens says."

There are a few others in the article--all very good suggestions but I close with this one: Small, everyday gestures of connectedness.

"Those small gestures don't have to be store-bought tokens; they can take the form of a daily catch-up with a traveling lover, the everyday loving gestures you show a spouse -- making the bed first, bringing him coffee, scraping ice from her car in the morning."

Even though I received a very nice gift this afternoon & I truly appreciate it (although I will need a lot of help consuming them), it is the small, caring gestures that I think about the most. Like bagels in the morning.

Under Pressure

2012-02-08T18:01:00.001-05:00

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out
Tomorrow gets me higher
Pressure on people - people on streets

--Queen & David Bowie

ACK!! I m feeling a great deal of pressure right now--this house thing is taking on a life of it's own. The kitchen floor is torn up now, painting will be starting soon, & we have been looking at houses on the market. We want to get my house listed by the end of February--and of course, I am praying that it sells quickly. Problem is that the house up the street is also for sale....new kitchen & bathroom...but what my house has is a brand new roof as of last Thursday, new windows & doors, and some upgrades. If someone who is buying doesn't like the new kitchen in the house up the street(I went through the house with my realtor just to get a picture of what I was up against), then mine will be ideal because they can put in a kitchen that they want. Also, I have a corner lot & the lot up the street is tiny. I am putting in new floors. The ones in my competition are not wood but what appears to be cheap laminate. I have decent wood floors throughout so that is another selling point. But this is the pressure--to be competitive in this buyer's market, to get everything done with a general contractor who seems to move at the rate of molasses (but he's really a good guy--no weird stuff) but is thorough, to get the clutter, & all the accumulation of 11 years' worth of crap packed up, thrown out, or given away, & staging the house to sell. Of course I haven't mentioned the other big issue: finding a house that works for our families....as I said, "ACK!!"

Where Are They Now?

2012-02-01T17:25:00.000-05:00

Last night my friend MAC & I were chatting on Facebook & had a little giggle about past subjects on this blog. What came of that is the "Where Are They Now?"

Hmmmm....where to start?

Mr. Amsterdam--
Spent the next few weeks after our trip offering new internet dating women opportunities to go abroad--all expenses paid. Most thought he was nuts & didn't go out with him. One day a woman took him up on his offer & off they went to Italy. They're married & visit the Bridge of Sighs every year on their anniversary.

Salad--
Skiing the half-pipes in Vermont. Really!

SM--
Still Married! Really!

Preacher Man--
Swore off alcohol after our date...until the next woman crazy enough to go out with a man with 11 children. She introduced him to pot & now he's a grower in Humboldt County.

The Bear--
Found wearing the bear suit a female magnet so wore it to parties whenever he could. Fell in with the Furries & is "yiffing" with his unicorn.

Drummer Boy--
Did not do well in the dating scene--got back with his wife & is part of a polygamous marriage with his "brother-hubbies"--all 4 of them.

Seamus--
Bad boy to the core. Will never change! Really!

And, last but certainly not least:

The Bull--
Went back to the other woman & begged her forgiveness. She took him back...for a month. Until he told her that he wanted to be polyamorous & would she become a swinger? She kicked him out & he went on a bender in which eventually his genitalia shriveled up & he has resorted to using a penis pump. Because of over-dying his hair, it all fell out just before his 50th birthday. He still thinks he's a Lothario but most women think he's a lech. He lives alone with his online porn to keep him company. He may have caught a video of the bear & his unicorn one night....

Of course there are many more but those are the ones that I remember the most.

And as for Xing Fu, aka Music Buddy? Well, I think most of you know the story...The Frog Prince. Is it happily ever after? --time will tell. "Ribbit"

Way-Extended Mishpocheh

2012-01-31T16:51:00.001-05:00

I had a very interesting weekend--took/taking a couple days to process & I think it was overall a good one. Xing Fu's dad & stepmother came in from Texas to spend the weekend with Xing Fu, his kids, me, & my son. Talk about blending a family. It was the first time that they met me & my son--that was nerve-wracking just by itself. But it was a learning experience to be sure. It was also good to learn a little bit about the father of the man I am planning to spend the rest of my life with. I can say that he is spartan (an austere air about him) in his approach--I think Xing Fu is as well--this is not necessarily a criticism--but I see that he comes by it honestly. I think I am still processing that a bit--but the time spent with everyone was a good one & my son made me proud by being affable & genuinely involved.

On Sunday, we drove down to DC to visit Xing Fu's oldest at college--we needed two cars so I had one of his kids on the way down & both on the way back (my son was with his aunt (my former sister-in-law)). We had lunch, visited the campus & drove back. It was a very nice afternoon & I think everyone enjoyed the time together. Later, we would all have dinner together including my kid. But first he had to come back from his aunt's house--he had spent Sunday at her boyfriend's music shop--he just loves going there & playing all of the guitars. So I asked my former SIL if she'd drop him off at Xing Fu's place. She said sure & now we have a convoluted mess of a mishpocheh...My ex's sister, my son, & Xing Fu's kids, dad & stepmom. It is kinda cool--my former SIL knows Xing Fu & now his dad & his kids--how strange is that? My mom says that it's a good thing that everyone is willing & interested to be involved with one another--mebbe eventually I'll get to know Xing Fu's ex's family too--it would be nice if everyone figured it all out & developed a positive relationship--if my SIL, Xing Fu, & I can do this, (and my parents who are also quite fond of my SIL), then I think we all can. That is my hope for the future--that all of the sides of the families can spend time together in some capacity.

House Woes

2012-01-29T21:42:00.002-05:00

Busy, busy...this house thing is so frustrating. All I want to do is get this damn house listed & all I seem to be able to do is find more & more problems. I have a contractor who is working on the house right now & I've been unable to take a shower in my bathroom as he's been up to his elbows in tile, pipes & drywall. And it is still not done. After getting everything fixed, drywall replaced, tiles replaced, grout & caulk...there's no water pressure! So now he'll need to investigate this problem & of course this issue will lead to another. And the front hallway is torn up & soon the kitchen floor will be as well. And painting, and buffing & sanding the hardwood floors & steps, and do I get a new vanity for the bathroom? Oh, and did I mention the new roof? Xing Fu reminds me that it is an old house & I should expect these issues, but...but...

And I have a timeline--I want to have this house ready to list at the end of February & I am hoping to be moving by April. Maybe my thinking is pie-in-the-sky but I just want to get this done & get a move on before the summer whirlwind hits. Yes, part of this is moving on, moving out, & my impatience to get there & close a chapter in my life that my current house represents. But I know it takes time but I really wish things in this frickin' house would stop breaking!!

Communication Tips

2012-01-22T19:49:00.000-05:00

Recently I've been reading more relationship stuff--not because I think things are stale but because I always think that we can improve. (Well, mebbe one time Xing Fu mentioned that he thought something was kinda like a relationship rut--TV on, or something like that) Anyway, that kind of off-hand comment usually sends my antennae a-quiver & I'm off to the races looking for stuff to prove & fix that 1) there ain't no rut & 2) if there is, then let's do this....

From Yahoo Shine:
http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/12-tips-happier-relationship-041700705.html

Say "please" & "thank you"--The logic here is that you won't take each other for granted--we actually talk about that a lot. Kiss every morning & say "good morning" while you're at it. Grab each other's butts everyday (or every other). Cuddle--This one's huge, imho. Switch doing dishes--our rule is if one person cooks, the other cleans up--takes the conflict out of it. Spend at least one night a week with other people (family, friends, etc.) not holed up by yourselves. Practice honesty--even when it makes you or your SO uncomfortable--so incredibly important--if you cannot be open & talk honestly to one another, & avoid difficult topics that throw those speed bumps into the relationship, then I begin to question how long it can continue without dealing with them. And while you're at it--listen to each other. These pieces of advice seem kinda obvious but we often quickly lose sight of the obvious stuff--it was good to come across this little article to remind me.

The second one came as a spin off of the first article--from Your Tango.
http://www.yourtango.com/201066927/8-relationship-tricks-happy-couples-use
A lot are the same but I really liked this little tidbit in particular. When you can't decide where to eat, what movie to go to (except us--we're working on 2+ years of NO dinner & a movie dates), & instead of being wishy-washy & non-committal, do this:

"If you and your partner are indecisive about where to eat or what movie to watch, play the "5-3-1" game. One person names five choices, the other vetoes two of them, and then the first person eliminates the remaining two. Ta-da, no more "Where you do want to eat?" "I don't care, what do you want to do?"

Good stuff! I also liked not sweating the small stuff--in other words, if Xing Fu says that Queen's News of the World album was released in 1976 & I know it is 1977, I may want to choose to let that one slide, unless it was a challenge....

Another piece of advice that dovetails with that is not saying something like "I told you so," when the other person admits fault--instead, let it go--accept it & MOVE ON! (I sometimes need to remind myself of this--I guess because I am often suspicious that an admittance of fault is somehow disingenuous.) Along with that is to remind yourself to think before you speak--particularly when having a disagreement. Pause, gather your thoughts, & let some of the irrational thoughts go. Then say what you need to say. Difficult to do when there is a lot of emotion, but the outcome is often waaaay better.

And lastly, (this appeals to the writer in me):

"Play the "He's Not an A**-hole" game. Whenever you feel angry at him, imagine that you're a novelist (or a movie writer) assigned to write a story in which your man is the protagonist. That way, you'll have to think of the situation from his point-of-view and make him sympathetic to readers and viewers."

Good, solid relationships take hard work--particularly when communicating with one another. I was remarking to my friend the Zen Bicyclist that I work harder in this relationship than any I have previously--mebbe it's an awareness that I never had before or maybe it's because I think Xing Fu is really worth it. And I'm not complaining about the work--I love the outcome & it reminds me that I know that I have it right.

Couple Friends

2012-01-17T20:58:00.000-05:00

Earlier today I came across a little snippet of an article about the importance of having couple friends. So I did a little research because as it was, my BFF(J) was over last night & actually mentioned something like having couple friends. In fact, her insight was pretty much spot-on. She said that having good couple friends helped her with her own relationship. She mentioned BFF(A)'s marriage in particular. But she also said that watching Xing Fu & I navigate a second relationship also teaches her about interaction with her own spouse. She says that she observes other couple' interactions (positive & negative) & is able to see other ways of handling her own relationship. And, based on my research, that is exactly what the "experts" recommend. According to a USA Today article by Sharon Jayson, the experts Geoffrey Greif & Kathy Deal (both from U of MD Baltimore) say the following:
"Being close with another couple and watching how they manage their ups and downs is a role model for how you can manage your ups and downs," Greif says.

And, it can enhance your relationship with your partner, Deal says. "Some couples said, 'When I see my husband or wife with other people, it really makes me appreciate them in a different way. I see how charming or thoughtful they are or what a sparkling conversationalist they are.' It makes them feel very positive about their partner," she says."

I agree too--in fact, well before there was a relationship with Xing Fu, I talked to BFF(A) about her marriage & how she navigated the rough spots quite a lot. I think I've learned a lot from her as well as from BFF(J). It is a good thing that we do enjoy each others' company as much as we do & that Xing Fu fits right in because BFF(J), BFF(A), myself, & their spouses have spent a great deal of time together over the years & it would be a shame if everyone didn't get along. Case in point, we had a blast with BFF(J) & hubby last weekend when we all went bowling. It is nice to have those relationships & finding couple friends as I've heard is notoriously difficult. So raise a glass to your close couple friends because they will help you with your own relationship (and watch how they do cheers).

2 Years & Counting

2012-01-11T20:11:00.001-05:00

This is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

--Led Zeppelin "The Rain Song"

Funny how songs pop up that have instant meaning. I am listening to Radio Paradise--it is an online "radio station" which I love--they play such a cool variety of songs & usually & uncannily they seem to match my mood quite a bit. It is raining & I sit here waiting for Xing Fu so that we can have dinner & I've turned introspective. "The Rain Song" came on & it just fit so well. Xing Fu teases me because I get tired of hearing Led Zep all of the time on his XM satellite especially since they seem to only play "Stairway to Heaven" or "Kashmir" & ask him to turn it off. But I'd forgotten about about this song--how beautiful it is & how peaceful. It reminds me of how I am with Xing Fu--peaceful.

Narrowing down on 2 years together--I am such an incurable romantic--I go back & re-read posts & old emails--because sometimes I have to pinch myself that what has happened with us has happened & that two years later I'm even more sure of where we're headed together. Have we been lucky, was it timing, synchronicity, or all of the above? I remember writing about "Red Flags" at one point early on in our relationship & now, I still find that overall there just aren't any. Sure, there are the realities of any relationship that has developed over a longer period of time--we don't always see eye to eye, believe it or not & we have had a couple wicked arguments. But those are few & far between & for the most part we tend to resolve our issues through discussion--it may be heated but it is discussed & not hidden to fester into resentment. I also think about the idea of fighting fair--all of the advice columns talk about that--not calling names, belittling during an argument, etc. And the cool thing is that we don't do any of those things. I used to so I'm kinda hyper-aware of that & other bad behaviors from my past. But they seem not to be there. My friends & family remark on how much calmer I am now--I think I am too--Xing Fu makes me feel happy & warm; glowing, if you will--even 2 years out. Yeah, it's not that "head-over-heels" kind of love where I was giddy ALL of the time for about six months (probably more), but a quieter one, a content one. A happy frog one.

Many Tentacles

2012-01-04T20:54:00.000-05:00

Nope, not like this!

Blending is difficult--I think mixing is better--"Shaken, not stirred" kinda describes what it is like to smoosh families together. Here we are, two separate formerly intact families with our own histories, ups & downs, trials & tribulations, interactive scripts, etc., & now the shake-up: the two families are expected to blend into a new family unit. HAH! In fact, an article in the New York Times talks about how truly unrealistic it is:

"The old, Brady Bunch stepfamily model — the so-called “blended family” — has long been out of favor. Indeed, the term is almost universally loathed by family therapists for the unrealistic expectations it promotes of previously unrelated children blending harmoniously with one another and a new adult, and the disjunction between that rosy vision and the more prickly reality that is stepfamily life." --Penelope Green 11/17/10
The article goes on to say that with "blended families", & really any other non-traditional family, "there’s not one container for this new, many-tentacled thing called 'a family'.” I concur--and we are learning to make it work daily.

I spent the second half of my vacay with Xing Fu & his kids more or less living with them & it was certainly a good dress rehearsal for the real thing--except that my kid wasn't there--that will be the real test--when all of us are in the house together. I guess that won't really happen until we move but at least the days together were an opportunity to see what it all may be like. Again, coming off the week, Xing Fu remarked that he felt it was a great success & I suppose that it was, for us at least, as he stated. It was certainly far more difficult for his kids--sharing his attention. I think my son is used to sharing my attention by now as he has had to do so longer than Xing Fu's children--for them it is still an adjustment. But it is getting easier I think as the weekends go on & I continue to be a significant part of his weekends with his kids. And I think it is important to continue to do so, so that when the inevitable move occurs, no one will be in a state of shock & awe. We are no Brady Bunch that is for sure--even when, during one of the first times both of our families were together, one of Xing Fu's kids said that it was like the Brady Bunch & now they had a brother! Yeah, we'll see how having a brother goes over when they have to deal with stinky socks....

So Long 2011

2011-12-31T16:09:00.000-05:00

Where did 2011 go??? It seemed to go by in a flicker & again like 2010, it was a good one--more laughter less tears & all that stuff. And it reconfirms my opinion about Karma.

Yesterday, Xing Fu & I took his kids to the American Visionary Arts Museum--awesome museum if you haven't gone. http://www.avam.org/
One of the exhibits was about all things round--which includes karma. Which got me thinking--I used to write quite a bit about karma & ridding myself of my history of negative karma especially with men. I have always been very conscious of my past decisions & all the time I was dating the 50 firsts I always wondered when that karmic wheel would turn in my favor. And now, on the precipice of our second year together, I can say that good karma is following me & Xing Fu as we plan our very important next step together. It is at the end of another good year, that I remind myself to give thanks to the universe for all the positive karma that has continued to flow in my direction. It has been a very good year full of great friends, family, & historic moments out on the bay & I'm looking forward to the next chapter in 2012.

I hope everyone has a very happy & safe New Year! See you in 2012!

Missed Posts

2011-12-28T14:07:00.000-05:00

Been crazy-busy the past few days & just haven't had time to post. I suppose that is a good thing. In fact I've missed my annual December 23rd post with the horoscope, my annual lunch with Xing Fu, & what happened over Christmas. So instead I am posting today's horoscope:

Today's Cancer Horoscope from Cafe Astrology

December 28, 2011

Interactions with others can be intense today and early tomorrow, dear Cancer, but consider whether you are unwittingly stimulating these reactions in others by denying your own role in power plays or other complicated interplays. You may feel you are the innocent party, but are you instigating without realizing it? Consider all angles because today, the power of projection is strong. It can be all too easy to see in others what you are trying to avoid knowing about yourself. With self-honesty, this can be a strong day for taking a relationship to a new level, and for insight into finances.

Interesting tidbit about insight into finances--I happen to be working on financial aid for my kiddo's school...go figure. The other stuff--not so sure about--as I am sitting here filling out forms & reviewing tax docs there really isn't much interplay with others currently.

But Xing Fu & I did go to lunch on the 23rd & we did take my son to see Tin Tin in 3-D (and no, this doesn't count as dinner & a movie date because we took my son) on Xmas & then we had dinner at a Chinese restaurant--Ah, Jewish Christmas at its very best--And oy, was it crowded! Looking back on previous years' posts for these dates, my life certainly has changed and increasingly for the better. So onward we march to the end of 2011--the next few days will be interesting: my kid is visiting with his father until New Year's Eve day, & Xing Fu's kids will be with him (and me) for a few days--hopefully we will have time to again work on blending our families like this past summer when we were at the beach. To that end, we had a very nice dinner on the 23rd with all of the children & did a gift exchange--we both felt that it was a big success. Always a chance to test how all the children are doing with each other & with us as we meld. Check-in for the end of the year: pretty damn good!

Intelligent Dating

2011-12-21T18:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday a friend of mine posted a link to this article on facebook entitled:
If A Man Wants You by Salma Rumman.

Such truisms were never said better. In fact the first statement really says it all: "If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away".

Via http://www.divinecaroline.com/22065/35337-wants#ixzz1hD2NiCcY

How true. I've read that all over the dating advice sites, books like He's Just Not That Into You, & Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, & just about any guy friend I quizzed. The advice also applies beyond the man having finally decided that he wants you--it's also how he treats you & how you allow him to treat you.

As I looked at these statements & reviewed my dating life before Xing Fu & cringed a bit because I so recognized my behavior. I allowed so many ill-mannered behaviors, but I think as one of my friends said, "Those guys were part of your transition team." Yes, they were--because now I know & expect to be treated with respect & not make the excuses, & concessions for poor behavior. I really hope that my friend who originally posted this article to facebook follows the advice & prepares herself for the great guy I know is out there for her & only her. And, I absolutely agree with the article that dating is fun--it most certainly can be, if you relax & let it. I think I'll label this advice "Intelligent Dating".

I also loved this article for recognizing & reminding me about the great guy I have now--he sometimes infuriates me, confounds & confuses me, but he does seem to encompass most of what I am looking for--almost two years out, in my partner. And as the article states, "Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything you need." So not an issue--woohoo!

But the best statement for the already committed (heh, committed=crazy?) is, "You should not be doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street." Compromise, Communication, & Cuddling--the 3 C's. YUP.

Gold Stars

2011-12-12T20:34:00.000-05:00

Recently I came across an article about kids & their sense of entitlement--I thought it rather a timely concept as the holidays approach & a cacophony of little petulant voices start whining for this toy or that game or that iphone. I thought I'd work it up into a blog post but just hadn't found the right moment until I heard this story at lunch today & it just knocked my socks off. I reference this article where I first gained my inspiration for this post:
http://momshomeroom.msn.com/articles/7/31541447

One of my co-workers read me an email sent to her husband who is an assistant coach on a travel league. Recently they had their awards dinner & recognition for a good season. Sounds pretty good, right? Kids playing team sports should be recognized for demonstrating good sportsmanship, courage, being a team leader, & most improved player, etc. This isn't handing out gold stars, just basic positive reinforcement--nothing over-the-top. This email basically said that the mom couldn't understand why Johnny, who has been coached by the husband for two years was passed over yet again for an award. She went on to say how much her son deserved the specific award (apparently the most vaunted one) & that this coach was very short-sighted for not seeing what a brilliant player Johnny was & how pissed off she was that he wasn't recognized, even for something small like, "great job this season," publicly. How dare Coach___ for not seeing this. She went on to say that Johnny will never be coached again by this man. OMG!! This woman probably didn't read this out loud or to her husband before she pressed the send button & maybe she didn't want to, but if this is her typical behavior where Johnny is concerned, I fear for his future. No wonder Gen Yers are so difficult to work with--they expect to be praised for everything they do, including farting well. And now they are passing this trait onto their children. I'm sure that this mom doesn't realize what she is doing to her boy--by expecting to receive praise at every turn in his life, Johnny will not understand the harsh reality of the future that "Life Really Isn't Fair" sometimes. Ah, the wonders of Helicopter Parents. Hovering so close so as to make sure that Johnny never gets hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, or ever feel sad. ever.

But I have to say that with the onset of Helicopter parenting there is a positive. Believe it or not. When I was a child parents really never considered the kids' feelings about big lifetime changes like divorce. Parents just did what they wanted--move in with a new guy? Ok. Never mind that he was an alcoholic, or hated kids, if mom wanted to live with him, so be it. Thankfully, that seems to have come to an end (at least in my circles)--I know that when I was thinking about divorce I very carefully considered my kid's feelings. And when I started dating again? You best believe that he didn't meet the guy until it was fairly serious. And if my son didn't like Xing Fu? Probably a deal-breaker (Glad I don't need to even think about that--they have a great relationship). I think a lot of this parent concern has come from the over-protective trend--sorta the plus side of it--twisted, but it is a positive outcome.

Yup, this parent behavior just makes me cringe--especially around the holidays--so my statement to this woman? Lady, you are doing your kid a huge disservice. Teach him that when you are successful at your job as an adult, you usually get recognized by the boss by giving you more work. There are no gold stars for farting in the real world.

Brrr...Sailing In December

2011-12-11T20:02:00.001-05:00

Had an awesome opportunity to sail in the Annapolis Yacht Club's Frostbite series today on a J/80. I had sailed on J/80s before when I did the J-World Spinnaker Racing Course earlier in the summer & I'd forgotten how much fun these little boats are--very much like a dinghy on steroids.

I have been very loathe to do frostbite because Xing Fu always talks about how the last time he went out in 1988!, he froze & they had to crack the ice off of the lifelines. So not what I want to do, but when the opportunity arose did I say no? Of COURSE not! Earlier in the week Xing Fu had sent me an email saying that a friend of his needed crew on his J/80 for this Sunday & did I want to go? So for about a half an hour, while I looked at various weather predictions, decided if I had enough cold weather gear, & generally fretted, I stalled before responding, "Absolutely! Sounds like fun!" And then for the rest of the week worried that I'd freeze my ass off & be stuck out in a cold, wet, rainy day--especially as the temps plummeted & snow was predicted for mid-week. As I pulled out my sailing gear which had been lovingly packed away for what I thought was at least until April, I decided that even if it was pretty hella-cold out there, I was just excited to be back on the water.

But I couldn't have been more wrong. What an absolutely gorgeous sailing day--mebbe a bit more wind would've been nice, but I ain't complaining too loudly 'cuz it was just great fun, even when we had to spin twice for a collision around the mark (really, not our fault), & it was very exciting! There were at least 50 boats out there--a few different fleets, & the J/80 fleet is pretty competitive.

So, how'd we do? The first race was our collision race so obviously not as well since we had to take our 720. And despite the fact that half the J/80 fleet was late trying to get to the start on time--no motor, we did pretty well--4th. Last year my last sailing day of the year was in November & this year it may be December--mebbe I can fill in the rest of the months--my pops would be proud!

The Slings and Arrows

2011-12-07T15:42:00.001-05:00

Wow. I feel beaten up. The other day I was reading a little blurb somewhere on the 'net about divorce. I think it was a statement like, "Remember to take care of your spouse & help them to remember to take care of you. I lost sight of that early on in my marriage." That statement is full of regret & loss & it makes me think as I often look at some aspect of divorce (prolly because I am divorced), & reflect back on my own & wonder, still, to this day, whether I should have worked harder to make the marriage last. (I invariably come to the conclusion that no, I most definitely did the right thing by divorcing my ex.) But as I reviewed this idea I was really struck--Does having children cause divorce or increase the likelihood of beginning the process of divorce? And, as I've looked around the WWW, it seems that there is a definite correlation.

You know, there are so many studies out there about the effects of divorce on the kiddos but it's kinda a new thought about the kids' effect on the marriage... Many researchers attribute the trend of unhappy marriages after children to the type of society we've become--the need instant gratification & if we can't make it work we get out without trying to put the real effort into the relationship. Committed relationships take WORK!! Or, women don't need to be married anymore--roles have changed & women can very easily take care of themselves without benefit of a man, or marriage expectations have changed as people are waiting to find their one true love. (I certainly can relate to that). In fact, people are entering into marriage with the expectation that this man or woman will be their everything: lover, confidante, BFF, exercise partner, etc., etc. So, with all that energy being put into the relationship with that one soul mate & all of a sudden a new critter is bawling its eyes out wanting its diaper changed, it's no wonder that that kind of relationship gets a little fragmented especially if one or both parents really wasn't ready to be a parent in the first place. See this great article by Vicki Glembocki in Philly Mag:

http://www.phillymag.com/arts_events/articles/do_kids_cause_divorce/

And, according to the research, marital satisfaction drops a whopping 70% after the kids are born! YIKES! But I believe it & we change after the kids are born (at least some of us do...). I had to grow up & actually become responsible--go figure! Dr. Mark Goulston asked his couples therapy clients what they were like before marriage & here was the response: "most will say that it was happier. They were more carefree, playful, happy and most importantly and poignantly they remember putting a smile on each others' face. Very quickly they will catch themselves and say something like: 'Now don't get me wrong, we love our children, but we did get along better before we had kids.'" Reference: http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/causes-of-divorce/general/getting-through-to-anybody-can-children-cause-divorce.aspx?artid=1353

Now don't go thinking that children cause divorce--I think what studies have shown is that if the marriage is a little rocky to start, adding kids may send it over the edge--or if the couple doesn't take stock of the situation early enough & seek to fix it then perhaps that relationship may not last.

So what do I take from this? Because, am I a hypocrite spouting this nonsense after the fact, as both Xing Fu & I have played the divorce dance? No, I am learning from my mistakes. Being in a LTR & planning for the long haul I will re-state what brought me to write this post in the first place: Take care of your SO, and he/she will take care of you. Don't lose sight of this connection when the slings & arrows of life muddy the waters so much that you forget why you were together in the first place. Love each other.

Relationship Trends 2011

2011-12-06T15:54:00.001-05:00

So this time last year I wrote about trending break up days--apparently December 3rd-6th are big ones for those non-committers out there. You know who you are--too cheap to buy a present which reads "LTR" all over it, too shallow too handle the parties where you have to introduce this person as your "girlfriend" or "boyfriend". Yup, been there, done that. So hurry up--if it's gonna happen, now's the week to do it!

I read a little meme on on MSN-glo about the relationship trends of 2011 by Natasha Burton. See here:
http://glo.msn.com/relationships/relationship-trends-from-2011-7643.gallery

In particular I was reading that the trend for marriages is way down for the first time in America. People are either waiting longer to wed or just deciding that marriage just isn't in the cards for them. According to the glo article: "...the formality of marriage appears to be taking a backseat to simply creating a happy, stable relationship." Interesting for me to read as a lot of people ask me whether or not Xing Fu & I will tie that knot. Well, I think both of us would say, "Been there, done that" & that we follow the trend of "creating that happy, stable relationship."

Further findings have been the effects of fatherhood. In fact scientists have found this year how much becoming a father does change the man. Funny, when my ex & I had my kid, I really didn't see too much change--he was just as irresponsible as he was before kid. One of the qualities that draws me to Xing Fu is his responsibility to his children & just how great a father he is.

The other interesting "trends" are lower divorce rates but increased use of cheating sites like AshleyMadison--so because of the economic downturn more folk are staying together but then more folk are looking for satisfaction outside of their marriages to compensate for their lack of marital bliss. I get it, in fact one of my old "beaus" has in fact decided that he can't afford to divorce & he & his wife are co-habitating. And perhaps all of these unhappily marrieds are sexting their hook-ups--yes, another trend that has seen an uptick.

As 2011 moves into the history books remember the last trend: that if you missed getting married on 11-11-11, you can become the new trend for 12-12-12.

Relationship Checklist

2011-12-01T21:33:00.001-05:00

One of the blogs that I follow is written by Alisa Bowman entitled: Project Happily Ever After. Here's the link to the post that I'm referencing: http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2011/12/what-happily-married-people-know/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ProjectHappilyEverAfter+%28Project%3A+Happily+Ever+After%29

She's written a book with the same title that I've read. Today's post I've found quite applicable to my current thread here. Even a bit of the 3 Cs--compromise too. It is about happily married folk but in all honestly as I've said previously--it is just as important for LTRs too. I really like the list that she provides & much of it rings quite true. One part of the list talks about accepting defeat. Being able to say, "Ok, you win this one." Not necessarily out loud but being able to back down is important--a compromise of sorts if you will. Along with that is what Bowman says about being able to say "I'm sorry." She says it is easier & more gratifying to say sorry than to defend your actions. I've even said to Xing Fu that if he simple says I'm sorry, chances are that I'll let a lot of what was bothering me go--

Realizing of course that there will be arguments--how you deal with them is key--in fact I think that arguing shows a healthy relationship--not ever arguing indicates that one or both people aren't vested anymore--that the passion is gone. If you spend your life in a house where you never talk to one another--watch out! If you get to a point where it is better to just ignore your problems & hope that they fade, then that's where resentments build up--I'm the opposite--I tend to deal with issues right away--I hate having things drag--I want it done & over with so I can move on. I was the exact opposite when I was married so perhaps I've learned from my mistakes. Hopefully, we both have.

The Three Cs

2011-11-30T16:14:00.001-05:00

"The three Cs: compromise, communication, and cuddling! If something seems to be wrong, it's usually because one of these things is missing." -Kim (Cosmopolitan Online)

Wow! I so agree with that statement as simple as it is. A couple fractious days in relationshipland. And although we don't always get along as well as we'd like, I always think that at the end of the misunderstanding, miscommunication, or mis-something we are able to learn a little more about one another. Yup, we had a bit of a disagreement & as always it had to do with time and waiting--reference to the post just before this one. And I think in some ways all three of the above Cs were missing which is why we argued in the first place. For me, sometimes the only thing that my BF needs to do when we've been at it is to simply say that he's sorry & give me a hug & believe it or not, all of my vitriol, etc., will quite possibly just, dissolve....even if he's sorry for just a small part of the issue--like sorry for just the act of getting into the argument in the first place, that small gesture will move the situation miles forward. When that happens, I don't need to win, I just know that I've been heard & that is most important.

Another piece of this relationship stuff is growing familiarity--everyone knows the hackneyed phrase, "You always hurt the ones you love." Why? Perhaps one part of the answer comes from something I saw on TV this afternoon (DVR'd). I've begun watching The New Girl & I really like it. But I found these statements ring true:

Nick: 

“You know what sucks aboutgetting old?

Your friends have known you forway too long. They’ve got too much on ya’.

I want friends who still lie tome because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.”

Familiarity brings verity...when a relationship is new, one is on one's best behavior--now things are different. But unlike Nick, I'd rather hear the truth & work through it because who wants to cruise through life with only superficial friends? I hope that when we have disagreements that the resolution brings about a deeper understanding--as well as the three Cs. :)

I haven't really touched on the compromise thing yet...but I will--that's a big one.

Waiting

2011-11-28T19:33:00.001-05:00

I am currently reading The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides (really liking it thus far, btw) & have been fascinated by his use of Roland Barthes' A Lover's Discourse: Fragments in the novel. I am struck by Barthes' analysis of love--his descriptions of the feelings one may have as he/she falls in, out, develops unrequited love, desire, & passion. Many feelings he writes about are echoed by all of us--I challenge anyone not to agree. Interestingly, it is one part that Eugenides excerpts that struck me quite viscerally. It was about waiting. I HATE to wait for anything. I am extremely impatient (strangely though, when I was teaching very emotionally disabled kids, I was the utmost in patient--people would comment on that in fact). So, when I have to wait for Xing Fu, which I often end up doing, I get anxious & agitated. Some of the exact descriptions that Barthes has indicated. Following is a piece from that "fragment" on waiting:

Waiting

attente/ waiting

Tumult of anxiety provoked by waiting

for the beloved being,

subject to trivial delays (rendevous, let-

ters, telephone calls, returns).

...Waiting is enchantment: I have re-

ceived orders not to move.

I am stuck in a holding pattern--I cannot go forward & therefore it feels like my spirit is squelched in some way--maybe it means giving up control & all the anxiety that goes with that. It is exquisitely painful for me. And why am I always the one who waits? What's up with that? Is it that way for most of us--that there's always one who waits for the other? Which brings me to another quote from Barthes:

The necessity for this book is to be found

in the following consideration: that the

lover's discourse is today of an extreme solitude.

Yes, Barthes is correct, these feelings that one has usually occur in solitude; in our minds & nowhere else. The absence of a lover, love, unrequited love, etc.--historically, writings about love are all about that. The waiting (for something to happen or to see the person, e.g.). God, I hate to wait.

Black Friday

2011-11-25T07:43:00.001-05:00

After another very nice Thanksgiving meal with my family, including my little sister, in from Chi-town, I wake this Friday morning being blasted about the head & neck about Black Friday. Let me just state for the record that I DO NOT DO Black Friday. I am not up at 2 o'clock in the morning like my co-worker, camping out at Walmart with her hubby hoping to get the latest cheap-o laptop/net book, nor am I hanging around Old Navy hoping to grab that elusive pair of special jeans that are only available between this 2-minute long, deep-discount, special, door-buster, Black Friday monogrammed time. Let me state unequivocally that I really HATE Black Friday--it just makes me cringe. All that Black Friday serves to do is remind me that after we have all given thanks for the wonderful things that we have in front of us: family, friends, etc., off we go re-affirming that we are a superficial, consumerist society grabbing as many new, shiny, electronic, Kaye jewelery encrusted gadgets that we can before the highly commercialized, now-meaningless all-consuming BIG-ASSED holiday is upon us in a month's time (especially since all of these lovely stores began decorating for X-mas even before Halloween 2011 was a memory). OK, yeah, I'm sounding a little shrewish but you know, when did we turn what was supposed to be an extra day of family football & turkey leftover time into the biggest crazed-induced consumerist holiday? I guess we need to extend the Black Friday holiday to "Small Business Saturday" & "Cyber Monday" too. You can accuse me of being a "Bah! Humbug!" scrooge if you'd like & I'll agree with you. But I really wish that people would pause in the action to think that this behavior just re-affirms what a lot of OWS is all about--paying more money to the corporate bigwigs. I'm just saying.

This post is also inspired by my sister's blog post about her friend "Ivy" who is being made to work the overnight shift at one of the bigwig corporate stores on Black Friday...she points out that we should thank these folks who are working these shifts--think of them & the sacrifice that they make--I agree. Pause for a moment in your feeding frenzy to thank them, smile & be nice even if that last jewel-encrusted gadget you just reached for was snatched out of your hand by the grandma across the sale table.

What am I doing this Black Friday you ask? Well, I am hanging with my lil' sis--we rarely have time together JUST us so we plan to have lunch together & do what we'd do together regardless of the date--go shopping at small boutiques. I guess in one sense the fact that it is Black Friday will garner better deals then normally offered at these stores but that is coincidence. Black Friday is secondary to being with my sister & doing what we'd do anyway. I'm just hugely thankful to have that one-to-one time together--isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about?

Prove It!

2011-11-16T18:27:00.001-05:00

by Shel Silverstein

It's scary that Thanksgiving is so near--seems like yesterday I was hiking out during a windward leg of the Screwpile Regatta. Sigh....I think this weekend may be the last sail of the season. As we talk about all of the things that we are grateful for & give our thanks for family, friends, etc., during the season, I think this little piece of advice fits right in. I keep coming across things in my travels that strike me as important & good ideas to try. Xing Fu is a good sport because I keep trotting out activities & he very willingly jumps right in. I haven't run this one by him yet, but I think he'll give it a go.

Anyway, I was reading Good Housekeeping (I know, I know, me?? Good Housekeeping???), and inside there is a monthly advice column called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. It's all about finding your happiness--through various thoughts, actions, with yourself, family, etc. I usually find a few good tidbits in it--in fact, may have written something from it before, but I was struck by this one. Her happiness thought for December is:

Hug more, kiss more, touch more. These actions take no extra time, energy, or money, but they make a big difference.

http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/wellness/hugs-and-kisses
She goes on to include this advice for greeting family warmly when they come home or making sure to bid farewell also. This builds connectedness, creates feelings of worth & meaning, & shows that family members are cherished. I like this & I want to try it. But also I like what she says about her "spiritual master" St. Therese of Lisieux. St. Therese said, "It isn't enough to love; we must prove it." We often forget to show the people we love that we love them. Saying "I love you" is nice to be sure, but hugging, touching, going out of our way to welcome someone home is a simple way to prove love. According to Gretchen Rubin these are "proofs of love." I couldn't agree more. In fact, I often write about the little things--here's another one that I hope becomes a big habit.

Warts & All

2011-11-14T16:46:00.001-05:00

I was reading a Cracked.com (go figure) article about the "4 Kinds of People (And What You Can Learn From Them) by Gladstone & was struck by a saying that he says has been out there for a while. I must be naive 'cuz I've never heard this before:

There are four kinds of people in this world:

people who like you for the wrong reasons;

people who like you for the right reasons;

people who dislike you for the wrong reasons; and

people who dislike you for the right reasons.

And it's only the last group you need to worry about.

Ok, I'll buy that & it is the last group that I do worry about to be sure, because it's all about doing better in life & working on your faults. But I'm also reading a book by Alisa Bowman entitled Project: Happily Ever After which examines her road to fixing her marriage & how we all can do better with our SOs, hubbies, BFs, etc., & came across a point about allowing those we love to really know us. She found the following statement from The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly:

"We are afraid that if people really

knew us they wouldn't love us...

And although we are afraid to reveal

ourselves because of the possibility of

rejection, it is only by revealing our-

selves that we will ever open the possi-

bility of truly being loved."

That statement is huge--the trust involved in allowing that level of intimacy can be exceedingly difficult to achieve--especially if you've been burned before--as we all have, but in particular having gone through a separation & a divorce. The sense of thinking that you've allowed someone to know you & perhaps rejecting them or their rejection of you & then allowing someone in that close again is scary. It takes a lot to allow the one person you hold closest (besides your children) to see what you often hide from yourself & allow them access. It's saying "Here are the reasons that some folk don't like me, but because I trust you & hope that you'll help me to become a better person, I'm going to allow you access to my ugly." And hope that they still love you & want to be with you. It's hard to do & doing it makes one vulnerable--but I think one of the ultimate gestures of love is opening yourself up to do just that. Because one of the reasons I chose you to become so close to me is that I believe that you will help me to overcome the bad qualities & become a better person.

11.11.11

2011-11-11T15:52:00.001-05:00

But I was alive
And kicking through this cruel world
Holding a notion of you at 11:11
Tell me what else can I do
What else can I do?
--Rufus Wainwright "11:11"

Yeah, me & everybody else. But it's a cool thought--the palindrome of it, the binary, the prime number, the auspicious meanings...not even 12.12.12 is as cool. And, if you wanted to have a kid on 11.11.11, you would have had to conceive on 2.14.11--Valentine's Day! I've looked through a few websites about the significance of 11.11.11 & I came across this one by Nina Amir. I like it: http://purespiritcreations.com/wordpress/2011/11/11/the-meaning-of-11-11-11/

"Geller says 11:11 is a positive sign whenever we see it–on a clock radio, a hotel door, the odometer of your car, the columns in front of your house. See today’s date as just that–a positive sign that it’s time to wake up. Have you been sleeping, sleep walking through life? Just becoming more awake will change your perspective, your consciousness. That’s also worth considering at least for 11 seconds at exactly 11:11 a.m. on 11-11-11 and again at 11:11 p.m. on 11-11-11. Don’t you think?

Not surprisingly, from a Kabbalistic standpoint, the numerology of today’s date also points to the beginning of the new age: the arrival of the World to Come or Heaven on Earth. If you add up all those ones (1+1+1+1+1+1), you come up with the number 6. Six equates to Tiferet on the tree of life. Tiferet is the domain of beauty, harmony, artistry, gracefulness, synergy, peace, blessing, and balance. It can be best described as many voices blending together in beautiful harmony; it’s the opposite of discord. Sounds a bit like peace on earth, no? A bit like heaven?"

I like this in particular as it references Judaism a bit. But 11:11 has personal meaning as well. Xing Fu once told me that as a teen he & a group of his friends would be out driving around near his home in Texas & one kid had an 11:30 curfew. At 11:11 they'd have to stop & begin driving him home. They'd always say, "It's 11:11. Time to take N___ home." So now, we often pause at 11:11 and say that. Goofy, yeah, to be sure. But it is 11:11 & synchronicity seems to be in the air for all of our collective consciousnesses. Everyone, if you haven't done so already, make a wish at 11:11 PM on 11.11.11. You will be glad that you did. Oh, & while you're at it--go hug a Veteran--it's their day too--

Catch The Wind

2011-11-09T16:19:00.002-05:00

Heard this last night on Parenthood & was entranced--I know I've heard it many, many times before but for some reason it spoke to me last night in particular. Great show by the way if you haven't watched it--I highly recommend & the music is usually top notch.

In the chilly hours and minutes
Of uncertainty
I want to be
In the warm hold of your loving mind

To feel you all around me
And to take your hand
Along the sand
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind

When sundown pales the sky
I want to hide a while
Behind your smile
And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find

For me to love you now
Would be the sweetest thing
It would make me sing
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind

When rain has hung the leaves with tears
I want you near
To kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind

Standing in your heart
Is where I want to be
And long to be
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind

Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind

by Donovan

Rock Island

2011-11-08T09:25:00.001-05:00

"Gone, gone
Gone with the hogshead cask and demijohn, gone with the sugar barrel, pickle barrel, milk pan, gone with the tub and
the pail and the fierce"
--"Rock Island" from The Music Man

Okay, I wish this house thang would move more quickly--I must admit though, with Merryfish's dedication, the main floor of this house is actually coming together. It looks like a hotel--so many of the things that I valued at one point I've let go or packed away. To quote The Music Man, "Gone, gone." Mixed blessing to be sure--Xing Fu & others have commented that it must be nice to have room (especially in the kitchen) to do things--that one can breathe easier with all the stuff gone--I do admit in some ways it is nice but in others, well, I liked my stuff...But Merryfish pointed out that many of those things were from a different life (why do I feel like I'm a blushing bride moving out of her folks' home?) & I'm getting ready to embark on a new one--time to let the baggage go. So gone are the Spongebob, head, & fake flower frond. Gone with the candles, & vases, & potpourri....

Yup, got The Music Man on the brain--my son is in this musical--so funny 'cuz I was in it too about 26 years ago. It was very thrilling to see my kid on stage--Xing Fu, one of his kids, & I went to see the production--I thought it to be quite well done for a high school staging--the 2 leads had good voices. And, even the barbershop quartet kept in tune. The music is difficult in that musical--my hat goes off to the cast & crew. My kid has 3 more performances & then he's decided to take on Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. Auditions are 3 days after the close of The Music Man. I figure, since his grades are good, if he wants to try his hand at it, so be it--a great experience for him if he makes it.

Ok, time to close--got to go into work to sell baked goods for 2 hours during the city elections...nice to have a day off.

Oops! Missed Blogoversary

2011-11-01T20:21:00.001-04:00

Chicago Skyline

The "Bean" or Cloud Gate

Don't know where to start--it was a crazy, fun weekend in Chicago with my sis & her family--Yup, missed my blogoversary--was gonna write from my sister's house but I just never found the time--good. So I'll just celebrate after the fact & show why I just couldn't get behind the 'puter until now.
From walking around the Loop to Millenium Park & geocaching at the Cloud Gate to a somewhat chilly boat tour of the Chicago River to Lake Michigan--it was jam-packed! Even more was a great time spent with my sister, her husband, & my niece.

Saturday it was time to explore the city--Xing Fu & I booked a boat tour & had a couple hours to kill before it so we took a walk over to Millenium Park & spent a good bit of time playing with the bean or Cloud Gate. We even geocached there--a virtual geocache where we had to take our pictures reflected in the bean & post on the web site--

Next, off to our boat tour--a bit nippy 'cuz it is the tail-end of October--looked at the cool architecture of the city, learned about how an engineering feat created the Chicago River to flow backwards & keep Lake Michigan clean.

And then, walking over to meet my sis & BIL for dinner at a very yummy Frontera Grill. The Mole--OMG, the mole....I can only hope that the next time I decide to make mole that I can even get that close...and then...we drive over to The Aviary. I so wish that there was something like it here, but no such luck--Molecular Gastronomy for your drinks! First we were invited downstairs to the very selective Office--you get your own key to open the door--the vibe inside was distinctively speakeasy--dark corners & heavy furniture. We watched the bartender (you really can't call him that--more like a drink artist--REALLY!) mix our drinks--mine had infusions of herbs & spices with a tonka bean as a swizzle stick. The ice was a chipped ice ball--beautifully reflecting the drink around it--so cool. Upstairs in The Aviary, I had a drink called the Oolong--infusions again but it happens as pear brandy is heated & forced up a tube to swirl around with all kinds of herbs & fruit--served in a mini tea cup--steaming...so cool.

Sunday was no less busy--slept in & then went to the Bongo Room for brunch--great stuff there too--we kicked around my sister's old neighborhood Buck Town & also Wicker Park--spent some time hanging with my niece--I think she was far more entertained by Xing Fu...I'm just not used to girls--I'm soooo a boy mom....anyhoo, I digress. Finally, my BIL cooked an amazing dinner--very nice way to end the visit.

Up at 3:30 AM on Monday morning just sucked--we almost were able to get a $400 voucher for giving up our seats for a later flight at 8:45 but the folks never checked in for the flight so we winged away as planned--6:15 AM. It would have been so worth it too--mebbe not so much fun hanging at O'Hare, but we'd have found stuff to do & made money by just waiting around. AH, well...better luck next time. And then I went to work---I haven't stopped until now which is why this is the first I've been able to write. More to come--

Chicago Bound

2011-10-27T23:17:00.001-04:00

Off to Chicago to visit my sis & her family. Fun times, especially because Xing Fu is coming too--our first plane trip together! Uh huh, we're getting away from it all--right to 40 degree weather! WooHoo! This was supposed to be a trip taken earlier in the season so we could go sailing with my sis & her husband but as usual, timing is everything...even so, looking forward to a weekend with my sis in her stomping grounds & time away with my guy. I have mentioned in the past how important I think getting away as a couple is important--often we've gone to the beach together for a weekend--this is a bit of a departure for us--heh--I think a good one. I often think that we just don't have a lot of "us" time & I feel it is vitally important to build that in on occasion. I sent an email to Xing Fu after we'd had a little back & forth about scheduling. It is truly what I feel:

"we already have such limited time during the week & even some weekends that it is often a press to simply have "us" time. One reason that this weekend will be nice for that--I am a very firm believer that a successful relationship must have times where the focus is solely on the relationship & very little else if at all possible."

And while I'm away it will be my 3rd year "blogoversary"--hopefully I will get a chance to send a message out into the blogosphere from Chi-town.

Ants & Birds

2011-10-26T16:22:00.001-04:00

It's a birdhouse around here! Heat has been out & I've been reluctant to call anyone--I'm in denial, damn it! I am SO NOT interested in the change in season to that nasty one we call...shhhhh....autumn....Oh god, I said it....GACK!! It means the definite end is in sight...sniff....sailing season will be over...sniff, sniff.

But I caved from BF & child pressure & called the HVAC guys to come have a look-see at my furnace which wasn't working. And yes, once again, Momma Nature is lovin' my house--first it was ants in the A/C & now it's birds in the furnace--I didn't stick around to see two dessicated birds being pulled out of the pipe---eeewwww...

But I still gotta believe it's the house planning revenge on me for even contemplating putting it up for sale...

Ah, fun times but at least I'm warm.

Risk Worth Taking

2011-10-23T12:27:00.002-04:00

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you
Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down, I wanna come too
I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me

--"Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop" Landon Pigg

Yesterday I spent a good portion of the day starting the real work of getting ready for the move. My good friend Merryfish helped me with the very arduous task of sorting years of stuff--Good Will, Keep, or Toss. I was very stressed by the ordeal but we managed to clean out the dining room completely save for the pile of things in the corner that I will box & put in the crawl space. We also put a sizable dent in the kitchen too. During the entire time though I felt so overwhelmed by the enormity of what I must do in the next month or two. But she was awesome--kept me focused, coaxed me through my emotional upheaval with a level-headed calm that was spectacular to see. You go girl! I must say that it sure was nice cooking pumpkin pancakes this morning & actually have the space in my kitchen to do it...

But this whole process is scary--when we do buy this house together, what happens if it doesn't work out? I am out of a house--my house--the one I bought all by myself--it ain't much but it's all I've got....one of Xing Fu's children pointed out a similar concern--what if they have go through a separation again? What about my son who's had almost 2 years to build a great relationship with Xing Fu? Yes, he hasn't dealt with real separation since he was 7 so it isn't as fresh as it is for Xing Fu's children, but what if? What if? But, as Xing Fu pointed out--we cannot live life as what if it doesn't work.

As we wandered through the corn maze & then the pumpkin patch looking for the just right pumpkins to carve, as we made dinner & carved the pumpkins, lit them, & put them outside to see how we did, I knew that this was no risk--it was right where I needed to be. It is a risk worth taking.

ACK!

2011-10-20T22:20:00.000-04:00

I am just so stressed & anxious about the house thing--we have begun. The list is just so long & I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by the whole thing. But first things first, de-clutter.

Last night, Xing Fu & I tackled the crawl space under the house. There were years of stuff in there--books, papers, stuff from my ex--two bar stools he picked up off a Baltimore street over 15 years ago...it was hard to just toss it aside (not the bar stools). No, I don't want to keep any of it--but it represents my history--kinda tough to sift through it all. Getting all that stuff out will leave room to box up the stuff upstairs so that the house can be "staged" to sell--kinda like living in a hotel room for a few months. When we leave this house, a chapter of my life will definitely close & that's kinda scary.

We're all full of talk like, "When we have a house together such & such will happen" or "When we live together this is going to be how things will be...", etc. Positively nerve-wracking! And exciting. I know my kid is getting more interested as he sees things being moved out--he's talking about wanting to have a bigger space & more privacy. He has also said that he'll miss the only home he's known--

But everything in the crawl space except my stuffed animals "Snuggles" is going to the dump or to Good Will. Especially the bar stools--as I throw them onto the metal scrap heap I will be thinking that I am definitely happy that chapter of hoarding husbands is closed!

Boyfriend, Defined?

2011-10-19T15:54:00.000-04:00

As my 3rd "Blogoversary" looms nearer, I often take some time to reflect how things have changed from year to year & of course this one is no different. So as I have been thinking back & how when I first started this blog it was all about the myriad of frogs that I had kissed, was kissing, & was going to kiss, I fell across this article in the lofty rag, of all places, The New York Times. Finding love can be frustrating, discouraging, interesting, & sometimes pretty fun, but it is difficult for all ages as this particular essay by Marguerite Fields shows. It was published in 2008 (I wonder what has since happened to its author--has she found "the one"?). Anyway, it wants to target college students or recent entrants into the "adult" world, but I think it applies to all of us enchanted frog-seekers newly minted or not:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/04/fashion/04love.html?pagewanted=all

Bagels

2011-10-18T21:45:00.000-04:00

I wanna make you happy.
I wanna make you feel alive.
Let me make you happy.
I wanna make you feel alive at night.

--The KOOKS "Junk of the Heart "

Mornings are usually a little nuts now that we have to get up & moving earlier so I can make sure that I get my kid to school & get myself to work on time....which I so hope will change once we move.

Every morning that Xing Fu is at the house he seems to be in charge of breakfast--nothing huge, usually a half a bagel but he goes into the kitchen & toasts them up & meticulously spreads something on them for us. Ok, not such a big deal but in a way it is--I could do it some days or we could just get something on the road. But he does it every morning. I said once before that it was the little things--and this is one example. I told him that I appreciated his efforts especially as we're rushing out the door--not taking these little things for granted. The little things are the glue--recognizing them--important.

House Revenge

2011-10-11T21:22:00.000-04:00

Yup, this moving thing is stressing me out. I think my house is out to get me. It knows something's up--yeah, giving life to inanimate objects certainly questions my sanity but let me explain. First my heat went up--tried to turn it on the week it was so freakin' cold & sure enough it just clicked--the basement crickets were louder--same thing happened last year too--ARGH!! Frustrating! But that ain't the worst of it. Yesterday I decide to do laundry--not so remarkable to be sure & it definitely needed to be done--the kid had no khakis & the BF no socks sooooo.... Anyhoo, I step outside to talk to my dad as he dropped off the kid & when I go back inside I notice a little water on the floor in front of the washer--& then I look up & notice the gusher that is the washer hose--now backed up & spewing water all over the place! After fixing that part of it, I then follow the huge puddle of water all the way across my laundry room--past the cat box with the litter that was kicked out turning to gray sludge, past the dog food bowl that is now floating away, over to the utility door that is NEVER used & where a virtual lake has formed. I decide to sweep out the extra water through the door, & then clean up the rest, sanitize the tiled floor & call it a night. Sounds easy right? Not so fast! Upon opening said utility door (which by the way may have only been opened once or twice the entire time I've owned this house), the hinges crack & separate from the door jamb & something I didn't notice as I attempt to jam the door back closed, a crack in the door proper. This is an original flimsy wood door from a house built in '57. It just will not close--no matter how hard my kid & I slam our bodies against the damn door--it just will not close! Hence my thoughts that this crazy-ass house is out to get me! After calling Xing Fu to beg him to help me out of this mess, I realize that this house selling operation ain't gonna be cheap. I am sooooo far away from listing this house & we needed to list it last week in today's housing market. Case in point: New steel door (so as to pass house inspection) $1250. GACK! Painting, possible new roof, possible new kitchen cabinets, de-cluttering...AGAIN, etc., etc., etc......the list is getting longer & longer--any volunteers? Please? I'm begging.....yeah, I'm hearing those cellar crickets again...something else I'll need to get rid of...

Messy Complexity

2011-09-29T22:34:00.000-04:00

"To entrust another with your heart means revealing your humanity in all its messy complexity & vulnerability." --Rosemary Mahoney

We are definitely taking a huge risk here--a scary one--I touched on it briefly last post when I said that I hadn't lived with anyone but my child since '04. It's not going to happen straight away--lots of stuff to work out but we are stepping out into the abyss. But here I am at this point in my life & even though we have a ton more responsibility now then when we were just starting into our "adult" lives, I know this is the right move with the right person.

Reaffirmed by a simple action tonight before Xing Fu went to bed. Last night I spent the evening with him in the ER--he has a history of having kidney stones & last night was my indoctrination into that terribly painful experience. He's fine but still recovering a bit & that's where tonight's story picks up. On the nights that we aren't together he usually calls me before turning in. I look forward to it--it's like a nice warm blanket on a cold night right before I go to sleep kind of feeling. This afternoon he called me early & said that he wasn't going to call me later. I mentioned to him that I look forward to the calls right before bed & would he mind calling to say good night. His reply was "we'll see." I was a bit disappointed but knew he was tired & wanted to go to sleep early. Around 9:45 my phone rings. What is so wonderful about that is he wants to make me happy--I treasure that so much. I thanked him & told him how much I appreciated that he wants to please me. So worth the risk.

Cohabitating Frogs

2011-09-27T18:29:00.000-04:00

OK, some of you may have noticed that I changed the wording on my header & description (or mebbe you didn't). Well, the times they are a changin'. I think it is probably good to indicate that I'm no longer writing about dating & all of those lovely frogs I kissed--the blog's focus has definitely shifted (sailing certainly is still in there). I think it is fair to say that I'm writing more about the trials & tribulations of an LTR & how to successfully blend families after divorce. Yup, that's it! And, it ain't easy...but for the most part we seem to have navigated part one fairly well--from introductions to doing activities together to spending a week at the beach. Yeah, there are bumps in the road, but if this were part one of the story, we've closed that chapter & now onto the next. Which brings me to the "MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT"

Chapter Two?

If it weren't hard enough to bring our families together, Xing Fu & I are now going to push the envelope some more. We are really planning to blend the families--no, not what you're thinking--no wedding bells. But we are going to live together. That's the plan & oh boy, as happy & excited as I am to move our relationship to the next level, I am rife with anxiety as well. I realized today that I haven't lived with anyone besides my kid since I kicked my ex out in 2004. Big changes coming for us all. We've always said that we test the reaches of our relationship--those early relationship tests--like getting stranded in a snowstorm together all of two weeks into our dating one another. I think we're up for the challenge. Stay tuned!

Going Forward

2011-09-19T17:10:00.000-04:00

It has been a tough couple of weeks filled with some deep disappointment--however, I know who my friends are--those who reached out to me--I may not have been so receptive to some but I will come around soon. Keep trying, you may be surprised. My sister was a great support--she put it out there & I'm grateful for her incredible & kind words. Check out her blog (yeah, chip off the old block): windycitymomma.com.

Sandaway on Tred Avon in Oxford, MD

But I had a great weekend come out of great disappointment--good karma perhaps. Xing Fu was racing to Oxford on his regular ride & I was able to get on a boat myself--a PHRF A2 boat (not used to that fleet at all). It was good fun & the regular crew really made me feel welcome--I flew the kite for a bit & trimmed jib. For me, this was hugely important because I was feeling pretty low about the racing thing & extremely nervous about stepping on a new boat too. The race went by pretty fast & the guys I sat with on the rail kept me laughing along with learning a bit more about tactics for that particular boat. It also helped that Xing Fu recognized how anxious I was when he dropped me off at the marina for the 3 hour motor to the start & sent me a text telling me that I should have fun & that I was a good sailor. It was the best thing he could have said--I instantly relaxed & I did have great fun. After the race, we all sat out with about four boats rafted together enjoying Dark 'n' Stormies made by my skipper & Mango Mai Tais made by the boat rafted next to us along with a very nice spread of cheese, fruit, nuts, & crackers. Nice ending to a nice distance race.

Xing Fu & I planned a stay at the Sandaway B&B--a beautiful room overlooking the Tred Avon River with its own screened in porch, just where the the race ended. We planned to stay there overnight & have a leisurely morning instead of racing back. Which we did--we went briefly to the party, had dinner at a cool little bistro & then got pulled over by Oxford's finest for a headlight. He was desperately trying to make Xing Fu get a ticket for 1) going 30 in a 25 mph zone & 2) broken headlight & 3) DUI. Xing Fu even offered to take a breathalyzer test which the cop declined but still tried to tell him that he smelled alcohol--mind you, Xing Fu had had a sip of my wine at dinner & that was all...so all he ended up giving us was a verbal warning for speeding, a repair order for my car which just seems to LOVE blowing headlights (this being the 4th since I've had the car). The next day we watched the boats start the race back to Annapolis & then went to brunch at the Robert Morris Inn--very nice also. It will be great to do that again next year. All in all, good came from bad & I have another wonderful weekend full of memories.

Be Gentle

2011-09-09T16:18:00.000-04:00

One of my college friends posted this on Facebook. It is something I need right about now so I include a link to this blog:

http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151

It is a good post.

Tough Going

2011-09-06T20:44:00.000-04:00

Yeah, it's hackneyed but it still applies...

"He is the best sailor who can steer within the fewest points of the wind, and exact a motive power out of the greatest obstacles."
--Henry David Thoreau

Sometimes no matter how hard you try & how much your heart is in the right place things just don't go your way. I say this after a very frustrating weekend on the water--we started strong & just couldn't maintain. Which sucks because we've all worked so hard. And it wasn't for lack of trying & having the will to make it happen. So discouraging though. We have a very competitive fleet & a lot of these guys have been sailing their boats for way longer than us--not an excuse, just reality. But it was heartbreaking nonetheless. But we can do it--practice makes perfect & we WILL get there. I appreciate the hell out of everyone I sail with & I know we will persevere! 'Nuff said. Go Get 'em!

"My goal in sailing isn't to be brilliant or flashy in individual races, just to be consistent over the long run."
--Dennis Conner

Oozing in Gently

2011-08-24T19:13:00.001-04:00

"You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates."
--Erma Bombeck

I think one of the best pieces of advice I received about being a "stepmom" (quote marks 'cuz I ain't one officially) was from my mother--a stepmother herself. She told me that it was important to sit back & watch & not push myself on Xing Fu's kids. For me that is extremely difficult--I want the most important people in his life to like me & accept me--so anxiety over that translates into the need for over-interest. I've fought mightily against that trend & I think I've done pretty well with it, but I remind myself often to sit back & let the situation unfold. So it was interesting when I came across a section in a book titled The Courage to be a Stepmom by Sue Patton Thoele where she discusses just that. The book was given to me by a co-worker way back in March or April & has been sitting by my bed gathering dust as I've decided recently that many "stepmothering" books are evil. More on that in a sec.

What Thoele says is that as a stepmother I should "ooze in gently" like introducing a new cat or kitten into a family. "Lovingly let 'em alone to sniff out the new house." Stay in the background--be there to provide what is asked for & let them come to you for what they need/want--or set out a food dish & water in the case of a cat...let them set the pace (cats usually do). Expecting an instant family just won't work--first of all, unlike having your own children, you & your _(fill-in-the-blank)____ have each other's children as steps...an "unnatural alliance of your kids & my kids." Additionally, Thoele says that often these children are beyond the "cuteness" stage & bonding over the long term just hasn't happened. There's just no shared past history. In fact, I often feel VERY left out when Xing Fu & his children discuss past events that shaped them as a family--very exclusionary & difficult--yes, we are making new memories now (beach vaycay, e.g.), but those are very few as everything is so new in the grand scheme of lifetime events. All I can do is sit back & allow our connections to unfold. We are getting there--slowly but surely. Sometimes it is pretty hard--sometimes I have to grit my teeth, remain calm, & remind myself that I'm the adult. And sometimes it's pretty wonderful--like when one of the kids mentions that they wished my son were with us at the beach so he could enjoy the big raft at the water park with us. Actually, I think most of us involved really want this to work--even the kids.

Darest thou now O soul,
Walk out with me toward the unknown region,
Where neither ground is for the feet nor any
path to follow?

--Walt Whitman

Back to the evil book thingy--all of these books except for the one I'm currently writing about just paint the most negative stepmonster pictures for our future as a blended family--I need affirmations, a shoulder to lean on, understanding, answers to why a behavior is manifesting...you know--support. That's why I've set most of these books aside and was reluctant to open this one. I'm glad I have cracked the binding open because at least this section of the book has been very affirming.

The Longest Shadows

2011-08-20T22:59:00.000-04:00

So where did the summer go? On Friday night we celebrated the end of the Friday Night Racing at EYC. Otherwise known as Beer Cans. We took second place in the second series so we did get a "trophy"--etched pint glass--fitting, since it was the beer can series. Anyway, the awards were distributed during a massive thunderstorm--a bunch of sailors stuck under a party tent in the middle of a torrential downpour--at one point I decided that standing under this questionably stable tent was not something I wanted to do--Xing Fu having already decided that being inside the EYC clubhouse was far favorable to being outside with a bunch of soggy sailors. I ran out from under the tent & into the club, about 10 yards at best, & I was soaked through. So much for staying dry....

But really what this post is about is that with the close of the Beer Can series so draws to an end--summer. Sigh....it zoomed, zipped, zapped & is on its way out...the shadows are longer & the days are shorter & no longer does 8:00 PM still mean sitting on the back deck of the clubhouse for dinner watching the sun begin to set in Annapolis. Which sucks...yeah, we have some big regattas in September, & yes I can sail in the Wednesday Night series on the West River a lot longer than the AYC series, but work starts on Monday & the kids go back to school on the 29th. Even if my son doesn't officially start until September 7th--those private schools still understand the importance of a long summer...

And so we begin to shed our summer skins....

Summer Skin

2011-08-19T23:17:00.000-04:00

Squeaking swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor Day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left, I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats were so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Because the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin

--Death Cab For Cutie

Make Me Smile II

2011-08-15T10:04:00.000-04:00

Opening with "Make Me Smile"

Last night Xing Fu & I went to see Chicago at Pier 6. Earlier this year he'd played the song "Make Me Smile" & I'd written that I hoped the band played that song during the concert.

http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2011/04/make-me-smile.html

And they did--an auspicious beginning--and they played the song a couple times throughout. I turned to Xing Fu with a big smile on my face--he had the same & we both knew that even if it seems a little hokey, having that song be the opening one was a big deal for us--a very good big deal.

Not that Chicago is normally the kind of musical fare that I tend to listen to but I need to say that they were certainly part of the background of my childhood--it actually surprised me a bit to realize that I knew far more of their songs than I realized.

It has been a heavy concert summer yet again. I asked Xing Fu if his ticket stubs have increased exponentially since he met me--he said no question--we do go to a lot of live music. This summer we've seen: The Decemberists, Peter Frampton, Death Cab For Cutie, Chicago, and will be seeing Wilco & Leo Kottke. I can't remember if we've seen any others but like last summer there have been a lot. Good--something we can share that we love to do--like that sailing thing...

Tacks & Jibes (Thanks BB)

2011-08-11T17:44:00.000-04:00

Been practicing for a couple big regattas in September. Annapolis Race Week, which I did last year & a really biggie: the J/30 North Americans. This particular regatta is only for J/30s. From all over the country. Very cool.

So last Friday I had a great opportunity to fly the kite without the pole & without the main. It was an amazing experience, yeah, kinda geeking out on the sailing thing again but I can't even begin to describe how it feels to see that big sail fill & the tug on your arms as you are the one controlling that boat through the water...sailing nirvana.

Last night instead of racing we did a ton of tacks & jibes--over & over--start runs over & over. I was a busy chickie--was a little rusty & also feeling a bit stressed about getting it right & sometimes I screwed up but by the end I think I had the feel back & was executing better--it was cool also because I was the only one trimming spin & handling the guy (ah, the sexual innuendo here...). It ain't easy to do both but taking care of both really helps get that feel of moving the sail with the wind better--still a steep learning curve & there are some things that I need to work on but it is exciting to get out there & learn so much. I was telling Xing Fu that this season has really been one of learning--from the J-World class that I took early in the season I have a much better grasp of it all--certainly I'm no expert or even that good, but I now see things that I'd NEVER have known or seen before or even understood--even last year. And I'm still trying to catch up. But I am lucky because I am given an amazing opportunity on the boat I sail on--ratcheting up as my skipper likes to say...yeah, baby!

Camp Days

2011-08-04T19:37:00.002-04:00

Every year my kid escapes for a month. With his best friend in the world. What boy doesn't want that? He & his "bro" talk about camp all year long--I'm happy that he is able to do it & loves it this much. I think it is very good for him as an only child too. (Not really--he has a "brother" and a younger "sister") Boy do I miss him. I said this about my beach week--I missed him not being part of that--but I digress. Parenting has changed a lot since I went to camp.

This post was triggered by an email from my sister--she'd forwarded her daughter's "Weekly Camp Report". As I'd forwarded my son's. Yup--when I was in camp there was no such thing as a camp report--my impression was that the less my parents knew about what I doing or how I was doing at camp the better. Camp was the black hole of parenting back then. Send the kid down to North Carolina on a plane & wave bye-bye for the summer. "Parent Party-time!! WOOHOO!! No Kids!!" Well, that's my impression of it. How times have changed! Now every week I receive a letter from my kid's camp telling me what he's been up to--he even has to write a section. I love, Love, LOVE this. Since my son's letters are sporadic and sketchy at best (good, that means he's having a blast), this serves as a way to really know what's up. When did camps start this? Or have they always done it & I'm just being let in on the secret now. Meh. Is it a result of the "Helicopter Parent" syndrome? Does that make me a Helicopter Parent?? ACK!! I'm developing a complex....

Nah...I'm just interested in my son's life-- :)

Truth be told--I also like having time off being a parent--call it a bit of "Parent Respite Care". By the time I get kinda used to not having him around, he comes home & I realize how much I'm glad that I'm being a mom again.

Happy Frogs

2011-08-01T22:38:00.001-04:00

Cape Henlopen State Park

Yikes! Where did the time go? I just spent the last week at the beach with Xing Fu & 2 of his kids. I'm learning how to be "stepmom". And contrary to what I've been reading & at this point, have stopped reading, things seem to be going quite well. Now don't get me wrong--it's not all flowers & butterflies all the time, & I did have moments of aggravation, but overall our beach week was a success on many levels. It was another test of a sort. Not necessarily Xing Fu testing me, well maybe just a little, always a question about how good the fit with his kids. (Me too with my son--but I've long since decided that was not needed at all.) But the grrr moments were very few & far in between & I think we all walked away feeling pretty good about the week. Yay us! I still think about some of the advice in the Stepmother books, & try to be realistic about it all. And recently I've been reviewing my own stepmothers' performances (my one stepmom is only 9 years older than me...HUGE issue when I was growing up--mega teenage 'tude, ya' know?) ) & my mom's stepmother performance to sorta bounce the way I'm doing the step thing off of theirs. My mom has told me how impressed she is--great--the true test is how Xing Fu's kids feel & he says that they felt it was a great week so there it is.

Xing Fu wrote me an email this morning telling me that he's a Happy Frog. One of our sailing friends dubbed him a Happy Frog a few months ago--we now talk about that--I've asked him at different times if he's a "Happy Frog". At Screwpile, our skipper bought a smiling frog wind whirligig thingy & we tied it to the backstay where it grinned down at us until the first gybe--blew off his whirligig. Actually, the whole frog was left & he continued grinning at us the rest of the regatta. So I must be the princess who kissed the frog--a reference to kissing a ton of frogs when I was dating--lucky me--it took a while but good karma is good karma.

It's continuing to be a good summer--now to get through the next two weeks until my kiddo comes back from camp--he was definitely missed on our beach trip but there's always next year.

Screwpile-Year Dos

2011-07-21T17:35:00.000-04:00

We've been anticipating this regatta since summer began--it officially marks the halfway point of the sailing season (that's a bummer) & is a 3 day regatta down on Solomon's Island. This year my skipper was away so we had a guest skipper with most of the regular crew plus 3 others (Xing Fu) was one. Our skipper was from Puerto Rico & occasionally there was a little language barrier--it was actually rather cute & she was so optimistic despite never cracking the top 10 (there were 16 in our PHRF B fleet) that it was just nice to sail with her. We had three days of pretty flukey wind too. Only the last day did we have the expected "no wind on the Chesapeake" so abandon race problem & for the most part there was pretty decent air for a change. And on our first race we were about a minute and a half late for the start--unlike last year the Race Committee did not have a gun, only a horn, nor did they really announce starts very loudly over the radio. That was actually our best race--we came in 11th--crazy! But we had a great time!

Xing Fu & I did something a bit nutso--we drove back to Baltimore after the first day's races (3 total)--about a 2 hour drive from Solomon's Island & went to a concert at Pier Six--Peter Frampton. Definitely music that Xing Fu chose-but it was fun listening to music that brought me back to my very early teens & the boy who introduced me to Frampton & the Who. For me though, by the second set, I was sitting in my seat & nodding off. One minute I'm listening to very good guitars & the next thing I know I'm on Bump...hearing one of my crew members telling me to trim the kite... And then the 2 hour trip back down to Screwpile--arriving at 1AM. Dock time 8:30 AM...you get the picture. But it was fun, fun, fun! (And I have a great BF--he gave me his red hat--there were only 4 in the skipper's bag & we had 8 crew. The skipper got one & we drew for the rest. He can be so sweet!)

And now, we are leaving for the beach on Saturday for a week. Nonstop summer--it has been another great one so far except now my A/C is out during the hottest heat wave to hit B-more! But amazingly once the A/C guy got here, looked at the unit he saw the most amazing thing & apparently pretty rare--my A/C has been attacked by ants! Yup, they'd crawled into the connector & prevented one part from touching another which communicated with the thermostat--thankfully a VERY easy & relatively inexpensive fix. A/C up & running as the temps her in B-more continue to climb, climb, climb!

Where Did I Go?

2011-07-11T18:20:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I've been MIA for a while--not necessarily a bad thing. With the sailing season in full motion--Screwpile is coming up starting on Sunday--Xing Fu is sailing with Bump... which is always fun, and a bunch of parties including my buddy's (Baltimore Diary) pig roast (that I'll actually get to go to this year), a Peter Frampton concert (yeah, not my typical fare--guess whose??), my kid spending a week on the Schooner Sultana, & very shortly off for a month at summer camp, oh, & work too, I've lost track of time. I can't believe that we're already in July & that tomorrow is my birthday! I also can't believe that I'll be 44--I just don't feel that old....I can hear my sister now--"You are that old..."

This summer has been nonstop--just days after Screwpile, Xing Fu & I are taking off with his kids to the beach--yup, my kid will not be with us (camp). That part will be quite strange. But a week at the beach without my family & with my man is something new--something I've been looking forward to--I rarely take a vacation. I think the last real vaycay was to Amsterdam two years ago--wow--it's been two years already! I'm looking forward to a pause in the action--a time to just breathe & regroup--plus being by the ocean is always a good place for me to be. And with Xing Fu...'nuff said.

And, contrary to all the stuff I've seen written about blending families (jealousies, obnoxious kids, the ex-factors & a thousand other nasties that I've read about), things continue to go really well with our kids & us. I even received some texts from one of Xing Fu's kids today--for some reason that was the best affirmation that things are going well--that familiarity & comfort in being able to text me--cool.

Annapolis girl, 14, dies after boat capsizes during sailing camp

2011-06-27T07:18:00.000-04:00

Annapolis girl, 14, dies after boat capsizes during sailing camp

This is a tragedy & a reminder that sailing can be a very dangerous sport. My heart goes out to her family.

Summer "Sailstice"

2011-06-20T09:48:00.000-04:00

"Sail Locally, Celebrate Globally"
http://www.summersailstice.com/

This weekend was a busy one as usual & it was full of sailing--of course. Xing Fu & I were on opposite race days so on Saturday he was out there for the "Sailstice" racing on a boat designed by the skipper--they took two bullets so I guess that design is working...A bit south down in Deale, I was out with one of my teammates from Bump & one of our friends on his boat. We were cruising--racers cruising is ALWAYS interesting & this was no different. But I digress..."Sailstice" is a little non-profit that celebrates the summer & sailing--being out sailing around the solstice is always cool so having a little celebration & actually being out there is even better. Xing Fu told me he would look south & think of us out there..nice.

So off we go & our skipper says that he picked up a spinnaker for free & would we like to fly it? No twisting of arms necessary--although he wasn't sure what shape it was actually in--we soon discovered that it was an asymmetric kite & was about 20 feet too short for the boat--probably a very good J/22 spinnaker, not for a Columbia 9.6.....but being who we are, we decided to fly the thing anyway & as a symmetric kite too...at one point we considered flying it from the backstay to see if we could get the boat to go backwards....just a thought.

"The Kid" under "spinnaker"

As the wind got lighter we decided to go swimming--I'd never been dragged behind a boat under sail--2 knots--very cool--the entire day was fun & of course the company....cruising can be fun after all..

Next day back out on Bump for the AYC Annual Regatta. The first race was a good one, the second, well, anyone who knows the Chesapeake Bay in the summer, no wind. The second race was given three gunshots & we were done. Despite no wind for the second race, it was good just to be out with the crew again--always fun & entertaining. Next weekend is the Twilight Race--starts late in the day after the wind has filled in (we hope). And as the summer progresses...Screwpile is on the horizon...summer=sailing.

Another Great Weekend

2011-06-06T17:13:00.000-04:00

We tend to write this in an email after every weekend we spend together--obviously a very good thing but it brings me to the idea of appreciation. I ran across a little snippet about strengthening your relationship with your significant other. It read:

Get In Your Head

To be happy with your husband, you may have to re-train your brain, says Achor. For 21 days in a row, write down one new thing you're grateful for about your husband. "Research shows that by the end of those three weeks, you will have taught your brain to be more appreciative and loving toward your mate," she says.

We already to this to some degree is what I wrote in an email this morning. Even if Xing Fu tries to drown me, or knock me out with the boom, he does not blow off the little advice blurbs I send him. He treats them with respect & recognizes how much we both work to keep our relationship a strong & healthy one. To that end I certainly appreciate the effort we both put forth--it shows a deep commitment to each other. And we're going to give it a try without being redundant. My first one:

I appreciate that you treat these little relationship advice snippets that I find & send seriously & not just "humor" me.

And I wonder, looking at the recent failure of a relationship that an acquaintance of mine had blow up in her face, if we're the lucky ones. Of course, she had it coming--hatred spewing people cannot find others who will find them positive, loving people--if you hate, you will see Karma come right back atcha'--how can you have a loving relationship with anyone when you exude such anger & negativity?

I also like to think that for the most part my friends' relationships & marriages are also ones that show deep appreciation--they seem to--this weekend demonstrated that as we all descended on BFF(J)'s house on the water for an impromptu BBQ--

The Loyalty Question

2011-05-31T22:10:00.000-04:00

As always a busy weekend. And believe it or not, I wasn't sailing....in fact, for the first time I missed the Miles River Race & of course the weather, wind,etc., was perfect...sigh. Regardless, I had a good weekend with Xing Fu, his mom, his kids, & my kid. And, it was my BFF(J)'s annual Day Before Memorial Day party & I was able to see a bunch of friends that I don't see all that often these days--so a good time despite not racing--there will be many more Miles races I'm sure....but to the point of the post:

I have been reading a bunch of "divorced with children & blending families" books these days & for the most part they are all full of dire predictions of hardship--jealousies, loyalty issues, & just down-right meanness. This weekend could have been a disaster because of all of those kinds of things--we had a lot of activities planned for all of us--Saturday we went strawberry picking at Larriland Farm http://www.pickyourown.com/ --great fun & the strawberries to die for--there is nothing like picking a ripe, juicy strawberry off the plant, warmed in the sun, & popping it in your mouth--amazing. We gathered a ton of them--good thing we had a party to go to--great dessert. I am also planning to make a couple strawberry-rhubarb pies--Xing Fu's kids' request so it appears that they will not go to waste. But I digress--the different activities--after strawberries I took two of Xing Fu's kids & my own to my kid's soccer game. Here was an opportunity again for boredom, disaster, any number of things but it went very well--despite my kid's team getting trounced. Dinner with all of us also pitfalls & then the big party on Sunday.

Throughout all of this I kept thinking about the Loyalty question. What's that? Well, in ALL of the books there is always a section about the children's loyalty to their mother. They don't want to like the "step" mom so they are undermining, manipulative & sometimes mean. Especially if they do like the stepmom. And according to Xing Fu, his kids really do like me--a lot. So here I am waiting for the other shoe to drop & it hasn't. Which is great! I hope it never happens because I am very fond of them too.

I Don't Speak Love

2011-05-30T09:32:00.000-04:00

I know I've been a fool
I'm distant and I'm arrogant
And stubborn as a mule
I want to be a better man
And take good care of you
If you could find it in your heart
To help us see this through

I Can Feel Love
I Can See Love
I Don't Speak Love
I Sure Need Your Love

What a price I'll pay
To spend my life this way
I can't take this pain
When every heartbeat calls your name

Gertie looked him in the eye
And said, "Boy, you are a mess."
"Don't try to find an eloquence
You never can possess."
Willie held her in his arms
And whispered in her ear
"I just need to learn to say the words
You long to hear."

--The Radiators

We saw the Radiators last week & although I think the venue wasn't right, (I'd seen them at 8X10--perfect), they were good, but not as great as I'd remembered--but this song struck me so I'm reprinting the lyrics.

Appreciation

2011-05-26T17:48:00.001-04:00

On Sunday Xing Fu tried to off me...

Yep, I was trimming the jib during a race & I was grinding in when all of a sudden we were scuppers in the water & me, well I was almost up to my waist--at least one leg was. Xing Fu was on main & had forgotten the traveller so we were heeled way over. And then later, since he didn't get rid of me that way-- He hit me with the boom...tenacious aren't I??

But, I appreciate the attempt--but I appreciate this even more:

"I asked my girlfriend: How did your dad show your mom that he loved her? Her response: "Ceaseless appreciation of everything she did for him. He treated everything she did as if it were a surprise, as if it were the first time he'd ever had her chili or smelled her perfume. He noted every routine kindness. And he loved her the same way, consistently."

From Esquire

From Xing Fu: "Looking at my tie earlier today, I smiled at your helping me trim the thread. A loving gesture."

"I hope we always smile together", is what I wrote back.

He says these things to me a lot. Just makes me remember the dating mishaps & how I always had hope that the right person was out there for me & that through it all I'd always kept a positive attitude.

How great that I have a man who isn't afraid to share his appreciation with me & how incredible is it that he loves to sail. He may exasperate me sometimes, piss me off, & frustrate me too, but he is, as we approach the year & a half mark, my best friend--I am thankful for all that he does to enhance my life. Yikes, am I a mushy one right now!

The Rapture

2011-05-23T16:45:00.000-04:00

Of a great sailing weekend--did a distance race from Annapolis to Gibson Island on Saturday (little to no wind) & then on Sunday did an around the buoys race on the Magothy River. Kinda nostalgic for me because Dobbins Island is there. When I was a little girl we used to sail to Dobbins & anchor out, row over to the island (back then you could go on the island--now it's eroding so people can't go there), gather sassafras that my grandmother would brew into tea as we continued our cruise down the Chesapeake. In fact, when I was in first grade I drew a picture for my grandparents of us at Dobbins. See it above. In it, Dobbins is in the background, a sailboat with "26 Footer" written on the mainsail, and me & my cousin swimming in the bay. Also included are the requisite sea nettles which have wrapped themselves around my cousin while I swam ahead of them. I gave this picture to my grandparents & it hung in their house until they died. Now it is mine & I treasure that memory.

Saturday evening after-race party was great, part of the crew had her boat brought up as a "floating hotel" and they rafted next to Bump. After drinking the requisite Dark n' Stormy, having a hot dog, & saying hi to many people from the J/30 fleet that I've come to know, we all settled down below & decided that we were the left behinds after the Rapture. Which makes sense because we're a bunch of rowdy sailors. I don't think I've laughed that hard in quite a while.

Great wind on Sunday, especially the second race. We came in third--for me it was a busy day as I trimmed jib & spinnaker so I had no rest on the upwind leg or the downwind leg. Not complaining--just sore. In fact, I loved that I was so busy--it feels good to be active all the time but I'm sure that if I had to maintain that over a three-day regatta I'd be in serious trouble I think. Sunday was particularly nice because Xing Fu joined us--trimmed main. I always enjoy sailing with him--makes doing what I love just that much more fun.

I'm glad it's sailing season again--as the sun set on Saturday, a man stood at the end of the center dock at the Gibson Island Yacht Squadron & played the bagpipes--what an amazing image to remind me of a great weekend with my awesome sailing friends!

Just OK?

2011-05-20T06:55:00.000-04:00

So according to this article I read online--many people are stuck in "semi-happy" relationships. Pamela Haag wrote a book (Marriage Confidential) about these types of relationships & how to not stay in the rut. She says that couples often settle for a "just ok" relationship--the question being, "Is this all there is?" Yeah, that's a toughie. I think any LTR, be it marriage or otherwise, fights against that river current. The romantic ideal--the feet floating above the earth, rapid heartbeat, etc., etc., just doesn't last--is that all there is when reality sets in?

Glamour: You also mention that "children are the new spouses." How so?

Pamela Haag: When I grew up, there were times when adults wanted to be alone and have adult conversations, and kids were told to scram. Now kids are so often invited and have become the focus of family life, and that can negatively affect marriages.

Glamour: So how does one avoid falling into a semi-happy rut?

Pamela Haag: It's more about how you live in a marriage than whom you choose. I think people in happy marriages live like they're on vacation all the time, in the sense that they're paying attention to each other and trying to have some fun. Marriage should be enjoyable rather than just hard work.

Living like they're on vacation--finding things to do besides dinner & a movie for date night or sitting on the couch watching TV & ordering pizza. Yup, I agree that is a major way to keep it lively. The quickest way to total dissatisfaction being too tired to go out. Get up! Go sailing! Heehee. OK, if you get seasick, don't go sailing--but get up & do something. It has been a year & a half & Xing Fu & I have yet to have a "traditional" date night--we've NEVER been to a movie together--it has now become a running joke. What can we find to do other than that rut-producer? Turns out--PLENTY!! Going to the beach for the weekend for me is creating that alone couple time, geocaching, concerts & of course sailing...there's just so much to do--I think we do a good job of living like we're on vacation even in the midst of our responsibilities to our families & our work & anything else. We make it part of our priority & I think it shows. Good on us!

Learning Curve

2011-05-13T17:32:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I'm taking a two-day sailing course with J-World. While this is nothing hugely special in the sense that many sailors take courses--Captain's License, for example, or Blue Water sailing, it's kinda a big deal for me. I talked about how I used to race with my grandfather in a cruising class when I was growing up--that much is certainly true but three years ago when I decided to do this "racing" thing for real, I never guessed what it would be all about; how involved & how much I really didn't know. Looking back on it now it is somewhat embarrassing. When I stepped onto that J/42 three years ago in April I was certainly nervous but I knew I was a sailor & had raced before--I figured it would be no big deal--HA! I quickly learned that even though I'd been sailing all my life, this ain't your mother's sailing! My ignorance just makes me cringe now. In fact, when I wrote about racing on this blog--my lack of knowledge of terminology, etc., is glaringly apparent. http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2009/04/sailracer-in-napolis.html I really don't want to link back to it--that's how embarrassed I am....Anyway, some of the guys on that J/42 suggested that I take courses at J-World on that first day I went out. I think I may have asked them how they got into the racing. (This was before I went to the crew listings party with Spin Sheet) Their response was that they'd all taken these courses & had done regattas with J-World. Interesting, I thought, but I sorta dismissed it--I'd seen adverts for the school as well as many others in the Annapolis & Baltimore area but just didn't think it would benefit me. Funny how it's full circle now. Yeah, since my regular boat has a symmetrical spinnaker, I made sure to ask the folks at J-World to make sure they had that & the pole on board for me. Back three years ago I couldn't tell you the difference between an asymmetrical or a symetric kite. In fact, I probably didn't even refer to a spinnaker as a "kite", "chute", or anything else, let alone fly the damn thing. Not that I'm great at it now, hence the course on spin trim. But I'm quite excited by the prospect of getting this experience on becoming better at spin trim & also learning about the asym which I've never flown before. I am also hoping that I become more valuable to my boat. You've come a long way, baby! But as Xing Fu is quick to point out, & something I also know with regard to TKD, I may be a 2nd degree black belt, but there are 9 degrees total & I'm really just a beginner. Perhaps this course over the weekend will make me an advanced beginner....

Your Song

2011-05-11T06:39:00.000-04:00

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

--Elton John

How To Date The Crew

2011-05-05T16:34:00.000-04:00

So over the years I've crewed on a bunch of different boats. Some only once & others for a few different races or as a semi-regular on Wednesday nights. And now I have a regular ride on Bump...which is great--I like having a home. I think I have a new spin on crewing--it's a hell of a lot like dating--how? Well let me tell ya'. I used to write a lot about my 50 first dates & how I kissed a lot of frogs until Xing Fu became my Frog Prince. I think finding the right boat to call home is a lot like that. I've spent a few years "trying out" a bunch of boats--50 first crews?

I don't like skippers who yell a lot or who verbally bash their crew & I've seen it & been put through it. If sailing is supposed to be fun, who the fuck needs that?? I also don't enjoy being put on the rail for the entire race as ballast--I need a job--I may not be the most experienced racer out there (Xing Fu is miles & miles better than me), but I do know how to sail, been doing it all my life, just not racing, & I can trim jib or do pole on down wind legs if I'm not regular crew. I wouldn't ever dream of taking the job of a regular, but don't have me sit & do nothing except get bashed up diving across the deck during the tacks. To me, that just ain't fun.

What I've learned is that when you find "the one", it just doesn't matter that you get banged up crossing the cabin top--and I may hurl myself across even faster because I want us to do better. That's how I felt last night during the Wednesday night race. In fact, the first time I crewed on Bump for the first race of the Wednesday night series on the West River, I felt that tingle--that these people were fun to be with & that I fit right in, uh-oh...And I stayed with them & now I look forward to being with them both on & off the water. It is a good fit & it took a little while---I'll never forget the "infamous tiller" on another boat I crewed with for a few races...ah, the stories...anyway.

Last weekend I'd taken a guest spot on another boat for NOODs. It just wasn't a good fit & if, when Sunday rolled around, and my head & heart weren't in it & I questioned why I love sailing--then there's a problem. And, watching Bump's transom in front of me is a bright spot during the racing...and that I don't freakin' care if I get an Annapolis NOOD red hat....you see what I mean. So, when I arrived yesterday to climb aboard my regular ride, I was just so happy to see everyone. These are the folks that I want to be with--a little yelling sometimes doesn't bother me because I know that they appreciate my contribution--and I do have one. And also, if I have to ride the rail sometimes, I don't mind because I know that when the down wind leg arrives, I'll be on--that's when I'm busy & I want to do it well. I look forward to the challenges & I can't hide my smile because it is just an easy fit--just like finding the right guy. Yeah, we don't always see eye-to-eye, but we have fun--and that's what it's all about. And beating the boat I was on on Sunday doesn't hurt either.

Bump....Comes To Annapolis

2011-04-28T18:47:00.000-04:00

What a wild ride last night! It was the opening race for the Wednesday Night Series in Annapolis & the winds were pretty intense--gonna say at least 25 knots sustained, 35 knot gusts, with threats of thunderstorms & a tornado watch. Call me crazy--hells yeah--with about 60 other boats! Actually, that was what was so jaw-dropping to me. I had never been out for a Wednesday in Annapolis--only White Rocks with my grandfather & the West River. The West River has a lot of boats but holy crap, Batman! Annapolis was insane! Just getting ready for the first race & getting the watch set with the guns from the RC, I had an opportunity as did the rest of the crew to really take it all in--I think most of us hadn't realized how many folk were out there along with t2p.tv & Spinsheet taking pics & video--it is a big-ass deal. And here we were, up from Pirate's Cove, competing with the rest of the J-30 fleet--adrenaline rush!

We worked our asses off & didn't even fly the kite. At one point we dumped the main & were only using the number 3 jib & we still were able to clock 7 knots on the tacktik...crazy! And we didn't finish last--WOOHOO! I gotta say, it was a rush! And, as we were rounding a mark, up comes a J-105 who attempted to squeeze us out--my skipper is yelling at the other skipper to hold his course--at first I thought he was ignoring us, & then she got a bit more insistent--we all had to laugh--"Bump... comes to Annapolis!" Welcome! And fireworks too (a huge lightening storm overhead as we crossed the finish)! Great to be with my crew & back on my boat--I will miss them at NOODs, sailing instead on another J30--competition. But, as always, looking forward to the rest of the season, flying out of Annapolis.

Check out t2p.tv http://www.t2p.tv/index.php They usually broadcast the Wednesday Night Races & there may be a glimpse of us there or on Spin Sheet http://www.spinsheet.com/ I am posting a picture taken by Spin Sheet last year during the Miles River Race. Very light air--NOT like last night.

Green Sea

2011-04-26T16:34:00.000-04:00

Green Sea--Milton Avery, 1958

OK, I admit it--it's April & I'm already in sailing mode. Big weekend coming up with NOOD--for those out there (few to be sure but who don't know: NOOD is not nude sailing(although I know a few who do)--it stands for: National Off-shore One-design Regatta). Annapolis ain't off-shore but the regatta sort of marks the opening of the racing season--Wednesday night series notwithstanding. There are 3 main regattas--last weekend in April--NOOD, Screwpile in mid-July, & Annapolis Race Week during Labor Day weekend. Of course throw in the North Americans, or mid-Atlantics, or Miles, or, or...but these stick out. Last year didn't get to do NOOD, nor the year before. This year is different--

But I'm not writing only about sailing (although it is hard not to), I'm writing about how this time of year always makes me so happy--not just because the weather is better, or school's almost out...it has everything to do with my hobby & the fact that I share it with Xing Fu--this time of year brings us back to center--I think we are both happier. It is like coming home. My late grandfather (George Fisher) whose birthday was April 18th, would understand. I've spoken about him in the past--sailor extraordinaire--self-taught & unapologetically obsessed. I think he'd approve--and I know he'd be so happy to know that his granddaughter is about as sailing-obsessed as he was. Dare I say it? More so....

But it also has to do with water--the beach, waves--all of it--coming home. Mebbe it has to do with being a water sign--Cancer, but I always reach a sense of inner-calm when I'm on, near, or in water. Been reading a book recently entitled The Summer of Skinny Dipping by Amanda Howells & the main character seems to have similar feelings about being near water be it ocean or bay. Howells writes beautifully about the ocean; about water--she captures the imagery beautifully. (Even if this is a teen book--I admit it--I'm enjoying the revisit to awkwardness just a little bit.)

"And with the wide gray skies and the metallic water all around me, I felt myself disappearing into the immediate present, into the wind and the bay, the flapping of the sails, and the voices of my uncle and my father. ....breathe deeply, and unwind like the sails unfurling from the masthead."

Tomorrow I'm back out there....

Make Me Smile

2011-04-24T21:30:00.001-04:00

Children play in the park, they don't know
I'm alone in the dark, even though
Time and time again I see your face smiling inside

I'm so happy
That you love me
Life is lovely
When you're near me
Tell me you will stay
Make me smile

Living life is just a game so they say
All the games we used to play fade away
We may now enjoy the dreams we shared so long ago

Oh, my darling, got to have you
Feel the magic when I hold you
Cry sweet tears of joy, touch the sky

Now I need you more than ever
No more crying...we're together
Tell me you will stay
Make me smile

--Chicago

We will be seeing Chicago in August--I hope that they play this song.

It's On!

2011-04-20T09:50:00.000-04:00

So much has gone on recently in so many facets of my life. Of course, my brain has been hooked into sailing--Wednesday night series down on the West River starts tonight--I will be on a non-spin boat this week & next I'll be up in Annapolis on my regular ride for the AYC Wednesday series. My brain has been so hooked by sailing that when I was at Bed, Bath, & Beyond with BFF(A), I bought sailboat sheets-printed with charts & sailboats--Xing Fu said something about "charting those waters" & then turned bright red last Saturday night at BFF(J)'s house. Cracked all of us up. But seriously, I can hear my son saying to me when he comes home Thursday from Florida & seeing the sheets, "Obessed much, mom?" Guilty as charged.

Also, spending more time with Xing Fu's children. It was a weird feeling to drop my own child off at the airport (first time traveling alone--I stood at security until he got through--at least his gate was D1, closest to security) & then take on three others. It was an intense weekend but not in a bad way. I've been reading a few books lately, one called Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin has been pretty interesting. Not sure that I agree with everything that I'm reading (only a third through it) & I'm not a stepmother in the true sense of the word, but I am the woman in their father's life & that has an entire raft of potential pitfalls, etc. I think we are going about it all in a very good way so far--carefully, talking about all of the possible outcomes as best we can & he tells me that his kids like me--very good, so perhaps one of the most difficult situations in family-life will work out for us.

Another part of all this has been that all of our kids are away this week & we've been spending a lot more time together--it's been good--in some ways better than when we were last at the beach--for whatever reason, we have covered a lot of ground & looked at some of our sticking points--it has made us closer.

And I have the week off--WOOHOO!

Beautiful World

2011-04-14T22:12:00.000-04:00

Bad blood, I could crawl right out my mind
It's a long day, long day when the sun won't shine
But it feels like, fussing and fighting is all we do
Lord knows I can't get enough of you
Bad blood, I could crawl right out of my mind
Ah girl, it's a new day now we can make it shine

Listen to the birds sing their song
Listen to my heart beating strong
I just want to feel like I do when I'm with you
It's a beautiful world

The darkness, it ain't so deep
So I reach and I reach and I reach, Higher
set me free
Ah girl, it's a new day now we can make it shine

Listen to the birds sing their song
Listen to my heart beating strong
I just want to feel like I do when I'm with you
It's a beautiful world

--JJ Grey & Mofro

Xing Fu & I saw this band last night at the Recher in Towson. Meaningful because the last time we were at the Recher we saw TR3, well over a year ago. In other words, at that time he was my Music Buddy--platonic through & through--how things have changed...

Sailing Lightbulbs and Other Stories

2011-04-11T16:10:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was full of so many different experiences--it is hard to believe that I managed to cram it all in. Of course, the bestest was being back out on the water with my boat--we were out practicing for the first time this season & as I've said so many times before, it was like coming home. I was HUGELY nervous going into this Saturday because it had been 6 months since I sailed & that long since I flew the kite. In fact, I was having very vivid dreams up until Saturday that I would fuck up royally. I'm sure these feelings were spurred on by the fact that during one of the last major races of the season, my performance was less than optimal & I injured myself pretty badly (blood all over the deck). I had hit a mental & physical wall during that race & it was creating high anxiety now. But, as things go out on the bay, we had no wind for a good portion of the day so it gave me a chance to ease back into that mode--shake off the cobwebs & focus on what I needed to do--if we ever launched the chute. Even if we never got airborne, it was just great to be on the water with some of the folks I've grown to enjoy being with--both on & off the water--but we did get wind later on--predicted to fill in about 1 PM & sure enough, (Seamus was right, you ole' dog!) I flew. And for once I figured out what worked--as our coach said--he watches for those lightbulb moments & there mine was! What an AMAZING feeling! And for me flying the kite is one of the greatest feelings--watching it fill to capacity when you first launch--there's just no feeling to describe it--

Part Two is all about the inevitable moving forward of blending our families. Xing Fu asked his youngest if it would be alright if I went with him to a game. His youngest said that was fine & so, of course, I met the ex as well. Nothing too notable--everyone was polite & solicitous. At one point his youngest was talking to a friend & they turned to stare at us--I was on display. That was definitely a weird feeling--both for the ex & for the friends....hadn't really experienced that before but I think all went well--another hurdle passed & onward to the next.

We also managed to get a bit of geocaching in at Cylburn Arboretum--this time my son went with us. Another fun afternoon spent traipsing around the woods--& even though we couldn't find one of them, it was a great bonding experience for the three of us--blending on my side this time.

I'd have to say, this was one of the good ones--

Anticipation

2011-04-05T20:59:00.000-04:00

It's coming! Most of you out there probably know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. And those who don't...mid-April starts one of my biggest loves (besides Xing Fu)..sailing! I admit it--obsessed...guilty as charged. Right about now my brain is pretty-much only thinking sailing. It has been a looooooong winter & thankfully this coming Saturday I will be out on the water--practicing & getting ready for our first regattas at the end of the month. Last Saturday I helped clean & get the boat ready for its exodus from being on the hard & back where it belongs--and where I belong---on the water. It is really like coming home--there is always a part missing when we put the boat away for the season & I'm no longer out there. The longing--interminable. But the wait is over--just being back down in Annapolis with the rest of the crew last weekend was so great. Time to get out the foulies, check that my gloves & hat are in my sailing bag, & Keens are somewhere nearby. Prolly need to pick up some warmer shoes for the spring though--Saturday looks to be only around 58 degrees....still, TIME TO SAIL!! WOOHOO!!

GOTCHA!!!

2011-04-02T07:40:00.001-04:00

Husband, Please!

2011-04-01T15:12:00.001-04:00

Life certainly has a way of throwing curve balls (for those of you celebrating Opening Day)! It has been a very interesting few days. I think I will need to rename my blog now because an elopement has occurred & I can no longer say "Baltimore single mom's forays into dating" now, can I? Yep, Xing Fu will now be referred to DH...boy this guy's name has gone through a lot of incarnations(Music Buddy, Xing Fu, DH). Surprise!! Could I possibly say no?

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." - Zora Neale Hurston

When The Stars Go Blue

2011-03-30T15:59:00.000-04:00

where do you go when you're lonely?
where do you go when you're blue?
where do you go when you're lonely?
i'll follow you
when the stars go blue

laughing with your pretty mouth
laughing with your broken eyes
laughing with your lover's tongue
in a lullabye

where do you go when you're lonely?
where do you go when you're blue?
where do you go when you're lonely?
i'll follow you
when the stars go blue.

by Ryan Adams

Treasures & Challenges or Reality Crashes the Party

2011-03-29T21:05:00.001-04:00

Escaping the confines of the city was a very good thing--and the best thing was that Xing Fu recognized it as well. He thanked me for nurturing our relationship. Geocaching figured prominently & it was fun to add another activity that we enjoy together. In fact, we found a geocoin--pretty cool--we need to find the right cache to place it in around here. We've included some of our kids & they seem to enjoy it as well--a family activity in the making--bonus! It will be fun to include them in putting the geocoin in the cache. We came back rested, & reconnected which is what I wanted.

Of course the next big hill to climb is right in front--dealing with a very anxious BF is challenging especially when his immediate reaction is to shut me out & not admit how difficult the next hurdle is for him. Patience is key & I am trying to remind him that I'm in his corner. The last lyrics post is for him--when I listen to the song (youtube embedded at the bottom of the blog) I think of what's going on with him right now. I hope he recognizes that I am there for him & that it is not a weakness to lean on me when he has so much on his plate. When I worked for a company a while back, I used to get so caught up in being the best teacher & behavior manager that I really lost sight of the beauty of teaching & my sense of humor in general. I essentially took myself waaaay too seriously. What I said to Xing Fu was that sometimes not taking yourself so seriously is important. Being wound too tightly as a result can make life difficult needlessly--loosen up & sit back for a second & take a breath. Remind yourself about the joys & humor in life. Following my own advice is hard but I try, I try.

Lost In My Mind

2011-03-28T19:35:00.000-04:00

Put your dreams away for now
I won’t see you for some time
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind

Momma once told me
You’re already home where you feel love
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind

Oh my brother
Your wisdom is all that I need
Oh my brother
Don’t you worry ‘bout me
Don’t you worry
Don’t you worry
Don’t worry about me

How’s that bricklayin’ coming
How’s your engine running
Is that bridge getting built
Are your hands getting filled

Won’t you tell me my brother
Cause there are stars up above
We can start moving forward

from The Head & the Heart

We saw this band when they opened for Dr. Dog. They were very good & have since seen a lot more airplay especially on WTMD. I highly recommend.

Getting Away

2011-03-25T17:18:00.000-04:00

Cape Henlopen State Park

Getting ready to disappear for the weekend. Going to the beach is a great way just to get away & recharge without taking a huge amount of time. I think I need to do this about every 6 months or so--no pressures, no concerns, do what we like or do nothing (hard for the likes of the two of us). My son will be with his aunt, grandfather & father in Bethesda so this is a good weekend for Xing Fu & I to get away before the sailing season ramps up & we're consumed by regattas. I also think that it gives our relationship a little shot in the arm. We get so caught up in the everyday of our lives & enjoying our relationship sometimes takes a back seat. I always feel reconnected when we get home & closer to Xing Fu. He doesn't necessarily feel the need--guess he's humoring me but I think he knows that I need it so he does treat it with care.

So perhaps some geocaching at Henlopen State Park, a walk to the beach, & maybe nothing more. For me the beach is a way for me to clear my brain. It calls to me...the ocean feels like home even in the dead of winter or early spring. And I can share that with Xing Fu. Just us. I can't wait.

Whir, Whir, Blend

2011-03-21T19:58:00.000-04:00

Families are a fragile thing. As we continue to "normalize" the two families I feel like a quiet acceptance has arisen from all of the children--it's not a bad one like a sigh of resignation. More like an, "OK, so this is what this blended family thing can be & it's ain't so bad." All of us are participating in the March Madness bracket pool--so far Xing Fu & I are tied--damn Syracuse for losing to Marquette--I would've been in the lead!

However, the best feeling came when Xing Fu told me that his youngest wanted him to call me to see what I was up to on Saturday evening & invite me over---words cannot begin to describe how that makes me feel. It has been a tough year for his kids in particular & to begin to feel a part of their normal weekend is huge. I remember describing how I felt like I was the man behind the curtain like in The Wizard of Oz. I am glad that I no longer feel that way & I hope his kids are becoming much more comfortable with my presence as well as my son's. My son joined me on Saturday over at Xing Fu's for dinner. Last night I had everyone over for Navarin d'agneau (Spring Lamb Stew). His kids said that eating at my house was an adventure because they will always have something they've never eaten before--their horizons are being expanded. I like that they see that--that I'm contributing to their lives in some way that they hadn't had before. I also enjoyed watching the interaction between Xing Fu & his kids--they crack me up--Dad is so NOT cool! Funny....

Free and Reduced Meals

2011-03-18T21:17:00.000-04:00

Apparently lunch was on me on Thursday. Went with my co-workers to lunch at Chipotle & as usual I slung my purse on the back of my chair. And as my head was deep in it, I left it there. Stoopid, stoopid me--my first mistake. We had just pulled into the parking lot of our school when I discovered the very important missing item. I quickly called the restaurant, but I guess there was a language barrier or something as I was left on hold for so long that we arrived back to Chipotle's before anyone ever picked up--actually I ran inside & there the person was holding the phone as if there was nothing at all wrong...No one helped me--they all stood there looking at me as if I'd sprouted 10 heads. I was very appalled by the lack of response. So I ran back out to where we'd eaten & asked two ladies who'd been sitting there when we'd left if they saw anything. Nope, Nada. By this time I was in a huge panic because we'd noticed a homeless man hanging out in front of the restaurant when we'd left the first time & he was no longer there. I ran back inside & started asking patrons if they'd turned in a purse. As I was looking around wildly, I noticed a professionally-dressed woman walking from the direction of the restroom & lo & behold she was holding my purse! Perfect!! I called out, "Thank you! Thank you! You found my purse." She said she just saw it sitting & didn't want to pick it up at first because she didn't want anyone to think she'd stolen it. For a split second I thought about offering her a little reward for retrieving it but decided against it because I wouldn't have expected it if I'd found a purse & I didn't want to embarrass her. That was mistake number two. If I had bothered to open the purse there & then I'd have seen that my wallet was laying open & all my cash was gone. All $85 including my little secret $20 stash. Instead, I trusted that people are good & blithely bounced back to the car where my co-worker was waiting for me. It was there where I discovered my violation. Thankfully, thankfully she did not take my license, credit cards, or social security card. So I guess lunch really was on me...and the brand new silk blouse she picked up at Nordstrom's Rack.

Book Club

2011-03-15T23:27:00.002-04:00

As I am often waiting for my kid at certain times: guitar lesson, math tutoring, soccer games, etc., I have been reading books. I am a vociferous reader but don't always have large blocks of time anymore to enjoy a good book. So those little snippets of time have been nice & now, as the weather gets warmer, & the sunlight is longer, it will be especially wonderful to get outside & read. But this really isn't a post about my enjoying a good book, it's really about how these books have called to me recently in some of the passages--how they are so appropriate in parallel to parts of my own life. Right now I am reading a book entitled Between Here and April by Deborah Copaken Kogan. I was struck by the following truth found in this passage:

"Marriage is the one institution I know that doesn't require preparation for matriculation. There are no essays asking us to predict the number of children we will have, if any, and who will take them to the hospital if they bleed. There are no multiple-choice tests forcing us to envisage how our financial partnership might look, or late-night field trips to love's inner sanctums (which from syntax alone--master bedroom--reveals a lot) to witness sexual politics in action. There are no textbooks offering tips on what to do when the baby is sick, the sitter's on vacation, and both spouses are on deadline; no four-page syllabi containing his-and-her primary source material.

In fact, the only primary source material we're given comes from the most unreliable of sources possible: our own parents. No wonder half of us flunk out."

On first glance I guess it looks a bit depressing, but I think it just points out that keeping a relationship positive & moving in the right direction takes work. That we need to be aware of the pitfalls & try to remember why we fell in love in the first place. And the fervent wish that there was a manual to make it work. And perhaps the recognition that it can work & be wonderful--even if it takes another attempt, or two, or three... *I always add the caveat that it needn't be a marriage--any LTR or relationship for that matter counts here.

Anyway, the book has far more to it than the main character's marriage--there's a bit of a murder mystery as well & an exploration of postpartum depression & pms before such things existed--women's health issues. It is a good book thus far.

http://www.amazon.com/Between-April-Deborah-Copaken-Kogan/dp/1565125622

"Life's full of irony, bubelah. Haven't you learned that by now?"

Chicken Soup for My Soul

2011-03-14T13:09:00.000-04:00

I spent the entire weekend sick in bed with a nasty stomach bug. Seems that I inherited it from my kid but mine is far worse than his was. Certainly not one of my greatest moments--I think I spent most of Saturday pretty much unconscious & a good portion of Sunday unable to do much more. I hate when weekends are wasted; especially weekends that are the ones Xing Fu & I spend together--he spent the weekend caring for me & by extension my son. I guess that can be considered a true test of a relationship--seeing someone in their not so attractive state. And getting up with them at 2AM to hold their hair & the garbage can. I think at one point I asked him why he was here--he could be off doing a million other things but he said that he needed to be there for me & that I'd do the same for him (which is very true). That was very nice to hear because I really couldn't do much more than lie in bed & moan. At least there was a lot of basketball this weekend--so I didn't feel entirely guilty since there were at least 3 games that kept Xing Fu close by my HD TV. Plus the NCAA selection for March Madness last night.

But ultimately what was so wonderful was that he was there for me--pushed liquids, brought me ice which has been about the only thing I've been able to keep down, brushed my hair back to see if I was running a fever, brought me flowers & helped me take care of my kid (making dinner on both Saturday & Sunday evenings). And I still beat him at Scrabble!!

I remember writing in the past about being sick & miserable, contemplating my navel--but what I didn't ever talk about was the alone part--of no one checking in on me. It was comforting not to be alone & knowing that there was someone watching over me when I was probably not at my best & certainly not at my most romantic. And to top it all off--I haven't been the nicest recently--he's been working a lot of extra hours & that's been hard for me to deal with--so the fact that he has stuck by me when I haven't been such a great & understanding GF is a big deal--one that won't get lost on me. I will do better. Maybe I am contemplating my navel after all--can't seem to get past being sick without spending some time poking around down there....

On-line Dating Trials & Tribulations

2011-03-11T20:26:00.000-05:00

Someone asked me recently (I think it was Xing Fu--probably was..), if I remembered all of my 50 first dates. I thought about a little bit--and I think I remember most of them--I have a certain fondness for them all...a slight nostalgia if you will. Do I miss it? Mebbe a teensy, tinesy, little bit. But so little that I hardly miss it. It was a hugely interesting time in my life--not always all that fun, mind you, but most definitely, interesting. In fact, a guy I think I went out with way, way, back circa 2006 or 2007, tried to friend me on Facebook recently. Ewww. Most of the dudes were nice--I think out of all of the dates I've been on there were only a few total bombs. Not a bad track record. And most of those dates were from on-line dating sites.

I remember way back when in my college days reading the ISO adds & how anyone who did the on-line dating thing was desperate. How that perspective has shifted. I think I never would have met the breadth of guys that I did if not for the computer--never would have happened prior to the popularity of the online sites--I think I hit it at the right time--seemed to start to be a very acceptable vehicle to meet guys around the time of my divorce--2005. Quite sure I wouldn't have gone out as much either. So that certainly is one positive for the online thing--perhaps the distance has skewed my perspective...

Anyway, I was inspired to write this post because I was reading a Facebook friend's own online trials via her wall posts & she posted this afternoon "Call me old school, but when a guy is trying to date me, I still like to talk on phone before a first date, not just texting! WTF LOL" I think a phone conversation can be a good thing--gives an opportunity to see what you're getting into so to speak, but I got to the point that if all the dude did was talk or text & never actually asked me out, then that was a supreme waste of my time. So cutting back on the phone or texting chatter made a lot of sense to me--just cut to the chase, dammit!! I got to the point where I would say in an online correspondence, "Not much into chatting on the phone, more interested in meeting face-to-face & seeing if there's a connection." Most guys appreciated that--if you ain't a good fit, better to find out real quick then to have planned your entire life together out via texts & emails & phone convos--that happened to me a few times--eventually I got smart about it. Cus once you met & there was no connection, well, what are you left with? Hours & hours of wasted time--being in my 40's --not interested in wasting that kind of time. I wanna get to the good stuff! Unfortunately for my online life there wasn't much beyond the first meeting. Ah well.

But I still insist that online is a great way to meet folk. I certainly had those highs (Amsterdam) & lows (car break-down after Cirque de Soleil). But in my case it was really "old school"--actually away from my puter--that was ultimately successful for me. Xing Fu once said that this online dating thing was kinda scary--this was after I sent him the email from a dude on Match.com who let me know how much he liked my earrings. Yeah, scary but also other-worldly. I look back on it now & it's surreal.

Time Isn't Kind or Unkind

2011-03-07T10:57:00.001-05:00

Time isn't kind or unkind, you liked to say.
But I wonder to who and
what it is you're saying today.

Mary Anne, do you remember
the tree by the river
when we were seventeen?

Dark canyon road, I was coy in the half-moon;
happy just to be with you,
and you were happy for me.

Tree By The River-By Iron & Wine

At home with my sick boy today & have been thinking about this song a lot recently. The imagery catches me most of all--I love Iron & Wine--have for a while & I especially love the cover of Such Great Heights which I've written about on this blog quite a few times. I am especially taken by the the line, "Time isn't kind or or unkind." I think that is especially true. People like to say that "time heals all wounds," to use a well-worn phrase, but does it? For me, time sometimes is unkind. If I'm in the middle of a conflict, and it can't be resolved right away, or if there's something that I need to talk to someone about that's serious & I can't speak to them until much, much later, well time is my enemy. I tend to sit & overthink whatever is going on & that is. not. good. System overload. But the flip-side to that is that time is kind--& yes, that hackneyed phrase works--kids learn to deal with their parents' divorces & accept change, for example--that takes time. Time isn't kind or unkind--it is both.

But the entire song paints a beautiful picture of young love & looking back on it years down the road & possibly after many other relationships as well. I know I wonder about my first true love & what he's like & doing today. Not enough to actively find out--but I'm curious to know what kind of person he is now from when we were 17.

Yup, feeling a bit nostalgic today--whatcha' gonna do but embrace it.

deep down true

2011-03-06T09:39:00.002-05:00

"I did good," Morgan said, "up till the vows. Up till the 'death do us part' part. And I thought, 'He said this same thing to Mom, and he didn't mean it. How come anyone believes him now?'"

"He did mean it."

"Yeah, right," she snorted. "And look where that got us."

"Morgan, I'm not going to start defending your father," Dana said quietly. "But I was there 15 years ago when he said it the first time, and I know he meant it. He had every intention, and so did I. But sometimes the best of intentions just don't work out. A lot of times they do, but sometimes they don't."

From deep down true by Juliette Fay

Just finished reading this book & I was quite taken by the above excerpt. It made me think about when my own folks got divorced. One minute we were this intact family & the next minute, that was blown to bits. It was pretty tough especially when both my parents were with different people & not each other--children have a hard time with having to give up the idea that their parents won't be "happily ever after." So when I read this--I was transported back to the day when my dad got remarried & how hard that was for me. I'm on the other side of that now & I guess I'd kinda forgotten what that was like. And even though my kid has had a few years to adjust to the idea of mom & dad not together (and thankfully he wasn't at my ex's wedding), I know that it was hard for him to accept someone not his mom at times & not his dad with me. So why am I talking about all of this? Well, recently I've been writing about how Xing Fu & I are blending our families together more & more and how well it's been going. And it has. I spent Friday evening with him & his kids (my own kid was at his best friend's house) and we had a very nice evening.

But I guess my message here is to our kids: I know what it's like to all of a sudden see your parents kiss another person who is not your mom or dad, even if you rarely or ever saw your parents kiss in the first place (extreme unhappiness in a marriage tends to kill those things & kids don't necessarily see the whole picture). I remember thinking similar thoughts about my dad like the excerpt above. And the mom's response from the story above is very true--sometimes it is happily ever after & when moms & dads say it the first time they really do mean it. I know I had the best of intentions when my ex & I first said "I do." I fought to hold on to our marriage tooth & nail because I didn't want to end up like my parents--but I couldn't anymore & still be me--I hated who I was in my marriage & I knew that I couldn't be in it anymore. I think if you asked my son if he wishes his mom & dad were back together his initial response would be yes, because everyone wants their parents together. But very quickly after he thought a minute he'd probably say "No Way!" And then proceed to tell how much easier it is to live with one very happy parent then two who appear to hate each other & never spoke a positive or happy word to each other in his presence anyway--what kind of modeling for positive adult relationships is that? Now what he sees are two adults who obviously care very deeply for & are very happy with one another--and that's the kind of relationship I want him to model when he gets married. So yeah, I do have some regret & now it's very fleeting, but I think that the choice I made was definitely for the best, even if at first it is harder on the kids. Deep down true.*

*Here's a link if you want to buy the book--I highly recommend it:
http://www.amazon.com/Deep-Down-True-Juliette-Fay/dp/014311851X

9 Words Women Use

2011-03-03T16:19:00.001-05:00

Xing Fu sent this to me yesterday--I wonder if it was in response to the little argument we had on Sunday....all I know is that after reading it I had to laugh--and forward it to others because....IT IS SO TRUE! Also, I recognized a few from our little tiff--pretty sure I said, fine, whatever, followed by a loud sigh. Xing Fu also informed me that he was going to shrink it to wallet size & make copies for himself & my son....So here goes....opinions are always welcomed.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever')

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Music Madness

2011-02-28T16:01:00.000-05:00

Big music weekend. What was cool was that the music we saw was from opposite ends of the spectrum.

Friday night:

"Put it in the Dumpsta!"

All of the friends (BFF(A) & husband, BFF(J) & husband, myself & Xing Fu), went down to the 8X10 to listen to a New Orleans Funk band with a bunch of the Neville Brothers playing: Dumpstaphunk. We also caught the tail-end of another great band from L.A. called Orgone. Great horns. We enjoyed the groove, danced a bunch, and then remembered that it was almost the beginning of Mardi Gras--(March 8th is Fat Tuesday)--even better. It was a great time with the besties, even if we had to hike to BFF(J)'s hubby's car about 3 miles away...& me without my jacket.

Saturday Night:

We went to see a "semi-staged" production of The Magic Flute at the BSO. Xing Fu had never been to the opera & I thought that this might be a good intro as he loves Mozart (as do I) and that it was a bit condensed (narrator for the in-between bits) as opposed to the entire performance. The leads wore costumes & it was actually quite humorous as they interacted with the narrator & at one point Papageno flirted with the conductor. The Queen of the Night's second aria was just amazing--the skill needed for that particular piece-- After it was over, Xing Fu accused me of taking him to a chick flick---hardly--women are considered secondary supports & evil (Queen of the Night)--hardly a chick flick theme...ah well. Regardless of his erroneous conclusions, we had a good time & met one of his friends from work afterward for dessert--finally had the flan & creme brulee we've been after.

I think Xing Fu said it best in the following email I received this morning: "Good friends, good music, good food, good times together." Yup--my response was that we've enjoyed many such weekends & will have many more.