Clay Feet

Who would've thunk it? I may be breaking free from the bull's hold over me.

This weekend was very busy--of course. My sister was in & I couldn't have been happier. I miss her like crazy & she actually can get through my blockheadedness like no one else.

Friday: Made reservations at a very nice restaurant near Fort McHenry for my sis, her husband , the bull & myself. Wanted her to have an opportunity to meet him--wanted her impressions, etc.

Earlier in the day, I had gone wine-tasting with one bff & my sis. The bull calls & says he's on 695--an hour early! For him this is massive because he is ALWAYS late! So now I'm in panic mode but at least my sis & my bff (who's been dying to give him a piece of her mind for over a month now) had unprecedented access to the bull. My bff totally launched into him--embarrassed the shit out of me but I think he got her point. LOVE YOU--BFF (1) We have a few hours before we meet my sis for dinner & I learn some not so nice things about the bull--or at least I realize things about him I wasn't ready to see earlier. I have begun my journey to epiphany or as my sis would say--"I'm having a come to Jesus" moment.

Dinner was great--not cheap & he pays our half without complaint--gotta give him credit for that. My sis gets to question him for about three minutes & he insists that he won't hurt me & that I can take care of myself, blah, blah, blah. Later on my sister & I talk about this of course & as I said, she really helps me continue to get the REAL situation & not my rosy hazed filters furthering my ability to come up for air at last.....

The rest is, well--my time to see that I deserve better & that I want better. I like the bull a lot--he has his moments but I think that maybe my very skewed perception of him has changed & now I can control the situation with him instead of it controlling me. And even more I think that the new men I see won't have to be measured up against the bull anymore--I can see them for themselves & not through a filter. I can only hope & now here it is in cyber-print so the words stand....

When You Least Expect It...

Expect It. So here I am, minding my own business at work & making various phone calls to finish up the early week. I have to call this one guy who works in the truancy office of my school system--we've been dealing with a kid who is six & has never been in school. Up to this point he & I have primarily talked about how to deal with this problem but have also talked about our own social-political viewpoints which seem quite aligned. I called to tell him that we were able to complete the testing & that the parent had brought the child to the school & it appeared as though we'd be able to have a meeting to find the appropriate placement for this child so he could get the special education services he so desperately needed.

After talking about that, we somehow got on the subject of how I needed to teach taekwondo class to the kids at my school in our afterschool program but how I really wanted to get home to see my sister. He asked me what belt I was & that he also practiced various martial arts too. Our convo intensified & we began to talk about our current situations: Me: single mom, unattached (hush up! No mentions of the bull here!) Him: single dad, unattached--break-up 4 months ago from girlfriend. Hmmmm...I see a pattern here. We have a lot in common, including musical tastes--which for me is quite important. I know he's in good shape because he says he bikes to work so he can't be too much of a couch potato. You all know where this is leading of course. So we have a lunch date for next week. I've never seen him & he's never seen me, but why not? In a school system full of women, one needs to take opportunities where one can.

It also looks as though the guy from Harford County wants to see me again too--so next weekend is already quite full: the bull on Friday, Harford Guy Saturday, if the guy from the truancy office works out, Sunday will be the day for us....why was I so concerned? Oh, haven't mentioned the online guy from Pennsylvania either. Looks like that's shaping up too. Mebbe I will have a date for New Year's after all.

Kissing Frogs

I have resigned myself to the simple fact that my mother is always right. I must kiss frogs...but where is my prince charming? I've been hanging out on the dating websites without too much success--the guys recently have loved to email but getting to the meeting part of things just hasn't worked until this week. I'd been chatting with this guy online & it looked very promising--in fact I hadn't been so charged about a new guy since originally chatting with the bull. He lives in Harford County. That could've been held against him (sorry anyone from up there--I lived up there for 4 years & it was way too conservative for me), but he seemed kinda quirky so I thought let's see where this may go. He wasn't bad looking either so that certainly helped. We planned to go down to D.C. (HaHa) to listen to music--The Oranges Band (From Baltimore)--they are great by the way so check 'em out! They were playing at a super little club call the Red & the Black on H. So the trusting soul that I am--I agreed to let him pick me up at the homestead..yes I KNOW it's risky but I've never had a problem yet--& with a blackbelt I think I can defend myself...

The date was nice--he's a nice guy--attentive, not a bad kisser but---still a frog. No attraction again--at least he smelled fine--mebbe too much cologne--bleh, but no clash of the pheromones. My mom said to give him another chance as he may grow on me. I said that the bull has ruined it for anyone else right now...but of course I'll give him another go...I need to because as a result of my escapades with the bull on Friday night/morning, I was so tired coming home that I crashed on the drive. I totally burned the candle from both ends. But he was a very good sport about it so I do owe him another date--one in which I actually stay awake to kiss the guy.

The Devil in His Back Pocket

Samantha: “Easy! Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing!”
--Sex and The City



That's what I've determined I must be. I've thought about this for a few days after not hearing from the bull & I've come to the conclusion that I must represent the naughty & a bit of the wild child which is appealing to him. I'm the devil who is willing to push the envelope, walk on the wild side, etc. (You pick the appropriate description & activity--go ahead--let your mind insert any number of crazy & titillating ideas) & create that excitement. Of course he calls today--never let it be said that he lets too many days go by without checking in. He stretches it just long enough so that I begin to question everything & why I keep sticking around. Bleh....I'm just trying to enjoy things where they are & not think too much....God help me!

So fun divorce stuff rears its nastiness & I had to attend a "Special Challenges Parenting Workshop" this evening. My ex (AKA: Fnord--look up the word--it is quite fitting) wants my son to visit him in another state. On the surface there is nothing wrong with that except Fnord is a bum--no job, "disabled", & keeps popping out babies with his new wife. All the while living in an apartment belonging to his mother-in-law who lives there too, & a sexually inappropriate high functioning autistic child. Oh--did I mention that he collects SSDI? That's right, he claims he can't work & we, yes, we the taxpayers support his lazy ass! So I do not want him to go there. It's not that I don't want him to see his dad, quite the opposite. I want him not to go out there where parenting is questionable & appropriate childcare is suspect. If Fnord comes to Maryland to visit--great! If my former in-laws want to take my kid to see Fnord--no prob! Anyway, the court is doing a study of Fnord's home & the people he resides with to determine if my kid can go there. I ask: who's paying for the plane ticket? Who's gonna actually put him on the plane? Not I!! Anyway--even though the investigation is focused on the ex--I still had to attend this class. MY ex was there too--he is scary looking! He was quite attractive when we were together but now--SCARY!! Missing teeth, almost entirely gray @ 43 yo, bushy beard, pasty underside of a snail white, & very unkempt. I attempted to greet him & in fact wanted to enter into a dialogue with him about our son, but he was just plain rude. He didn't even want to know about our son's grades (which were quite good). I tried.

The only fun part of the evening was this guy who kept flirting with me. He kept looking back @ me & smiling & making faces to go with what was being said in the class. I was thinking: Why would I want to talk to a guy who had to go to this class (of course what does that say about me at the course?) He could be there because he has the problems (substance abuse, domestic violence, or mental health issues) that were being discussed. Mental Health Issues: See my ex--the Fnord. Nevertheless, I passed the time texting with the bull so all was not lost.

Friends, Lovers, Family-members--Lend me your Ears, or Eyes!

Busy weekend with family in town. My great Aunt passed away recently & was buried at Arlington National so all of her children--my cousins were here. There was a huge family dinner on Friday night & I had a guest with me: yep, the Bull/beast came to our shindig. Of course throwing a lot of my local family into a bit of confusion since we're supposed to be no longer together. They'd heard so much about him & also how we'd broken up & yet, there he was in the midst of my wacky family--and wouldn't you know, fitting in beautifully.

I can't figure all this out sometimes & I've been told that I've got to cut him loose, but somehow I can't. We just fit so well together. My dad wouldn't even say hello to him--he didn't like seeing his little girl hurt & the bull/beast has a lot of work to do to regain any acknowledgement from him. The bull/beast liked my family & as usual all this compatibility just makes me even more confused, bewildered & wishing that things were more clear between us. Friends with benes? More than that I think, Boyfriend/girlfriend--not really, but sorta....lovers--definitely, really good friends--absolutely....I told him on Saturday that he needed to get out of my skin. So anyone out there--if you have any thoughts--I'm open to suggestions.....

I'm not closing down my options, by the way, since I just don't know what the bull/beast thing is all about. I'm still pursuing online potentials, I thought I may have talked to a few potentials, but they turned out to be dead ends. A lot of guys like the idea of online, send emails etc., but just never put enough effort into actually meeting. That is very frustrating. Again, my mom likes to remind me about kissing frogs.... I seem to be doing so much of that.

I like to question the universe these days about where that soul mate is after all the false starts & frogs. I think the universe enjoys teasing me--sending me the bull/beast & having him just out of reach. I have to believe that there is the right guy out there for me...can you see I'm having a moment of weakness?

OK--enough self-doubt, etc. Off to the races!

Cyber-Stalking Part II

On to the phone stalker which I said I'd explain in more detail. The phone calls keep coming but now I'm pretty sure it has to do with some guy I talked to in Harford County just one time. So phone chickie--get a life! I'm so NOT interested in your conservative dude!!!! She keeps calling to say that this guy has a family & kids & I shouldn't be with him. Also strangely, & this is where I'm quite sure it ain't linked to the bull/beast, someone called this guy's ex-wife last week & left MY cell phone number to call to get info on her ex-husband. And wouldn't you know-she called my cell! She says to me, "Did you leave me a message?" I said, "Who are you?" And we begin to extract what the hell is going on. She had been getting strange calls in April & May about her ex. They started up again recently & someone left my number on her business phone. We chatted for about 10 minutes & decided that someone was just a bit of a whack-job & that if we continued to get calls we'd both go to the cops. I received another call last Thursday & the chickie left another message about leaving this guy alone. So now, when I actually have time, I guess I'll go to the police to start logging that both of us are being harassed. But now the name has changed. The first call I got distinctly said the bull/beast's name. Now it's a different name. After talking to the ex-wife, I was able to figure out the connection & now the phone-stalker chickie is leaving a new name--not the bull/beast's. Yeesh--too many multiple personalities! Anyway, I'm not too worried at this point because as I said earlier--he's not for me--so MP gal can have him with my blessings on their whack-job conservative asses!

Beauty & the Beast

This shouldn't be complicated but somehow it is.

I mentioned the new guy, AKA the Bear...it was a disaster for me on Friday night. He truly planned a fanstastic date--great Wine-based restaurant, great bottle of wine, & great conversation. It went completely downhill from there. I wanted to want him. I REALLY tried to get my head in the game. Try as I might there was no sexual chemistry. In fact--it sucked majorly. And this will sound funny but he didn't smell right...yes, believe it or not the pheromones just didn't work--blech! Plus, & this is the complication, my situation with the bull is still around. But even that wouldn't change the Bear situ. I will tell him that it just won't work because I really think he likes me and I don't want to drag this out unnecessarily. So goodbye to the Bear & onward to my web search.

The Bull & I: He insists that he's a beast so I guess I need to refer to him as the Beast now--like some sort of 12-step program--or so he claims & that first he has to admit there's a problem--what the problem is he fails to elaborate. Although I'm sure I have a clue. I've also found out that my stalker is not linked to him afterall..which is good in some ways & not so good in other ways. But as the weeks go by, my understanding of him has changed & I feel that our relationship has deepened significantly because I "get him" more now. Which is obvious after seeing someone for almost 5 months--duh. But it's different than that & I think we both know it. He even claims he "gets me" more than my best friends do & in some ways he's right & that makes me more vulnerable to being hurt again. But I'm working on the reality of our relationship & trying not to get so wrapped up again. He's still getting a lecture from my best friends so I told him to "gird his loins". His response was to give all of them voodoo dolls & write his name on it. I said that Christmas & Hanukkah weren't too far away...hint, hint. So on it goes.

The Stalker: Well now that is quite a different story. One for my next post as I have some more investigations to do. And no, the calls haven't stopped.

Lions & Tigers & Bears, Oh My!! (O--bulls too)

Another hackneyed phrase: When it rains, it pours...and so it goes. Online contacts seem to be stepping up the interest & meanwhile it appears that I may be very busy next weekend--already. The bear is proving to be a "does what he says" sort of guy--who makes it clear that he is in deep pursuit. It is very nice & quite flattering to have all this male attention, but it makes it quite difficult to keep it all straight. Not that I'm complaining, but I actually liked things better 3 weeks ago. But--chin up--shoulders square & embrace new possibilities...My son tells me I'm having a "sode" & need to stop acting so weird--I hope to take his advice shortly.

I think all my married friends get quite a kick out of all of this, except for my stalker situation, it has been quite the roller-coaster ride recently. One day I'm boo-hooing about the bull & the next I'm gleefully telling them about my potential new guy & how he gets it. So refreshing that he calls me regularly to talk & see how I'm doing.

As per usual, my BFF's & I were at a wine-tasting on Saturday, which is where they grill me about the latest in my saga. I eagerly tell them about the Halloween party but when things turn to "why am I going to D.C." questions, I have become quite silent. I guess I'm tired of them telling me to kick people to the curb (the bull in particular)--right now I'm seeing where things develop--nuff said--since I know they're all reading this anyway--I hope they get my point. Love you both & I know you only worry about me since I was a wreck before.....


Public Service Announcement: Everyone go vote!! See you at the polls!

Peace out!

It's Never So Simple...Is It?

Things are never as they seem. My stalker has moved to the phone & the bull claims that it has nothing to do with him--I am trying to believe it but there's a lot of shit going down & now I've been stalked again on my friend's blog...I received 2 threatening phone calls on Friday telling me to stay away from a certain person. It didn't work, by the way. I don't listen to whack-jobs. But I did tell everyone that if I received any more phone calls or another hit on the internet that I was going to go to the police. Well, with the last hit on the blog--off I will go. I don't know how you report an unknown assailant, but I have a recorded phone message & will turn over my cell to help the police get access to the "restricted" number.

The world is a weird place & one of the downfalls of online dating can be running into whack-jobs & the like. So far I've navigated the online dating thing pretty well--most of the men I've met, although not good matches for me, have been at least straightforward enough & nice. So this bit of unpleasantness will not discourage me one bit. It does make life a little more interesting...

Back to the real story: I had dinner with the bear tonight & I truly think that this will most probably go somewhere. He is very attentive, which I like, & I think may really be into me. It's nice because the bull likes to keep me around (I know, I know--why should I stay--it's complicated already!) & although I truly enjoy being with him I recognize that I need to move on to other potential men who may not have whack-jobs lingering in the fringes (I don't know for a fact that there is a link, but I have my concerns). I see a bit of a theme starting--bear & bull---HEEHEE. I am amusing myself. But the relationship with TBFVN is more involved than I originally thought...& I need to see where things are going with the bear.

Halloween Party Revelations

Everyone knows the hackneyed saying, "When God closes a door, s/he opens a window". Went to a "singles" Halloween Party last night very close to my home--I didn't think much of it--one of my single girlfriends suggested it & because of the recent situation with TBFVN, I said what the hell.

It was fairly lame until about 9:30 when in walks a bear. Yup, bear--full professional mascot kinda bear. Of course all of the females had to get a pic with the bear, myself included. After all the posturing the bear reveals himself to be a cute, "solid", tall guy. Needless to say, my radar was alerted to possible bf material--anyone with that lack of ego or with such a large ego that he can pull off that kind of costume will be someone of interest. Yes, the juxtaposition of egos is what makes this work for me. Turns out the bear seemed to zero in on me as well--pretty good for someone supposedly getting over a break-up & licking wounds. What follows is a great time with great convo--so far he seems to fit a lot of my criteria--intelligence, active lifestyle, sense of humor, employed....& NO I do not know about the sex! (At least not yet...) But there is a definite attraction.

The evening progresses & we get pretty cozy chatting until my girlfriend tells me she wants to leave--she drove--I obviously had no expectations here. He has already asked for my number so I figure mebbe he'll take me home--how can I not trust a guy in a bear suit? I ask him & he agrees & goodbye to my friend--she has a sorta boyfriend so I figured she'd go see him anyway--no harm, no foul.

Finally we decide to leave & he suggests going to an all-nite diner--one of my favs: Paper Moon--points scored for that one! All I can say is that we had a blast--and both of us obviously didn't want the night to end. We will be continuing in the future I believe. So maybe I won't have to jump through the online hoops afterall....yea! It is of course too soon to tell--but very promising.

Now to the not so nice stuff: While all this merriment is going on, the seemy underbelly of TBFVN rears its head: The cyber-stalker strikes again! This time via the phone! YIKES!! He needs to control his fucked-up females! But that is for my next post....