Messy Complexity

"To entrust another with your heart means revealing your humanity in all its messy complexity & vulnerability." --Rosemary Mahoney

We are definitely taking a huge risk here--a scary one--I touched on it briefly last post when I said that I hadn't lived with anyone but my child since '04.   It's not going to happen straight away--lots of stuff to work out but we are stepping out into the abyss.  But here I am at this point in my life & even though we have a ton more responsibility now then when we were just starting into our "adult" lives, I know this is the right move with the right person.  

Reaffirmed by a simple action tonight before Xing Fu went to bed. Last night I spent the evening with him in the ER--he has a history of having kidney stones & last night was my indoctrination into that terribly painful experience.  He's fine but still recovering a bit & that's where tonight's story picks up.   On the nights that we aren't together he usually calls me before turning in.  I look forward to it--it's like a nice warm blanket on a cold night right before I go to sleep kind of feeling.  This afternoon he called me early & said that he wasn't going to call me later.  I mentioned to him that I look forward to the calls right before bed & would he mind calling to say good night.  His reply was "we'll see."  I was a bit disappointed but knew he was tired & wanted to go to sleep early.  Around 9:45 my phone rings.  What is so wonderful about that is he wants to make me happy--I treasure that so much.  I thanked him & told him how much I appreciated that he wants to please me.  So worth the risk.

Cohabitating Frogs

OK, some of you may have noticed that I changed the wording on my header & description (or mebbe you didn't).  Well, the times they are a changin'.  I think it is probably good to indicate that I'm no longer writing about dating & all of those lovely frogs I kissed--the blog's focus has definitely shifted (sailing certainly is still in there).  I think it is fair to say that I'm writing more about the trials & tribulations of an LTR & how to successfully blend families after divorce.  Yup, that's it!  And, it ain't easy...but for the most part we seem to have navigated part one fairly well--from introductions to doing activities together to spending a week at the beach.  Yeah, there are bumps in the road, but if this were part one of the story, we've closed that chapter & now onto the next.  Which brings me to the "MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT"

Chapter Two?

If it weren't hard enough to bring our families together, Xing Fu & I are now going to push the envelope some more.  We are really planning to blend the families--no, not what you're thinking--no wedding bells.  But we are going to live together.  That's the plan & oh boy, as happy & excited as I am to move our relationship to the next level, I am rife with anxiety as well.  I realized today that I haven't lived with anyone besides my kid since I kicked my ex out in 2004.  Big changes coming for us all.  We've always said that we test the reaches of our relationship--those early relationship tests--like getting stranded in a snowstorm together all of two weeks into our dating one another.  I think we're up for the challenge.  Stay tuned!

 

Going Forward

It has been a tough couple of weeks filled with some deep disappointment--however, I know who my friends are--those who reached out to me--I may not have been so receptive to some but I will come around soon.  Keep trying, you may be surprised.  My sister was a great support--she put it out there & I'm grateful for her incredible & kind words.  Check out her blog (yeah, chip off the old block): windycitymomma.com. 

Sandaway on Tred Avon in Oxford, MD

But I had a great weekend come out of great disappointment--good karma perhaps.  Xing Fu was racing to Oxford on his regular ride & I was able to get on a boat myself--a PHRF A2 boat (not used to that fleet at all).  It was good fun & the regular crew really made me feel welcome--I flew the kite for a bit & trimmed jib.  For me, this was hugely important because I was feeling pretty low about the racing thing & extremely nervous about stepping on a new boat too.  The race went by pretty fast & the guys I sat with on the rail kept me laughing along with learning a bit more about tactics for that particular boat.  It also helped that Xing Fu recognized how anxious I was when he dropped me off at the marina for the 3 hour motor to the start & sent me a text telling me that I should have fun & that I was a good sailor.  It was the best thing he could have said--I instantly relaxed & I did have great fun.  After the race, we all sat out with about four boats rafted together enjoying Dark 'n' Stormies made by my skipper & Mango Mai Tais made by the boat rafted next to us along with a very nice spread of cheese, fruit, nuts, & crackers.  Nice ending to a nice distance race.

Xing Fu & I planned a stay at the Sandaway B&B--a beautiful room overlooking the Tred Avon River with its own screened in porch, just where the the race ended. We planned to stay there overnight & have a leisurely morning instead of racing back. Which we did--we went briefly to the party, had dinner at a cool little bistro & then got pulled over by Oxford's finest for a headlight.  He was desperately trying to make Xing Fu get a ticket for 1) going 30 in a 25 mph zone & 2) broken headlight & 3) DUI.  Xing Fu even offered to take a breathalyzer test which the cop declined but still tried to tell him that he smelled alcohol--mind you, Xing Fu had had a sip of my wine at dinner & that was all...so all he ended up giving us was a verbal warning for speeding, a repair order for my car which just seems to LOVE blowing headlights (this being the 4th since I've had the car).  The next day we watched the boats start the race back to Annapolis & then went to brunch at the Robert Morris Inn--very nice also.  It will be great to do that again next year. All in all, good came from bad & I have another wonderful weekend full of memories.

Be Gentle

One of my college friends posted this on Facebook.  It is something I need right about now so I include a link to this blog:

http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151 


It is a good post.  

Tough Going

Yeah, it's hackneyed but it still applies...

"He is the best sailor who can steer within the fewest points of the wind, and exact a motive power out of the greatest obstacles."
--Henry David Thoreau


Sometimes no matter how hard you try & how much your heart is in the right place things just don't go your way.  I say this after a very frustrating weekend on the water--we started strong & just couldn't maintain.  Which sucks because we've all worked so hard.  And it wasn't for lack of trying & having the will to make it happen.  So discouraging though. We have a very competitive fleet & a lot of these guys have been sailing their boats for way longer than us--not an excuse, just reality.  But it was heartbreaking nonetheless.  But we can do it--practice makes perfect & we WILL get there.  I appreciate the hell out of everyone I sail with & I know we will persevere!  'Nuff said.  Go Get 'em!


"My goal in sailing isn't to be brilliant or flashy in individual races, just to be consistent over the long run."
--Dennis Conner

Oozing in Gently

"You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family.  Families aren't dying.  They're merging into big conglomerates."
--Erma Bombeck

I think one of the best pieces of advice I received about being a "stepmom" (quote marks 'cuz I ain't one officially) was from my mother--a stepmother herself.  She told me that it was important to sit back & watch & not push myself on Xing Fu's kids.  For me that is extremely difficult--I want the most important people in his life to like me & accept me--so anxiety over that translates into the need for over-interest.  I've fought mightily against that trend & I think I've done pretty well with it, but I remind myself often to sit back & let the situation unfold.  So it was interesting when I came across a section in a book titled The Courage to be a Stepmom by Sue Patton Thoele where she discusses just that.  The book was given to me by a co-worker way back in March or April & has been sitting by my bed gathering dust as I've decided recently that many "stepmothering" books are evil.  More on that in a sec.

What Thoele says is that as a stepmother I should "ooze in gently" like introducing a new cat or kitten into a family. "Lovingly let 'em alone to sniff out the new house."  Stay in the background--be there to provide what is asked for & let them come to you for what they need/want--or set out a food dish & water in the case of a cat...let them set the pace (cats usually do).  Expecting an instant family just won't work--first of all, unlike having your own children, you & your _(fill-in-the-blank)____ have each other's children as steps...an "unnatural alliance of your kids & my kids."  Additionally, Thoele says that often these children are beyond the "cuteness" stage & bonding over the long term just hasn't happened.  There's just no shared past history.  In fact, I often feel VERY left out when Xing Fu & his children discuss past events that shaped them as a family--very exclusionary & difficult--yes, we are making new memories now (beach vaycay, e.g.), but those are very few as everything is so new in the grand scheme of lifetime events. All I can do is sit back & allow our connections to unfold.  We are getting there--slowly but surely.  Sometimes it is pretty hard--sometimes I have to grit my teeth, remain calm, & remind myself that I'm the adult.  And sometimes it's pretty wonderful--like when one of the kids mentions that they wished my son were with us at the beach so he could enjoy the big raft at the water park with us.  Actually, I think most of us involved really want this to work--even the kids.


     Darest thou now O soul,
Walk out with me toward the unknown region,
 Where neither ground is for the feet nor any 
      path to follow?

 --Walt Whitman


Back to the evil book thingy--all of these books except for the one I'm currently writing about just paint the most negative stepmonster pictures for our future as a blended family--I need affirmations, a shoulder to lean on, understanding, answers to why a behavior is manifesting...you know--support.  That's why I've set most of these books aside and was reluctant to open this one.  I'm glad I have cracked the binding open because at least this section of the book has been very affirming. 

The Longest Shadows

So where did the summer go?  On Friday night we celebrated the end of the Friday Night Racing at EYC.  Otherwise known as Beer Cans.  We took second place in the second series so we did get a "trophy"--etched pint glass--fitting, since it was the beer can series.  Anyway, the awards were distributed during a massive thunderstorm--a bunch of sailors stuck under a party tent in the middle of a torrential downpour--at one point I decided that standing under this questionably stable tent was not something I wanted to do--Xing Fu having already decided that being inside the EYC clubhouse was far favorable to being outside with a bunch of soggy sailors.  I ran out from under the tent & into the club, about 10 yards at best, & I was soaked through.  So much for staying dry....

But really what this post is about is that with the close of the Beer Can series so draws to an end--summer.  Sigh....it zoomed, zipped, zapped & is on its way out...the shadows are longer & the days are shorter & no longer does 8:00 PM still mean sitting on the back deck of the clubhouse for dinner watching the sun begin to set in Annapolis.  Which sucks...yeah, we have some big regattas in September, & yes I can sail in the Wednesday Night series on the West River a lot longer than the AYC series, but work starts on Monday & the kids go back to school on the 29th.  Even if my son doesn't officially start until September 7th--those private schools still understand the importance of a long summer...

And so we begin to shed our summer skins....