Say Anything

Peter Gabriel @ the Patriot Center 10-14-2012

Love I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes

Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

Read more at http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/13160/#IwPg5gZwIjEjuxDh.99

--Peter Gabriel In Your Eyes

Yeah, this song brings back huge memories from that movie right in the middle of my college years when good ole' Lloyd Dobler serenades his love Diane Court with this song with a huge boombox over his head:

 

 

 You gotta love that movie if you are of a certain age--and the quest to find that kind of love was a driving force behind many of us after we saw that movie--oh, how naive!  And of course real life comes crashing down, with marriage, kids, work, school, & for many of us DIVORCE when we realized that the men we married were no Lloyd Doblers.  But it's nice to think about how we were back then & perhaps some of us were lucky--we did meet the Lloyds of our dreams. 

 

 And now, 20 some-odd years later, when I've had a bit of life under my belt, it's interesting to look at the lyrics & realize how little they had to do with my life back then--love was so different when we were younger & to me the lyrics aside from the refrain, have nothing to do with Lloyd's love for Diane.  OK all you haters!!  Time to throw some daggers at me.  My interpretation is for mature audiences only!  This song is about a much more mature love.  It's the kind of love that you have after the kids, work, & marriage.  And, because it is such a good song, it could have just as much meaning to the Romeo & Juliet set as well, but I don't think so.  

"And you may ask yourself, 'Where does this highway lead to?'" (heh, Talking Heads--mixed metaphor)  well, I'll tell ya'.

 

Xing Fu & I saw Peter Gabriel in concert last night at the Patriot Center in Virgina for his So tour (25 years later). It was a great concert & it was great hearing the songs that helped define my college years.   Of course he played this song but when I really listened to the lyrics, I was moved in a way that I hadn't been before. Xing Fu & I often remark how hard we work at this relationship--more than we have for any other one we've been in--this song sorta tells that story & how we can get back to the Lloyd Dobler love if we want to.  Particularly the lines:

Love I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart

 

 And:

I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

Because sometimes we do get lost--and if we don't find the center together again, & work hard to reclaim our love, that is when it fails--letting days pass without communicating that things aren't as they should be.  And the second two lines could be interpreted as just working hard at a job (I don't think so) or working so hard on the relationship--which is how I look at it.  And perhaps looking to the future together & how a relationship is supposed to make the individuals in the relationship better people because of the other. Just my take on it--either way, I sent them to Xing Fu this morning & he got it--as I knew he would.  With the way things have been since we bought the house together, this song was a very good thing to hear last night.  Thanks Peter Gabriel!

Post script:

I had to put my almost 16 year old dog to sleep on Friday, one of the hardest decisions I've ever made.  Buddy was a calm, sweet dog who always had his paw to give.  He is & will be missed.  R.I.P. Buddy.

Second Generation Stepmom

I have been writing a lot recently about being a new stepmom & I’ve mentioned in the past, that I too, had a stepmom or two, actually.  I’d like to think that I have an idea about what it’s like to be a step-daughter & now I have understanding of being the step-parent as well.  But, it is so funny that being a step-anything never seems to go away—even after 20 + years!  Here’s a story about being an adult step-daughter & how relationships don’t seem to change.  

Back then:

So my dad remarried a woman only 9 years older than me when I was 12.  I’ll call her the Evil Queen or EQ (she was/is very beautiful, but oh, so COLD-hearted—like the queen in Snow White) & I’m not trying to perpetuate the myth of the wicked stepmom either—she just fit the caricature so well. She was not a very good stepmom (I really hope I’m better at it)—I’ve said that before & the trend continues—even after my dad is long gone from this earth—more on that in a bit. She was my first step-mom. My dad & she had a son (19 years my junior)--& then they got divorced.  I gotta say that after attempting to build a relationship with her & having a brother too, it makes it really hard when things go south on a second marriage.  But, then my dad married a third woman & this time, she & I seemed to have a very positive step-mom/daughter relationship.  I was an adult by then with a child of my own so maybe that had something to do with it, idk.  Let’s call her Miss S.  Then my dad died & left no will.  This is where things get icky.  My dad & Miss S were living together but EQ had a key for her then teenaged son.  She went in & took a bunch of stuff from the house—she claimed that it was for my brother’s future since he should have all of our father’s things.   OK, what are my sister & I, no longer our father’s children since the birth of the brother??  Don’t we have claim to our father’s things as well so that we have things to remember him by?  Apparently not, according to EQ.  But, Miss S called me & told me that I should come to my dad’s place immediately & take the things that I wanted before EQ came back & cleaned it all out.  Mind you, my dad lived 80 miles away & I had to take off work & hi-tail it up there.  Miss S was an angel though, because I was able to get some things that were big reminders of my life growing up with my dad, namely some furniture that actually belonged to my mom first.  What I didn’t get was an old Seth Thomas time-clock that belonged to my grandfather—my mom’s dad.  Because when EQ caught wind that I was up there gathering things, she stormed into the house & screamed at me to stop immediately—I was young, this being almost 15 years ago, & was very cowed by her threats.  

Cut to today:

My Mom will be 70 next month & she mentioned to my sister & me that the one thing that she really wanted was her dad’s factory clock back from EQ (who claims she’s saving it for our brother).  Why my brother wants an old clock is beyond me & it really doesn’t belong to either of them anyway.  So my sister called EQ to see if it were possible to have/buy the clock.  She offered a lot more than the thing is worth too.  But the response, even after almost 15 years was, “No. Your brother needs to have something to remember his father by.”  Um, my brother is an adult now!  If he wanted the DAMN clock, he would have it!!  She wants the clock—which is not hers! And he (she) has plenty of stuff (which isn’t his/hers) to remember our father by!!  So as stepmothers go—even after so many years, she still is mean & petty.   I just don’t get it—why is it so important?  We are linked forever by my father, who is long in the ground.  My mom is going to be 70 for god’s sake!  Let her have something of her beloved father’s.  He was very loved by all of us too—and deeply missed.  I guess that I expect that people will figure out that it is better to forge better bonds with one another than to continue old patterns of behavior & interaction—that is my plan for my step-daughters—continue to work hard to form a better bond with them.  Mebbe my expectations are too high.  I hope not.  Come on EQ & bro—do the right thing!  Karma’s a bitch afterall!

What I Learned

Here we are, under sail--nirvana

Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, it will astound you
I need your loving like the sunshine
And everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
--Beck 

I learned that for me sailing is my own personal nirvana & when the stepfamily situation becomes overwhelming I know that sailing will keep me sane (even if while racing things can be insane).  This past weekend taught me that not only am I obsessed (we all knew this) but also, there is probably no other place on this earth where I am as happy as when I'm sailing & if Xing Fu is with me--added bonus!  The friends I've made over the years doing this sport are priceless and I really do feel bereft as winter settles in & the season is over.  This may be my frostbite year.....or at least the Leftover Bowl Regatta the Saturday after Thanksgiving.  

I learned that as a stepmother I must have a place to call my own--someplace to heal & be me & that is out with my friends on the bay--racing, cruising, SAILING.  And my friend C says it best, "It is amazing how many things come full circle - relationships change, friends change, WE change, and you don't know it until sometimes it smacks you in the face...with a roast beef sandwich and cookies...if life is an adventure and sailing is an adventure, then the sailing life is happiness unleashed!"   

No One Is Carol Brady Except Carol Brady....And She Had Alice

I gotta say sometimes this blended family thing blows serious chunks!  OK, that being said, I remember reading some advice once about it being good to buy a new house together that way everyone can't claim territorial rights...good in theory but it doesn't take into account that in some ways, Xing Fu & I are kinda like a newly married couple, with all of the angst that comes in the first year of any marriage & subsequent moving in together issues. And yup, the added smooshing of families also adds more angst & the loss of the only house my kid has ever known, and, and, and....well, y'all get the point.  So why can't I be Carol?  The ability to smoothly glide into her step-children's lives (and Tiger's) & become the loving, cheerful, smiling stepmomma that everyone loves.  Maybe it's easier since they were both widowers & didn't have to deal with intrusive exes & confused loyalty issues. I'm sure the exes must have a bit of schadenfreude whenever there is perceived "drama"--the desire to see the house of cards come crashing down on the household & the vicarious, "I told you it wouldn't work.", while giving that little shake of the head & little half smirk of superiority...Well dammit! I ain't Carol & I really don't have Alice to smooth the rough edges. And sometimes, just sometimes I get oh, so tired of playing the part of something I'm not.  Stress fractures appear in the supposed calm mien & I need to "light out for the Territories" as Stephen King or Peter Straub might say in The Talisman. Which is exactly what I did on Sunday.  I disappeared for 6 hours--I couldn't breathe, I felt unwelcome in my own new house where there aren't supposed to be territorial issues, & I didn't want to scare anyone...so I lit out.  My son knew that I needed to get out & wasn't worried (he knows me so well) & I needed to get perspective & get away from a toxic dump.  I just needed to remind myself that "this too will pass" & that things will get better....in about 4-7 years! as the experts on blending families like to point out. And in reality, even though we've been in this house together since late May, it is still very new to all of us. Sometimes being a Brady is just much easier!

New Year, New Sail

Today marks another turn of a year--if you are Jewish (which I am).  It also begins the time of reflection leading up to Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.  And so, time to reflect upon my navel--anyone who's reading this blog (all 2 of you), knows that this year has been a huge one for change--but I'm not gonna talk about being a stepmom or moving in together, although that does require reflection at some point, this post is a reflection of sailing.  Right now, this oft quoted statement really fits & quite literally too:

"When you can't change the direction of the wind--adjust your sails."

Been a tough season for me as I've stated before & recently I think things have shifted--been out on a few different boats recently & I've come to realize that I really should trust myself more--that on occasion I actually do know what I'm talking about. Of course, I'm not saying that I'm really good at what I do--I will always be learning to be better (ancora imparo), but there is no reason to feel the way I have for most of this past season: that my stomach was tied in knots anytime anyone suggested that I go out on a new boat, & that I totally sucked at this racing-sailing thing.  And when you love sailing as much as I do, imagine how awful I felt most of the summer knowing that I didn't have a regular boat, thinking that any boat that I guest crewed on would make me rail meat because I wasn't any better than that anyway, & getting my hands on the spinnaker other than mebbe pole wasn't going to happen, or so I thought.  As the summer slips away, & fall breezes pick up--there has been a change in the wind--

The Oxford race was Saturday & even though the skipper decided that he wasn't going to race (20 knot sustained wind with some 25-30 knot gusts) & we were totally bummed--we made the best of it & drove down to Oxford for the party.  That is, myself & two other folks that regularly crew on the boat that I was supposed to be on.  We met Xing Fu after the race, had a blast at the party, went to a great dinner at Latitude 38 http://www.latitude38.org/, & then drove back to Annapolis.  But all was not lost, we all went out on Sunday & had a great sail--the moral of this is that I adjusted my sails & made the best of it--made some great new friends along the way, & got to play with my sail (the spinnaker).  I also have come to realize that I should trust myself when racing--that although I'm no rock star sailor, I can hold my own, would be an asset to many boats because I'm able to fill in for most jobs while racing(just don't put me on foredeck--I can do it but I'm no skinny minnie), & sometimes I actually do know what I'm talking about--jib foot is strapped, outhaul too tight...for example.  I think the epiphany came when one of our new friends (and a very soul sister vibe) said to me as we were leaving her house yesterday evening that she was impressed at how chill Xing Fu & I were flying the kite--we were both sitting with our backs to the rail, me on the sheet & him on pole & just kinda hangin' out, talking to each other & the driver about how shifty the wind was--making the necessary adjustments, & having fun making the boat go.  For me, trimming the kite is a very zen place--when that sail fills & you feel that catch, well, for me, it is nirvana--words just cannot describe it.  And that is what I mean about reflection--I am back to where I want to be~~my deep, love of sailing & desire to race & learn to be even better--adjust the sails & all of a sudden things look much better--L'Shana Tova everyone!

Tire Marks

This blog seems to have multiple personalities at times.  Sometimes I write about sailing, sometimes about my relationship with Xing Fu, & recently, very often about being a stepmom & how incredibly difficult that is.  Funny, being a mom is definitely difficult & I sometimes think that I've been putting a hell of a lot more effort into being a stepmom than a mom these days--it is a double-edged sword to be sure.  But in all honesty, it seems that this stepmom gig is harder than the mom gig.  Why is that?  Mebbe it has something to do with the fact that my kid loves me & I love him & we've had years to develop our own peculiar brand of disfunction & this relationship is relatively new & before approximately 3 1/2 years ago, neither of us knew the other existed....

But, I keep working on it & sometimes I feel like I'm spinning my wheels & I also think that sometimes I'm pretty under-appreciated for the things that I do as well.  And recently, after really extending myself so much that I gave up some really important BFF time that I kinda needed, to spend a good portion of the day with one skid, I was just so frustrated because I really did feel somewhat under-appreciated.  And, as if by magic, I downloaded the wonderful resource entitled StepMom Magazine and there it was in this month's issue.  The affirmation I was looking for:

"...what commonly happens is that a lot of men feel uncomfortable showing affection to their wives. They don’t get to be with their kids full time and for many of the men I work with, this is a sorrow for them, to not be with their kids full time. What ends up happening is a lot of wives feel thrown under the bus the week that the kids are there and they are not shown the attention or the affection they desire. They are told by their husbands things like, “I get to see you all the time, but I only get to see my kids half the time.”  From: Eyes Wide Open: An Interview with Gregg Ockun
by MARY T. KELLY, M.A.   http://www.stepmommag.com/monthly-issues/

OK, how true is that!!  And boy have I heard it before....and yes, I totally get the missing seeing the kids full time--I know it would be extremely difficult for me (case in point, whenever my kid is away at camp).  But I shouldn't be cast aside like yesterday's newspaper (do they make those anymore??)  & that is how I feel often & particularly when it's their weekend.  And that isn't reality either.  I like the point that was also made about modeling a good marriage & relationship--it is natural & should be demonstrated to all of the kids--bio & step because neither have seen very positive ones from their parents.  That the relationship is a priority to both of us.  Gregg goes on to say that if he didn't make his marriage a priority, it just sets up further tensions with his wife and well....that leads to further antagonism. He normalizes the marriage.  He makes it a point to make time for the relationship even when his kids are there. 

   "And in order to do that [priority] you have to have respect, you have to show affection, you have to respect your partner’s feelings. And in doing so, I thought it was important that we spend some quality time together, to carve out whatever quality time there is.
It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It can just be a walk in the park or date night or whatever other opportunities come along. And we did that not only when the kids weren’t there. I also made it a point to do it when the kids were with us because that’s what parents who haven’t gone through divorce do. (italics/color added) They go out on their own date night, they go out to the movies and they have a babysitter. Why should we not be able to do that just because I’m having my week with my kids? I think it’s perfectly normal."

Statistics back this approach up apparently.  Most re-marriages end up in divorce & according to the article it has a lot to do with whether the household is "kid-centric" vs. "adult-centric".  It ain't easy finding that balance--practice, practice, practice.  And, oh the guilt--it seems to be the biggest issue that divorced fathers inherit.  And it drives them to neglect the one person who will give them the most support....how do you find the balance?  This seems to be the biggest struggle that we have these days. 

Always

Sometimes I lose my concentration,
Kick around in desperation,
Day to day,
When I'm away.

Across the miles of separation,
I take you like a warm vacation
Everyday,
While I'm away.

'Cuz you're here in my mind,
Here in my life,
Here in my heart,
Always.

You can't be here to stop my shaking,
Anytime I feel like breaking,
Day to day,
When I'm away.

I close my eyes and disappear,
And I will always find you here,
Everyday,
When I'm away.

'Cuz you're here in my mind, 
Here in my life,
Here in my heart,
Always.
 --Marti Jones


Earlier this year Xing Fu & I saw Don Dixon & Marti Jones at Ram's Head on Stage.  They played this song & I loved it then & tried desperately to find the lyrics to no avail (I listened & I think I've got them right) & then promptly forgot the song (so much for it being meaningful, but it was around the time that we moved so  think I have a good excuse).  This morning on my way to work, it played on my ipod & I was reminded how meaningful this song was when I heard it.  Xing Fu & I have struggled this summer trying to bring our lives, households, & children together into a cohesive group.  I think in some ways we were very naive & now our eyes are pretty wide open & more realistic.  

Anyway, this past weekend was Annapolis Race Week & we spent time away from home & amongst folks we haven't had as much time this season to hang out with.  And somewhere, in the middle of being on different boats, the parties, etc., I think we were able to recapture some of the romance of our relationship that reality has certainly dampened recently. And hearing this song reminded me of just that.  Yeah, it's sappy, but sometimes we need a jolt of that to help us regain equilibrium. And Xing Fu sent me an email saying that the lyrics are how we feel about each other--can't ask for more than that.