No One Is Carol Brady Except Carol Brady....And She Had Alice

I gotta say sometimes this blended family thing blows serious chunks!  OK, that being said, I remember reading some advice once about it being good to buy a new house together that way everyone can't claim territorial rights...good in theory but it doesn't take into account that in some ways, Xing Fu & I are kinda like a newly married couple, with all of the angst that comes in the first year of any marriage & subsequent moving in together issues. And yup, the added smooshing of families also adds more angst & the loss of the only house my kid has ever known, and, and, and....well, y'all get the point.  So why can't I be Carol?  The ability to smoothly glide into her step-children's lives (and Tiger's) & become the loving, cheerful, smiling stepmomma that everyone loves.  Maybe it's easier since they were both widowers & didn't have to deal with intrusive exes & confused loyalty issues. I'm sure the exes must have a bit of schadenfreude whenever there is perceived "drama"--the desire to see the house of cards come crashing down on the household & the vicarious, "I told you it wouldn't work.", while giving that little shake of the head & little half smirk of superiority...Well dammit! I ain't Carol & I really don't have Alice to smooth the rough edges. And sometimes, just sometimes I get oh, so tired of playing the part of something I'm not.  Stress fractures appear in the supposed calm mien & I need to "light out for the Territories" as Stephen King or Peter Straub might say in The Talisman. Which is exactly what I did on Sunday.  I disappeared for 6 hours--I couldn't breathe, I felt unwelcome in my own new house where there aren't supposed to be territorial issues, & I didn't want to scare anyone...so I lit out.  My son knew that I needed to get out & wasn't worried (he knows me so well) & I needed to get perspective & get away from a toxic dump.  I just needed to remind myself that "this too will pass" & that things will get better....in about 4-7 years! as the experts on blending families like to point out. And in reality, even though we've been in this house together since late May, it is still very new to all of us. Sometimes being a Brady is just much easier!

New Year, New Sail

Today marks another turn of a year--if you are Jewish (which I am).  It also begins the time of reflection leading up to Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.  And so, time to reflect upon my navel--anyone who's reading this blog (all 2 of you), knows that this year has been a huge one for change--but I'm not gonna talk about being a stepmom or moving in together, although that does require reflection at some point, this post is a reflection of sailing.  Right now, this oft quoted statement really fits & quite literally too:

"When you can't change the direction of the wind--adjust your sails."

Been a tough season for me as I've stated before & recently I think things have shifted--been out on a few different boats recently & I've come to realize that I really should trust myself more--that on occasion I actually do know what I'm talking about. Of course, I'm not saying that I'm really good at what I do--I will always be learning to be better (ancora imparo), but there is no reason to feel the way I have for most of this past season: that my stomach was tied in knots anytime anyone suggested that I go out on a new boat, & that I totally sucked at this racing-sailing thing.  And when you love sailing as much as I do, imagine how awful I felt most of the summer knowing that I didn't have a regular boat, thinking that any boat that I guest crewed on would make me rail meat because I wasn't any better than that anyway, & getting my hands on the spinnaker other than mebbe pole wasn't going to happen, or so I thought.  As the summer slips away, & fall breezes pick up--there has been a change in the wind--

The Oxford race was Saturday & even though the skipper decided that he wasn't going to race (20 knot sustained wind with some 25-30 knot gusts) & we were totally bummed--we made the best of it & drove down to Oxford for the party.  That is, myself & two other folks that regularly crew on the boat that I was supposed to be on.  We met Xing Fu after the race, had a blast at the party, went to a great dinner at Latitude 38 http://www.latitude38.org/, & then drove back to Annapolis.  But all was not lost, we all went out on Sunday & had a great sail--the moral of this is that I adjusted my sails & made the best of it--made some great new friends along the way, & got to play with my sail (the spinnaker).  I also have come to realize that I should trust myself when racing--that although I'm no rock star sailor, I can hold my own, would be an asset to many boats because I'm able to fill in for most jobs while racing(just don't put me on foredeck--I can do it but I'm no skinny minnie), & sometimes I actually do know what I'm talking about--jib foot is strapped, outhaul too tight...for example.  I think the epiphany came when one of our new friends (and a very soul sister vibe) said to me as we were leaving her house yesterday evening that she was impressed at how chill Xing Fu & I were flying the kite--we were both sitting with our backs to the rail, me on the sheet & him on pole & just kinda hangin' out, talking to each other & the driver about how shifty the wind was--making the necessary adjustments, & having fun making the boat go.  For me, trimming the kite is a very zen place--when that sail fills & you feel that catch, well, for me, it is nirvana--words just cannot describe it.  And that is what I mean about reflection--I am back to where I want to be~~my deep, love of sailing & desire to race & learn to be even better--adjust the sails & all of a sudden things look much better--L'Shana Tova everyone!

Tire Marks

This blog seems to have multiple personalities at times.  Sometimes I write about sailing, sometimes about my relationship with Xing Fu, & recently, very often about being a stepmom & how incredibly difficult that is.  Funny, being a mom is definitely difficult & I sometimes think that I've been putting a hell of a lot more effort into being a stepmom than a mom these days--it is a double-edged sword to be sure.  But in all honesty, it seems that this stepmom gig is harder than the mom gig.  Why is that?  Mebbe it has something to do with the fact that my kid loves me & I love him & we've had years to develop our own peculiar brand of disfunction & this relationship is relatively new & before approximately 3 1/2 years ago, neither of us knew the other existed....

But, I keep working on it & sometimes I feel like I'm spinning my wheels & I also think that sometimes I'm pretty under-appreciated for the things that I do as well.  And recently, after really extending myself so much that I gave up some really important BFF time that I kinda needed, to spend a good portion of the day with one skid, I was just so frustrated because I really did feel somewhat under-appreciated.  And, as if by magic, I downloaded the wonderful resource entitled StepMom Magazine and there it was in this month's issue.  The affirmation I was looking for:

"...what commonly happens is that a lot of men feel uncomfortable showing affection to their wives. They don’t get to be with their kids full time and for many of the men I work with, this is a sorrow for them, to not be with their kids full time. What ends up happening is a lot of wives feel thrown under the bus the week that the kids are there and they are not shown the attention or the affection they desire. They are told by their husbands things like, “I get to see you all the time, but I only get to see my kids half the time.”  From: Eyes Wide Open: An Interview with Gregg Ockun
by MARY T. KELLY, M.A.   http://www.stepmommag.com/monthly-issues/

OK, how true is that!!  And boy have I heard it before....and yes, I totally get the missing seeing the kids full time--I know it would be extremely difficult for me (case in point, whenever my kid is away at camp).  But I shouldn't be cast aside like yesterday's newspaper (do they make those anymore??)  & that is how I feel often & particularly when it's their weekend.  And that isn't reality either.  I like the point that was also made about modeling a good marriage & relationship--it is natural & should be demonstrated to all of the kids--bio & step because neither have seen very positive ones from their parents.  That the relationship is a priority to both of us.  Gregg goes on to say that if he didn't make his marriage a priority, it just sets up further tensions with his wife and well....that leads to further antagonism. He normalizes the marriage.  He makes it a point to make time for the relationship even when his kids are there. 

   "And in order to do that [priority] you have to have respect, you have to show affection, you have to respect your partner’s feelings. And in doing so, I thought it was important that we spend some quality time together, to carve out whatever quality time there is.
It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It can just be a walk in the park or date night or whatever other opportunities come along. And we did that not only when the kids weren’t there. I also made it a point to do it when the kids were with us because that’s what parents who haven’t gone through divorce do. (italics/color added) They go out on their own date night, they go out to the movies and they have a babysitter. Why should we not be able to do that just because I’m having my week with my kids? I think it’s perfectly normal."

Statistics back this approach up apparently.  Most re-marriages end up in divorce & according to the article it has a lot to do with whether the household is "kid-centric" vs. "adult-centric".  It ain't easy finding that balance--practice, practice, practice.  And, oh the guilt--it seems to be the biggest issue that divorced fathers inherit.  And it drives them to neglect the one person who will give them the most support....how do you find the balance?  This seems to be the biggest struggle that we have these days. 

Always

Sometimes I lose my concentration,
Kick around in desperation,
Day to day,
When I'm away.

Across the miles of separation,
I take you like a warm vacation
Everyday,
While I'm away.

'Cuz you're here in my mind,
Here in my life,
Here in my heart,
Always.

You can't be here to stop my shaking,
Anytime I feel like breaking,
Day to day,
When I'm away.

I close my eyes and disappear,
And I will always find you here,
Everyday,
When I'm away.

'Cuz you're here in my mind, 
Here in my life,
Here in my heart,
Always.
 --Marti Jones


Earlier this year Xing Fu & I saw Don Dixon & Marti Jones at Ram's Head on Stage.  They played this song & I loved it then & tried desperately to find the lyrics to no avail (I listened & I think I've got them right) & then promptly forgot the song (so much for it being meaningful, but it was around the time that we moved so  think I have a good excuse).  This morning on my way to work, it played on my ipod & I was reminded how meaningful this song was when I heard it.  Xing Fu & I have struggled this summer trying to bring our lives, households, & children together into a cohesive group.  I think in some ways we were very naive & now our eyes are pretty wide open & more realistic.  

Anyway, this past weekend was Annapolis Race Week & we spent time away from home & amongst folks we haven't had as much time this season to hang out with.  And somewhere, in the middle of being on different boats, the parties, etc., I think we were able to recapture some of the romance of our relationship that reality has certainly dampened recently. And hearing this song reminded me of just that.  Yeah, it's sappy, but sometimes we need a jolt of that to help us regain equilibrium. And Xing Fu sent me an email saying that the lyrics are how we feel about each other--can't ask for more than that.
 

Sailing Round-up

So, I haven't posted much about sailing this summer for a variety of reasons--the move, & the family stuff being mainly what this summer has been about.  In fact, I haven't been doing as much sailing this summer--major bummer, and now we're already moving towards fall.  Yikes!!  Summer has just disappeared. Anyhow, finally sailing post--of sorts.  

Had a serious crappy end to my sailing season last summer (although I did have a few post-season races that were a lot of fun--racing in December, anyone?).  So when Spring rolled around this year, I wasn't exactly chomping at the bit to be back out there & I didn't have a boat to be chomping for as it was, so I was back on the "dating market" for a new sailing "home". And we missed going to the Spin Sheet Crew Listings Party because my kid had a rowing regatta that day so I had absolutely no leads other that a few contacts from previous years.  And, on top of it all, my confidence in my ability was at an all-time low, so I was struggling a lot.  As it was, I uploaded my info to Spin Sheet & almost immediately received an email asking for me to crew for the Annapolis Yacht Club's Wednesday Night Series on a boat that was just beginning to campaign.  "Very cool", I thought because the team would be built from the ground up.  I was getting excited again because it also provided me with an opportunity to learn a new position on the boat. But, as it is with dating, not every first date becomes a relationship & that one was pretty nasty as I would find out very soon & what confidence I did have was blown right out of the proverbial water on that boat.  So, not only was a boat-less again, I also had no ride for Wednesday nights, let alone any weekend regattas. Bleh!  

I got lucky for Screwpile as I'd written before, & also was able to hop on board another boat that I do fall series with for Wednesdays, but as their crew is well-established, there is really little for me to do other than check stays & the occasional grinding & tailing--basically rail meat, but at least I'm getting out.  The down side to all of this is that I'm not practicing my skills at any trim--not jib, not spin, & certainly not main.  Which sucks & further erodes my confidence.  But here's where the fun starts--this story isn't a downer at all!

On Friday evening I got a text from my friend C, who knows a ton of sailors in Annapolis.  She wanted to know if I could go out on a friend's boat for the C.R.A.B. Regatta for Saturday. C.R.A.B. stands for Chesapeake Region Accessible Boating--great for getting folk out on the bay sailing who have disabilities. Link: http://crabsailing.org/  The skipper needed a spin trimmer & could I step in?  OK, my initial gut reaction was panic.  I really wanted to go but as I've said, my confidence had been sorely shaken & the thought of jumping on a boat & trimming the spinnaker, & possibly screwing up since I haven't had much practice this season, made my stomach lurch.  But I decided that I'd go, if for no other reason that I wanted to make connections for Annapolis Race Week, since, yet again, I didn't have a ride.

What a great time we had! I honestly can say that the crew just fit immediately--we got it done & when we finished every single one of us had huge smiles--and over & over I heard people saying that it was the best race that they'd had all season.  How cool was that?  The wind was awesome, the skipper said that the boat was sailing at its rating, & we just had great fun rolling the folks in front of us, even when we were over early at the start.  And we saw the first C.R.A.B. boat take the bullet--we gave out huge cheers as we watched behind us as they crossed the finish.  Later, the skipper said that I did a great job with my trimming.  When I said that I needed a ride for race week, well--happy ending--I have one & I couldn't be more excited.  This boat is fun & fast & I am rejuvenated.  I can't wait!

Chaos Theory

"All great changes are preceded by chaos." 
--Deepak Chopra

I am trying. Last week I tweeted, "repeat after me, I am not the evil step mom, I am NOT the evil step mom. #grittingteeth."  Why does it seem that my sense of humor & positive equilibrium have flown out the window recently?  Why can't I be gracious & accepting of being cast aside like yesterday's dirty dishes?  Huh? Why?  Even after, being a summer hausfrau, I wash and fold the step-daughters' laundry, am I outside, looking in at all of the fun & games that I'm not allowed to be part of.  Yes, I am to be welcoming, loving, gracious, supportive, generous, & thoughtful to excess for thee divine step children--even my own kid doesn't get that kind of over-the-top ass-kissing! And I read all this advice stuff out in the ether and lo & behold that is what is EXPECTED of me!  And yet, I am treated like an afterthought at best.  And I am to accept this (with grace of course)!  OMG!! 

So, I saw the quote above in several places last week--another blogger, twitter, in a magazine, & someone actually said it to me, therefore I am led to believe that this must be my new mantra. And my life has certainly been chaotic & full of change--but where is the "great change?"  Mebbe it was the new lipstick I picked up at Sephora this week.  Pink instead of wine-colored...

Also, in these well-meaning stepmom advice columns I read the following, "be good to yourself, treat yourself, blah, blah, blah."  All I wanna do is drink several glasses of wine, grab a buzz, hang out with my BFF(J), & try to forget about being a step mom for once.  And I can't escape either.  When I owned my little house by myself & was upset with the situation, I could run back home & curl up in my soothing blue bedroom & be alone with my thoughts (or scream out my frustrations).  Having moved in with Xing Fu, & apparently having troubled the step kids by my yelling once, yes once, I am unable to escape.  Oh, & I'm certainly not allowed to raise my voice--I must keep an inside voice lest I disturb the sensitivities of the step kids.  At least that is what the advice columns also say.  Notice the angst in my tone?  I miss my little house....I think this is just residual to having been alone & making my own decisions about my house without having to consult anyone since my ex vacated the premises in 2004. But either way, I feel the growing pains most acutely when I am made to feel like an outsider in my own (new) home.  Bottom line...would I trade this for where I was before?  Hmmmm....I wouldn't trade the man I am with now--certainly this blog reflects my deep feelings for him.  And well, he comes with baggage--a lot.  As do I--he is a step parent too.  We have gone into this with our eyes wide open & are working hard to move our family forward. But once, just once, I'd love things to flow my way for a change.  New tweet: "trying to find my zen place #zenmaster."

Stepfamily Shuffle--2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Back

A blended family experiment went down last week in the form of 4 children (3 teens, 1 tween, 3 girls, 1 boy(not in that order for age)), and lo & behold it seemed to work pretty well for all involved.  After all of the drama & stuff from before we left, we all managed to go to the beach for a week & act like a "normal" family.  And upon reflection, I also think the week moved all of us forward in this circus we call stepfamily.  We laughed a lot with one another which is HUGE.  And I finally thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, Xing Fu & I could pull this thing off--that was one of the first times since moving in together where I truly felt positive about it all.  I think we all did.  

But, at some point the other shoe will drop.  And it did about three hours after we got back home (that didn't take long!).  The warm fuzzies just didn't last.  Sigh.  I know there was a lot of crap floating just under the surface for many of us--which of course resurfaced once we all got back to the happy homestead. "We all float down here." a la Stephen King....as in the sh** is bound to rise to the surface once again.  I was hoping that we could keep it at bay at least until the following week.  And to some extent, depending upon the situation, I see changes--case in point, one skid has a birthday & actively involved me--that request really made my day--that she was seeking out something that I had to offer for her special day (OK, a few days after the fact, but still).  I cannot begin to tell you how many points she gained with me--can we call this an Olympic score of 8.5?  I really want to have a positive relationship with all of the skids & this is the kind of interaction that continues those positive feelings--and really, sometimes they are very hard to come by....

I think about another milestone situation & am saddened because we (bio son & I are being excluded).  A work in progress, but it stings pretty deeply nonetheless.  And it does little to make me want to reach out & develop a close, positive relationship because every time I make the attempt, somehow, something always gets in the way which upsets the apple cart & we're back to square one. 

And here's where all the advice columns etc., get to me sometimes--I am supposed to be gracious & accepting, loving & understanding & NEVER show how these things affect me.  I am wondering, are there really those Fairy Godmother, Uber Stepmoms who can do this out there?  Can you send me some of your Uber Stepmom mojo??  'Cause I ain't feelin' it.

It's almost comical how things go from wonderful to sh*t so quickly.  I mentioned how great our week at the beach was & then how just a mere 3 hours later, it all got sucked out like the tide after a storm.  And last night--great dinner--everyone laughing & then, not even an hour later, it crumbled--Xing Fu & I just shaking our heads, WTF?? OK, true statement here, we are both deeply committed to making this work & are optimistic that eventually, prolly in at least a few years, it will come together. But, right now....well, mebbe it had something to do with scrubbing the dog pee out of the rug....