If I Could Say...I Would Say

That whatever issues there are, some people need to grow the F up.  At some point communication with the parent of your child helps to facilitate a better relationship with that child in the long run--avoidance is just cowardice.  Stop snooping & man up!   Ultimately it is your loss & here I am trying to help by suggesting that having a relationship with the other parent is in your best interest.  If I despised you so much would I be remotely interested in trying to encourage interaction?  Nope!   I have no respect for you.  'Nuff said.

Miles Part I

There's a lot going on right now which is bringing up my more ditzy side.  I've been joking lately that I'd do better with my head disconnected from my body as it seems to be getting me into more trouble than not--for example, big race this weekend--Miles River.  Did it last year & really looking forward to it--just not as drunk.  So on Tuesday I emailed the skipper of my boat to ask about taking stuff down with us on Friday (Xing Fu & I are driving two cars down to St Michael's tomorrow & leaving one there with the bags etc., that people want there after the race) & mentioned that I could pack stuff on Wednesday after the race.  The skipper emails me back to say that she's not racing.  Of course, I thought she meant for the Miles race.  So stoopid!  I panic immediately & rush to send off emails to other skippers trying to find a ride for the race.  I email Xing Fu & tell him & he starts sending emails to other skippers too.  Shortly, I get a response from Seamus telling me that a lot of folks have been turned away...not good!  Xing Fu & I have pretty elaborate plans for the weekend which involved having the car down there & possibly camping out that night (find out that Talbot County does not allow camping--some zoning thingy--was on the NOR doc from the Miles River Yacht Club), then returning to Baltimore on Sunday for BFF(J) & Hubby's big Memorial Day Bash.  A little bit later I receive an email from Xing Fu saying he's found me a ride on another boast--yehaw!  Now I don't have to worry....got a boat, plans stay put, all is right with the world.....heh!  As it turns out, if I'd bother to read the original email a little more closely I would have seen that she meant the regular Wednesday race & not the Miles Race.  Now I'm double booked!  And I thought it would be difficult to find a spot...go figure.  But what to do?  Thankfully, the skipper of the new boat understood & I was off the hook, but as I said, what a ditz!  Yeesh!  


Anyway, early tomorrow morning we're off to the Eastern Shore to drop off a car, meet a friend of Xing Fu's for lunch, & then come back up to the West River for the night as I have a 7 AM dock time.  Looking forward to a great time!

Preparations

Insanely busy time right now--my son's Bar Mitzvah is occupying a lot of time & stress as well as the end of school activities & a major race this weekend.  I may have bald spots at the end of all this....

What I find hugely interesting & somewhat nerve-wracking is the upcoming interplay between all of the participants in this component of life's little drama.  I'm referring of course to the family dynamics, the exes, the mishpocheh, etc., & all of what that entails for the Bar Mitzvah.  I'm a bit nervous regarding my ex--his involvement & the fact that my boyfriend is very involved with me & my son--this is a whole new avenue for me to explore & one that makes Xing Fu & I have a bit of trepidation.  Many evenings & weekends, the three of us spend time together--recently I hosted a dinner for Xing Fu & his mother and the relationship between he & my son is evolving into a very nice one (Case in point: My son is excited to show off his summer camp to Xing Fu when we drive down to drop my son off). And, after all, he's only heard about my ex through me & my family & certainly little of it has been positive.  I hasten to add however, that there are positives--I do give credit to him about my excellent cooking skills that everyone claims I have now & the fact that I have a real understanding of how flavors & textures can work to create amazing things in food.  Certainly, many people, including my BF reap the benefits of my culinary talents. But the overarching theme is a decidedly negative one in reference to my ex.  I hope that he will conduct himself appropriately as this is a celebration of his son's accomplishments even if my ex is not Jewish, or for that matter, very Christian.  And certainly, my ex is welcome to be there, but his involvement in his son's life has been minimal to none.  I know my former father-in-law is very proud of his grandson as is my former sister-in-law & neither of them would even remotely want to create drama.  My ex, who knows, appropriate decorum was never his strong suit.  I will give him the benefit of the doubt--I just want my son's day to be a special & wonderfully memorable one that is free of the seamy underside of divorce & it's inherent drama.

As it stands right now--most of those who we've invited are coming to the event--there will be a ton of people.  I'm certainly thrilled that there are so many friends, & family who want to share with us--it makes me feel great that my son has so many people out there who love & care about him.

Another source of stress are the snoopers to this blog--I can never understand some people's fascination with all of this....  Last I heard, this country is founded on freedom of speech--and certainly I do not name names.  What are y'all looking for?  Condemnation?  Confirmation?  There are a lot of folk from all avenues of my life looking, looking, looking...some everyday & some with veiled threats....is my life all that interesting?  Apparently so for some out there!  I've been advised a few times to make this blog "Invitation Only", but I honestly don't want to do that--I have readers from Hungary to New Zealand to Germany & beyond--that's awfully nice, but why should I cut them off because various individuals are unhappy?  See, I'm not referring to my general readership who have very positive things to say, I'm talking about the stalkers--the negative ones.  Yep, I know that when one writes a blog & it's out there for the world to see,  it exposes the writer to certain criticisms, etc., but still....let it go!  I guess I'm flattered in a weird way....

Stages

The above comic strip is so true.  It is so easy to misconstrue the other person's meaning.  I'm not saying this has happened, but it is easy to do so especially as we move into a more familiar aspect of our relationship--we are no longer in the throes of the "first bloom", sweep me completely of my feet (although I have been told that I still glow...) part of life and have now entered into a more realistic perspective--I'd like to think it is actually a more intimate stage.

That being said, there have been adjustments especially since Xing Fu has been away recently & finding time for one another becomes sometimes difficult (I reference back to an earlier post:  http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2010/02/finding-rhythm.html  )  We keep reminding ourselves that communication is key because like that comic above, there are many areas where there could be a break-down, especially with so many priorities & people vying for our attention.  It certainly is a balancing act on so many fronts....one word comes to mind fairly often: COMPROMISE.

I think the last few weeks have been kind of rough for me, an adjustment, a reality check on what I'm thinking.  Xing Fu remarked about that last night--he is right--the real world comes crashing in & working with the reality can be difficult at times for me, but I think we both are working hard to understand what the other needs & adjust accordingly as best we can under our own constraints.  The work we put into this relationship thingy...I wrote this in an email today: "makes me appreciate the positive work we put into us (something we may not have been so willing to do with others in the past)."   Again I can reference Lori Gottlieb & her comments about working into a partnership.  And that's what we want.

Stage: Work in Progress

Chasing Cars

We'll do it all, everything, on our own.

We don't need anything, or anyone.

 If I lay here, if I just lay here

Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.



I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough.


If I lay here, if I just lay here

Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.
Forget what we're told, before we get too old
 Show me a garden that's bursting into life.



Let's waste time, chasing cars, around our heads.

I need your grace to remind me, to find my own.

If I lay here, if I just lay here

Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.

Forget what we're told, before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life.



All that I am, all that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

 I don't know where, confused about how as well
just know that these things will never change for us at all.


If I lay here, if I just lay here

Would you lie with me, and just forget the world. 

---Snow Patrol

Concurrence

A connecting principle

Linked to the invisible

Almost imperceptible                   
Something inexpressible
Science insusceptible
Logic so inflexible
Causally connectable
Yet nothing is invincible
--Synchronicity I, The Police

Another occurence of synchronicity happened yesterday--we often wonder how many times a day that actually happens, but in this case we both sent emails to one another at 8:37 AM.  I thought, "hmmm...this is a little freaky-deaky, but why am I surprised by this?"  It is our harmony & our connection & it is very real.  It is interesting to study, especially when looking at our differences.  At this point, we've come across a few & they are certainly part of learning each other--but as we take a closer look at those potential pit-falls, the baseline of that connectedness we have helps to craft those "pit-falls" into complimentary differences & opportunities for each of us to grow. 

Yeah, analysis of all of this seems a little much at times, but I think we both want to get it right--we feel that strongly.  And I see how many couples fail because they don't look at some of this stuff & blunder through opportunities to grow as individuals as well as a couple.  One huge difference is our approach to addressing conflict.  I tend to confront issues immediately--Xing Fu says that he tends to run from conflict.  I have found that when a person does not look at problems up front, they get much worse because they then get filtered through all kinds of perspective changers--and misperceptions tend to abound.  That's when hurt happens--yes, initially, there may be pain in confrontation, but it's over soon & the real work can begin.  I'm pretty sure that it has been far more productive for us because I do push a discussion through.  We have found that our connection has become that much stronger.  Thus the complimentary nature of our relationship in this particular aspect--

There are other areas we've discovered as well--he tends toward the more practical & I tend to be a lot more flighty--it's good to be pulled to the ground occasionally & believe me, I need it.  Letting go is yet another biggy....I'll talk about that one another time.  Until then, hitting the books & studying my heart out.

Meet the Parents

Jack Byrnes: I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.

--Meet the Parents

 
 
 
 
 
It is a far different perspective that I had when I met Xing Fu's mother from the one when I met my ex-husband's parents. When I was far younger & meeting my ex-husband's parents, I really don't think I cared about the impression I gave them.  In fact, I hazard to think that I may have been more interested in rebelling against any parental control than making a good impression.  And a decidedly negative view ensued & continued over the many years we were together.  It is unfortunate that I was so immature that I did not recognize the value of creating positive relationships with the people I inherited from my marriage.  It was only after our divorce that my relationship changed significantly with my former in-laws.  I think we got to a point where we appreciated what the other had to offer, especially with regard to my son.  The point of this is that I am certainly at a far different place now when confronted with meeting Xing Fu's mother.  We had a discussion about this, as we always do, & what it was like for him to meet his past relationship's parents, etc.  We both understand now the value of creating a positive impression & as a result, our behavior has changed significantly.  I pointed out that I felt I was way, way younger then & didn't understand the importance then, nor did I care-he agreed.

We both have met the other's parent/s & have been received favorably--quite a change I think.  I was very nervous about meeting his mother--I felt that it was very important that she approve of me & my son--otherwise she would not be as supportive of our relationship--we need all the support we can get from the significant people in our lives as there are many out there who'd love to see us fail.  For my folks' part--they are thrilled that Xing Fu is a sailor & that he is a responsible & caring person--and that he makes me happy & is so good to me.  All pluses.  My sister certainly approves--another test.  My ex was the ultimate failure with my family & it became a point of contention between us.  The Bull failed miserably with my close family, except for the extended parts, & my immediate family's collective thoughts were, "O god, here we go again, another jerk who doesn't get it!  When will she learn?"  I have learned--and as a result, everyone of significance on my side of this relationship approves.  The next big test is looming in June when my entire family will be in for my son's Bar Mitzvah.  A hugely scary prospect, indeed.  But as we approach most everything in our relationship--together--it will be great!

Cinco de Sailing

What a gorgeous sailing evening--another fantastic race!  This time we took second which was awesome.  Pretty gusty out there yesterday & I was flying the kite again--pretty shifty winds, & I needed to really focus but we we were able to overtake quite a few boats in our class and managed to pull out that second with adjusted time.  When we were on the windward tack, I was riding the rail at that time, I watched the boat Xing Fu was on on its 2nd down wind leg.  I knew he was flying too so I wanted to see how he was doing...took him a while to get that chute filled so I didn't feel so badly at my not quite getting shape to mine right away on the first down wind leg.  I was thinking, "get that kite filled, come on!"  I also struggled a bit on the jibe because I needed to free-fly & I didn't get aft enough to see the edges of the sail--next time--new boat & need to practice more & as I said, heavier wind & shifty.  But an exhilarating experience nonetheless...what's cool is that I have an opportunity to really learn more--get a chance to do a little foredeck work this season, some mast & hopefully some main--great experiences all around the positions on the boat.  What's even better is that I have a place to call home--not flitting between 7 different boats.  I don't mind because I learn on every single one, but it is nice to be part of a steady crew.

Can't wait for the Miles River Race in a few weeks--I wrote about it last year--this year I plan on NOT getting as wasted as I was last year--looking forward to a great race & then a great party but plan on having far fewer Dark 'n' Stormies this year. 

Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo & Pirate's Cove had the taco buffet after racing & also some very nice drink specials.  The skipper of my boat was so happy with our result that she bought us rounds of tequila shots--fun, but as I needed to drive home, so I limited myself--but I am having a great time--super fun folk out there--I think we got the rowdiest table award last night.  


***I've been informed that the times were off & we came in third after all--ah well--still a great race!

Comedy of Errors, No Wait...The Taming of the Shrew

The weekends fly by so quickly!  Last week was a bit of an emotional roller-coaster on many levels so by the time I'd gotten to Friday I'd just about had it.  But I was looking forward to the weekend massively--my sister was in town for her high school reunion & we were planning to all go to see Gogol Bordello at Ram's Head Friday night.  I'd managed to pick up another ticket for her on Craig's List.  As usual, I try to cram far too much into one day--from trying to get my hair done to getting down to my folks' house before everyone else arrived.  No such luck-- because of extreme haste, I ran out without the tickets!  Sucked to be me because by the time I figured out that I'd forgotten the tix, I was already far enough down 83 for me to be considered within the Mount Vernon area--the folks live down in Canton--'nuff said.  So back on the road with tickets in hand, my son & I arrive.  He runs out of the car door & in the process pulls my cell phone out with him & down the storm drain it goes!  See what I mean by having enough?  I watch as it gets slowly swallowed by the muck.  I was fit to be tied.  Xing Fu comes out to see what he can do--laughs & reminds me that I'd been trying to get rid of that phone for over a month & now was my opportunity.  He & my dad retrieve it after managing to pull the grate out, in the process, Xing Fu lost his glasses down there as well, when leaning over to survey the damage of my cell loss.  So, phone & glasses in hand, he fared far better--no damage.  My cell was dead & gone.  A comedy of errors to be sure.


Anyhow,  off to dinner with the kid sister--she finally had a chance to meet Xing Fu & decide for herself if he was worthy...(I think those were her words)  Dinner was at Ra which is a lot of fun, albeit very loud--hard to get to know someone when you have to scream over the din (din).  Afterward, we jet off to see Gogol Bordello--gypsy punk.  Love the fiddles, & accordion--imagine Klezmer on speed & you kinda get the idea.  They have an incredible live show.  Saw them at Virgin Fest in 2008 & was very excited to see them again.  I stood by amazed when my 5'2" sister joined the pit of pogo-jumping masses--get swallowed up, & disappear.  It was a blast--"Start wearing purple!"


Saturday was culture of a different sort--down to Adam's Morgan to catch The Taming of the Shrew.  One of Xing Fu's sailing buddies was stage manager.  I really liked the modern interpretation of this play--Shakespeare truly stands the test of time--double entendre & all.   After the play which was in a great little gallery, we walked 2 doors down to Meskerem (18th St NW)--a fantastic Ethiopian restaurant--hadn't eaten Ethiopian in many years but loved the food & was glad to have it again.  I love going to DC--I wish the restaurants in Baltimore stayed open as late--there was a great vibe in the area that evening--kinda reminded me of Amsterdam.


You'd think by Sunday it would be time to slow down but as it was, my BFF(J) invited us to their house on the water for the afternoon/evening.  We made a batch of red-neck margaritas & kicked back while the kids swam in the river.  It was truly idyllic--sitting on the dock, listening to BFF(J) & another friend play their guitars, bbq hamburgers & hot dogs, & welcome the official opening of the water house for the season.   Later, we built a bonfire & roasted marshmallows as the sun went down.  What a fantastic way to end the weekend--good friends & great experiences--happy, happy.