My Marriage Reality

An article has been circulating around the 'net recently--dare I say it--gone viral, entitled "Marriage isn't for You".  http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/  On first blush (heh), I quite liked ALL that was said--why wouldn't I?  It implied that the man should put his girl first, & everyone else for that matter, but I'm getting away from my train of thought....I do love the sentiment though.  The basic idea came from his dad who said, " I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”  Nice!  Who wouldn't want your man doing all he can for you??  But it won't work.  Evah!  Not to say to be all Debbie Downer, but let's be realistic here.  What man will willingly debase himself like that & be pussy-whipped for a woman?  I don't know too many of them....bet you don't either.  Instead, I like to think that marriage, or any serious long-term, committed relationship is a 60-40 proposition--otherwise known as the 60-40 rule.  I've talked about this before--sometimes you give 60% & your SO gives the 40.  And sometimes that is reversed--just depends on the situation & the partner's need at the time.  And, what I really take from this little incredibly loving statement to his wife, is that marriage really is hard work.  As the author Seth Adam Smith says, "It (his father's advice) went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one."   I agree 100% with that statement.  People will so easily cast aside their relationship & are unwilling often to do the hard work.  

So lo & behold, across the web comes the counter article: Why Man's 'Marriage Isn't For You' Essay Misses the Mark. http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/why-man-s--marriage-isn-t-for-you--essay-misses-the-mark-201042173.html  And I definitely agree with this excerpt:

According to Andrea Bonior, PhD, a Washington, D.C.-based licensed clinical psychologist, Smith's intention may be good, but his message is muddled. “People live crazy, hectic lives, so taking time to appreciate your partner and the commitment you made to each other is a positive thing,” she tells Yahoo Shine. “However, marriage is not just about one person's needs." Science substantiates that: One recent study conducted by Monmouth University found that couples who focus on their own personal growth, as opposed to their partner's, are more committed and enjoy longer marriages.

Reality check.  The rest of the article discusses what the consequences could be if the advice is taken literally--abusive spouse?  Do you bend over & take that or is there a time when enough is enough?  Mentally ill to the point of incapacitation?  Emotional abuse?  See where I'm going here?  I believe that Smith wrote the article for the marriages that face the daily slings & arrows....and being reminded of how important it is to love one another, & work through the issues is always a good thing.

In the end however, it is this little facebook thingy that I liked the most:

 An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

Aged Wine

 "Relish love in our old age! Aged love is like aged wine; it becomes more satisfying, more refreshing, more valuable, more appreciated and more intoxicating!" --Leo Buscaglia


A couple of weekends ago, Xing Fu's dad & stepmother came for a visit from Texas.  They are both is their 80's & are in great shape--I hope I'm that well off when I'm that age.  But I digress--what struck me the most was how touchy-feely, romantic they were.  Maybe it was over-the-top a bit (he knelt to help her put on her shoes at one point), but I was smitten myself at how devoted they seemed to one another. I remarked to Xing Fu about how they were after they left & he agreed.  He said that his dad wasn't like that when he was growing up, & wondered if it was the woman who made him a different man or just the time in his life.  I guess the romantic in me hopes that it had something to do with the woman--probably because it's his father's second marriage, and it has lasted for quite some time.  Of course it is my desire that we might be the same way & that we both have brought out the best in one another.  Either way, it was wonderful to see such devotion & visual examples of commitment. And I hope that both my son & Xing Fu's daughters saw what I saw as well--that love can last into older age & be just as romantic as when one is in one's youth.  To that end, Xing Fu left me a little note one morning this week as I'm on vaycay from work & he drove my son to school for me.  When I sent him an email later that day to thank him he wrote back that he wants "wants to be all lovey-dovey in 30 years like my parents."  And I think he's worked towards that as have I--last night I satisfied my bet from last year's NCAA tournament by taking Xing Fu to Woodberry Kitchen for dinner.  (Every year we bet on our brackets--loser takes the winner out to a really nice restaurant--I've won only once--boo!).  Very romantic of course but nothing too extraordinary except this morning after I'd posted last night on FB the following, "Lovely dinner with Xing Fu at Woodberry Kitchen & the food was pretty awesome too!" His response (very rare as he's hardly ever on FB), "Yes, lovely dinner with a lovely woman. What more could I ask?"   I hope we continue like this in 30 years too.

Suck It Up!

I came across a cool blog about being a stepmom called The Erin Experiment www.erinexperiment.com . I liked what I read there--especially her last post about why people feel the need to say to stepmoms to "Suck it up!"  I'm pretty new at this gig & I gotta say to all those folk out there who tell me that "I have to rise above it", or "You knew that he had a ton of baggage", can blow it out their collective ears!  Yeah, I'm well aware of what I signed up for--it just doesn't mean that I truly get it & frankly I probably won't for a while at least--maybe never.  Do you?  Does anybody?  And when will I have the emotional fortitude to rise above the fray?  I think I asked in my last post when do I get a break? And I'm seeing that stepmoms usually don't get a break & are expected to be calm & have a quiet grace--ah, anybody out there believe this load of crap??  OMG!  I think I may be in trouble here--I'm really good at that mantra below in a professional way but when it comes to my personal life, well....I keep looking for gray hair.

I've discovered that I'm a very different person when the kids are around--not my kid, the Skids (I'm finding ALL kinds of acronym-like stuff for stepparenting).  I am a ball of stress & anxiety--one of my girlfriends stopped by last week to see the new house & as we were sitting at the kitchen table enjoying cold glasses of water (I know, not wine!), she told me that I looked very different from when I lived in my old house--she said that I looked anxious & stressed.  Even Xing Fu said something to me about it--that I act differently when his kids are around--wouldn't you if you felt scrutinized & judged at every turn?  I don't want to feel that way & when they are not here I definitely relax & am able to think more clearly.  

Like this morning as I sat looking around at the boxes still to be unpacked in our bedroom--I thought to myself, "is this what I really want?  How did I get here? and, Am I delaying the unpacking because of the drama/trauma I've been going through trying to be the uberstepmom?" I decided that I did want this & that I've gotten to this place because I love Xing Fu & want to share my life with him.  Ah, such romantic notions--hard to see because those feelings are often clouded by everything that's been going on.  But, as a way to face the fears, & prove my commitment, I unpacked a bunch of stuff. 

Another Great Weekend

We tend to write this in an email after every weekend we spend together--obviously a very good thing but it brings me to the idea of appreciation.  I ran across a little snippet about strengthening your relationship with your significant other.  It read:

Get In Your Head

To be happy with your husband, you may have to re-train your brain, says Achor. For 21 days in a row, write down one new thing you're grateful for about your husband. "Research shows that by the end of those three weeks, you will have taught your brain to be more appreciative and loving toward your mate," she says.

We already to this to some degree is what I wrote in an email this morning.  Even if Xing Fu tries to drown me, or knock me out with the boom, he does not blow off the little advice blurbs I send him.  He treats them with respect & recognizes how much we both work to keep our relationship a strong & healthy one.  To that end I certainly appreciate the effort we both put forth--it shows a deep commitment to each other.  And we're going to give it a try without being redundant.  My first one: 

I appreciate that you treat these little relationship advice snippets that I find & send seriously & not just "humor" me.

And I wonder, looking at the recent failure of a relationship that an acquaintance of mine had blow up in her face, if we're the lucky ones.  Of course, she had it coming--hatred spewing people cannot find others who will find them positive, loving people--if you hate, you will see Karma come right back atcha'--how can you have a loving relationship with anyone when you exude such anger & negativity?

I also like to think that for the most part my friends' relationships & marriages are also ones that show deep appreciation--they seem to--this weekend demonstrated that as we all descended on BFF(J)'s house on the water for an impromptu BBQ--