Loneliness & Social Media

So I was sitting here on Monday scratching my head for a new blog post to share with the world & it kinda fell in my lap via my son.  He has recently joined the blogging fray--he writes about his religious views or rather, his lack of religion.  Which is ok--we are not a religious family by any stretch of the imagination but I would say that we ascribe to a "culturally Jewish" mindset & I think my son would agree with that statement.  But his blog or his religious views are not the point of this post but rather a video that he posted on his blog.  If any are interested here is a link to his blog: http://reasonoverdogma.blogspot.com/

Anyway, my son posted this video from vimeo regarding the new "loneliness" that has been brought about by all of our electronics & social media addictions. Here is a link:  http://vimeo.com/70534716
To some degree I agree with the video but I also dissent.  I happen to love social media & utilize it readily--blogging anyone?  I have found that while yes, 320 of my nearest & dearest are my friends on facebook, it doesn't stop me from having real social interactions with those who count the most (I just insulted half of my friends on FB).  In some ways I feel that social media enhances my relationships. For example, if I posted some beach pics from instagram on facebook, checked in on foursquare at Surf Bagel, etc., invariably when I see a friend they say something like, "I saw your vacay pics on facebook & it looks like you guys had a good time.  I've been meaning to go to Surf Bagel when I'm in Lewes. Is it really that good?"  (btw, Surf Bagel really IS that good) So, a lot of times my posts help create a face-to-face conversation. Additionally, social media has brought me back in touch with some folk that I haven't seen in years--just recently a visit from one of my college friends from Michigan--inspiring a real conversation & interaction. We went to Boordy Vineyards to enjoy a wine tasting of great Maryland Wines, & yeah, I checked in on foursquare, & took a pic for instagram, but again, without my electronics, all of that may not have happened. And, truth be told, I tend to use facebook as picture storage & organization--it is a great place to put pictures & they are organized in a handy-dandy timeline!  Honestly, like everything else, I feel there is a middle ground.  

Very good points are to be made in the video.  Sometimes, during the course of our vacation at the beach, I would look around & EVERYONE was on some sort of electronic device.  People may have been sitting next to one another on the couch, but each person was in their own little world: I was watching old Merry Melodies on my ipad, my kid was playing a video game on his laptop across from me, his best friend was reading a book on his kindle, & one of my stepdaughters was watching netflix on her iphone.  It didn't happen often, & at one point all 10 of us crammed around the cocktail table in the living room to play Cards Against Humanity--very interactive, as well as Snorta!, & Cranium, so it wasn't ALL isolation....like I said--a happy medium.  

One final thought--as the video points out, texts, tweets, emails, blog posts, etc., can most definitely be edited before posting them while a real conversation cannot.  I think that online dating suffers from this phenomenon. (Yup, gotta bring this back to the overarching theme of this blog) Your online profile is not the real you & while I think online dating has helped so many people connect that probably would not have, I am very happy that Xing Fu & I actually connected the old fashioned way--he knew the real me & not some hyped up profile of what I wanted others to believe was me.  My advice to online daters is this: Be wary of the profiles that you see--don't allow ongoing back & forth emails, insist on having that real conversation in person very quickly--it really is like meeting someone in a bar for the first time--you never emailed or texted for hours before you met that dude at the grocery store--it was a totally random occurrence. If the guy is willing to meet you very soon after a few emails or a phone conversation at a Starbucks for a "mini-date", then that is a good thing.  Do it!  I did a lot of that for my 50 first dates.  I recently read that what I encountered as an online dater is not as rare as had I thought--many people have 1 or 2 first dates & move on--social media & online dating sites can eventually help you to find the right guy. But don't allow the search or the long drawn out online courtship that eventually goes nowhere create the loneliness & isolation that the video discusses.  Go out & live! I'm also very interested in what others think of the video--comments please!

In My Corner

I said goodbye to my kid on Sunday for a month--it never fails--I always cry--at least I didn't embarrass him at the airport (this year he flew to Raleigh-Durham then a bus to his camp instead of me or my folks driving him--believe it or not, it was way cheaper!). This is his 5th year so you'd think I'd get with the program by now--so not the case & I think this year may be particularly difficult with all of the changes going on. In the past, the hardest part of the summer was the possibility that my entire support structure would be gone & I'd have some time without work, Xing Fu, my besties on vaycay, & my kid all at the same time which created a feeling like the rug being yanked out from under.  Not a pleasant place to be. As a result, I recognize the need for a certain amount of structure--I need to feel connected in some way--of course this feeling has changed because now that I live with Xing Fu, there isn't really any time where he's not around for an extended period of time, & I work by choice during the summer so the only huge gap in my support system is that my kid is gone for a month. But I'm worried. 

I read a lot about blended families & being a stepmom these days.  In fact, I was pointed in the direction of an older website but a good one: http://www.steptogether.org/  In it I found an article about the stages of development of a blended family.  This is the stage we're in right now--I shared this article with Xing Fu & I think he would agree.  Here's an excerpt by Patricia Papernow:

Early Stages

During the early stages, the family stays divided along biological lines, with most nourishment, agreement on rules and rituals and easy connection happening within the biological subsystem(s).

In the Fantasy Stage, the adults yearn to heal the pain created by divorce or death. Both partners may imagine that because they adore each other, stepparents and stepchildren will also. Stepparents may have fantasies about marrying a nurturing parent, and biological parents may imagine that the new adult will ease the load of single parenting. Children, in contrast, often continue to have a powerful and enduring investment in seeing their parents back together or reclaiming an exclusive relationship with their single parent.

In the Immersion Stage, members of the stepfamily are faced with the reality of their new structure. Stepparents encounter unexpectedly strong and negative feelings, jealousy, resentment, confusion and inadequacy as they are subtly, but consistently, excluded by the spouse and stepchildren. The biological parent is somewhat less uncomfortable, as he has the support and nourishment of the children. The adult has the uneasy feeling that something is amiss, but can't sort out just what it is. Stepparents often conclude, it must be me.

The Awareness Stage sees stepfamilies beginning to put names on painful feelings. A better understanding about the biological parent-child bond helps stepparents to see patterns (I'm jealous not because I'm neurotic, but because I'm an outsider!). Giving up fantasies of an instant family frees the stepparent to accomplish a crucial developmental task: get to know the strangers she has joined.

The developmental tasks of the early stages include bearing the confusion and disappointment of early stepfamily living without giving up; beginning to identify and articulate the very different experience stepfamily structure creates for each individual in the stepfamily; and relinquishing fantasies enough to engage actively in the step-by-step process of building a family out of strangers. 


I really want to be a good stepmom--but as I read, I have seen some things emerge that trouble me greatly.  I can see where we are in relation to what I've read, & it is so predictable.  I've become the stepmonster.  And here's where not having my kid in my corner hurts the most--he's not here to defend me or to speak up.  I am the outsider & without him with me--I am really the outsider because no matter what I think or feel the alignment ain't gonna be with me--at least not right now.  I'm hoping that by doing this research on the stepfamily that Xing Fu & I can be more aware of the dynamics going on--there was a huge blow-up on Tuesday which further elucidated for me that I am the enemy.  I don't want to give up & as some articles suggest to "disengage" but I am getting to that point.  I knew that this blended family thing would be extremely difficult going in (one of the most difficult experiences of my life so I've heard) & I am committed to making this work, but when do I get a break?  

And the weird thing about all of this is that I am a stepdaughter too--been there, done that & yet, you'd think that I get it & in all actuality I do--I remember being at my dad's house at the age of 12 & really hating my stepmother because she changed everything!  It was her fault!  She took my dad away from me!  I'm quite sure I was a nasty & difficult SD at times--but in that situation my dad didn't help make things better.  And she wasn't the nicest to me either--she was only 9 years older than me & I think she was a pretty good example of "how not to be a good & kind stepmom".  She got better or maybe I just got older & cared less about the whole thing.  I don't want to be that SM--I don't think I am but boy do I feel like that's how my stepkids think of me right now.