Silver Lining

And I was your silver lining
High up on my toes
You were running through fields of hitch-hikers
As the story goes


Hooray hooray
I'm your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold

Hooray hooray
I'm your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold

And the grass it was a ticking
And the sun was on the rise
I never felt so wicked
As when I willed our love to die

Silver Lining--Rilo Kiley

I think Saturday was a turning point in many ways. I feel like I finally saw the silver lining so to speak & the sun came out after the storm to mix as many hackneyed metaphors as I can. Of course the black belt test signifies a new beginning, etc. but what I'm really referring to here is about my break-up. A friend of mine once remarked that in a few months time I'd be ok. That was back in April I believe & at the time I was still struggling with what happened with the bull. I have to admit that I was in love with him & such an abrupt ending ain't easy. In fact, it seriously jolted my self-esteem, my ability to judge myself in a positive light & my general happiness. People may say that I should never allow a man that kind of power but I challenge anyone to tell me that after a blow like that, & it had nothing to do with physical appearance or specific problems as a couple, just his lying, cheating self, that they don't feel a little less jaunt in their step, or struggle to feel normal again. For the past few months I feel like I've been living in a bit of a fog (I know, I know, another hackneyed phrase) but that's truly how I felt--I'd go through the motions of thinking I was ok but never really being ok.

So, as I woke up on Saturday, I just felt so much better--to quote the song--I was the silver lining & now I'm gold. The little flirty me was back & feeling quite cocky again. It felt great. Again, do I miss things--yes. But I'm fine with it. The little turn of the knife when I remember things that I liked, or stupid silver volvos, or hearing Spoon, well--I have a smile now because it was great. It was an explosive & fiery relationship & I'm glad I went through that agony & esctasy. Yes, he still is a sociopath, & yes, what he did to me was reprehensible, but I gotta admit it was one pretty awesome roller coaster ride. I can only hope that the next relationship I have is as explosive & fiery but driven by genuine love and caring. I'm quite sure it will--

It's all good, er gold.

The Underdog of Multiple Meanings

But you won't hear from the messenger,
don't wanna know bout something that you don't understand,
You got no fear of the underdog,
that's why you will not survive! (Hey!)

Spoon--The Underdog



Not flogging a dead horse, or bull, but I still reflect on last week's
explosion with a great deal of sadness.People may say that it's
time to move on & I am,  but I still sigh a lot, tear up a bit, & try
to find what was good in what occurred.
It ain't easy.  I like the piece from the song above--it is especially
appropriate on numerous levels.  First of all--it was a favorite band
of the two of us, it was my ringtone for
the bull, & the lyrics themselves just call out for interpretive
application to the situation & people.

This blog serves a great purpose.  If we take the Bull's interpretation
of relationships as winning & losing, then I am the underdog here.
I never meant for what happened as deliberate or i
ntentional--it was all purely accidental, but it
definitely outed some very bad behaviors.  The Bull continued to
harass me to take this blog down & blamed me (& it), for what
happened to his sorry ass.  Telling me that I was cruel for not
doing it, trying to bully me & make me feel guilty.  Then he changed
his tactics--imploring me, wheedling me & then saying that
I should "do the right thing".

So in an effort to move on, I have a date today.