Reflections On My Navel

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

T.S. Eliot--The Hollow Men

I have been sick for the past few days & I think I've mentioned before how being sick makes me unusually reflective. There have been a lot of endings recently & the weather, decidedly blechy, makes me rather melancholic.

Today officially marked the end of my racing season. I would have sailed tomorrow but since I have this nasty URI, I don't think it's a bit smart to go out in 10-15+ knot winds, in 40 degree weather, with a steady rain, in order to prove what a woman-stud I am. I emailed the skipper & let him know & he replied that this was pretty much it & feel better--crew party in January, see you after that in the spring (at least I don't need to upgrade my foulies now--very expensive). It was an awesome learning experience & I met some incredible people that I wouldn't have otherwise, made some new friends that I'm sure I'll see over the winter--looking forward to sailing with them all again. So not out with a bang, but a whimper as T.S. Eliot would say. Ah well..all good things must pass & now I need to concentrate on TKD for a while.

Seems like fall has ended as well--I had to put the heat on today--scary. I looked outside & I felt like I was looking at a Baltimore winter scene: cold, wet, & bleak--not even the trees turning could withstand this weird cold-snap. I am not a winter person & always struggle with the bare trees poking into the steel-gray skies from November through March/April. Perhaps I need to think about moving somewhere where there are no seasons except summer....I think I'd miss the Chesapeake Bay too much--can't afford to be a snowbird quite yet--probably never.


Currently, I am sitting in my kitchen working out a recipe for chicken & soba noodles. Cooking is a good activity for me when I am reflective. I can make something & if it's bad then at least there's no one to complain or pass out false praises--i.e. the sauce is wonderful, maybe the chicken was a wee bit salty. I am home alone, my son being at his grandparents with a friend, & unusually I have nothing really planned for this weekend. My excuse of course is that I'm sick & need time to recover. I have to admit that I need more "alone" times without distractions. I spent the last two days in my bed, sick & although I was alone, the only reflection I did was to blow my own nose. Now that I'm on the mend I can take stock...poke my head around & pick the lint out of my belly-button, analyze it & change course if I need to. One of my girlfriends(& I am honored to call her a girlfriend)--the wonderful woman I met in Amsterdam, said something quite profound to me the other day--of course what she said exactly is now lost to history but it shook me--actually a lot of what she says to me shakes me. Again, she & others touch on the drama that I seem to crave. I don't like T.S. Eliot's rendition of how the world ends--I want the roller-coaster ride & I tend to create it over & over. Soul Sister said once I figure out why I may find what I want--in the meantime I keep this wall up called drama for a reason...I have a few days to ponder it & I hope I won't distract myself--I usually do...maybe after a dinner of chicken & spicy soba I may actually think on it.

September Song

"Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always
been the two most beautiful words in the English language."
- Henry James

What happened to my summer? I am sitting with the windows open, catching the fall-like air & already, aside from the crickets, I hear geese flying overhead (maybe it has something to do with the lake close to my house..dunno). Only a couple of cicadas chirp as if their voices are already withering with the approach of the fall months. September always brings mixed emotions--I always look forward to summer--not only because it is the wrapping-up of my work(school) year but because that's when my fun begins. Even if I do work all summer. It makes me somewhat melancholy as the pool closes & the racing season draws to a close--at least there's the fall series.

This summer proved to be as memorable as last but in a slightly different way. Just a reflection on my trip to Amsterdam--it seems so recent & not almost a month past.

And although I haven't gotten any closer to finding "the one" this summer, I am strangely OK with that. In a way, all of the intensity of the summer search has faded just like the summer. I am more of a mind of if it happens, it happens. I still want to find that person, & I still believe that I will--I guess I'm just not so urgent about it. Which may be a good thing. Time to focus on me again--back to the routines of TKD, riding, & running, not to mention the gym. Working on finishing my Master's in School Leadership & juggling the responsibilities of being an IEP Chair as well as the School Support Team chair. Leadership roles in my school are becoming very important for me. Still, I have a little feeling of weltschmerz--world-weariness. I love my summers & wish they were just slightly longer.....

"The summer days are fading, as they must
From endless hours to short and fleeting light
The bird's once bright, immortal tune, now cries
A melancholy aura to the dusk
The children fiercely climb, and dream, and race
Before their wild and unchained days depart
And yet beneath the zeal lies a half heart
For there isn't time, there's only enough space
The sun seems low, a hazy orange sphere
Now reminiscing sweetly of the days
When endlessly before you summer lay
And as in the deep, crimson dusk you stir
Your soul joins with the birds in wistful brood
Crying for lost summer days, for childhood."
- Shannon Georgia Schaubroeck, The End of Summer

Significant Dates

Why is it that I seem to remember most of my ex's birthdays? I remember my ex-husband's (October 15th), my first real boyfriend's (May 12th), the first man I lived with's (March 18th), & now I can add the sociopath's (April 20th). There were more of course but these are the significant ones. It just makes me somewhat melancholic--none of these worked out for various reasons yet I still have the memories. As the birthdays go by, I pause & think about each man or boy-depending, & what they contributed to my life. How do I feel about them now--is it still painful or have I moved well beyond them? My ex--well he looks far, far older than his 43 years & frankly Karma has not been good to him--I'm so over that. My first boyfriend--well if he were to pop back into my life I think I'd be beyond thrilled--definitely unresolved feelings there. He's 39--yep, I robbed the cradle my senior year of High School. Caused a bit of a scandal too. And then there's the drunk from Missouri I lived with for 18 months--that one took me a while to remember his birthday--he was an alcoholic so most birthdays were no fun with him. He just turned 48. Of course today's candidate is too fresh so right now I'm tickled that the asshole had a crappy weather day for his 49th birthday. Serves him right that it poured & was chilly. He fucking deserves it!