Caution: Merge ahead

Our move is only 3 days away & we've all been crammed into Xing Fu's smallish condo since last Saturday--tensions are bound to crop up as we try to figure all of this out.  It is a very good thing that we're going to move to a completely new space together when we merge our families--no one has territorial connections & we have to all start from scratch.  Because while we're living at Xing Fu's we're not in our own space & boy can I tell you about territorialism! This past weekend, Xing Fu's children's little dog (about the size of our cat), came to the condo with the girls.  This is what ensued:

 My cat flipped out!  I think we made a tactical error by having the dog here in such a smallish space.  The poor cat hid for most of the weekend & still is off his feed.  Poor cat--we've managed to rock his little world twice in the space of one week--he never knew what hit him....

I think my son & I are grieving a little bit for our house.  I think for different reasons but we're grieving nonetheless. I think that's one thing going through my kid's head--this just ain't his space.  Plus he's no longer an "only" child.  Now he'll be third of four.  Instant siblings!  And, for quite a few years now, it's only been him & me--no other adult to have to contend with--that's gotta rock someone's world to be sure! All this thrust upon him plus moving has got to be tough--I'm just trying to normalize it for him.  But he is feeling it acutely. As a result, I've been doing a little research on blended families & this is what I came up with from Helpguide.org & the authors:Gina Kemp, M.A., Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Lawrence Robinson. :

• Changes in family relationships. If both parents remarry partners with existing families, it can mean children suddenly find themselves with different roles in two blended families. For example, one child may be the eldest in one stepfamily but the youngest in the other. Blending families may also mean one child loses his or her uniqueness as the only boy or girl in the family.
• Difficulty in accepting a new parent. If children have spent a long time in a one-parent family, or if children still nurture hopes of reconciling their parents, it may be difficult for them to accept a new person.
• Coping with demands of others. In blended families planning family events can get complicated, especially when there are custody considerations to take into account. Children may grow frustrated that vacations, parties, or weekend trips now require complicated arrangements to include their new stepsiblings.

Wow, seems to me that there is a piece of each of these issues right now for us--awareness is half the battle, I suppose.  And the answers--well certainly not easy, but eventually I think doable if everyone is committed to making it work. I think the foremost response is open communication & building trust.  The authors have this to say with regard to that:

The way a blended family communicates says a lot about the level of trust between family members. When communication is clear, open, and frequent, there are fewer opportunities for misunderstanding and more possibilities for connection, whether it is between parent and child, step-parent and stepchild, or between stepsiblings.

Uncertainty and worry about family issues often comes from poor communication. It might be helpful to set up some ‘house rules’ for communication within a blended family, such as:

• Listen respectfully to one another.
• Address conflict positively.
• Establish an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere.
• Do things together – games, sports, activities.
• Show affection to one another comfortably.

And finally, "create family rituals & establish routines. Decide on meaningful family rituals and plan to incorporate at least one into your blended family. They might include Sunday visits to the beach, a weekly game night, or special ways to celebrate a family birthday. Establishing regular family meals, for example, offers a great chance for you to talk and bond with your children and stepchildren as well as encourage healthy eating habits."  We've been doing family meals for about a year now--every Sunday that Xing Fu has his children, we've come over or they've come to our house for dinner.  I think it has helped us a great deal to have that ritual & I certainly hope that it continues into the future.  So we seem to be on the right track in many ways but it will be an uphill climb that will be a challenge for everyone involved.  

Strange to look back on this blog history & see how much has changed for all of us in the 2 1/2 years we've been together--it's been worth it!

Pushing Back

• The connection between Cancer and Taurus is likely to be immediate - it’s almost as if one is a missing part of the other and they need to be reconnected. Straight away they will know how to interact with each other and will have no problems finding things to talk about.
• When Cancer and Taurus get together sparks will fly - in a good way. These two have a very strong physical desire for each other that’s hard for them to fight...but then why should they?
• These two complement each just fine - Taurus is likely to be able to bring some discipline and order to Cancer who simply wants to have fun. Cancer’s fun-loving attitude will bright a lot of light into Taurus’ life--

--Cancer-Taurus Compatibility



You know when you've got a great thing going & then you do something stupid?  I didn't go that far but I certainly could have.  But since our relationship has been very honest & open from the start, instead of making a bad choice, we talked. I am so happy that we feel comfortable enough & trust each other from the start.  I put the Cancer-Taurus compatibility there because it is so true--we've always thought about the "missing puzzle pieces" that we think that people are always seeking...reference to both Hedwig & the Angry Inch & the song "Such Great Heights".  The fact that the above excerpt brings that thinking to light just confirms things even more.  Which brings me to my specific point about being able to feel comfortable about talking about something that could have caused problems between us.

This past weekend Xing Fu was out of town & I was left to my own devices--not a bad thing but for some reason, I think I may have subconsciously missed my old single status.  I tend to be a bit flirty anyway & recently I've toned it down considerably for obvious reasons.  I think I missed it & so I may have encouraged a few guys that I needed to not encourage.  Nothing came of it but I felt a bit guilty.  That's the push back--me potentially sabotaging something amazing--in fact an old "friend" & I were planning on getting together this week while Xing Fu is away on business--kinda risky but here's where old patterns have changed--rather than hide it, I brought it up to talk about the whole thing.  I'm glad I did--it brought us closer together & we understand each other that much more--a very good thing.  Plus, we do trust one another--so he knows that nothing will happen to destroy something so good.  He also understands why I may be flirty--where that comes from--believe me, I so much prefer things the way they are now--the single thing--so done with it!  But that doesn't mean that a part of me mourns it just an eensy bit...


This week will be difficult while Xing Fu is away as I'll definitely miss him, but I am looking forward to Friday & the weekend as we are going to see Nada Surf & finally have a weekend that we can spend together--just us...wonderful.

Man & Mulderbosch

Ever since my divorce I've bought wine. At first it was the "Two Buck Chuck" kind & then I moved on to the Yellowtail types. Soon after I started working for BCPS(S) I expanded my wine collection beyond the baseline--not because my job drove me to drink mind you, just because there was a great little wine store right near my school. I began to read the magazines for the best values & found that a good Pinot Noir was all that was needed to make me quite happy. Now I think I have a "cellar" that can hold its own--from decent Chardonnays to Vouvrays to a lovely local Cabernet Franc from Boordy. What is the absolute best thing about my wines is the fact that now my BFFs appreciate them at least as much as I do & look forward to our Best Friend's Wine Tasting every Saturday. Now however, I have wines in my house that I need to drink--they are reminders that I do not want & make me sad. As I was drinking a glass of Man Pinotage 2006 this evening, trying to erase its existence without wasting it, (it really is quite good by the way), I couldn't help thinking about certain people. Yes, I know, but....

My mind wandered a bit thinking what if I had gotten back with him--what would that look like? Maybe for a month things would have been wonderful--I imagine a level of attentiveness that would have been beyond what I'd experienced before--I would be ecstatic & on the clouds....Would've gone to see Ozomatli most likely. But, like the last episode of Ugly Betty where all of the girls in the bar have numbers on their chests indicating which lover they were from 1 to 159, & they all whispered in Matt's ear, as soon as a call went unanswered or he showed up late, or he disappointed me in even a minor way, I would be on the edge of crazy-woman again. I don't like myself that way at all. I would always be suspicious of him--where he was, what he was doing when we weren't together--it would make me so anxious & on edge. Never trusting him completely. Always asking questions. I couldn't live my life with him that way....which is why I won't.