Will You Cheat?

I came across this infographic about cheating. Very interesting. Especially the large testicles. Question: How many women are now going to inspect their man's testes??? Answer: All of the women who live in DC! *SNORT*

 

Separation Anxiety

Came across this on Huffpost today. Pretty spot on so I thought I'd share as it has been since 2004 when my ex & I separated & I could've used some of these wise words:

 

20 Things I Wish I Could Have Told My Newly Separated Self

by Jackie Pilossoph

As I look back on myself as a newly separated 41-year-old with two young children, I realize now how utterly lost I was. Those first several months were brutal. Not only was I trying to navigate the waters of divorce, dealing with the ups and downs of litigation and mediation, but I was also trying to heal my broken heart, and at the same time trying to find my way to a happier life.

It was like a roller coaster, and I remember that winter, I got the worst flu I've ever had in my life -- probably my body's reaction to months and months of some of the worst stress I can ever remember.
Had I had someone like me (a divorce blogger and someone who has been there) to give myself some good advice, it would have been nice! A lot of stress, probably most of it, stems from the fear of the unknown, so if someone would have given me a few nuggets of advice, it really would have been useful.
So, here are 20 things I wish I could have told my newly separated self.
1. This isn't going to be easy. Put on your seatbelt and go for the ride. Try to enjoy the non-bumpy times, because there aren't many, but some parts of the journey are wonderful, believe it or not.
2. Your ex is hurting too. And he's angry. Try to be understanding of erratic, unreasonable behavior. I'm not saying accept it. It's not okay. Just understand why it's happening.
3. Getting divorced doesn't make you a failure so stop looking at it that way.
4. Be careful who you talk to. Airing your dirty laundry to the wrong people could have consequences.
5. Reach out to the people who love you. They want to be there for you. Don't sit in a room and cry by yourself all the time. There are times you need to call up your girlfriend and just sob.
6. You won't be alone and single when you're 70, so stop worrying about it.
7. Your kids are going to act out, cry a lot, and possibly be angry. It's your fault for getting a divorce but their behavior isn't YOUR fault and it doesn't mean you made a mistake getting divorced. Deal with it the best you can and get your kids therapy if you think it will help them. Don't feel guilty.
8. Your ex will have a girlfriend in the next two weeks. Be prepared. And, he will still be cold and distant to you, no matter how blissful he seems with her.
9. Your in-laws will act like strangers to you. Be prepared to be in shock when they treat you like the scum of the earth.
10. Some of your friends will stop calling you or returning your calls. Don't take it personally. Your divorce is THEIR issue.
11. Some of your friends will start calling you and want to get together to hear the dirt on why you got separated. After one get together, you will never hear from them again.
12. Start doing yoga. Today.
13. You're going to get calls from your attorney telling you what is happening in your case. Some calls will cause you to cry so hard you will hyperventilate. Remember that it will all turn out fine if you make good, ethical choices, be the best mom (or dad) you can be and don't break the law.
14. You're going to meet a lot of men who will paint a bleak picture of what the dating scene after divorce is like. Trust me, there are good ones out there! Don't lose hope.
15. One night, you will be out and you won't be expecting anything, and a guy who you never thought would be interested in you will be. And it will make you feel young again and sexy and pretty!
16. There will be so many nights you will feel exhausted and feel like things will never get any better. They will.
17. If someone other than your soon-to-be ex tells you that you should consider getting on anti-depressants, consider that they might be right.Many men and women go on medication for the short term during the beginning of a divorce. There's no shame in it!
18. Worrying doesn't really do anything except cause sickness and disease and make you feel depressed.
19. Whenever you feel extreme anger, sadness, depression or anxiety, do one of two things: go to the gym or write in a journal. Just do it. Don't even think twice. Those two things are guaranteed temporary remedies.
20. Don't lose sight of other things going on in the world, or your friends and family's lives. Your divorce isn't the center of the universe.

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of the blog, Divorced Girl Smiling. She is also the author of her new divorce novel with the same name, as well as her other divorce novel, FREE GIFT WITH PURCHASE. Ms. Pilossoph is a weekly business features reporter and columnist for Sun-Times Media. She lives in Chicago with her two kids. Oh, and she's divorced!

Follow Jackie Pilossoph on Twitter: www.twitter.com/

Post-Divorce Dating

I really like this blog post from Huffington Post blogger Magda Pecsenye.  She talks about the guys that women will date & what they ought to be like.  It is a very encouraging post. But first I want to chat about the guys who a newly minted post-divorce dater may run up against.  When I began dating after divorce I really ran into some doozies. Pecsenye talks about "The Dude Who Never Learned".  Yeah, I seemed to find a lot of those guys.  Scratching their heads wondering why their marriages failed--chasing the younger chicks--very young chicks, & wondering why you don't fawn all over him when he brags about his car, boat, job, money, etc., etc.  In other words, a very superficial guy who learned NOTHING from his failed marriage.  Yikes!!  These men are often the "confirmed bachelors" who never found the perfect girl. Any of you newly single post-divorce women out there--make sure you recognize the signs--they can be very charming & a lot of fun but there will never be a future.  Expect that the previously married ones have accounts with Ashley Madison & are always looking for, as my friend C says, "the bigger, better, deal" or BBD. 

Eventually, you may tire of these guys & actually start to look at some of the options that you passed on early on.  These guys may not be the most exciting at first glance but they turn out to be just about perfect for the reasons that Pecsenye points out in "6 Things About the Men You'll Date After Divorce".
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/magda-pecsenye/dating-after-divorce_b_4545869.html?utm_hp_ref=dating-after-divorce 

She's right--basically, these guys do "really like you."  They're appreciative of who you are & what you have to offer, warts & all.  They are honest & do not play games.  Who has time for that crap?  I don't.  One of the reasons I liked Xing Fu was because he was honest.  There are no hidden agendas--I've said that about him before. And as far as I know there are no Ashley Madison accounts....And, when Pecseyne talks about not texting or calling--it has nothing to do with nefarious intent & everything to do with being busy with kids, work, a Duke basketball game--Xing Fu always, always got back to me.  Yeah, he's really obsessed during March Madness, but I've decided it is a lot of fun & I look forward to it as well--something that we can share. What you see is what you get--that is all.  

Here are a few other reasons right from the post--

 
They might be hurt. Whether it's stuff from a previous marriage and divorce, stress from being single for so long, work and life pressure, or just the normal crap that happens to boys that they're not allowed to talk about but that they bring with them into manhood, men this age are unlikely to not have something hurting them that they carry around without realizing it. That means that sometimes their urge is to self-protection, and that doesn't mean that they don't trust you or don't want to be with you. It just means that they aren't perfect, and that they could use a friend. If you two can become real friends -- the kind of friends who help each other heal by being honest and trustworthy and loyal -- then you'll both have someone to trust, whether or not you end up together romantically.
They like sex. And they're radically better at sex than they were 10 or 15 years ago. They're better at individual acts, at pacing, at appreciating your body, at paying attention to what's working for you, at doing something explosive together. They have a more mutual view of pleasure than they did when they were younger, and they're more confident in themselves and their bodies. They're really happy to be having sex with you, and they're happy that you want it with them.
They're good at their jobs, but it's not how they identify themselves. By now they've done the whole "master of the universe" career-building thing, so they've gotten really good at what they do. But they've also figured out that it's not the only thing that gives them identity, and isn't the most important thing about them. This gives them confidence, but also makes them more interesting to talk to than guys in their 20s who self-identify by their job titles. Men over 35 will tell you what their jobs are, but then they talk about "what they do," whether it's hang out with their kids, play soccer, take pictures, or whatever else has their heart instead of just their working hours.

Those guys are out there--believe me, I should know.  I'm very lucky to have found one.  

OOPS!

OK, so maybe in chasing the fun & interesting story, I may have fabricated in the telling.  To those that I may have caused concern, my apologies.  It will not happen again.

Maryland Winery Tour

Black Ankle

Yesterday was a perfect day to drive out to Western Maryland. Sailing friends of ours (who we've become very close to), drove up from 'Naptown mid-morning & we piled into my car for the drive out to Frederick.  Our destinations: Black Ankle Winery http://www.blackankle.com/ & Serpent Ridge Wineryhttp://www.serpentridge.com/ . Just can't beat going to the vineyards themselves.  And I keep saying rather vociferously that Maryland wines are really quite good--I have become especially enamored of Boordy (belong to their wine club), Black Ankle (belong to their wine club now), & Serpent Ridge (no wine club to join). We arrive at Black Ankle & settle in for the wine tasting--I have to say that the tasting room was something right out of Napa/Sonoma.  The entire structure was eco-friendly & locally sourced--right from the vineyard--from the walls constructed from the clay to the tasting bars made from old vines. It was incredibly beautiful just like the wines that they produce.  Ever since I first tried their Crumbling Rock in their first vintage in 2006, I have been a huge fan.  My other fav of theirs is the Syrah.  In my wine cellar I still have 2 bottles of their award-winning '06 Syrah--so smooth & oh, so amazing. I decided that after buying so much at a wine shop at home, it was time to bite the bullet just like I had for Boordy http://www.boordy.com/ & join their wine club as well.  And I'm glad I did because after December there will now be a wait-list for Black Ankle's wine club.  Being on a wait-list sucks--I've been on Kosta Brown's wait-list for 2 years now....but that indicates just how good these wines are.  Anyway, we all sat down & had a great spread with a Syrah & their last year's vintage Passegiatta.  Everything is locally sourced so we had two beautiful cheeses: Cherry Glen's Monocacy Ash (Incredible), & from South Mountain Creamery, Mountaintop Bleu.  Olives, & great crusty bread from a nearby bakery.  YUM! And I didn't even mention the chocolates from Frederick--A-may-zing!!

We could've stopped there, but I was on a mission to also get to a new up & coming winery: Serpent Ridge.  I have fallen in love with their blend named Basilisk--blend of Cabernet Sauvignon & Cabernet Franc.  So we load up into my car & decide to make a little detour to Elk Run which is just down the street from Black Ankle.  My criticism is that Elk Run's wines try very hard but just don't cut it in my book.  I will say that the Cabernet Sauvignon Liberty Tavern Estate Reserve was quite good.  Thumbs up to that one.  It may be woth it to go give them a fresh taste first but that didn't blur for my enjoyment of the Serpent Ridge wines which we had third...so I don't know...

Serpent Ridge--for a new vineyard is producing some good stuff.  Loved the Vintner's Cabernet but the Basilisk is what I came for--so good!

All of this wine experience brings me to the end--a little chat about Boordy--pretty close to home with probably the best Cabernet Franc that I've ever had.  Maryland is just perfect for growing Cab Franc & Boordy has outdone themselves with the Cabernet Franc Reserve--only available now to wine club members so unless you've got a friend, you won't be able to try this truly outstanding wine. The others that I enjoy are the Landmark Reserve, South Mountain Red, & the Dry Rose.  

Bottom line--there are some wonderful Maryland Wineries out there--I plan to visit more--been to quite a lot but the list is growing.  I am a huge supporter of local wines & need to expand to the Eastern Shore, but so far, loving where I've visited thus far.  It certainly helps that I got to enjoy these places with great friends!   

My Marriage Reality

An article has been circulating around the 'net recently--dare I say it--gone viral, entitled "Marriage isn't for You".  http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/  On first blush (heh), I quite liked ALL that was said--why wouldn't I?  It implied that the man should put his girl first, & everyone else for that matter, but I'm getting away from my train of thought....I do love the sentiment though.  The basic idea came from his dad who said, " I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”  Nice!  Who wouldn't want your man doing all he can for you??  But it won't work.  Evah!  Not to say to be all Debbie Downer, but let's be realistic here.  What man will willingly debase himself like that & be pussy-whipped for a woman?  I don't know too many of them....bet you don't either.  Instead, I like to think that marriage, or any serious long-term, committed relationship is a 60-40 proposition--otherwise known as the 60-40 rule.  I've talked about this before--sometimes you give 60% & your SO gives the 40.  And sometimes that is reversed--just depends on the situation & the partner's need at the time.  And, what I really take from this little incredibly loving statement to his wife, is that marriage really is hard work.  As the author Seth Adam Smith says, "It (his father's advice) went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one."   I agree 100% with that statement.  People will so easily cast aside their relationship & are unwilling often to do the hard work.  

So lo & behold, across the web comes the counter article: Why Man's 'Marriage Isn't For You' Essay Misses the Mark. http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/why-man-s--marriage-isn-t-for-you--essay-misses-the-mark-201042173.html  And I definitely agree with this excerpt:

According to Andrea Bonior, PhD, a Washington, D.C.-based licensed clinical psychologist, Smith's intention may be good, but his message is muddled. “People live crazy, hectic lives, so taking time to appreciate your partner and the commitment you made to each other is a positive thing,” she tells Yahoo Shine. “However, marriage is not just about one person's needs." Science substantiates that: One recent study conducted by Monmouth University found that couples who focus on their own personal growth, as opposed to their partner's, are more committed and enjoy longer marriages.

Reality check.  The rest of the article discusses what the consequences could be if the advice is taken literally--abusive spouse?  Do you bend over & take that or is there a time when enough is enough?  Mentally ill to the point of incapacitation?  Emotional abuse?  See where I'm going here?  I believe that Smith wrote the article for the marriages that face the daily slings & arrows....and being reminded of how important it is to love one another, & work through the issues is always a good thing.

In the end however, it is this little facebook thingy that I liked the most:

 An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

Vote For Me!

Hi all out there in the blogosphere!  It's that time of year again when I ask my readers to give back a little by going & voting for my blog daily.  Yep, it's time for the Mobbies (Maryland's Outstanding Blogs) 2013.  Last year I made it to the top 5 in Best Personal--I'd love to make it higher this year.  So I am asking for all of you readers to step up & cast your vote!  And, you don't have to live in Charm City to spread the love....

As it stands, having been nominated again has helped me move past some of the old writer's block & show a little motivation to write more.  Always a good thing because allowing all that jumble of my brain to fester without an outlet just is not good... 

I thank you for your support--just click on the badge top right to log on to vote--just that easy!