Loneliness & Social Media

So I was sitting here on Monday scratching my head for a new blog post to share with the world & it kinda fell in my lap via my son.  He has recently joined the blogging fray--he writes about his religious views or rather, his lack of religion.  Which is ok--we are not a religious family by any stretch of the imagination but I would say that we ascribe to a "culturally Jewish" mindset & I think my son would agree with that statement.  But his blog or his religious views are not the point of this post but rather a video that he posted on his blog.  If any are interested here is a link to his blog: http://reasonoverdogma.blogspot.com/

Anyway, my son posted this video from vimeo regarding the new "loneliness" that has been brought about by all of our electronics & social media addictions. Here is a link:  http://vimeo.com/70534716
To some degree I agree with the video but I also dissent.  I happen to love social media & utilize it readily--blogging anyone?  I have found that while yes, 320 of my nearest & dearest are my friends on facebook, it doesn't stop me from having real social interactions with those who count the most (I just insulted half of my friends on FB).  In some ways I feel that social media enhances my relationships. For example, if I posted some beach pics from instagram on facebook, checked in on foursquare at Surf Bagel, etc., invariably when I see a friend they say something like, "I saw your vacay pics on facebook & it looks like you guys had a good time.  I've been meaning to go to Surf Bagel when I'm in Lewes. Is it really that good?"  (btw, Surf Bagel really IS that good) So, a lot of times my posts help create a face-to-face conversation. Additionally, social media has brought me back in touch with some folk that I haven't seen in years--just recently a visit from one of my college friends from Michigan--inspiring a real conversation & interaction. We went to Boordy Vineyards to enjoy a wine tasting of great Maryland Wines, & yeah, I checked in on foursquare, & took a pic for instagram, but again, without my electronics, all of that may not have happened. And, truth be told, I tend to use facebook as picture storage & organization--it is a great place to put pictures & they are organized in a handy-dandy timeline!  Honestly, like everything else, I feel there is a middle ground.  

Very good points are to be made in the video.  Sometimes, during the course of our vacation at the beach, I would look around & EVERYONE was on some sort of electronic device.  People may have been sitting next to one another on the couch, but each person was in their own little world: I was watching old Merry Melodies on my ipad, my kid was playing a video game on his laptop across from me, his best friend was reading a book on his kindle, & one of my stepdaughters was watching netflix on her iphone.  It didn't happen often, & at one point all 10 of us crammed around the cocktail table in the living room to play Cards Against Humanity--very interactive, as well as Snorta!, & Cranium, so it wasn't ALL isolation....like I said--a happy medium.  

One final thought--as the video points out, texts, tweets, emails, blog posts, etc., can most definitely be edited before posting them while a real conversation cannot.  I think that online dating suffers from this phenomenon. (Yup, gotta bring this back to the overarching theme of this blog) Your online profile is not the real you & while I think online dating has helped so many people connect that probably would not have, I am very happy that Xing Fu & I actually connected the old fashioned way--he knew the real me & not some hyped up profile of what I wanted others to believe was me.  My advice to online daters is this: Be wary of the profiles that you see--don't allow ongoing back & forth emails, insist on having that real conversation in person very quickly--it really is like meeting someone in a bar for the first time--you never emailed or texted for hours before you met that dude at the grocery store--it was a totally random occurrence. If the guy is willing to meet you very soon after a few emails or a phone conversation at a Starbucks for a "mini-date", then that is a good thing.  Do it!  I did a lot of that for my 50 first dates.  I recently read that what I encountered as an online dater is not as rare as had I thought--many people have 1 or 2 first dates & move on--social media & online dating sites can eventually help you to find the right guy. But don't allow the search or the long drawn out online courtship that eventually goes nowhere create the loneliness & isolation that the video discusses.  Go out & live! I'm also very interested in what others think of the video--comments please!

Vaycay? You Decide!

Last week we all went to the beach for a week.  I mean we ALL went to the beach....all 10 of us!  I have come to appreciate my mom & dad for all the work they did when we were growing up or when, as grown-ups, all of the sisters & their families descended on the house in Lewes for a "few days."  YIKES!!  Here's the break-down: me, Xing Fu, 2 of his daughters, my son, my BFF(J) and her kids (my son's best friend & her daughter), and 2 friends of my stepdaughter's.  I needed a vaycay from my vaycay...just sayin'.  
Top 10 Reasons I Need A Vaycay From My Vacation:
10. Getting up at dawn to make lunch for 10
9. Making 10 wraps with various innards
8. Organizing towels, books, frisbees, sunscreen
7. Packing coolers
6.  Packing car with coolers, beach chairs, bags, books, hats, etc., etc.
5. Apres beach: unpacking coolers, chairs, bags, hats, etc., etc.
4. Grocery shopping!  Everyday!
3. Preparing dinner & cleaning up dinner after the clean-up crew has finished (you know what I mean)
2. Drying towels, bathing suits
1. Evening entertainment: driving to ice cream, boardwalk, shopping, movies, etc., etc.
Additional requirements: cleaning up house after 10 people, making sure nothing is broken, doing laundry: sheets, towels, all dishes clean, putting all bikes, chairs, kayaks, etc. back in storage, locking up, leaving.

Did I say that being on the beach at Cape Henlopen was beautiful?  Absolutely!  Was it great fun?  Indeed!  But when I came home I felt like I'd been working much of the week-whew! I have to say though it was fun to see everyone hanging out, just spending time together.  I enjoyed having the time with my BFF(J), & now, with all of our collective kids being older, not having to be concerned with having to entertain them too much.  We provide the opportunities, but they do the rest.  If we'd done this 7-10 years ago, I think it would have been MUCH harder to do. I'm not complaining, I did have times of relaxation but I'm looking forward to when Xing Fu & I go on vacation--alone!

Teamwork

So the last post was about what NOT to do.  This one is inspired by long term commitment. I read a lot of stuff out there on the 'net having to do with relationship advice.  Some is good but most is very superficial.  And of course I've joined the fray...but I often write this stuff to look at my own relationship & remind myself of what we do right & what we need to improve. Sometimes I come across an article that is really good.  The one that I'm going to write about today stands out.  It talks about longevity in a relationship.  How the successful ones last.  It also starts with a quote from a philosopher I've run into before, Paul Tillich.  He says, "Any deep relationship to another human being requires watchfulness and nourishment."  Simple but oh, so hard to do! Here is the link to the full article by Victor M. Parachin--read it & tell me what you think, if you dare! I will add what stood out for me below.  http://www.yourtango.com/2013188786/10-secrets-successful-couples 

Number one is to enjoy each other--HUGE!  The fact that both Xing Fu & I love to sail & see live music brings us together quite a bit.  And we enjoy talking to each other--finding out what each other thinks, what drives one another.  Even discussing articles such as this one--if I come across advice that I like, I send it on.  I think that it is very good to be able to reflect on what you do well as a couple & what needs improvement--the mere fact that Xing Fu is willing to discuss this stuff brings me to the next piece of advice that I liked:
Being in it for the long haul.  Yep, my last post was all about those folks who may be deluding themselves into thinking that they had a lasting relationship & starting to recognize why they do not.  This one is about what being in it for the long haul is all about.  Some folk out there make a commitment when they marry but in the back of their minds they think things like, "well, if it doesn't work, we can always get a divorce."  The irony of course is that both Xing Fu & I come from unsuccessful marriages.  But I think that our approach is very different this time around--we talk about it.  We don't run away.  We look for ways to improve & we reflect on what we do well & need to do better as I've stated above.  We try to follow the advice of the article on fighting skillfully, & learning to seek & offer forgiveness (very hard for both of us--we are quite hardheaded). 

I hope that we continue to work to try to fix things and grow together as we go.

The last pieces of advice that I want to remark on are the first, & what you might think is obvious, but is oftentimes forgotten--never stop dating each other.  Keep the romance in--I like that we go to hear music & make it into a "date night" with dinner too.  Or that every once in a while we take a weekend just for ourselves--when we went to Front Royal, Va to pick up the writing desk where I'm currently sitting & stayed at a lovely & very romantic B&B.  

And the last is called the 60/40 rule.  I'll allow the article to speak for itself.  This one is new to me & when I shared it with Xing Fu, we both thought that it was something to try in the future:

Successful couples adhere to the 60/40 rule. Boggs and Miller also discovered that "marriage masters" have a high level of selflessness. "Walter" whom they interviewed, told them, "I'll never forget what my mentor told my wife and me before we got married 42 years ago. He looked at us and said, 'Most people think marriage is 50/50. It's not. It's 60/40. You give 60. You take 40. And that goes for both of you." It was a principle Walter and his wife adhered to faithfully.

Xing Fu's interpretation is this, "When you think that you're giving 50% but things aren't resolving, you may need to give a little more." And be willing to do so when necessary.  We have a partnership & sometimes one partner needs to give more than the other--it will balance out in the end & it will also allow for growing together & deepening the intimacy rather than the sometimes adversarial face-off that can occur. This skill ain't easy but we're working on it--we never had a name for what we do, but this one makes sense.

There are other "secrets" in the article but I'll allow you to discover the rest.  I'm interested in any other thoughts people may have.  Let me know.

Maturity

Recently, I've had a lot of time to think--simply because it's the summer, my kid's been in Israel for a month, & I only work 2 days a week.  There just ain't a lot to do--especially while swimming laps at the pool--thinking just creeps in, ya' know?  Anyhow, I digress & I haven't even started.  But I've been thinking about all of my past relationships & how they compare to my current one.  I hate to say it but I think this one is my first really mature relationship.  Here I am, 46 years old & up until this point I've been floundering in a morass of immature, often, destructive relationships...sigh. I've been thinking about this because of some of the folks around me & their current situations.  Comparisons abound & when I look at what these people are going through, I wince because at some point that was me & like them, I never recognized the toxicity of the relationship.  And now, observing my current situation, & no it ain't perfect by any stretch, but I can definitely say that it is mature.  Can you step back & look at what is going on? Signs that your romantic relationship is immature:

1. You keep breaking up & then reuniting.  This could be due to the fact that your guy keeps cheating on you or asks for space or isn't able to discuss anything that causes issues in the relationship....

2. You argue constantly.  OK, everyone has disagreements & sometimes they get a bit heated, but is it everyday?  Are you able to even discuss a problem with respect & without disintegrating into name-calling? You get my point--conflict happens, but how you deal with the process is what's telling.

3. You feel disconnected.  Emotionally, physically, proximity--as in he's never available by phone, email, or even for a date....and when you bring it up, he gets defensive and/or secretive.  You're sick, you need a ride to the doctor, your car broke down & you need a ride to the mechanic but he can't help--evah. A man who is emotionally unavailable is very immature about your relationship--if he's unwilling to talk about what bothers you...ever, run, don't walk to the nearest exit!  

4. You are always suspicious.  What is he doing? With whom? Why didn't he text, call, email?  Why didn't he tell me he loves me?  Why didn't he take me out? Why haven't I met his friends, family yet & we've been together ____ months? Get it?

5. You feel like it's just game-playing.  See all of the above--this is player behavior!

6. You haven't developed a real friendship.  A mature relationship is based on an underlying friendship that grows deeper over time. Sex & attraction is important, but do you enjoy each other as companions?  'nuff said!

7. You don't show affection.  This could be in public--I'm not saying an all-out make-out session a la middle school--I'm just saying hand holding, a kiss in the parking lot of the Giant, or a shoulder rub as you sit at Merriweather watching a concert.  That kind of thing.  A mature guy is not afraid of a little PDA.  

8. You never look beyond the current interaction.  In other words, you have no future plans--for another date if it is a relatively new relationship, or for a trip somewhere together, if you've been with this person for a while.  Or even, you don't see him, or you, intertwining your futures--

9. You are supplementing them. If you are giving money, "therapy", a place to live, etc., and not getting anything in return.  Yes, couples need to be there for each other but not provide a place to live without a prior agreement of living together, and/or giving money to that person because they're short every month, or providing "therapy" instead of support emotionally.  This is over-the-top. Mature relationships do not have this kind of one-sidedness.  It is very shared.  Yes, emergencies do come up but it not quite such a land-slide in one direction.

10. You believe that it will get better.  If all of the above circumstances apply to you & your sig other....It won't!  End it!

I'm no therapist myself, but the old adage, "been there, done that" applies.  I'd rather throw in my two cents than to sit idly by & watch the destruction.  Good luck, & I hope I can help even a little bit.  And everyone who wants a good, loving relationship deserves to have one!

Back From the Territories

Yup, I'm back. I'd "flipped" into the Territories. I took an extended leave of absence to kinda figure out where I was going, what I was doing, & decide whether or not I wanted to continue.  And obviously, I do since I've turned back on the all or nothing button for readers. I unintentionally caused a bit of grief for some folk & even though I was honest & tried to tread carefully, I was hurtful to one person in particular that I wish I hadn't upset.  Insert apology here..... The other person in the drama was just out to cause unnecessary pain & to that person I will NOT apologize.  Anyway, 'nuff said, it is in the past.

So why am I back?  Well I'll tell 'ya.  I enjoyed writing this blog--for the most part it was cathartic & fun--especially those misguided moments in life that you just gotta say, WTF?  I think I lost track of that somewhere so I now attempt to get back on board & perhaps curtail the stepmom stuff for someplace else.  Where exactly?  I don't know just yet--perhaps another blog which will be by invite only.  We'll see--as it stands, the stepfamily stuff is kinda' just rolling along & yeah, there are bumps but there ain't no mountains currently--a very good thing. "So now (cheesy grin) I'm back, from outer space..."

I was also prompted by some past articles I've happened across about relationships, etc. & wanted to share them & had nowhere to go. Anyhoo, here goes!

Do you have the perfect boyfriend/partner?  And no, it ain't a body like the new Superman or humor a la Fred Armisen (who is leaving SNL incidentally).  I really liked this article from Match.com by Amy Spencer because it does point out some of the enduring qualities that a partner has that makes them "perfect".  http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=12759&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=876307 

The entire article is a good one--not so sure about the frequency notes, but in general, I agree with what she has to say.  And, after reading the article, I don't have to train Xing Fu too much to achieve a lot of what is written.  Lucky me!  And no, he ain't perfect, believe me, but in this area, he does come close (the roses last week for no reason, e.g.).  I was especially touched by the first entry:

"Gives Us Butterflies in the Beginning"--yup--we all like those new romance stomach flip-flops but it was the end of the entry that really caught my eye:
 ...those fluttery feelings in the beginning of a new romance are important. Relationships can be hard at times, and one way to endure the rough patches is having that little spark of high-school variety puppy love to fall back on. The perfect guy provides his partner with that feeling.

Xing Fu always accuses me of being very nostalgic--guilty as charged!  But one of the things that I reflect on, are those first feelings of realization that I was falling for him & that the feeling was mutual. Even a few years later.  In fact, I was reading some old FB messages this morning & there it was!  The funny tickle in my tummy--nice that it still happens & I sent him an email just to tell him that I had those fuzzies--we all need to tell our significant others when those feelings come--makes you appreciate the relationship that much more.  

OK--now I'm done & hopefully there will be more soon.  Happy Summer!  

Maybe some sailing stories too....don't tempt me!

 

 

Wednesday Night Racing....Again(Nostalgia Post)

Today would have been my grandfather's 103rd birthday. My amazing Pops who loved nothing more than to be out on a sailboat. He is my hero--and I hope I've done him proud over these past 5 years, obsessively racing on a bunch of sailboats.  Last night was the opening race of the Wednesday Night Series on the West River. So glad to be back out there.  As I looked around at the scenery (rare when so focused on getting the boat to go faster), I also recognized in me that same feeling:  There is no other place I'd rather be than sailing. 

Four years ago almost to the date, I met Xing Fu for the first time down on the West River.  My son & I used to drive down every other Wednesday to race & I remember the first time we went down there (also because I mention the time in a blog post) & I saw Xing Fu--it was cold & wet & he had on his foulies with a knit cap--too cute. Granted, never thought too much beyond that for that season but look where we are now.  And last night we sailed together again down there & I also realized that there is no other person that I'd rather be sailing/racing with. So a tribute to my Pops & a tribute to the West River where I found my passion renewed.  I also recently revisited past posts about sailing--I have learned a TON from that first post & the first race back out--reading about my Miles River experience on the Catalina 27 & how handling the kite was really baffling at the time & how the set & douse were beyond me.  Even my vocabulary has changed as well as my knowledge of the tweaks in the sail trim. I love how I've grown into the sport again & I love that I have a partner who loves it at least as much as me.  Yup, being a nostalgic sop but someone's gotta do it!

The MRS Degree

I'm very bummed that I'm not sailing today & Xing Fu is--couldn't catch a ride for NASS so I'm relegated to a day at home wishing I were sailing...*SIGH*.  Needless to say, I am quite jealous & even the boats that I do sail with aren't even going out to practice so I'm land-locked.  Bleh.  So I've decided that a little blog post is in order, having very little to do with sailing other than the fact that Xing Fu & I met sailing.  And when we did, it was a very long time after we'd both left college.  OK--what am I getting to you may wonder.  Well, I'll tell ya'.  

A few weeks ago I came across an article in Slate magazine about a Princeton mom Susan Patton admonishing girls in college about "hooking up" & not seeking a husband.  When I first read it I was hit viscerally by the thought that we are returning to my mom's generation--go to college to pick up the MRS, not the BA or BS.  'Cuz that's what women back then did.  And my thought was--wow, glad my generation isn't like that, although there were plenty of my sorority sisters back in '89 who did--with huge ceremonies after our meetings when they were pinned, lavaliered, etc. Such still giving huge credence to the MRS culture in college.  But, even so, most of us left college without a husband or a prospect of one & went off to our "adult" lives to eventually marry someone.  And now, 24 years after I graduated from college, the "hook up" culture is where it's at.  And Ms. Patton feels that these college women are missing out on the good guys by not looking for a husband amongst the eligible men of Princeton.  And you know something?  I think she's spot on...sorta.  A lot of the advice was pretty offensive but I do think she has a point.  

Here's what I believe.  Yes, she's a snob because she is assuming that the elite intellectuals are only available at these schools.  Technically, although I didn't go to an Ivy League school, I did happen to go to one of the US News & World Report's top 15 schools so I do think that my alma mater counts. And, is everyone out there searching for the smart guys?  What's your first criteria for a potential keeper?  Actually, one of my top 10's was being smart.  So yeah, truth be told--I was looking for someone who could keep up with me intellectually.  There are a lot of other quite nearsighted statements on her part that I'm sure you can find out in the ether but I contend, looking back almost 25 years that mebbe I should have been a little more serious about who I dated in college than just playing around for 4 years because frankly, it took me almost 20 years to actually find the right guy. Some of you may find this just as offensive as Ms. Patton's statements, but in some ways I wasted a lot of time, caused my self some real hardships (divorce, eg.), & some serious heartache.  And, by my senior year of college I was living with a doozy.  Stoopid.  Inappropriate. And he was not my intellectual equal, plain & simple.  And I allowed him to make me less intellectual as a result.  Because, he was older & thereby an "adult" & I was not & I was easily influenced back then. So here's one flaw in Ms. Patton's logic--I was nowhere ready to be married at 23 right out of school.  But who says that you have to marry the guy you're dating right out of college?  You don't. But mebbe you can marry him a few years down the road.  That's more realistic.  And you met him in school.  Because really, the men at my college really were the most appropriate for me. There's a laundry list of qualifications that I could list but know, two of the biggest (in retrospect) were a certain level of intelligence & similar interests.  And what's wrong with that?  But here's the rub, I didn't understand that then. So Patton has motherly advice with 30+ years' worth of experience:

           " Here’s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I    went there.

I am the mother of two sons who are both Princetonians. My older son had the good judgment and great fortune to marry a classmate of his, but he could have married anyone. My younger son is a junior and the universe of women he can marry is limitless. Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent, less educated. It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition, if she is exceptionally pretty. Smart women can’t (shouldn’t) marry men who aren’t at least their intellectual equal. As Princeton women, we have almost priced ourselves out of the market. Simply put, there is a very limited population of men who are as smart or smarter than we are. And I say again—you will never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who are worthy of you."

"This concentration of men who are worthy of you".  Indeed.  Her message is to support these young women's futures--to help them realize that they are worth more than a "hook-up" or the "bad-boy", or "the cool-hipster dudes".  Flawed, because not everyone wants to marry, or for that matter, even marry a man. So she is speaking to a specific population--my younger self.   I spent how many years with unworthy men.  Of course I am happy to have a wonderful child with my ex-husband, but he was unworthy. It took me 20 some-odd years to find Xing Fu after the fact & when I review his worth--he is really my match and having gone to another top 15 school--well, there it is--chances are, we might have met had we gone to the same schools.  He is very bright & intellectually stimulating, we definitely have much in common with interests (sailing anyone?), & our values & backgrounds are very much the same.  That is what Ms. Patton means.  And she is right. In this day & age, the ability to meet men gets harder & harder as you age--at least the appropriate ones.  I think about my friend who has been struggling for years--she is a couple years younger than I am & keeps getting involved with the most inappropriate guys.  All she wants is the guy for the rest of her life. As women age, the pool of eligible men diminishes.  Reference to Sex And The City: 

 "And, as you move from age box to age box and the contestants get fewer and fewer, are your chances of finding your soul mate less and less?"

 Yeah, it sucks & yeah, the pool gets smaller.  And yes, Ms. Patton is a snob--but you know what?  So am I & I make no apologies.  It is who I am & where I came from (elitist private girls' school) and there are lots of us snobs around--including where my son goes to high school.  And you know what?  Wouldn't change a thing because he will go to an elite school & get a top-notch education too.  Would I have written to The Princetonian?  No frickin' way!  But the girl's got balls....In fact, here's a good article that says just what I think too: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hard-get/201304/what-susan-patton-princeton-snob-gets-right

So, full circle.  It took me a really long time to find the right guy--Xing Fu.  And he is sailing--something that I desperately want to be doing right now instead of writing this post.  But just imagine if I'd met him when we were younger--he probably would have been the right guy for me then too.  But I'm one of the lucky ones--I did eventually find him.