if he's sleeping with another woman......

"But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up."

"You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."

--Gigi from He's Just Not That Into You



One of my girlfriends took me to see this movie today against her better judgement. The quotes above represent some of the things I identified with when I heard them. The first one because of the future. The second one because that's how I believe things are for the Bull. I wanted to see it because not only had I read the book shortly after my divorce, but I really wanted to see what situations would arise. I did not get upset, I did not cry, although I've done a lot of that this past week, I just realized that what's happened to me is part of the hope. It is a process & I will rise from the ashes again.

My girlfriends have been amazing this week & weekend. Checking up on me, occupying my time, wine tasting of course, allowing me to cry & not saying "I told you so." Although most of them did say that they never trusted him. People may ask why I'd cry with the situation being the way it was. I think I mourn the loss but also I think about how so many lives were affected by this man's reckless approach to being in a relationship(s). I had been receiving texts from him about taking down this blog--but one of the last ones he sent said the following: "So now you've won." How have I won? Against everyone's advice to have no contact with him, I sent the answer & what I truly believe: "We all lost....."

Time to Kick-Ass!

Sparring class can be so cathartic! See that picture?--I imagine my foot smashing into the Bull's face! So satisfying! I was a bit of a demon tonight--channeled my inner anger & went after the men in particular-- But the guys at my taekwondo school are super-cool & are great buddies so I am lucky that they let me wail on them. It was needed. Never forget: Indomitable Spirit!

Too many feelings keep cycling through me--thank you to everybody who has been there for me--I have never felt more loved & supported--you all are the best! I am lucky to have such an amazing network of friends! Kisses...

The Break-Up Times Two

Carrie: You can have the guts and the courtesy to tell a woman to her face that you no longer want to see her. Call me crazy, but I think you can make a point of ending your relationship in a manner that does not include an email, a doorman or a missing persons report. I think you could all get over your fear of looking like the bad guy and actually have the uncomfortable break-up conversation because here's what avoiding that is what makes you the bad guy

Carrie: Oh uh, Berger broke up with me on a post-it.
Miranda: On a post-it?
Carrie: Uh huh. Uh huh. Yep. Read it and weep my friends.
Samantha: (Reading the post-it) "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't hate me." The motherfucker's consise.

From: Sex & The City

After another great weekend.....

So here it goes again--I am the bad guy. Somehow this is all my fault. Being broken up with by text message and an angry, self-righteous phone call is about the same as a post-it. But apparently it is justified because I've "ruined his life." Actually I've exposed him for the lying, cheating prick that he is. He played us--both of us--and there is a real aspect of cruelty about this whole situation. He claimed that he had broken up with her but he hadn't. He never told her about me & she found out by reading this very blog...and somehow I'm the bad guy--How dare me!!! She has thanked me for having this blog because even though she is hurting at least as much as I am, she now sees the Bull in truth--if that is even possible with him. I told him via email that it was Karma--and what goes around comes around...he didn't like that too much & told me never to contact him again....

I can't even begin to put into words just how angry & hurt I am. And how stoopid I feel that he led me on for this long. I thought we had something special & wonderful. How fucked up was that! He has been maintaining this elaborate lie for months & involving children too! All of our children were involved & had relationships with him & his son. How irresponsible! And he thinks this blog was irresponsible?? I never said names or indicated anything too specific but apparently the Bull's big mouth really got him in trouble. He told the other poor, duped woman about all the activities we did but he claimed it was with his mother, or friends, etc. Instead all the activites were with me. She quoted my blog back to him & he has the unmidigated gall to say this is my fault! Motherfucker indeed! More later. CFW said she'd cut off his dick for me...maybe I'll let her.

Long Distance Dating

It is not easy having a long distance relationship. Now one could say that the Bull & I really aren't long distance--DC really isn't that far away. But it really is--we really only see each other once a week because of our schedules so that kinda sucks..that gives me a lot of time to think--and that my friends can be a bad thing for me...& because we'd been apart for two weeks, my inner crazy went a little bit haywire. Instead of the whole "absence makes the..." thing, I was busy thinking things like "O--this is over, & we are on the outs"...I can be such a twit. I'm not really sure what I was worried about. Of course never let it be said that he makes our relationship easy--all day Saturday I don't hear from him & when I called he never picked up--so of course that fueled the inner crazy even more. If it weren't for my next door neighbor & my BFF(A)(formerly BFF (1), I think I would've gone off into loo-loo ville. Actually, my BFF said she was counting the lights on Reisterstown Rd until we got to our first wine tasting--she kept saying that she needed to get some wine in me so I could relax--boy was she right. By the time we left for the 2nd tasting, I was much less crazed & was thinking that maybe not having the Bull around might be preferable to my crazy dance. In fact, my head was clear enough, or maybe not, to decide that there were three really decent wines to buy: 7 Deadly Zins, a nice Septima Malbec, & petite shiraz by Dancing Coyote.

We arrive to our second tasting & the Bull calls--by this time the edge is off & I'm able to kid him about his behavior so he knows I'm not going to jump down his throat. It was a good thing because everyone knows that crazy women do not go over well in relationships. I can only blame it on hormonal imbalances & the fact that I was feeling a little beat up anyway--work on Friday was not good & I think it took even more of a toll on me than I had thought. We hang up--he's on his way & I tell him to call when he gets to my exit. BFF(A) & I go into the wine shop & begin our Italy wine tour. The Bull is now texting me about why he didn't call all day & tells me that he overdid it Friday night so he had been very tired all day & didn't feel like getting going. Which makes complete sense to me--since that is his typical behavior--I just don't like it at my expense. He says he's on the Baltimore beltway & to let him know where I am. We continue tasting & move on to the beers. We were talking to the cute guy serving beers & I was just texting that we were still at the wine store when there is a tap on my shoulder. I turn around & there he is & all my angst is forgotten--I am truly a wuss. All I can think is that I really missed him & was glad he was there. It was a very cute reunion--major points earned for showing up at the wine store.

I did talk to the Bull about his behavior though & he did say he wouldn't do it again--I told him that although I appear tough on the outside, I am quite mushy inside & get easily hurt--so stop it. We had a wonderful dinner at the Helmand to celebrate that the Bull got a new job...yes--good news in this horrible economy--the Bull will start tomorrow & it appears that all is well between us as he will be staying all weekend next week. But the roller coaster ride continues & my deadline is looming. I still can't decide what to do....

A Brief Interlude in the Princess Room

Ah--Sunny Florida. Spent the long weekend near St. Petersburg, Florida. It was quite nice--my folks are being snowbirds & invited us down to visit with my step-sister & her family. We did have a great time but you gotta love single mom traveling.

The house my folks are living in is quite palatial but is a terrible waste of space. There were only 3 bathrooms & bedrooms in a house that could quite easily have the space for at least two more of each. My son & his cousin slept in the "tower"--an extra "room" at the top of the house-a little look-out space where my dad had put 2 blow-up mattresses. They loved it except that there wasn't a bathroom. They had to go all the way downstairs which may prove difficult if ya gotta go in the middle of the night. There is of course the master suite where my folks reside with the the nice bath & then the second bedroom with the double bed & the third bedroom with the deluxe twin beds. Where does the single gal sleep? Ah--you guessed! The very pink, very girly, princess room! There were huge gauze butterflies hanging from the ceiling. A stained glass window depicting graceful herons in the front, & words of encouragement painted in purple over the hot pink walls. It said, "Follow your dreams", "One step at a Time"....Aggh!! The beds were covered in hot pink silk bedspreads with purple pillows...Any single parent understands how sleeping arrangements work...You get the most embarrassing, & least convenient leftover sleeping arrangements because afterall--you ARE the single person & everyone else is a couple...remind me to find some man to go on vacay with me soon...yeesh--at least I didn't hang out in there too much.

It was great to be with my family & I do have a little suntan so I cannot complain too bitterly. It's also nice to get my mom's advice on niggling doubts & insecurities because when she's away I don't always have her practical wisdom to fall back on.

The Bull by the Horns or the Unbreak-up

Funny how things evolve over time. I now have shampoo & soap in my house which aren't my brands. So apparently we are no longer running from the "relationship" thing. In fact, his profile is turned off on the dating website. I've been told that I don't need to turn mine off if I don't want to. I haven't decided yet so they're on for now--but I really haven't visited them in a while so I've had little to no activity anyway.
Except for the guy from JDate. He's the one who's 17 years older than me. We had 2 dates: the prerequisite "coffee meet & greet". Then the Happy Hour martinis this past Tuesday. (Just couldn't trust the Bull completely--keeping them options open...) Obviously I wasn't too thrilled with the guy--or I would've blogged about him--right? He was nice enough but again no spark...Dammit! I'm ruined! Or mebbe not...this story may yet have a happy ending.

My friends have warned me that now because the Bull is reading my blog, my writing will change. Perhaps I am a bit more guarded but I'm trying not to be. Dear readers you will have to tell me. I think I've become a lil' bit sappy this weekend--somewhat carried away by what I'd been hoping for since I began this blog during my Unbreak-up in October. Essentially, we never did actually end this thing & recently, despite him losing his job (which is horrid), it has been really great together. I am not holding my cards as tight to my chest & letting him in a bit more because I'm less afraid that things are precarious & may fall at any minute. More security is a wonderful thing.

The Bull came up Friday afternoon & watched my son & I at TKD. Well--sorta watched--he was nose deep into his laptop--not surprised by this. But at least he came. One of my girlfriends whose son attends TKD too reads the blog. The Bull is now somewhat embarrassed by all these people he's been meeting knowing about this part of his life. I told him to just suck it up & deal. At least now I'm writing about him in a far more positive light. I also said that it was incentive for him to continue to treat me the way he has recently so I won't dis him. So my friend tells him that he doesn't want to risk losing me, etc. I love when my friends go after him like this. I am very amused, but I also think it may help him see...

We went to dinner at the Corner Stable afterward--gotta love them ribs! We joined one of my TKD girl buddies (there are so few of us), her boyfriend who also came to watch her for the first time, & my son. The Bull is such a character. He can be so entertaining & yet always attentive to me & also to my son. They get along so well together. I do enjoy watching them interact. It was great fun & my friend's BF & the Bull hit it off fairly well so it was an easy, fun evening.

Saturday was the Bowing Ceremony at TKD. It is a pot-luck dinner as well as a time when kids bow to their parents to show appreciation for & respect to their parents. The Bull was with us which I feel makes a pretty strong statement to my extended TKD community. My GM (Grand Master)told me I was all smiles & happy. I was & am. Friends told me that evening that we have an easy compatibility with each other--that we are good together. I think this is what I've been telling the Bull all along. Perhaps he's getting it--finally.

Am I dating anymore? I'm not sure. I'm not necessarily outwardly looking right now. But my 9 month deadline looms next month & I will need to make some decisions I guess. Currently, I am sappy-happy with my Bull.

The Year of the Ox (as suggested by the Bull)

"Il était un fois...."
From: La Belle et La Bête 1946


It finally happened. Yep, that's right--the Bull has read the blog. In my presence no less. And he says he's going to comment too...Not sure about all of that, mind you....may leave me too vulnerable or it may help him figure out how to better appreciate me. I knew it was bound to happen, but I wasn't prepared for it quite yet. So to the first of the changes: The Bull wants to be known as La Bête. From the classic French film version of La Belle et La Bête. Interesting....on many levels. The Bull refers to himself as a "loveable asshole" & I tend to agree as he often is. He was not that this weekend because despite the fact he is under considerable stress looking for a job, he was truly attentive & affectionate. So perhaps reading the blog may have been a good thing because I never felt closer to him as I did this weekend. I felt like our discussions were different--we didn't skirt the issues but again were frank & honest. I do have to say that La Bête has never been dishonest with me as far as I know, ever. I just hope he gets that job soon. Last night I could tell he was very anxious & under stress--he woke up a lot during the night & he obviously was trying to hold all of that in check. I give him a lot of credit for that because it must have been quite difficult to do.

Again, another nice weekend. I remarked to the Bête that I decided that I enjoyed being with him. That it was easy. (well..I guess that's relative) I think its more that when I'm with him its easy, even when there are conflicts. He confounds & frustrates me occasionally, but overall it is fun & we truly enjoy being together. I feel pretty good about things these days--they have been more straightforward which just adds to the ease....but still...