Workman's Comp

Is there Workman's Comp for hearts?

I was walking down the hall of my school to go teach Taekwondo in the afterschool program. I had forgotten my uniform so I was prepared to teach in a skirt but take off my heels--yep, that's the kind of day it had been. I was already late because I received a phone call from my boss which required me to pull up information on my computer to take care of a potential problem from a past meeting on a kid. Turns out that all was in order so nothing bad would happen...thankfully. So I was marching briskly down the hall to the gym when all of a sudden I trip & land right on my ass! Immediately my ankle swells noticeably. Teachers run into the hallway to see what happened & they call the nurse. So starts my ordeal with Baltimore City Public Schools' Workman's Comp & being the single gal.

After filling out the forms, I'm told I have to go downtown to Mercy to get checked out. Well now! Who's supposed to take me? Both my BFFs have family obligations, my folks are out of town, my sis lives in Chicago, etc., etc...So I call one of my buddies (now known as my Prince) from work--he wonderfully comes to my rescue, even being sick with the creeping crud. So after a number of hours in the bowels of Mercy Hospital, trying figure out the role of the medical groupie who follows all of the uniform-clad nurses & NPs, but is not in a uniform herself....a few x-rays & one motrin 800 (I begged for something more fun), I am released on my own recognizance with what I knew I had in the first place--a very minimal sprain. Yeesh--all this for nothing, not even a day off or a percocet! Actually was offered a few days off--but I just didn't see the need or the aggravation it would cause.

But the point of this story, & I do have one, is that it was quite hard to be alone here with ths emergency. As a single gal with a kiddo, it is doubly difficult--at least my child could let himself in at home. My BFF(A) actually kept him at her house for me while I was sitting in the ER at Mercy. I cannot stress this enough: we need our friends--those who will watch the kid when you sprain your ankle, those who will pick you up & drive you, sit with you, try to figure out the medical groupie Mercy mystery with you, & also all of those friends on FB who show their concerns too. After the horrible nature of my break-up & the subsequent rallying that my network of friends have done for me, I am always grateful to the universe for the people who, for some reason, love me & are willing to be there no matter what--we single moms need that more than anything else--

Rubberbands

In an attempt to work through the pain & move toward the future, I continue to reflect on things I need to remember to remind myself why I cannot EVER return to a "friendship" with anyone who acts in a manner that my recent past man did. Aside from the fact that about 10 of my friends would haul me out of my house & beat the living shit out of me, black belt or not if I ever considered it seriously....

When the relationship was relatively new, & I was overly eager: read, somewhat obsessive, my BFF(A) told me to go buy the book Men Are From Mars... I did & one section talked about letting rubberbands stretch because they always came back. I used to wear a rubberband around my wrist when I got too intense & I would pluck myself to keep my head on straight--not sure it worked too well mind you, but at least I tried. Anyhow, I am using the following situation as my rubberband to remind myself of why I cannot be with a man like this again. This story actually comes from the other woman who told me this when we were shooting tons of emails & phone calls back & forth after all hell broke loose a few weeks ago. What folks don't know is that she & I had many conversations about what happened & I truly think it helped me, but this story sticks out as the biggest, most egregious act by the sociopath, AKA the Bull.

After my son came back from sailing camp last summer I was anxious to see his newly acquired sailing skills. I was also anxious for him to meet the sociopath because I had been dating him for roughly a month & he was becoming quite a large part of my life & I wanted my son to be included. Since we were all sailors, the sociopath had the idea that we should rent a boat--the kind he raced: a Flying Scot and spend the day out on the bay. So we meet down on the South River near Annapolis, late of course, & get ready to go out. The wind is blowing at 15-20 knots which is just about on the edge for an 18 foot boat, but we decided that we were capable enough to handle it. It was a little dicey at first but we managed not to flip & had a great time. We ended by going to a BBQ place near Annapolis & then we all come back to my house. It was great--we had a blast & now the introduction to my son was complete.

Here's the yuck, make your skin crawl about this. The sociopath had left his son with the other woman so she could babysit him--the day of sailing, all that night until the middle of the next day! When she told me this, I just about fell out of my chair! How can someone DO that???!!! So this is the story that I remind myself of every time I have a weak moment & I have quite a few. My co-worker, the social worker at my school suggested that I write this story down in the blog because it would make it more real--I think she's right. It is a testament to my future without these types of men fucking it up. Catharsis is important. I am still working on it & I will derive more strength from this--

I will get there. I know this because today I had a very odd moment; an almost physically tangible feeling of auspiciousness. Of a great outcome--a flooding of joy for the future--fleeting, but definitely present.

Alone Again, Naturally

So I've come to the realization that I need to go it alone for a while. This is not a bad thing...convincing myself of this is what is at issue. I cannot continue to 1) wallow in self-pity & 2) attempt to go out on a date & think everything's ok. Case in point: last night's date. Very nice guy--just not for me. He took me to a great place to eat, we had good conversation, but all I could do was make comparisons--and that my friends, is the problem. Things ran through my head like, "here we are at a French restaurant, & he doesn't get the menu--not a food sophisticate like...", or " the mini-plaid just doesn't work here", or "there is absolutely no excitement to this conversation like I used to have with..."--SIGH. I hate that what I loved about the Bull is clouding my ability to judge new potentials objectively....I'm just not there yet. And what sucks even more is the fact that even though the Bull has serious character flaws, and I would not ever consider going back with him because of them, I still miss all of the really good qualities that ultimately were what I was looking for. My friends say that I'm then one step closer to finding my ideal because I recognize the kind of man I want sans the sociopathic traits. Yeehaw!!

I also know what he's up to as well--not because I've talked to him, but because I know him. He's currently fucking his way around DC & reconnecting with past girlfriends to fuck them too. That twinges my inner competitive edge--I know that's a bit twisted but it kills me thinking that he's doing this & I have no one. Not that fucking your way around DC means that anything meaningful or connected comes from it but it tweaks me just the same.

Anyhoo, having decided to forgo the dating scene for a while takes a little bit of the stress off of me--but not a lot. I get to go "work on myself". Yes, all of the break-up advice is swirling like a swiftly overflowing post-flood river from all points--friends, co-workers, frenemies, etc. What I despise though are all of the people who say to me: "You need to be happy by yourself before you can be with someone else." You know what? Fuck that!! I'll never be happy with myself--is anyone truly? I will be "in a better place" sometime, ready to share myself again soon, but I will always be looking for self-improvement, always. If I wait until "I'm happy with myself" (background music should be lightly happy, flowery music--girly to be precise with butterflies fluttering gaily above wildflowers) I will be waiting forever! No, I decided I needed a break because I realistically cannot be with anyone with the ghost of the Bull lingering. I still cry sometimes, though not as much & I think it has more to do with the going to the parties again as the single girl with all the marrieds and the fun we had going to music with my BFFs & their husbands. It was nice being part of a couple again--but I'll deal--been here before.

And according to BFF(J), and this one I DO believe, "When you least expect it, expect it..."

First Dates & Other Follies

After being off of the dating web sites for a while, it's always interesting when you go back on. It's almost as if I was a new member because of all the guys who email & wink, etc. As a result I generated a lot of interest including that guy from DC I saw on Wednesday. I should totally get it by now when it comes to guys who come on strong before they meet you & then disappear after. Yup--refer back to the book & now movie "He's Just Not That Into You" & you get the picture. I thought he was very cute & I thought our date went very well judging by the kissing, etc. but I was so wrong. Prior to meeting, & here's my mistake I think, we texted each other pretty much nonstop for 2-3 days as well as talking on the phone. Conversation was easy & borderline risque. That's the problem I think--the hunt--too easy perhaps? Been hearing a bit about being a bitch & not appearing too eager. Yet, my natural & passionate inclination is just to be myself--if I like you then I can't help it. I wish I could be nonchalant but that's just not me. If I'm not charged by the guy then I couldn't be cooler. This occured with the Bull too--totally swept off my feet. There was another very nice guy I met about the same time, but he just didn't do too much for me--we dated for awhile but eventually I just couldn't justify fooling this guy & wasting his time knowing full well that it would go nowhere when I was so into the Bull. Hence the dilemma I face. The DC guy was another one I really dug & I must have worn that on my sleeve because after that first date we had plans to get together Friday night, but after a few dwindling texts he was gone. Ah well. At least there were a few more guys who were interested.

So now I face another date tonight with a new guy--he has a few things going for him right off the bat--he's a sailor, he's an animal person, he's laid-back, & has similar musical tastes. Oh--& he's another Taurus--very good for a Cancer. (At least I thought so--hence the Bull--but there were other reasons for that name too). Additionally, he is a wine person & a foodie so more pluses. We've had great conversations so far but here's the rub--I sense a bit of loneliness & neediness which send me off running in the other direction before we've even met. How much does that sound like a male response??!! Yikes!! But I will give him a chance & try desperately not to compare him to another Taurus I used to know...

Well Read? Now Even MORE Time!!!

Are You Well-Read?

The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

Instructions:
Copy into a new note Put an X next to the ones you've read. Include the number you have read in the headline and tag your friends!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen - X
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien - X
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - X
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling- X
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee - X
6 The Bible - X (both old & new)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte - X
8 1984 - George Orwell - X
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman -X
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens -X
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott - x
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy - X
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller - X
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare -X--Believe it or not!!!
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier - X
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien - x
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger - X
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliott-X
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell - X
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald - X
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens-X
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy-X
25 The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams - X
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh - X
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky - X
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck - X
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll - X
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame - X
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy-X
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens - X
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis - X
34 Emma - Jane Austen - X
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen -X
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis - x
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini - X
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden - X
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne - x
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell - X
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown- x
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez -
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving -
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins -
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery - X
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy-X
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood - X
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding - x
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan-X
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel -X
52 Dune - Frank Herbert - X
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons-X
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen - X
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth -
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens - X
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley - X
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon - X
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez -
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck -x
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov - X
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt-X
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold - X
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas - X (In French)
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac-X
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy-X
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding - X
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie -
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville - X
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens - X
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker - X
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett - X
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce - X
76 The Inferno - Dante - X
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray - X
80 Possession - AS Byatt - X
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens-X
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell -
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker - X
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro - X
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert-X (In French)
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White - x
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle-X
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad - X
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery - X (In French)
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams - X
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas - X
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare - X
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl - X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo - X (In French)

Thanks CC for suggesting to blog this! It seems I've read the majority of what is on this list--thanks Bryn Mawr & Washington University?? Or wow, you really ARE an English Lit major!! Or gee, you really have no social life! Choose one or choose all--

Now I need to finish the list as it seems I now have soooo much more time to devote to good books....79 out of 100....

The Underdog of Multiple Meanings

But you won't hear from the messenger,
don't wanna know bout something that you don't understand,
You got no fear of the underdog,
that's why you will not survive! (Hey!)

Spoon--The Underdog



Not flogging a dead horse, or bull, but I still reflect on last week's
explosion with a great deal of sadness.People may say that it's
time to move on & I am,  but I still sigh a lot, tear up a bit, & try
to find what was good in what occurred.
It ain't easy.  I like the piece from the song above--it is especially
appropriate on numerous levels.  First of all--it was a favorite band
of the two of us, it was my ringtone for
the bull, & the lyrics themselves just call out for interpretive
application to the situation & people.

This blog serves a great purpose.  If we take the Bull's interpretation
of relationships as winning & losing, then I am the underdog here.
I never meant for what happened as deliberate or i
ntentional--it was all purely accidental, but it
definitely outed some very bad behaviors.  The Bull continued to
harass me to take this blog down & blamed me (& it), for what
happened to his sorry ass.  Telling me that I was cruel for not
doing it, trying to bully me & make me feel guilty.  Then he changed
his tactics--imploring me, wheedling me & then saying that
I should "do the right thing".

So in an effort to move on, I have a date today.

New Beginnings, Old Profile

Been here before. I distinctly remember a post to this blog about picking myself up, etc. But weirdly this time I'm looking forward to the fun again. Instead of the dread, I am already having fun. Yeah, I do miss certain aspects of my ex-relationship with the Bull & yes I know I'll have to go back to the 50 first dates/kiss a lot of frogs part of life, but...all it took was a convo with the other woman in this story who said she was already back on-line last week & was talking to someone to give me a bit of a jolt. She even offered to share him since we'd had such luck with that before....If after all the bullshit (heh) she still wanted to begin dating right away & put this chapter behind her, then maybe I could too. I like her--I think we've been through a lot that only we can understand & she seems pretty cool. I wished we'd met under better circumstances because I think we'd be friends. It's a little weird right now, though. Perhaps in time. I want to publicly wish her luck because I think we both went through varying levels of hell & to find out all of this via my blog was beyond a punch in the gut.

But back to the original thought thread...after being given that little cattle-prod (heh), I have put my profile back in active status & tried to reconnect with some of the guys I rejected before because they just didn't measure up at that time. Now I can view them in another light--one not shadowed by bullshit. (God, I kill myself!) So already there have been some promising prospects--I am quite excited. I took a departure from my usual haunts & paid for another service that I hadn't tried yet. Just like last summer when I met the Bull, there are about 10 guys who seem pretty interested & are actually very interesting. The best one so far is a bit like Aiden on SATC. He even seems to have a bit of that rehab persona...we're already scheduled to meet for lunch this week. There is definitely that spark in conversation that I look for & I think he feels it too judging by the texts flying back & forth between us. Oh, & our birthdays are only 5 days apart--I'm the older woman. But, he's another D.C. There's another sailor--a bit older but has great taste in music--some emails exchanged. A guy that I had begun talking to when I was still with the Bull (one of those times I was full of doubt) called tonight & he seemed pretty even-keeled & a nice Jewish boy. There are a few more but we're at the kinda impersonal stage of introductory emails. So I feel pretty good that there's been a lot of interest generated again. Woohoo! For a while there just wasn't anything that I liked--I think the blinders are off & here we go again....