Cute Eccentricities

My sister will love that I'm posting this but recently these things have been on my mind:

  "It's so true that the little things that you thought were cute eccentricities when you are first in a relationship seem to become some of the most annoying characteristics years down the road. And yes, I agree, there are certain things that must be a given if the relationship can grow--like knowing how to sail, being gainfully employed, and the ever popular, not being a compulsive liar and scum (he will not be named but we all know of whom I speak)."

So both Xing Fu & I get a little worried that what's so cute & interesting now will shift into the category of "glaring incompatibilities" later--which can cause a mini-freak-outs on occasion.  I think we're both a bit gun-shy because of past failed relationships but trying to learn from mistakes and improve upon them will hopefully allow us to relax a bit.  We both feel so lucky to have found one another & we both are worried that the mundane will take over or we'll begin to take one another for granted...perhaps this blog can help--reread the posts to remind us not to go down that road.  All that & we both tend to think too much!  I guess my "Red Flags" post hit a nerve--but not seeing any is a good thing...


Plus, that Lori Gottlieb book just keeps entering into my consciousness.  She often talks about how she overlooked the guys who weren't the Type-A personalities, or when she met for a first date there weren't any sparks so the thought of a second date just never occurred to her.  I think I also practiced the same behaviors--except I was often in pursuit of those "bad boys".  And then there was Xing Fu.   Xing Fu & I were friends first, racing together, etc.  And although I always thought he was attractive, I never pursued anything because he was unavailable at that time.  So, in terms of first dates, there just weren't any & of course no sparks--just a platonic friendship that I enjoyed; going to music & having great conversation...that was about it.  So when things did change between us, I think it was a surprise that it was so amazing & still is.  Gottlieb also talks about letting a romance grow from the dubious beginnings--if a first date doesn't send shivers, etc. still go on a second--a lot of very successful couples she knows didn't exactly skyrocket out into space when they first met.  


I am trying to get to the point here--within the section about first dates, Ms. Gottlieb also discusses the things that couples don't always like about one another--"I wish he were less laid-back" or "I wish she wasn't so cluttered", for example.  But they choose to accept those things & not grow them into the "glaring incompatibilities".  She says, "[that a couple] has that romantic energy I crave--finishing each other's sentences, being gentle with each other's vulnerabilities, having enough comfort to laugh at their respective less-than-appealing qualities."  That's what I'm interested in right now--the ability to accept & support.  The best part of the above quote to me is the part about "being gentle with each other's vulnerabilities".  Already I think we are.  What have been my vulnerabilities in the past just haven't been an issue with Xing Fu--he is gentle with me--he understands and then those little nasties just fade away...how great is that?  I hope I return that to him as well--I think I do & I try to remember to be gentle as well--soothing the soul. Trusting that being vulnerable is not a risk--& it hasn't been & that's wonderful.

"Men always want to be a woman's first love.  That is their clumsy vanity.  We women have a more subtle instinct about things.  What we like is to be a man's last romance."  

A Woman of No Importance, Oscar Wilde

Eager Beavers

What is it with some men?

Recently I really haven't been dabbling too much in the online dating pool--I guess I was taking a break for a while & I think I've been rather consumed with my current crop of "friends" so there really didn't seem any point. But occasionally I like to pop back in & see what's out there--if anything.

At first, when I was just dipping my toes back into this whole dating process, the only activity I did was the online thingy & as I've said there were a lot of first & only first dates. Recently I've expanded my horizons to include other venues for finding men. As a result I can now make a basic comparison. All this being motivated by some online activity recently--I'll get to that in a bit. So I find that online seems to follow a certain pattern--it feels very contrived & somewhat unnatural. Here is the progression of sorts:

Guy contacts you via email. You check out his profile & decide if 1) he's at least used spell-check & capitalizes all his proper nouns, 2) he actually has something to say beyond, "I'm looking for my soul mate...I think communication is the key to a deep relationship...blah, blah, blah...", & 3) he's at least cute in his pictures. If he passes those parameters then a response may be warranted. Next comes the emails of introduction--stuff like, "Hey! Loved your smile!(I get that a lot), or "liked your top ten list" (yup, my profile contains a Letterman-like top 10). Finally, after a few emails, phone numbers are exchanged. Now here's where it gets dicey sometimes. More on that in a bit. So if there's a couple decent convos on the phone & you seem to have at least a few things to say to one another apart from, "what's your job, etc.?", then meeting for a brief first date is the norm. Usually my first dates have been anything but the norm--ah well. But that is the general gist of online dating.

I have to say that I feel like I've been far more successful when meeting people doing other activities & then cultivating a friendship. The men that I am currently involved with, in one way or another, I've seen far more than once. We may not go on dates but we do things together (not that, per se...all y'all need to get your minds out of the collective gutter!) My point being that I like the old fashioned way of meeting--it seems a bit more successful...who knows...anyway, that brings me back to the recent stuff.

The online dating seems to bring out the needy in some men. The newest guy that I'm actually going to meet soon sends me a ton of texts, & has called me everyday. Sigh--When we've talked on the phone--strike that--when he's talked on the phone, we have had nice discussions. But the constant barrage of texts, etc. is a bit much--we haven't even met yet! That's what I mean--what is it with some men? No, I don't like being ignored, & I do enjoy receiving texts from my men regularly, but I know them & we have fun stuff to say to each other, pictures to send, etc., etc. Sad thing is, I tend not to respond to this guy's texts & often don't pick up the phone when he calls. So not my usual behavior--any one of my friends knows that my phone is attached to my hip, & I usually respond quite promptly unless there really is something I can't interrupt or I'm at TKD, sailing, whatever. Why so blase? Not too sure--I think it does have something to do with being heavily pursued before even meeting--makes me want to run right in the opposite direction & already casts a pall over our initial meeting. Bleh! So we'll see--will he join the ranks of the 50 first dates or will he pass go & collect a 2nd date with me?

Replacement Wives

Every once in a while I get hit with an epiphany of sorts. This time is no different. It is usually sparked by something I've been mulling over--gee, isn't every "come to Jaysus" like that? Anyway, recently I have had a few discussions about what dating is like when you're in your 40's, divorced & a parent. In one word, BORING. Well, that sums it up, sorta. Dating itself isn't boring--it tends to be a lot of things--especially when the first dates keep piling up without second or third ones--more on that later. In fact, dating is on one hand traumatic and on the other--as I've said in earlier posts, an anthropological study, and still further it can be exhilarating. In other words, a roller-coaster ride--and with those I'm quite familiar.

Ok, so this is what I mean by BORING. I opened my blog last year with the following sentences: "I have been on at least 50 first dates (most probably more) & truth be told it gets mighty frustrating out there. Most of these dates have come from my online antics & for the most part have proven that there are A LOT of men out there. Insert the but.... " Yup, that is definitely true. So of those 50 firsts I have had one significant relationship & all the rest near-misses, etc. There has been the guy who had 11 children & never drank & who got drunk on our first date, the guy who told me that dropping in on him without calling was ok-this on a first date, & the guy who took me to Amsterdam for a week--technically our 3rd date. And there have been sooooooo many more that just don't require mention. Most were very nice & getting ready for a first date is always an adventure in self-expression, but none just ever cut it. But I think I've figured it out now--hence the epiphany of sorts.

The one thing a lot of these men have in common is that they want replacement wives. The other thing I've noticed is that apparently all of their ex-wives were BORING--which I'm not. What does a vibrant, excited about life, intelligent woman do when it is very apparent that these divorced dads just want a new version of an old mold? No, I seek the thrill ride--the men who actually want an adventure too--it's not that we're necessarily finished raising our children & I am a TKD mom so I have to transport my kid to practices & tournaments just like a soccer mom, but it's that we're unwilling to settle once again for the status quo--for the coming home from work, feeding the kids, plopping on the bed/sofa/recliner & zoning out. Yeah, I can admit that my life certainly has a pattern & structure that could be considered routine--and especially right now, while I recover from hernia surgery & can't participate in TKD, etc. it is even more routine, but the way I live it & who I share it with ain't. And it isn't as if we, those fathers (potential boyfriends) & I aren't committed to our children & raising them to be productive citizens isn't the priority--it is. It's just that we want more this time around--well I thought these potentials wanted more...hence the snooze button...and this is why there is never a 2nd date with them.

In fact, the man I was seeing for 9 months--the Bull--our activities were anything but bleh or routine. And that's how I like it. Subsequent relationships that have worked on whatever level they are--be it "fuck-buddy" or casual friends, or music buddies, etc. have one thing in common: that these men are uncommon & aren't seeking replacement wives. It's too bad that they don't want an official "we're dating" title. So why can't I find him? The man who wants a relationship that isn't the cookie-cutter wife version & the yawn? I know you're out there....

Just Amazing!

"Inspiration Award"
"You express your joy & enthusiasm for our school & Taekwondo every time you walk through the doors of this school. Your positive attitude is infectious. Thank you for making all of our days brighter."
--given to me at the test--

Today was just amazing! I am riding a wave that hasn't crashed quite yet--or at least the adrenaline is still coursing through me. After all my worry & stress, my black belt test was awesome! Everyone did a super job & it really was a great class of testers. The highlight for me was smashing my cinder block on the first attempt--that was...I crashed! Fell asleep writing this post so now I can pick up where I began to snore....

As for the cinder block--executed perfectly. According to one of my teachers, my face was priceless; surprise & then exhilaration when I'd realized I'd done it. My fellow testers were just as exited for me--just a reminder about the great support system at my Taekwondo school.

The day continued to be great--one of my closest girlfriends, CFW came & stayed the entire time, my BFFs, my folks were at the test & of course my son. I couldn't have felt more people in my corner than that!

After the test, my BFFs insisted we celebrate with wine tastings. Ah--such a difficult descision. So I run home, change into something relatively cute--never know who you may run into (certain massage therapists), & meet them. I must have been feeling quite full of myself because at the second tasting, a guy that I also see regularly asked me for my number...go figure!

Next, it was off to the Black Belt dinner in Catonsville. The same place I'd gone with the bull before--just a little different this time--better. I looked around at all the people I spend so much time with & was just filled with the overwhelming sense of what a great community it is. These people are so important in our lives & it so great to be part of it. Our Grandmaster was full of compliments for my son as well as for me--it just felt great.

Off now to get home & get ready to go out to listen to music with my BFFs & their husbands. Crazy, crazy trying to fit it all in, but I was determined. Plus I had a date with a new guy too--points to him for going out with all my BFFs from the jump. Getting ready meant a quick swipe of make-up & out the door. The man appears on time while my son is waiting to be picked up by his grandparents--so introductions there too--yeesh--talk about backasswards! But he is a good sport & we seem to hit it off quite well. It helps that he's pretty cute too--also a former rock musician who actually did quite well for a while. He was the drummer in a couple local bands around here. So the Drummer & I go down to the 8X10 to meet up with my friends & listen the super band: the Radiators. It was a great time, but I keep wondering about the Drummer--he seems into me but very reluctant to express that. No worries I think, dancing's awesome, I'm hanging with my best friends, & all's right with the world because I know there's chemistry--women just know these things.

So rolling forward to 2 AM & we get back to my house: The Drummer finally explained what's up--I am his first date since his divorce! He's a dating virgin. As much as he said he was attracted to me, he was just a wee bit freaked out about being back in the game. I can understand that because I remember vividly my first date after my divorce: the guy kissed me & I immediately burst into tears! Needless to say, I never saw him again..... We are in much different spaces, the Drummer & I. Maybe I'm a bit jaded by all of these adventures in dating because now all the goofiness in meeting all these men & going out with them doesn't phase me as much as it did. There have just been soooooo many frogs. But I like this guy--there seems to be potential if he can get around the newness of the whole dating thing. I need to tone down a little for him so he feels more comfortable if we go out again. I hope we do, but I certainly understand if we don't-- At least he can remember having a great first date because it truly was--he kissed very nicely too.

So I fit it all in & the day was just amazing! Thanks to everyone who is part of my life--you are the ones who make it so!

Happy Father's Day!

Rebounding in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....

Had an interesting date fall into my lap last night....I had been receiving a few emails from some men on various sites & one guy called me Friday afternoon. We talked for about an hour & he asked if I wanted to go with him to see Cirque De Soleil that night. Now who am I to turn away a cool first date like that? He had comp tix because he works in local media--photojournalist, cameraman...and he didn't have a date so I guess I was the lucky recipient. He definitely met a lot of my criteria & our backgrounds were quite similar so again, who am I to turn that down?

It started great--he showed up at the house looking pretty good--nicely dressed, tall, blue eyes...nice. He is a wine drinker so I brought up a couple of my nicer ones: a choice between an Altos Reserva Malbec & a Truchard Pinot Noir. He chose the Pinot, and we spent about 45 minutes chatting & enjoying a nice wine. Good chemistry--no camparisons in sight. Yea!

We go to Cirque, which was wonderful & we continue having fun--super seats--I guess when you have press comp tix you get the good seats. We leave & pull out of the parking lot and....his car dies. I mean, DIES. It would turn over but it appeared that there was no fuel getting to the engine or something. I'm cool with it--what can you do? He doesn't have his AAA card so I use my AAA plus one so we have free towing. I tell him it's all good & not to be too bummed--I'm still having fun even in the pouring rain. He gets really sullen & withdrawn & I try to pull him out of it...so here's where I begin to pay closer attention to his way of handling minor bumps in the road. The tow truck arrives, car gets loaded, & we drive to a station near my house so I can get my car & drive him home. Finally he seems to snap out of his funk & suggests that I come in for some wine at his place.

Against my better judgement, & the fact that it's now 1 AM, I agree. He doesn't live far from me & I've decided that, if nothing else, Mr. Cameraman can be a rebound test. Will I make comparisons? Will I want the sociopath instead? So far so good. As the morning progresses I decide that I couldn't pursue anything with this guy beyond this time--he's too moody & way too self-contemplative for me (word?). But he chooses a nice wine: Molly Dooker--The Boxer and his house is very nicely decorated--I ike the art & the Emmys...our music tastes are the same & he's pretty cute. So we enjoyed ourselves & my test works. No comparisons & wishful thinking--at least for this particular brief interlude.

What ultimately I get out of this is that there are other men out there like the sociopath that match with me well & that eventually I will find him. Hopefully without certain of the traits of the sociopath or Mr. Cameraman. It does give me hope. Now hopefully I won't see him aroud the community--we do frequent the same shops, etc...Can you say, AWKWARD?

First Dates & Other Follies

After being off of the dating web sites for a while, it's always interesting when you go back on. It's almost as if I was a new member because of all the guys who email & wink, etc. As a result I generated a lot of interest including that guy from DC I saw on Wednesday. I should totally get it by now when it comes to guys who come on strong before they meet you & then disappear after. Yup--refer back to the book & now movie "He's Just Not That Into You" & you get the picture. I thought he was very cute & I thought our date went very well judging by the kissing, etc. but I was so wrong. Prior to meeting, & here's my mistake I think, we texted each other pretty much nonstop for 2-3 days as well as talking on the phone. Conversation was easy & borderline risque. That's the problem I think--the hunt--too easy perhaps? Been hearing a bit about being a bitch & not appearing too eager. Yet, my natural & passionate inclination is just to be myself--if I like you then I can't help it. I wish I could be nonchalant but that's just not me. If I'm not charged by the guy then I couldn't be cooler. This occured with the Bull too--totally swept off my feet. There was another very nice guy I met about the same time, but he just didn't do too much for me--we dated for awhile but eventually I just couldn't justify fooling this guy & wasting his time knowing full well that it would go nowhere when I was so into the Bull. Hence the dilemma I face. The DC guy was another one I really dug & I must have worn that on my sleeve because after that first date we had plans to get together Friday night, but after a few dwindling texts he was gone. Ah well. At least there were a few more guys who were interested.

So now I face another date tonight with a new guy--he has a few things going for him right off the bat--he's a sailor, he's an animal person, he's laid-back, & has similar musical tastes. Oh--& he's another Taurus--very good for a Cancer. (At least I thought so--hence the Bull--but there were other reasons for that name too). Additionally, he is a wine person & a foodie so more pluses. We've had great conversations so far but here's the rub--I sense a bit of loneliness & neediness which send me off running in the other direction before we've even met. How much does that sound like a male response??!! Yikes!! But I will give him a chance & try desperately not to compare him to another Taurus I used to know...