Someone asked me recently (I think it was Xing Fu--probably was..), if I remembered all of my 50 first dates. I thought about a little bit--and I think I remember most of them--I have a certain fondness for them all...a slight nostalgia if you will. Do I miss it? Mebbe a teensy, tinesy, little bit. But so little that I hardly miss it. It was a hugely interesting time in my life--not always all that fun, mind you, but most definitely, interesting. In fact, a guy I think I went out with way, way, back circa 2006 or 2007, tried to friend me on Facebook recently. Ewww. Most of the dudes were nice--I think out of all of the dates I've been on there were only a few total bombs. Not a bad track record. And most of those dates were from on-line dating sites.
I remember way back when in my college days reading the ISO adds & how anyone who did the on-line dating thing was desperate. How that perspective has shifted. I think I never would have met the breadth of guys that I did if not for the computer--never would have happened prior to the popularity of the online sites--I think I hit it at the right time--seemed to start to be a very acceptable vehicle to meet guys around the time of my divorce--2005. Quite sure I wouldn't have gone out as much either. So that certainly is one positive for the online thing--perhaps the distance has skewed my perspective...
Anyway, I was inspired to write this post because I was reading a Facebook friend's own online trials via her wall posts & she posted this afternoon "Call me old school, but when a guy is trying to date me, I still like to talk on phone before a first date, not just texting! WTF LOL" I think a phone conversation can be a good thing--gives an opportunity to see what you're getting into so to speak, but I got to the point that if all the dude did was talk or text & never actually asked me out, then that was a supreme waste of my time. So cutting back on the phone or texting chatter made a lot of sense to me--just cut to the chase, dammit!! I got to the point where I would say in an online correspondence, "Not much into chatting on the phone, more interested in meeting face-to-face & seeing if there's a connection." Most guys appreciated that--if you ain't a good fit, better to find out real quick then to have planned your entire life together out via texts & emails & phone convos--that happened to me a few times--eventually I got smart about it. Cus once you met & there was no connection, well, what are you left with? Hours & hours of wasted time--being in my 40's --not interested in wasting that kind of time. I wanna get to the good stuff! Unfortunately for my online life there wasn't much beyond the first meeting. Ah well.
Usually I adore a ton of snow--after all, when the schools are closed, I get a free day. Used to wake up on snowy mornings, waiting to hear the closings on the radio, hear my school or system was closed, & shove my skis in my car & hi-tail it to the Pennsylvania Mountains. But I so fervently did NOT want snow this weekend. I had plans, damn--was I pissed. At least I was able to enjoy Friday night.
Friday was a date with an online guy. Haven't been doing too much online stuff--took a break, had other diversions. I figured if a guy emailed & he looked remotely interesting, I'd give it a shot. And, actually, for the first time in a huge while, this guy wasn't a complete loss. Plus he took me to a phenomenal restaurant too--Woodberry Grill. Of course the oysters on the 1/2 and the great Black Ankle '06 Syrah were added bonuses on a truly fantastic dinner. The question, aside from the obvious one is did I like him? Yes, he was a lot of fun. Yes, good conversation. Were there huge sparks? Nope, but it was actually ok. Weirdly I didn't expect them but there were a few so it gives me hope. Or maybe I was more relaxed. Being online hasn't yielded too much so I wasn't expecting this one to be any different & I had mentioned that I'd thought he was a little too eager. And I also had come to the realization that aside from the Bull, the entire raft of online guys had been a big bust for the most part. Pondering it a bit I think it has to do with the fact that these guys pick me & I then I look at them & decide. If I meet someone out doing something, we choose each other--vastly more appealing--just a theory. Anyhoo, I may be willing to entertain round 2 with this guy...
But it was Saturday that I was truly bummed about. I had tickets to Alex Gray's Visionary Solstice Gathering at Sonar. I was seriously looking forward to this--after all, I missed it last year cuz of that guy who had 11 kids! But it appears that the fates were conspiring--sigh. At least it was postponed--there will be a gathering, but perhaps not solstice...I also was looking forward to the company-someone I've come to enjoy quite a bit--we always have so much to talk about--he's fun & comfortable to be around. I like it..safe, and that's a good thing. So another time... but the snow sure was beautiful, albeit quite deep. Being socked in is not my greatest wish--but I made my squash & root veg soup, and baked cookies for the kid, and listened to Radio Paradise while watching the blizzard outside. It was a nice, quiet day--rare but sometimes needed.
~and everyone checked in via some form of electronic device, also nice.
Every once in a while I get hit with an epiphany of sorts. This time is no different. It is usually sparked by something I've been mulling over--gee, isn't every "come to Jaysus" like that? Anyway, recently I have had a few discussions about what dating is like when you're in your 40's, divorced & a parent. In one word, BORING. Well, that sums it up, sorta. Dating itself isn't boring--it tends to be a lot of things--especially when the first dates keep piling up without second or third ones--more on that later. In fact, dating is on one hand traumatic and on the other--as I've said in earlier posts, an anthropological study, and still further it can be exhilarating. In other words, a roller-coaster ride--and with those I'm quite familiar.
Ok, so this is what I mean by BORING. I opened my blog last year with the following sentences: "I have been on at least 50 first dates (most probably more) & truth be told it gets mighty frustrating out there. Most of these dates have come from my online antics & for the most part have proven that there are A LOT of men out there. Insert the but.... " Yup, that is definitely true.
So of those 50 firsts I have had one significant relationship & all the rest near-misses, etc. There has been the guy who had 11 children & never drank & who got drunk on our first date, the guy who told me that dropping in on him without calling was ok-this on a first date, & the guy who took me to Amsterdam for a week--technically our 3rd date. And there have been sooooooo many more that just don't require mention. Most were very nice & getting ready for a first date is always an adventure in self-expression, but none just ever cut it. But I think I've figured it out now--hence the epiphany of sorts.
The one thing a lot of these men have in common is that they want replacement wives. The other thing I've noticed is that apparently all of their ex-wives were BORING--which I'm not. What does a vibrant, excited about life, intelligent woman do when it is very apparent that these divorced dads just want a new version of an old mold? No, I seek the thrill ride--the men who actually want an adventure too--it's not that we're necessarily finished raising our children & I am a TKD mom so I have to transport my kid to practices & tournaments just like a soccer mom, but it's that we're unwilling to settle once again for the status quo--for the coming home from work, feeding the kids, plopping on the bed/sofa/recliner & zoning out. Yeah, I can admit that my life certainly has a pattern & structure that could be considered routine--and especially right now, while I recover from hernia surgery & can't participate in TKD, etc. it is even more routine, but the way I live it & who I share it with ain't. And it isn't as if we, those fathers (potential boyfriends) & I aren't committed to our children & raising them to be productive citizens isn't the priority--it is. It's just that we want more this time around--well I thought these potentials wanted more...hence the snooze button...and this is why there is never a 2nd date with them.
In fact, the man I was seeing for 9 months--the Bull--our activities were anything but bleh or routine. And that's how I like it. Subsequent relationships that have worked on whatever level they are--be it "fuck-buddy" or casual friends, or music buddies, etc. have one thing in common: that these men are uncommon & aren't seeking replacement wives. It's too bad that they don't want an official "we're dating" title. So why can't I find him? The man who wants a relationship that isn't the cookie-cutter wife version & the yawn? I know you're out there....
You know it's bad when people at the wine tasting who don't even know the back story comment on you. My BFFs & I were enjoying the current selections & waiting to taste the wines in the back room when my Purgatory Buddy, SM walks into the shop. He waves at me when he enters & I continue to chat with my friends, knowing that eventually he'll come over--what I didn't realize was that he'd make a bee-line for me & begin to caress my back. Talk about a tell to the entire store. My BFF(A) said that he was quite obvious. She has always had a problem with SM--didn't think he & I should be involved, didn't trust him, etc., but she even said he earned points for his attentiveness. Needless to say, I was quite taken aback especially after Thursday night--I had come off of that evening with a bit of a sense of awkwardness; I had felt that I may have said a few things that bespoke attachments, etc. and wasn't sure if I'd said too much. Apparently I didn't need to worry.
My BFFs & I had been planning to make this a short visit because we had plans to go to another wine tasting where there was a big party--plus BFF(A) & I had 6:30 PM deadlines--her son had a game & I had to meet the rest of my family for dinner at a great restaurant called Cinghiale. (super food & a great Chianti--I highly recommend it).
Ah--the best laid plans....
We all stand around waiting to go into the back room & chatting, drinking wine & it was so funny--both SM & I found as many opportunities as possible to touch each other in some way, and not in any overtly sexual way either--like I said, dating purgatory--it's just not public knowledge about us yet except for the folk who knew from the start; i.e., my BFFs. One of the other regulars pegged it--he looked at the both of us & said, "looks like you two need a room." I think we both must have blushed but we didn't move apart either.
Finally we all go into the back & sit & try several beautiful Cabernets as well as my most disliked varietal Merlot. The rep told me that "it would knock my panties off." My response was, "How do you know I don't go commando?" Anyway, I was very pleasantly surprised--it was good! In fact, I may buy it & add it to the only other Merlot in my cellar--one from South America. SM & I were sitting at one end of the row of chairs, then my BFFs & then unfortunately some dude who reeked of the 70's--Old Spice Redux! It killed our palates for the most part. SM & I were the most spared but it wafted our way & SM remarked to me that it was difficult to appreciate the red current & licorice of the Cab when a bad 70's movie was playing in the background.
As we are trying to leave, my BFFs made some purchases, SM & I talk about future plans--dinner Thursday & Eric Lindell in a few weeks. Again, I wish things weren't so complicated with him right now--I know things will change very soon but it's getting harder to be patient.
On my way down to meet my family, late of course, with a pissed-off mother, I stop to text SM (no texting while driving--I was in a parking lot). I said that I hoped I wasn't too silly. Instead of texting back he called me--my music was way too loud & I didn't feel the vibrate either. So eventually I checked my phone & saw he'd called--another level of familiarity. He said he liked that I could be silly & told me about the other wines that were offered after we'd left. I told him I was trying to find the restaurant, which he knew of course, & how late I was. We said good-bye and I just had to stop for a moment & enjoy the fact that maybe finally I had found someone with the right level of sophistication again--with the added plus of being a oenophile. The Bull was not a wine-lover, but he did appreciate world foods & had that level of sophistication that I crave. The last guy I went out with--the one who felt that I could drop by whenever I wanted, truly was lacking in world-sophistication--I knew I'd run circles around him & get awfully bored. This is not being snobby, just that I need to have a convo with a man who knows the difference between curry & galangal. SM gets it & I am cautiously optimistic again....
Levels of Dating and the words to describe them are so awkward--especially when you are in your forties. One of my BFFs--CFW and I were chatting about my current status with SM. I say we're in dating purgatory. We're sorta beyond just dating because we see each other regularly, i.e., last night and plans for the future--seeing Eric Lindell, but it isn't a relationship yet either. It's the in-between time; the gray area. That brings up the inevitable question of how do you introduce someone to him? He's not my boyfriend & he's beyond a friend--awkward. And before you are in an official "relationship"--as I said--what exactly is that called? We're "dating"? Nope. "Friends with Benefits"? Nope. ????.....Especially if it's complicated, which in the case of SM, it is. In the interest of privacy I won't discuss why, but here I am again with a man & our relationship isn't straightforward---sigh. Hopefully soon it will be, but I am literally in purgatory currently. Maybe again the Universe taking pot-shots at me.
Equally difficult is the word "boyfriend". I am 40 plus years old--boyfriend doesn't seem to work--case in point--when I was with the Bull I felt it strange to say "This is my boyfriend D---". I often just said, "This is D---." I would tell people things like "the guy I'm seeing." And if you've read this blog or the archives, our relationship was never really clear cut so that added another level of awkwardness to the discussion. So at forty plus we need a new term for a "boyfriend"--manfriend or middle-aged manfriend, maybe oldmanfriend?
OK, I've got it now. At a wine tasting I could say, "Hi. This is ----. We're in Purgatory." Heh--SM's my Purgatory Buddy!
