Someone asked me recently (I think it was Xing Fu--probably was..), if I remembered all of my 50 first dates. I thought about a little bit--and I think I remember most of them--I have a certain fondness for them all...a slight nostalgia if you will. Do I miss it? Mebbe a teensy, tinesy, little bit. But so little that I hardly miss it. It was a hugely interesting time in my life--not always all that fun, mind you, but most definitely, interesting. In fact, a guy I think I went out with way, way, back circa 2006 or 2007, tried to friend me on Facebook recently. Ewww. Most of the dudes were nice--I think out of all of the dates I've been on there were only a few total bombs. Not a bad track record. And most of those dates were from on-line dating sites.
I remember way back when in my college days reading the ISO adds & how anyone who did the on-line dating thing was desperate. How that perspective has shifted. I think I never would have met the breadth of guys that I did if not for the computer--never would have happened prior to the popularity of the online sites--I think I hit it at the right time--seemed to start to be a very acceptable vehicle to meet guys around the time of my divorce--2005. Quite sure I wouldn't have gone out as much either. So that certainly is one positive for the online thing--perhaps the distance has skewed my perspective...
Anyway, I was inspired to write this post because I was reading a Facebook friend's own online trials via her wall posts & she posted this afternoon "Call me old school, but when a guy is trying to date me, I still like to talk on phone before a first date, not just texting! WTF LOL" I think a phone conversation can be a good thing--gives an opportunity to see what you're getting into so to speak, but I got to the point that if all the dude did was talk or text & never actually asked me out, then that was a supreme waste of my time. So cutting back on the phone or texting chatter made a lot of sense to me--just cut to the chase, dammit!! I got to the point where I would say in an online correspondence, "Not much into chatting on the phone, more interested in meeting face-to-face & seeing if there's a connection." Most guys appreciated that--if you ain't a good fit, better to find out real quick then to have planned your entire life together out via texts & emails & phone convos--that happened to me a few times--eventually I got smart about it. Cus once you met & there was no connection, well, what are you left with? Hours & hours of wasted time--being in my 40's --not interested in wasting that kind of time. I wanna get to the good stuff! Unfortunately for my online life there wasn't much beyond the first meeting. Ah well.
I received an email this afternoon from a guy from one of the dating sites I thought I'd discontinued a long, long time ago. (I went back & made sure to cancel the subscription.) All of a sudden I was transported back over a year ago to my continued online quest for no more frogs.
"OK, so I appreciated the honesty, charm and smarts of your profile -- rare in the online world. As I read it, I kept nodding my head "Yes" so much, that now I have a neck ache. (You'll be hearing from my attorney.)"
He seemed like a nice, earnest guy--called my desire for a man between the ages of 40-55, "quaint" (he is 59), & seemed rather literate--possibly someone I may have been interested in at the time (but the age difference does give me some pause). While it was nice to receive the email, I am grateful that I am no longer "on the market" & sent Xing Fu an email telling him as much. So strange to think about it--in such a different place--now more worried about communicating thoughtfully & enjoying even the mundane in our relationship. Certainly no more negative alone on Valentine's Day sentiments. Just don't give me any stuffed animals.
Usually I adore a ton of snow--after all, when the schools are closed, I get a free day. Used to wake up on snowy mornings, waiting to hear the closings on the radio, hear my school or system was closed, & shove my skis in my car & hi-tail it to the Pennsylvania Mountains. But I so fervently did NOT want snow this weekend. I had plans, damn--was I pissed. At least I was able to enjoy Friday night.
Friday was a date with an online guy. Haven't been doing too much online stuff--took a break, had other diversions. I figured if a guy emailed & he looked remotely interesting, I'd give it a shot. And, actually, for the first time in a huge while, this guy wasn't a complete loss. Plus he took me to a phenomenal restaurant too--Woodberry Grill. Of course the oysters on the 1/2 and the great Black Ankle '06 Syrah were added bonuses on a truly fantastic dinner. The question, aside from the obvious one is did I like him? Yes, he was a lot of fun. Yes, good conversation. Were there huge sparks? Nope, but it was actually ok. Weirdly I didn't expect them but there were a few so it gives me hope. Or maybe I was more relaxed. Being online hasn't yielded too much so I wasn't expecting this one to be any different & I had mentioned that I'd thought he was a little too eager. And I also had come to the realization that aside from the Bull, the entire raft of online guys had been a big bust for the most part. Pondering it a bit I think it has to do with the fact that these guys pick me & I then I look at them & decide. If I meet someone out doing something, we choose each other--vastly more appealing--just a theory. Anyhoo, I may be willing to entertain round 2 with this guy...
But it was Saturday that I was truly bummed about. I had tickets to Alex Gray's Visionary Solstice Gathering at Sonar. I was seriously looking forward to this--after all, I missed it last year cuz of that guy who had 11 kids! But it appears that the fates were conspiring--sigh. At least it was postponed--there will be a gathering, but perhaps not solstice...I also was looking forward to the company-someone I've come to enjoy quite a bit--we always have so much to talk about--he's fun & comfortable to be around. I like it..safe, and that's a good thing. So another time... but the snow sure was beautiful, albeit quite deep. Being socked in is not my greatest wish--but I made my squash & root veg soup, and baked cookies for the kid, and listened to Radio Paradise while watching the blizzard outside. It was a nice, quiet day--rare but sometimes needed.
~and everyone checked in via some form of electronic device, also nice.
What is it with some men?
Recently I really haven't been dabbling too much in the online dating pool--I guess I was taking a break for a while & I think I've been rather consumed with my current crop of "friends" so there really didn't seem any point. But occasionally I like to pop back in & see what's out there--if anything.
At first, when I was just dipping my toes back into this whole dating process, the only activity I did was the online thingy & as I've said there were a lot of first & only first dates. Recently I've expanded my horizons to include other venues for finding men. As a result I can now make a basic comparison. All this being motivated by some online activity recently--I'll get to that in a bit. So I find that online seems to follow a certain pattern--it feels very contrived & somewhat unnatural. Here is the progression of sorts:
Guy contacts you via email. You check out his profile & decide if 1) he's at least used spell-check & capitalizes all his proper nouns, 2) he actually has something to say beyond, "I'm looking for my soul mate...I think communication is the key to a deep relationship...blah, blah, blah...", & 3) he's at least cute in his pictures. If he passes those parameters then a response may be warranted. Next comes the emails of introduction--stuff like, "Hey! Loved your smile!(I get that a lot), or "liked your top ten list" (yup, my profile contains a Letterman-like top 10). Finally, after a few emails, phone numbers are exchanged. Now here's where it gets dicey sometimes. More on that in a bit. So if there's a couple decent convos on the phone & you seem to have at least a few things to say to one another apart from, "what's your job, etc.?", then meeting for a brief first date is the norm. Usually my first dates have been anything but the norm--ah well. But that is the general gist of online dating.
I have to say that I feel like I've been far more successful when meeting people doing other activities & then cultivating a friendship. The men that I am currently involved with, in one way or another, I've seen far more than once. We may not go on dates but we do things together (not that, per se...all y'all need to get your minds out of the collective gutter!) My point being that I like the old fashioned way of meeting--it seems a bit more successful...who knows...anyway, that brings me back to the recent stuff.
The online dating seems to bring out the needy in some men. The newest guy that I'm actually going to meet soon sends me a ton of texts, & has called me everyday. Sigh--When we've talked on the phone--strike that--when he's talked on the phone, we have had nice discussions. But the constant barrage of texts, etc. is a bit much--we haven't even met yet! That's what I mean--what is it with some men? No, I don't like being ignored, & I do enjoy receiving texts from my men regularly, but I know them & we have fun stuff to say to each other, pictures to send, etc., etc. Sad thing is, I tend not to respond to this guy's texts & often don't pick up the phone when he calls. So not my usual behavior--any one of my friends knows that my phone is attached to my hip, & I usually respond quite promptly unless there really is something I can't interrupt or I'm at TKD, sailing, whatever. Why so blase? Not too sure--I think it does have something to do with being heavily pursued before even meeting--makes me want to run right in the opposite direction & already casts a pall over our initial meeting. Bleh! So we'll see--will he join the ranks of the 50 first dates or will he pass go & collect a 2nd date with me?
