The Secret

I keep seeing this piece of advice & I know that I've talked about it before.  Relationships rarely work when one or the other person involved doesn't feel like their needs are met emotionally.  This key need goes way back to childhood-- believe it or not when you were sitting on the kitchen floor in a fit of crying rage as a 5 or 6 year old, calling out for mommy or daddy & they didn't come running to make it all better, whatever it was.  Whatever the need was, it gets echoed as an adult when you feel like your significant other isn't hearing you, respecting you, or appreciating you & that big empty chasm of emotional need opens its yawning mouth in your chest. Sucks if that's where you are in a relationship & usually the outcome is eventually a break-up or divorce, if the couple doesn't try to get things back on track.  I remember reading the book entitled The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman & talking with Xing Fu about it very early on in our relationship & we both took the quiz to find out what ours were. Here's a link to an online version: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/  I think it's important to revisit stuff like that every once in a while--good to spark a discussion & a check-in to see how we're doing.  If needs are met--great!  A relationship can then build great intimacy, trust, and ultimately a wonderful commitment. I know that when I feel like we've connected well, my inner anxious child ( who just loves to taunt me) quiets a bit, & lessens her strangle-hold on my often inability to trust. Overall calm prevails & harmony in the household (cue little chirping birds & friendly bunnies). 

I think this emotional need is especially important when you are in the middle of a blended family.  There are just too many opportunities to feel unappreciated, resentful, & anxious.  Maybe that's why so many "step-families" don't make it.  The primary couple loses track of what they need from one another & then the children find the chinks in the armor to create discord.  It may not be so intentional on the children's part (or maybe it is), but deep in the dark reaches of children of divorce, who wouldn't want mom & dad reunited? I know that both Xing Fu & I work hard at our relationship & try to stem the insurgencies, whatever they are.  One of the hardest things to do is to remain a solid unit & we work on this a lot--because when it breaks down, I know that's when the trigger is pulled on my emotional needs.  I feel that anxiety & resentfulness climb up my throat.  And then my trust is shaken....vicious circle to be sure.

All of this is advice for an established relationship--and if you are feeling disconnected & unloved--start a discussion--not accusatory like "YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" But suggest that you want to re-kindle the spark or go look at the link to take the quiz.  Sometimes this stuff seems silly, but ultimately, I don't think so--if your partner really is vested, at least they will try....

I began thinking about all of this because an acquaintance of mine just doesn't seem to get it--I've been watching her on again, off again, rather abusive relationship unfold on FB for about 8 months now.  It reminds me a little bit about my ill-fated relationship with the Bull.  She tends to run head-long into what she terms as "in a relationship" with guys who just never meet her emotional needs--and it's one after another--2 weeks on, then done, & then another dude.  All the while she keeps claiming that all she wants is someone who will be with her at night & watch TV, etc., etc.  You know--grow old with me kinda thing.  These guys are just so inappropriate--but I guess they meet an initial need--the rush & flush one gets at the beginning of a relationship.  And even after this dude cheats on her, borrows money & doesn't give it back, cheats on her again, buys her roses, & then disappears, she still wants him back. I really hope that she takes a real look at herself & figures out what she needs from herself first & also what she needs from a mature man as none of these guys is very mature. Then & only then will she be able to find her "grow old with me guy" I think.  Yeah, some schadenfreude, but also my wish for her to eventually figure it out--everyone deserves to feel loved don'tcha think?

Aged Wine

 "Relish love in our old age! Aged love is like aged wine; it becomes more satisfying, more refreshing, more valuable, more appreciated and more intoxicating!" --Leo Buscaglia


A couple of weekends ago, Xing Fu's dad & stepmother came for a visit from Texas.  They are both is their 80's & are in great shape--I hope I'm that well off when I'm that age.  But I digress--what struck me the most was how touchy-feely, romantic they were.  Maybe it was over-the-top a bit (he knelt to help her put on her shoes at one point), but I was smitten myself at how devoted they seemed to one another. I remarked to Xing Fu about how they were after they left & he agreed.  He said that his dad wasn't like that when he was growing up, & wondered if it was the woman who made him a different man or just the time in his life.  I guess the romantic in me hopes that it had something to do with the woman--probably because it's his father's second marriage, and it has lasted for quite some time.  Of course it is my desire that we might be the same way & that we both have brought out the best in one another.  Either way, it was wonderful to see such devotion & visual examples of commitment. And I hope that both my son & Xing Fu's daughters saw what I saw as well--that love can last into older age & be just as romantic as when one is in one's youth.  To that end, Xing Fu left me a little note one morning this week as I'm on vaycay from work & he drove my son to school for me.  When I sent him an email later that day to thank him he wrote back that he wants "wants to be all lovey-dovey in 30 years like my parents."  And I think he's worked towards that as have I--last night I satisfied my bet from last year's NCAA tournament by taking Xing Fu to Woodberry Kitchen for dinner.  (Every year we bet on our brackets--loser takes the winner out to a really nice restaurant--I've won only once--boo!).  Very romantic of course but nothing too extraordinary except this morning after I'd posted last night on FB the following, "Lovely dinner with Xing Fu at Woodberry Kitchen & the food was pretty awesome too!" His response (very rare as he's hardly ever on FB), "Yes, lovely dinner with a lovely woman. What more could I ask?"   I hope we continue like this in 30 years too.

Girls Juxtaposed

Hannah: Please don't tell anyone this, but I wanna be happy.

Hannah: I realize I'm not different. I want what everyone wants. I want what they all want. I want all the things. I just want to be happy.

--Girls "One Man's Trash" Season 2, Episode 5

Strange how things just hit you at the right time. I've been watching the HBO show Girls--which I LOVE, btw. But what I was so fascinated with was how lives change--I remember watching this episode rather transfixed & rather uncomfortable because here was Hannah, all of 24 years old hanging out (OK, fucking) with Joshua, a middle-aged (albeit very hot) guy of 42.  It was like holding up a mirror to my former self & my current self. So un-grown-up back then.  How did I ever get from where Hannah is to where I am now?  Because really Hannah's character doesn't like to admit that she "wants what everyone wants."  She prides herself on being outside the norm--and when I was that age, well, so did I.  I was a real "hippie chick" & I very much flaunted that.  Yeah, there's still a lot of crunchy left in me now, but here I am--kinda like Joshua, with a nice house, nice art, stuff, etc., comfortable.  Not on the edge like Hannah--not the way I used to be--very unsettled--not a grown-up.  I look back I try to figure out where becoming comfortable happened along the way.  Because, honestly, that coulda' been me back in the day--having the fantasy of a settled life, of domesticity, but trying hard not to admit that I really wanted it. And now, after watching that episode, I'm really happy to be where I am now. Perhaps the point at which one becomes a "grown-up" is when the kids arrive--I do remember having to give up my old habits & suck it up for my kid--and I did grieve the freedom at one point.  But, I had to change. And rolling forward almost 20 years--here I am now.

The other part of this particular episode reminds me of an old blog post--
http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2009/12/emotionally-unavailable.html  where I describe my various "men" and specifically talk about my "Music Buddy" aka, Xing Fu.  What did Hannah represent to Joshua?  His marriage had just broken up, & perhaps what had been missing is just what I wrote in the blog post back then, "I think he's attracted to me because I may represent some piece of his life that he wishes he had--a certain exoticism perhaps...I don't know."  I think for Joshua, Hannah was just that--his break from reality into what used to be--the complete opposite of domestic bliss.  Which reminds me--I do not want to fall into the old trap of "been there, done that."  I hope that we maintain our "exoticism" along with our domestic bliss. But that's for another blog post....

I also really love the last shot of the that show--Hannah waking up, making the bed,  & making breakfast, & then taking out the trash (the episode starts with trash & ends with trash--lots of cool imagery/ideas/themes)--still in the future--still domestic & then watching Hannah walk down the street--back to her real life--back to the years before she can claim that she's ready for "all the things."  Cool episode.

Snowkidding!

Remember this?

3 years ago in early February there was a snowmageddon or a snowpocalypse, depending on your preference (yup, using those stoopid weather cliches as best I can) & Xing Fu & I spent our first weekend together as a couple holed up in his condo with my dog Buddy (*sniff*, *sniff*, R.I.P. big guy) & painted his daughters' bedroom along with watching Hedwig & the Angry Inch for the first time.  Certainly a test of initial compatibility. I know neither of us could imagine back then where we are now--buying a house together, blending our families, essentially a married couple. What a difference three years makes.  So sitting at home together while the snow (ha!) comes down three years later is kinda an anniversary of sorts--at least of a dubious distinction....I will never forget our drive to his condo that evening of the storm--I think we were both crazy to attempt it--shoulda stayed at my house but 2 crazy, stubborn people by will alone forced the car up that snowy hill to the condo. And it was the beginning of it all.  Here's the post from back then if anyone's interested: http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2010/02/snowbound-test.html

Days like today are good ones for reflection--what have we done well together, what can we work on, & what can we plan for our future together.  Also, this kind of day is good to be grateful for the companionship & love that we've found in each other.  Bashert to be sure. And we don't need a ring to show it.  Below is a little advice infographic that  came across that seems to sum up a lot of what I try to do--especially number 5, which is what this post is about:
 

Marriage Variations

I have a subscription to More magazine--yep, the 40+ rag for woman who've "outgrown" Cosmo & Glamour (I still read them even if it isn't targeted for my demographic) & I recently came across a very good article about the "9 Ways to be Married" by Doren Allen.  I often get questioned by well-meaning folk about when Xing Fu & I will get married or if we are getting married.  Let me set the record straight--we're not.  Ever.   And yes, sometimes a little niggle of doubt creeps in--since we aren't married, what does that mean in the long run? It is still considered the ultimate commitment. And even to this day, after statistics show that the institution of marriage is lessening, people overwhelmingly feel that marriage is still the way to go to demonstrate your undying love.  Even if you buy a house together, write wills that lay out specifically that you are together & deserve all of those rights of marriage, etc., etc., there are still difficulties with NOT being married.  So I was gratified to see that More had this article highlighting 9 different "marriages" & that our choice was number 2: Living Together, No License. Here are the statistics from the article: The US Census Bureau says that 15.3 million heterosexual Americans co-habitate.  47% are 35+ & 13% are over 55.  And really, after both of us failed at being married the first time, mebbe, just mebbe, it is better without it.  It's not like the expectations are any different--we are just as committed to each other as if we were married so why do we need a piece of paper to prove it? The naysayers like to indicate that it is easier to call it quits & walk away instead of working at our partnership.  Yes, on the surface it might appear that way, but we own property together, along with a host of other things that make it very difficult for either one of us to "just walk away." And frankly, I work hard at this & resent anyone who tells me that our relationship doesn't matter as much or mean as much because we aren't married.  The rest of the article has many other forms of "marriages" including gay marriages, open marriages, & modern traditionals.  Read it--it is very interesting.

My second part of this post has to do with a Your Tango article entitled "5 Marriage Mistakes That Lead to Divorce". http://www.yourtango.com/experts/kim-olver/5-marriage-mistakes-lead-divorce  They all made a lot of sense.  I was especially taken with the 5th one:

Major changes in priorities – major changes in priorities can cause an end in a marriage. People grow and change; sometimes they grow together in the same direction and other times they grow apart. There are other people who never change and are the same person fifty years into the marriage. What can be problematic and end relationships is when one or both partners change their priorities in ways that are unacceptable to their spouse. Some people mentioned a major change in religious beliefs and practices could strain the relationship, some people talked about putting jobs or children before the marriage and yet others complained of drastic changes in friendships or relationships with in-laws. Again, I think it comes down to trust and consistency.

When I reflect on my failed marriage, I think this one was it.  Neither of us cheated--the number one reason (and one that I would end a relationship on--reference to the Bull).  We really did grow apart & by the time we figured that out, it couldn't be fixed.  This time, I think Xing Fu & I realize that communication is the key--check in, make sure we're moving forward & if we're not, deal with it immediately & make our relationship the priority.  So, we may not be happily married but in my mind we are happily married.

Habits

OK--obligatory Valentine's Day post---the love of my life & all that rot!  Funny, when I look back, I was truly, madly, deeply, head over heels.  Perhaps not so giddy 3 years out but I am still truly, madly deeply & that's a very good thing. I came across a little article about good habits to keep married couples strong.  Yeah, Xing Fu & I aren't married but in a lot of ways it feels like we are so I tend towards these kinds of articles. I really liked what this one had to say in particular.  These are really simple things--nothing extraordinary. 

Like not trying to change one another--yeah, I really wish Xing Fu would do some things differently but I fell for him the way he is so why would I want to change him now?  (OK, I admit, I'd like to try sometimes & I have to pinch myself occasionally not to).  

Or saying out loud why you appreciate him---men need to be stroked (get those minds out if the gutter--YEESH!)  Tell him what a great dinner he made the other night--remember the old saying you need 5 positives to 1 negative comment--how locked into the negative nit-picky stuff do most couples get?  Make it a new habit--send an email of appreciation, a text, a squeeze...you get it.  Keep the positive in the relationship--appreciation goes hand in hand with that.

Make sure that you are an ally--don't side with the enemy.  This was a big mistake that I made with my first marriage--I allowed my mother's negative crap get in the way of my relationship with my ex.  I should have looked to someone else to vent about him--not someone who already wanted him out of my life.  I have Xing Fu's back  & he has mine--we can vent about whatever we need to without the other criticizing.  Very important I think.

Don't get too comfortable--some things should just remain a mystery--'nuff said!  Along side of that--don't stop trying--don't get so complacent that you don't date each other anymore--date nights are important!  I never thought that until now--I alays thought it was hokey--it ain't!!

And my favorite:  Reminisce.  Re-visit those giddy days of first love.  Xing Fu & I have a ritual (another habit of strong couples).  Every year we re-watch Hedwig & the Angry Inch.  It was early on in our relationship when I tested him to see how open he was to movies of that ilk & how much he saw the love story as well.  He passed with flying colors & now, right around Valentine's Day or thereabouts, we watch it again.  I am nostalgic by nature so I love this suggestion.  

There are a few more & here is the link for everyone to see it--from MSN: http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/year-of-happiness/slideshow?cp-documentid=254478230#1

Enjoy & Happy Valentine's Day! 





 

Hold It In

Jump into that water and see for yourself
Take a deep breath and hold it in
Hold it in
She's got a secret
And she wants to tell
But I made a promise to hold it in
Hold it in

Hold It In--Jukebox The Ghost

It has been a while since my last post--mebbe that's a good thing--it means that I've been living my life with its ups & downs & generally having more ups than downs.  There have been a few--downs--like the continuing struggle with the youngest skid who really makes it hard to like her.  And instead of venting my spleen here, I went to a step mother discussion board sponsored by StepMom Magazine http://www.stepmommag.com/ & got some good advice. Like the song from above--I do a lot of holding it in as a step mom.  I find it hard to admit that there are many times that when the SDs don't come over for whatever reason, I'm way happier.  It makes life much easier.  Saying that made me feel that I was a bad person--also being done with them on Sunday mornings--wishing that the weekend was over & they were going home.  It's not that I don't want them around or that I don't like them, it's just that it is very hard to maintain an unruffled & pleasant appearance--very stressful.  They cannot seem to handle that I have emotions too--that sometimes I get angry & slam a door or yell.  So every other weekend I'm on eggshells.  And the youngest doesn't make it easy as I said--the whole one step forward, two steps back kinda' thing, so that's why I sought advice because I was really at my wit's end.  Here's what one woman had to say:
 
I think a lot of times "I don't like her" really means "I don't like that my life is changing and my dad is changing so I am going to try to change it back to the way it used to be." Unfortunately, this usually plays out as an issue with the woman who walked into the situation, wondering what she possibly got herself into. It's easier to blame the new person because "those issues were not there before."
Give space and take space. There is no rush. You do not have to like each other, just treat each other with common courtesy. At some point your BF will have to take your side and stand up for you. It is not easy for them to do.

That was very helpful because it reminded me that it does take time & we're still new at this--and there will be setbacks.  Another woman had this to say:

I think one thing to remember is all that you are feeling is normal. The fact that you enjoy your time without the stress of having the girls there. That's normal! The fact you want to send them back to their BM when you've had enough -- normal! And it's also normal for the kids to have wishful thinking that their parents will get back together or that they will have their father to themselves when they choose to be around him. All normal.

Reading the responses on the forum really helped me--I have come to realize that sometimes I must have "a grin & bear it, slap a smile on my face" attitude when I am being pushed around & hope that I can contain my own emotions without losing it & saying what I'm really thinking.  I do that a lot when the skids are around.  This step parent gig really is one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I know Xing Fu is worth the effort but sometimes it ain't easy being green.  

But I end on a positive note--a good encounter--this past weekend my "M-I-L" was in town with the stepdaughters here too.  Never easy but I decided to do my thing with my besties & go wine tasting--definitely needed--I took some space for myself--something else that was recommended by other step moms.  And then I took my DS (Dear Son) & the middle SD to a sold out  Jukebox The Ghost concert at the Ottobar.  The three of us had a great time--all of the bands were great--first was the Lighthouse and the Whaler, then Matt Pond, & then JBTG.  I was happy to take them & I think it went a long way in building a positive relationship with the middle SD. So I know it can happen--at some point mebbe I can have a positive relationship with the youngest SD like that.  I don't know, but I keep working at it--like going to a basketball game when I'd much prefer to be out with the BFFs more, etc.  Time, Time, Time.....