I really like this blog post from Huffington Post blogger Magda Pecsenye. She talks about the guys that women will date & what they ought to be like. It is a very encouraging post. But first I want to chat about the guys who a newly minted post-divorce dater may run up against. When I began dating after divorce I really ran into some doozies. Pecsenye talks about "The Dude Who Never Learned". Yeah, I seemed to find a lot of those guys. Scratching their heads wondering why their marriages failed--chasing the younger chicks--very young chicks, & wondering why you don't fawn all over him when he brags about his car, boat, job, money, etc., etc. In other words, a very superficial guy who learned NOTHING from his failed marriage. Yikes!! These men are often the "confirmed bachelors" who never found the perfect girl. Any of you newly single post-divorce women out there--make sure you recognize the signs--they can be very charming & a lot of fun but there will never be a future. Expect that the previously married ones have accounts with Ashley Madison & are always looking for, as my friend C says, "the bigger, better, deal" or BBD.
Eventually, you may tire of these guys & actually start to look at some of the options that you passed on early on. These guys may not be the most exciting at first glance but they turn out to be just about perfect for the reasons that Pecsenye points out in "6 Things About the Men You'll Date After Divorce".
She's right--basically, these guys do "really like you." They're appreciative of who you are & what you have to offer, warts & all. They are honest & do not play games. Who has time for that crap? I don't. One of the reasons I liked Xing Fu was because he was honest. There are no hidden agendas--I've said that about him before. And as far as I know there are no Ashley Madison accounts....And, when Pecseyne talks about not texting or calling--it has nothing to do with nefarious intent & everything to do with being busy with kids, work, a Duke basketball game--Xing Fu always, always got back to me. Yeah, he's really obsessed during March Madness, but I've decided it is a lot of fun & I look forward to it as well--something that we can share. What you see is what you get--that is all.
Here are a few other reasons right from the post--
They might be hurt. Whether it's stuff from a
previous marriage and divorce, stress from being single for so long,
work and life pressure, or just the normal crap that happens to boys
that they're not allowed to talk about but that they bring with them
into manhood, men this age are unlikely to not have something hurting
them that they carry around without realizing it. That means that
sometimes their urge is to self-protection, and that doesn't mean that
they don't trust you or don't want to be with you. It just means that
they aren't perfect, and that they could use a friend. If you two can
become real friends -- the kind of friends who help each other heal by
being honest and trustworthy and loyal -- then you'll both have someone
to trust, whether or not you end up together romantically.
They like sex. And they're radically better at sex
than they were 10 or 15 years ago. They're better at individual acts, at
pacing, at appreciating your body, at paying attention to what's
working for you, at doing something explosive together. They have a more
mutual view of pleasure than they did when they were younger, and
they're more confident in themselves and their bodies. They're really
happy to be having sex with you, and they're happy that you want it with
They're good at their jobs, but it's not how they identify themselves.
By now they've done the whole "master of the universe" career-building
thing, so they've gotten really good at what they do. But they've also
figured out that it's not the only thing that gives them identity, and
isn't the most important thing about them. This gives them confidence,
but also makes them more interesting to talk to than guys in their 20s
who self-identify by their job titles. Men over 35 will tell you what
their jobs are, but then they talk about "what they do," whether it's
hang out with their kids, play soccer, take pictures, or whatever else
has their heart instead of just their working hours.
Those guys are out there--believe me, I should know. I'm very lucky to have found one.