Sunday, February 28, 2010

We Are WAAAAY Too Old For That!

Facebook is certainly an interesting phenomenom. Everybody loves to talk about how they've reconnected with high school friends, etc. & I'm no exception.  I had occasion today to have coffee with my "big sister" from Alpha Chi Omega--we haven't seen each other really since we left school & here we were having a coffee & talking about our lives as single women--she's recently separated.  It was wonderful to see her--she looks amazing!  And the great part about it is that we really don't live too far apart so future face-to-face meetings will certainly happen.  That is the great part about Facebook.  Unfortunately I have also witnessed the seamy underbelly of Facebook as well.

Another friend of mine is currently dealing with a nasty situation.  What blows me away is that these 40+ year old women are acting like classroom bullies!  She is being threatened & bullied by other women who have kids & families, etc. and yet feel justified in posting things like "Don't worry, -----, I've got your back--I'll pull her scalp off, &....".  WTF???!!!   And the woman who started the thread is encouraging others by saying things like, "Hey, ----, what ya' got?"  Egging others to post threatening stuff too!  How old are we?  Come on!  Grow the FUCK up!!  Obviously these women have nothing better to do with their lives than to make an incredibly funny & kind woman feel threatened that they'll show up at her house and make real what they say.  Frankly, I'm disgusted...these women have children who themselves have FB accounts--what are they modeling?  It is very scary....

Which brings me to my final point--I am taking this forum to publicly say how lucky I am for my BFFs.  They are amazing & vivacious women (I know I've said this before, but the above situation just reminds me how much I do appreciate them) who have stood by my side without question.  We had so much fun at our winetasting yesterday--it was just us, which hasn't always been the case, & we were in rare form.  Laughing uproariously at a business card from a winemaker that was laden with sexual inuendo--"quivering, bare skin bathed in the full moonlight..."  Just enjoying each other....Facebook can never supply that--glad that we put FB aside so we can be out in the world living great lives!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The List

Every woman has one--you know, the one where you list the qualities that you want in a man.  Don't deny it--you know you do!  Or at least the single women do--and that's where we ladies get in trouble I think.  Recently, there's been a big brouhaha about "Settling" for a man.  I think it's been triggered by a new book by Lori Gottlieb entitled Marry Him: The Case for Settling For Mr. Good Enough.  Anyone who's been reading this blog knows I have a problem with that in a very fundamental way.   I always have said that I refuse to settle and I don't think I have but, and here's where I think Ms. Gottlieb has been misunderstood--even by yours truly.  She says the following:

"The majority of single women who responded to a survey I sent out said that getting 80% of what they wanted in a mate would be settling.  The majority of single men said finding a woman with 80% of what they wanted would be a catch.  For these women, it seemed, "settling" meant not much less than everything."  --Washington Post

Last night I pulled out my list--yup, I have 100 things listed--I made it a few years ago when I started dating in earnest.  I think I may have been incited by the book The Secret in which you're supposed to ask the universe for what you want & you will receive it--the mere act of creating the list is supposed to help facilitate it or something...hmmmm....not too sure about that but I did it anyway cuz I was curious what I'd put down.   Soooo, upon reflection I think even then that I didn't think it was necessary to have 100% of what was on my list & in my reality, 80% wasn't settling but was great.  I think in my mind I am more similar to the guys here--in the world of Special Education--80% is the target--I'd say I'd have a catch with 80% of my list & no I don't feel that I'm lowering my standards or "settling" at all.  

I think most single 40 y o women need to rethink their lists.  That 80% really is a catch & is certainly not settling.  Case in point--after all this reading I've been doing recently--the Atlantic Review article & Slate as well as this excerpt from the Post, I do believe that getting most of what's on your list is fine--if not actually pretty awesome.   Additionally, I was reading an article in Glamour magazine a week ago about redefining what a woman is looking for.  Instead of "having a sense of humor like Tracy Morgan", a guy should make me laugh.  Maybe no one else gets his humor but if I do, then that's all that counts, really.  

Perfection does not exist--ok, so maybe he's a couple inches shorter than your ideal, or the receding hairline is REALLY receding, but what about the 80 other things on the list?  Does he make you laugh?  Can you talk until 4 AM & still know that you haven't finished?  Does he treat you with respect?  In the words of Steve Harvey, does he treat you like you are a "Keeper" fish or a "Sport" fish?  See where I'm going with this?  I can still be head over heels with 80% and that ain't settling!  Time to re-frame your thinking, ladies!  

I came to this conclusion because I was curious myself about my BF--where does he fit compared to my list?  So yes, I pulled it out & let him look at it.  Nope, he doesn't have everything--but the important qualities, the ones at the top of my list--the ones that you put down from your gut as opposed to having to really think hard about it,  well he does have those & frankly, those are the most important anyway.  It was a deeply personal thing to share with him, but it certainly aligns with why we get each other--we seem to be more alike than different, & I knew that ultimately he'd appreciate & respect my goofy little list.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Massively Busy

This weekend was a whirlwind of massive proportions--I don't think I checked Facebook or any other emails the entire weekend--just so much going on--I even meant to blog a little but just never got to it.  Being back at TKD is wonderful!  I am sore but I am just so happy to be back on the mat...feels like coming home.  That was Friday night.  Saturday brought the annual Bowing Ceremony--for some reason this year there were a lot of tears--it was very moving.  Both my son & I received a rare hug from our Grandmaster, which was very nice--a good feeling going into my son's Demo Team performance today.  I am always grateful to be part of this group of people--TKD isn't just a sport--it's a caring & supportive community--

Prior to the Bowing Ceremony it was the obligatory Wine Tasting with the best friends, although this time Xing Fu joined us.  This was also the first time BFF(A) met him so another test of a sort.  Also, since SM was also there, it was kind of a slightly awkward moment as I watched for reactions from both guys--they both knew of the other's existence--but in this case most of my attention was where it needed to be (of course the wine!) but mostly on Xing Fu.  My BFF(J) said that SM seemed a little like a lost puppy...not so sure about that, but what can I say?  Missed opportunity.  

Saturday evening Xing Fu & I had some fun music plans....the rescheduled Alex Gray Winter Solstice Festival.  No longer Winter Solstice but it was cool just the same.   A great local band, Telesma, with all types of musical instruments, including a didgeridoo,  played some intense music  while Alex Grey & his wife Allison painted original works.  Amazing talent was on serious display--super show & a lot of fun.

 After the concert Xing Fu & I found ourselves talking until 4 in the morning--we always have so much to say to each other & just laughing--he is so easy to be with--I always enjoy our time together--again I say, I am a lucky gal!  Even now as I write, I have a huge grin on my face...

Today was my son's Demo Team--they kicked ass!  I was so proud of the team--synchronized to the max--just awesome!  

Later dinner with Xing Fu & then home to wrap the weekend--it was massive--I was surrounded by the people I care about & am grateful for--again, lucky, lucky, lucky...Karma can be a very good thing!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


What is it about my blog & people who snoop? This is the second time that my blog has been used to out a relationship--I guess I should get it by now. But in all honesty there is nothing to out--my current relationship situation is totally above board--so for those who spend hours trying to analyze every nook & cranny of what I've written to attempt to find subversive & dishonest behavior, well, all y'all need to look somewhere else! Everything I've written about is honest--I am not very good at putting lies out into the stratosphere--anyone who knows me & reads this blog can tell you that much..what you see is what you get. And with regard to my relationship with Xing Fu--it is as honest as it can get--which is a massive relief--he has integrity & character--such important qualities for me.

Again I thought about shutting down the blog or making it "Invitation Only" but after much discussion & thought, I decided that I had nothing to hide and as Xing Fu so aptly put it--that this blog is a part of me--that writing is integral to who I am. If folk like to read it, great. If not, it ain't really for them anyway. Feel free to say what you want--but as
Baltimore Magazine pointed out--I never name draw your conclusions about the identities of the folk I write about, but people can't be 100% sure if who they think I write about is indeed that person.

One other note--the tracker sees all....

Monday, February 15, 2010

Valentine's Day

I am so predictable. Of course I would post about Valentine's Day this year. Last year I escaped to the Princess Room because I knew that my Valentine's Day with the Bull would be a bust. I was so right about that. This year was the complete opposite...I made a great dessert which was very appreciated on many levels & I spent it with my uncommon & exciting BF who seems to make me sing whenever he is over...I am a lucky chickie--I say this a lot, I know. But it is what I feel & reflecting on past Valentine's Days brings up the feelings of gratitude I have for the Universe....

Valentine's Day when you are single can really suck! As I've indicated, the last few years I've escaped to Florida to visit my folks during VD weekend because the thought of being at home without anyone was just so depressing. In fact, I've noticed that a few folks on Facebook have had similar sentiments. What concerns me is the depth of some of the pain they've put out there. Even in the height of my anti-Valentine's Day sentiments, I never hit rock bottom or held out that a lost love would come back, or advertise a horrid break-up (other than on this blog--but I don't think anyone could accuse me of being deeply depressed as a result). I don't know their full story of course but I hope that they're getting some therapy....We single gals always talk about how sucky VD is when there's no one & of course Sex & The City talks about it as well as the new Valentine's Day movie, which I saw on Friday--cute fluff but predictable of course. My point to all this is: yeah, I know I am blessed with a great guy now, but I wasn't always, & so I am truly grateful for what has come my way. All of my friends say that I deserved to be happy & I am--almost deliriously so, but been there, done that & I appreciate what others are going through now. It will get better! Positive attitude speaks volumes--that's what I think I had going for me all of the time--that I never gave up hope & always looked to the future.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Finding A Rhythm

It's been over a month now & things are great between us & continue that way...mush & all. As time passes, we need to find a rhythm to our relationship & that ain't easy! Between our kids' schedules & our schedules, & work....finding time. (I remember some dude I had a first & only date with last spring telling me that I was too busy to have a relationship--I think I told him that if I like someone I'll make the time. I didn't make anymore time for him.) Since I have my kid 100% of the time, I imagine that asking my friends for favors wears thin occasionally, I'm sure. I owe my BFF(J) big time for last week's snow storm--case in point. I think my son even has a toothbrush over there--his second home. Next week he goes with his granddad so I'll have a fairly free weekend--but the shuffling continues--good thing he has a lot friends--he is often spending the night at someone's house, which certainly makes it easier to coordinate then. But it is a juggling game constantly.

We try to see each other a few times during the week, and it is usually later because of all of the activities--a few hours here or there...patience is the key. I always look forward to longer times together but right now they are few--that's what I mean about establishing a rhythm--seeing how the pattern of our separate lives looks & then trying to find the merge--it's still pretty new so it can be a bit difficult. I know there are a lot of things we want to do together--like going to a wine tasting or skiing, the beach, or maybe going to a museum but so far we just haven't been able to coordinate those things yet--perhaps these crazy blizzards have had an impact--they seem to hit us at the most inconvenient times....

So we keep plugging at it & so far I've been satisfied that we are maximizing our ability to spend time together--the phone call this morning was a very welcome surprise--just knowing he's thinking of me makes me feel warm & happy. Of course the roses on Thursday night added to that overall wonderful feeling as well....

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Snowbound Test

Any test to a new relationship is the time that you first spend an entire weekend together. That usually doesn't happen too quickly & Xing Fu & I haven't been seeing each other that long so this Blizzard of 2010 was a true test. We were both a bit worried but didn't say anything. The storm was imminent and he was heading to my place. We wanted to see each other over the weekend but were definitely concerned about the snow--he had numerous projects to tackle at his place & I had my dog who couldn't be left at my place obviously, so being snowed-in was a concern. (My kid spent the blizzard at his best friend's house--he was much happier there then being stuck with his mom--that 'tween stuff--moms just ain't so cool).

So what to do? I didn't want him to get stuck at my place because I'd feel horrible if he didn't get his projects completed, but could I suggest that I bring my dog to his place & help him? That was a huge imposition one, and two, that assumed he'd be ok with it. Also--as my friend CFW stated, "there's another test of a relationship--the home project test." Soooo...a lot riding on this snow storm...would it make or break us?

Anyhow, the dog came with me to his place. And then the snow, snow, snow, snow. On Saturday afternoon, we both looked at each other with relief & said that we'd been a bit worried about being stuck together for this long, that the projects wouldn't get done or that we wouldn't work well together, & that the dog would shed everywhere or be a bad houseguest. Again the Karma gods smiled on us--not only was the dog perfectly behaved, but we had a blast, and accomplished everything we set out to do. If anything, it confirmed what we've been thinking all along--that this feels right and we are moving steadily in the right direction.

When I got home on Sunday afternoon my snow service hadn't removed the snow so Xing Fu & I tackled my front walk. He is so concerned about my surgery & how I haven't been cleared by the doc--wanting me to be careful--but so far so good--I just don't expect the guy to do all the work--I need to pitch in too.

Later, we joined my son at BFF(J)'s house to watch the Super Bowl. Yea Saints!!! Again, I was very happy to see how at ease he was with my friends--another test of a sort. The Karmic gods continue to smile & my smile is even larger.

This Blizzard will be one for the record books...mine too.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


See you in your dreams
See you in your dreams
Looking your way,
Holding you close.
I gaze into your eyes,
Touching your soul.

--See You In Your Dreams--TR3 (Tim Reynolds)

"Bashert, (באַשערט, also transliterated besherte, beshert or besherter) is a Yiddish word that means "destiny". It is often used in the context of one's divine soulmate, and thus has romantic overtones."

Is it? It sure feels that way...

Received an email this morning saying:
"Wanted to call you last night. Meant to call you last night. Did not call you last night. Have no idea why not. I'm beating myself up over it now."

I had felt the same way--my response was to cut & paste the same thing & then add: "great minds think alike."

Is this my "corresponding puzzle piece"? And could I be anymore sappy? But it would seem that the universe has answered me--set me up for this--cleared the way & prepared me--after the Bull I think I absolutely appreciate what has come my way & I'm very happy that I didn't tempt Karma either.

Recently I've been reading a few articles posted on Slate ( & Atlantic
Marry Him! - The Atlantic (March 2008) that discuss "settling" when you're in your 40's & single. Frankly I'm glad I haven't...I do believe that things happen for a reason & throughout this blog I have insisted that I won't settle & I haven't! The articles angered me a bit actually. Why should anyone take the guy that they don't want because they feel that there's no one else out there...that just sucks in my humble opinion.