I went to a great party with my sailing friends yesterday--had a super time but had to go it alone. That isn't necessarily a problem, in fact there are two sides to the alone vs. the coupled party. First I needed to get through all of the questions: "Where's Xing Fu?" That took about the first half hour of the party--explaining to all why he wasn't there. Not a bad thing--this was actually the second party I've been to without him and with our sailing friends. And even though I'd have preferred him to be there with me, I think there were some advantages to being there alone. So a little comparison:
With Xing Fu, we'd have been there as a couple & probably interacted more like that with everyone else & certainly we'd have been more into one another. That is very nice of course, but I think one on one conversations would've been far less & the real stories may not have made it to my ears. Also the physical interplay with others would've most definitely been less. You know, the touchy-feely guys, seeing Xing Fu with me would equal no touchie. And yeah, some of it is ok, but as people get stupider drunk, then of course the inhibitions lessen. I did very little drinking & mostly stuck to water because I had to drive back up to Baltimore. I think if Xing Fu was there, I probably would've indulged more. So score for having him there--both being able to have less attention paid to my physical person & that I may have imbibed a bit more & been fine. Plus the comfort of his presence & not having to walk around for the first half hour answering questions.
Yup, I'm a very impatient person. I am no good at waiting so last week was terrifically difficult. Of course thanks to everyone who lent a hand in helping keep my sanity--or not. But this post isn't about the trials of last week as I think I've written just about enough about that. Instead I am writing about another book I just finished. Seems to me that I get handed these books on relationships & dating & I feel the need to comment on them as they apply to my own life these days.
Anyway, this book is on the bestseller list at B & N--The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Actually my BFF(A) introduced it to me last week & I read it during my exile. It was an easy read & it spoke to me quite a bit--I think it's directed more toward married folk but it still holds true for any long-term relationship. He states that each person has a way that they would like their significant other to make them feel loved. They fit into about 5 categories: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, & Physical Touch. So someone may need to hear that they're doing a good job as a parent or in their profession, etc. for words of affirmation. Or a person needs significant time spent with the other person engaging in conversations or activities, etc. Acts of Service could be stuff done around the house--I suspect that my BFF(J)'s hubby is all about that. And the Physical Touch isn't just the obvious--it can be a good back rub or just a quick hug. It makes a lot of sense to me that couples can sometimes lose that component of their relationship after they've been together for a while--& newly dating people usually seem to hit all the highlights because it is so new. I'm glad that I read it--brings insight into what I seem to need from my significant other--and it helped me to realize one of the major parts that was missing from my own failed marriage--we just never recognized what the other person needed although I'm still unsure what my ex's "love language" was. It certainly wasn't mine. Chapman also states that a lot of couples have far different ones--someone may be thrilled by his or her spouse bringing gifts but the other may like when chores get done around the house as an expression of love. So learning which is important is key. There is a survey in the back for the man & woman to take to learn what their styles are.
So I took my half earlier this week & wasn't surprised by my results--too much--I was spread just about dead even across three: Words, Quality Time & Physical Touch--& the touch was the highest (by one point) which surprised me a bit--but as I thought about it I then decided that it made sense--I had often complained to my ex about the lack of physical interaction (not just sex) and how much that used to upset me. So I figured y'all are wondering if Xing Fu took his half or just made light of it as some guys might....
One thing that I really appreciate about him is that he doesn't make light of these things I read or talk about regarding relationships & feelings, etc. He doesn't shrink away from them either--it really helps us to get to know each other better & grow our relationship closer. So in answer, yes, he did take it & wouldn't you know--our scores are pretty much exactly the same--needless to say we weren't too surprised by that.
What is it with some men?
Recently I really haven't been dabbling too much in the online dating pool--I guess I was taking a break for a while & I think I've been rather consumed with my current crop of "friends" so there really didn't seem any point. But occasionally I like to pop back in & see what's out there--if anything.
At first, when I was just dipping my toes back into this whole dating process, the only activity I did was the online thingy & as I've said there were a lot of first & only first dates. Recently I've expanded my horizons to include other venues for finding men. As a result I can now make a basic comparison. All this being motivated by some online activity recently--I'll get to that in a bit. So I find that online seems to follow a certain pattern--it feels very contrived & somewhat unnatural. Here is the progression of sorts:
Guy contacts you via email. You check out his profile & decide if 1) he's at least used spell-check & capitalizes all his proper nouns, 2) he actually has something to say beyond, "I'm looking for my soul mate...I think communication is the key to a deep relationship...blah, blah, blah...", & 3) he's at least cute in his pictures. If he passes those parameters then a response may be warranted. Next comes the emails of introduction--stuff like, "Hey! Loved your smile!(I get that a lot), or "liked your top ten list" (yup, my profile contains a Letterman-like top 10). Finally, after a few emails, phone numbers are exchanged. Now here's where it gets dicey sometimes. More on that in a bit. So if there's a couple decent convos on the phone & you seem to have at least a few things to say to one another apart from, "what's your job, etc.?", then meeting for a brief first date is the norm. Usually my first dates have been anything but the norm--ah well. But that is the general gist of online dating.
I have to say that I feel like I've been far more successful when meeting people doing other activities & then cultivating a friendship. The men that I am currently involved with, in one way or another, I've seen far more than once. We may not go on dates but we do things together (not that, per se...all y'all need to get your minds out of the collective gutter!) My point being that I like the old fashioned way of meeting--it seems a bit more successful...who knows...anyway, that brings me back to the recent stuff.
The online dating seems to bring out the needy in some men. The newest guy that I'm actually going to meet soon sends me a ton of texts, & has called me everyday. Sigh--When we've talked on the phone--strike that--when he's talked on the phone, we have had nice discussions. But the constant barrage of texts, etc. is a bit much--we haven't even met yet! That's what I mean--what is it with some men? No, I don't like being ignored, & I do enjoy receiving texts from my men regularly, but I know them & we have fun stuff to say to each other, pictures to send, etc., etc. Sad thing is, I tend not to respond to this guy's texts & often don't pick up the phone when he calls. So not my usual behavior--any one of my friends knows that my phone is attached to my hip, & I usually respond quite promptly unless there really is something I can't interrupt or I'm at TKD, sailing, whatever. Why so blase? Not too sure--I think it does have something to do with being heavily pursued before even meeting--makes me want to run right in the opposite direction & already casts a pall over our initial meeting. Bleh! So we'll see--will he join the ranks of the 50 first dates or will he pass go & collect a 2nd date with me?
