I've discovered that I'm a very different person when the kids are around--not my kid, the Skids (I'm finding ALL kinds of acronym-like stuff for stepparenting). I am a ball of stress & anxiety--one of my girlfriends stopped by last week to see the new house & as we were sitting at the kitchen table enjoying cold glasses of water (I know, not wine!), she told me that I looked very different from when I lived in my old house--she said that I looked anxious & stressed. Even Xing Fu said something to me about it--that I act differently when his kids are around--wouldn't you if you felt scrutinized & judged at every turn? I don't want to feel that way & when they are not here I definitely relax & am able to think more clearly.
Like this morning as I sat looking around at the boxes still to be unpacked in our bedroom--I thought to myself, "is this what I really want? How did I get here? and, Am I delaying the unpacking because of the drama/trauma I've been going through trying to be the uberstepmom?" I decided that I did want this & that I've gotten to this place because I love Xing Fu & want to share my life with him. Ah, such romantic notions--hard to see because those feelings are often clouded by everything that's been going on. But, as a way to face the fears, & prove my commitment, I unpacked a bunch of stuff.