Christmakwanzakkah

All the stepmom articles, books, etc., love to point out how difficult the holidays are for blended families & I guess I'll get my real taste of that this year pretty soon.  Right now, I was thinking about how a smooshed family such as ours looks at the various celebrations out there.  My son & I are Jewish & light a Menorah, which we are currently doing in or window that looks out on all of the Xmas lights that I discussed in the last blog post.  But Xing Fu's kids are Christian so do we put up a tree, hang tinsel around the house & sing Christmas carols?  My ex is Christian & we never had a tree, deciding that his parents' house was enough tree & Xmas for the kid. I always bought a wreath--not one that was decidedly Xmassy, but one that sorta said, "Happy Holidays."  We did the latkes & Hanukkah at our house.  So at least he had both traditions.  Now, in our new family dynamic, we discussed the tree possibility & decided that since his kids weren't going to be around for Christmas, who would appreciate it anyway?  And, we don't have decorations for it either. I still hang the wreath, though.  I like how it feels celebratory. So, the decision was no tree & no decorations.  But, conundrum!  When do we pass out the presents?  And are they Christmas presents, Hanukkah presents, or some other variant like Kwanzaa? Hence, Christmakwanzakkah.

What will be our celebration?  There's Yule.  Which I just learned about at a Paula Poundstone show last Saturday.  Couldn't have planted a better person in the audience than this dude! He celebrates Yule.  Not the yule log but the celebration created by the Germanic peoples & apparently celebrated by neopagans.  It falls on the 21st (the end of days if you're a Mayan) & runs through January 1st. Of course Yule was integrated into Christianity so there are remnants of course--the yule log, e.g.  Yule is really a celebration of the solstice so that could be a fun time to have our family celebration....

Then there's "Festivus...for the rest of us." Created by the Seinfeld folk--Festivus is generally celebrated on December 23rd. There's the aluminum pole as an direct opposite to holiday commercialism, the airing of grievances, the Festivus Dinner, & the feats of strength. So here are a few other celebratory options.  Now we just have to choose a day to exchange our gifts & have a feast.... 

If I see one more potato latke I'm gonna brechen...made 60 latkes for my son's Christian school so they could experience a little Jewish culture.  Not a bad thing--there are about 10 of us making them so all of the boys can try.  Oy, the smell in my house!

You Don't Look a Day Over 4

Boyfriend, Please! We've Been Together 4 Years!

How is it possible that I missed my "Blogoversary"? Could it have something to do with hurricane SANDY??? That's it--memorable!   Eh, mebbe except that thus far, fingers crossed, eyes crossed, toes crossed, we still have power here in our little space in Towson.  Instead, I was being domestic since I was off of work--baking bread; pumpkin beer bread (used Guiness)  & banana bread.  Wow! What a change from 4 years ago!  My life has done a complete 180 from the beginning of this blog which was inspired by a bad break-up, to living in a new house that I bought with my boyfriend! In fact, I haven't visited Ok Cupid, Match, eHarmony, J-date (NOT for sailors who want to date other J-boat sailors) etc., since the end of 2009.  Ok, I think I may have gone to OK Cupid to show Xing Fu since he had no need to try the online route & was online-dating curious. But since then, nuffin'. And I like not playing with the on-line stuff....generally, there is no longing to meet ex-preachers with 11 kids for a Telesma Solstice concert anymore.  Although, I wouldn't trade some of the whacked-out experiences I've had--just makes me appreciate my new domestic, blended family & the new adventures in stepmom-land and since I'm still not married....Boyfriend, Please! still works.  But if I continue to get, "So, (pregnant pause) when are you & Xing Fu going to get married?", I may have to go get business cards made that say:

             "No, we aren't getting married.
                 No, not anytime soon.
                 Yes, we like it this way.
                 Yes, many couples who don't marry do
                 Better Together."

Ah, co-habitating bliss! 

And last but not least, it is time for you to go vote for my blog.  You can do this everyday from yesterday to November 8th.  Here's the link: http://data.baltimoresun.com/mobbies/2012/voting/rb-vote-kit.php

That wonderful rag, The Baltimore Sun is sponsoring the Mobbies: Maryland's Outstanding Blogs. So go vote for me in the Lifestyle & Personal blog categories--no money but bragging rights! What a great blogoversary present--it's a gift that keeps giving!

Second Generation Stepmom

I have been writing a lot recently about being a new stepmom & I’ve mentioned in the past, that I too, had a stepmom or two, actually.  I’d like to think that I have an idea about what it’s like to be a step-daughter & now I have understanding of being the step-parent as well.  But, it is so funny that being a step-anything never seems to go away—even after 20 + years!  Here’s a story about being an adult step-daughter & how relationships don’t seem to change.  

Back then:

So my dad remarried a woman only 9 years older than me when I was 12.  I’ll call her the Evil Queen or EQ (she was/is very beautiful, but oh, so COLD-hearted—like the queen in Snow White) & I’m not trying to perpetuate the myth of the wicked stepmom either—she just fit the caricature so well. She was not a very good stepmom (I really hope I’m better at it)—I’ve said that before & the trend continues—even after my dad is long gone from this earth—more on that in a bit. She was my first step-mom. My dad & she had a son (19 years my junior)--& then they got divorced.  I gotta say that after attempting to build a relationship with her & having a brother too, it makes it really hard when things go south on a second marriage.  But, then my dad married a third woman & this time, she & I seemed to have a very positive step-mom/daughter relationship.  I was an adult by then with a child of my own so maybe that had something to do with it, idk.  Let’s call her Miss S.  Then my dad died & left no will.  This is where things get icky.  My dad & Miss S were living together but EQ had a key for her then teenaged son.  She went in & took a bunch of stuff from the house—she claimed that it was for my brother’s future since he should have all of our father’s things.   OK, what are my sister & I, no longer our father’s children since the birth of the brother??  Don’t we have claim to our father’s things as well so that we have things to remember him by?  Apparently not, according to EQ.  But, Miss S called me & told me that I should come to my dad’s place immediately & take the things that I wanted before EQ came back & cleaned it all out.  Mind you, my dad lived 80 miles away & I had to take off work & hi-tail it up there.  Miss S was an angel though, because I was able to get some things that were big reminders of my life growing up with my dad, namely some furniture that actually belonged to my mom first.  What I didn’t get was an old Seth Thomas time-clock that belonged to my grandfather—my mom’s dad.  Because when EQ caught wind that I was up there gathering things, she stormed into the house & screamed at me to stop immediately—I was young, this being almost 15 years ago, & was very cowed by her threats.  

Cut to today:

My Mom will be 70 next month & she mentioned to my sister & me that the one thing that she really wanted was her dad’s factory clock back from EQ (who claims she’s saving it for our brother).  Why my brother wants an old clock is beyond me & it really doesn’t belong to either of them anyway.  So my sister called EQ to see if it were possible to have/buy the clock.  She offered a lot more than the thing is worth too.  But the response, even after almost 15 years was, “No. Your brother needs to have something to remember his father by.”  Um, my brother is an adult now!  If he wanted the DAMN clock, he would have it!!  She wants the clock—which is not hers! And he (she) has plenty of stuff (which isn’t his/hers) to remember our father by!!  So as stepmothers go—even after so many years, she still is mean & petty.   I just don’t get it—why is it so important?  We are linked forever by my father, who is long in the ground.  My mom is going to be 70 for god’s sake!  Let her have something of her beloved father’s.  He was very loved by all of us too—and deeply missed.  I guess that I expect that people will figure out that it is better to forge better bonds with one another than to continue old patterns of behavior & interaction—that is my plan for my step-daughters—continue to work hard to form a better bond with them.  Mebbe my expectations are too high.  I hope not.  Come on EQ & bro—do the right thing!  Karma’s a bitch afterall!

Tire Marks

This blog seems to have multiple personalities at times.  Sometimes I write about sailing, sometimes about my relationship with Xing Fu, & recently, very often about being a stepmom & how incredibly difficult that is.  Funny, being a mom is definitely difficult & I sometimes think that I've been putting a hell of a lot more effort into being a stepmom than a mom these days--it is a double-edged sword to be sure.  But in all honesty, it seems that this stepmom gig is harder than the mom gig.  Why is that?  Mebbe it has something to do with the fact that my kid loves me & I love him & we've had years to develop our own peculiar brand of disfunction & this relationship is relatively new & before approximately 3 1/2 years ago, neither of us knew the other existed....

But, I keep working on it & sometimes I feel like I'm spinning my wheels & I also think that sometimes I'm pretty under-appreciated for the things that I do as well.  And recently, after really extending myself so much that I gave up some really important BFF time that I kinda needed, to spend a good portion of the day with one skid, I was just so frustrated because I really did feel somewhat under-appreciated.  And, as if by magic, I downloaded the wonderful resource entitled StepMom Magazine and there it was in this month's issue.  The affirmation I was looking for:

"...what commonly happens is that a lot of men feel uncomfortable showing affection to their wives. They don’t get to be with their kids full time and for many of the men I work with, this is a sorrow for them, to not be with their kids full time. What ends up happening is a lot of wives feel thrown under the bus the week that the kids are there and they are not shown the attention or the affection they desire. They are told by their husbands things like, “I get to see you all the time, but I only get to see my kids half the time.”  From: Eyes Wide Open: An Interview with Gregg Ockun
by MARY T. KELLY, M.A.   http://www.stepmommag.com/monthly-issues/

OK, how true is that!!  And boy have I heard it before....and yes, I totally get the missing seeing the kids full time--I know it would be extremely difficult for me (case in point, whenever my kid is away at camp).  But I shouldn't be cast aside like yesterday's newspaper (do they make those anymore??)  & that is how I feel often & particularly when it's their weekend.  And that isn't reality either.  I like the point that was also made about modeling a good marriage & relationship--it is natural & should be demonstrated to all of the kids--bio & step because neither have seen very positive ones from their parents.  That the relationship is a priority to both of us.  Gregg goes on to say that if he didn't make his marriage a priority, it just sets up further tensions with his wife and well....that leads to further antagonism. He normalizes the marriage.  He makes it a point to make time for the relationship even when his kids are there. 

   "And in order to do that [priority] you have to have respect, you have to show affection, you have to respect your partner’s feelings. And in doing so, I thought it was important that we spend some quality time together, to carve out whatever quality time there is.
It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It can just be a walk in the park or date night or whatever other opportunities come along. And we did that not only when the kids weren’t there. I also made it a point to do it when the kids were with us because that’s what parents who haven’t gone through divorce do. (italics/color added) They go out on their own date night, they go out to the movies and they have a babysitter. Why should we not be able to do that just because I’m having my week with my kids? I think it’s perfectly normal."

Statistics back this approach up apparently.  Most re-marriages end up in divorce & according to the article it has a lot to do with whether the household is "kid-centric" vs. "adult-centric".  It ain't easy finding that balance--practice, practice, practice.  And, oh the guilt--it seems to be the biggest issue that divorced fathers inherit.  And it drives them to neglect the one person who will give them the most support....how do you find the balance?  This seems to be the biggest struggle that we have these days. 

Suck It Up!

I came across a cool blog about being a stepmom called The Erin Experiment www.erinexperiment.com . I liked what I read there--especially her last post about why people feel the need to say to stepmoms to "Suck it up!"  I'm pretty new at this gig & I gotta say to all those folk out there who tell me that "I have to rise above it", or "You knew that he had a ton of baggage", can blow it out their collective ears!  Yeah, I'm well aware of what I signed up for--it just doesn't mean that I truly get it & frankly I probably won't for a while at least--maybe never.  Do you?  Does anybody?  And when will I have the emotional fortitude to rise above the fray?  I think I asked in my last post when do I get a break? And I'm seeing that stepmoms usually don't get a break & are expected to be calm & have a quiet grace--ah, anybody out there believe this load of crap??  OMG!  I think I may be in trouble here--I'm really good at that mantra below in a professional way but when it comes to my personal life, well....I keep looking for gray hair.

I've discovered that I'm a very different person when the kids are around--not my kid, the Skids (I'm finding ALL kinds of acronym-like stuff for stepparenting).  I am a ball of stress & anxiety--one of my girlfriends stopped by last week to see the new house & as we were sitting at the kitchen table enjoying cold glasses of water (I know, not wine!), she told me that I looked very different from when I lived in my old house--she said that I looked anxious & stressed.  Even Xing Fu said something to me about it--that I act differently when his kids are around--wouldn't you if you felt scrutinized & judged at every turn?  I don't want to feel that way & when they are not here I definitely relax & am able to think more clearly.  

Like this morning as I sat looking around at the boxes still to be unpacked in our bedroom--I thought to myself, "is this what I really want?  How did I get here? and, Am I delaying the unpacking because of the drama/trauma I've been going through trying to be the uberstepmom?" I decided that I did want this & that I've gotten to this place because I love Xing Fu & want to share my life with him.  Ah, such romantic notions--hard to see because those feelings are often clouded by everything that's been going on.  But, as a way to face the fears, & prove my commitment, I unpacked a bunch of stuff. 

"Bonus" Families

Worst case scenario

Not to leave any stone unturned as we merge our lives together, I am going to flip the channel from the house (which is overwhelming & stressful by itself) to our continued quest to "blend" our families.  I don't like the term blended family--I was looking on the internet and I found a few articles about moving in together with step-families.  One article called the families "Bonus" Families.  I like that.  Xing Fu's kids are a bonus--a positive addition to my smallish family--I get to be a stepmom to girls--I don't have girls.  I get an opportunity to be a "mom" to girls in my life--something I didn't think I'd ever experience as I believed that I had a boy & that was that.  And conversely, Xing Fu has the opportunity to be a "dad" to a boy--something he never figured on either.  Definitely a bonus.  


Anyway, what I've been reading has to do with successfully smooshing us into a new family unit when we'll all be under the same roof.  And in particular that same roof should be a new one.  Get a great start.  Instead of moving into his place or her place, find a new home.  This can be neutral territory and a fresh start for all.  This eliminates the problems caused by some of the family feeling eternally like "outsiders," and the "insiders" feeling like their territory is being invaded or encroached on.  The cost and trouble of getting into a neutral home might be substantial, but the benefits may be well worth it.

Check.  Got this covered.  In fact, Xing Fu & I signed our first official document together with the realtor last night.  Cool.  And also as a result of last night's meeting the "For Sale" sign goes up in front of the house on Friday.  Wow, I can't believe it is actually happening--it's one thing to have the contractor here working on the house but it's quite another to actually see the sign out front.

The next piece of advice seems to be not to expect that the process will be easy or happen overnight--I am truly learning that now. Don't expect the process of blending families to be easy.  The process is almost always one of the most challenging, frustrating, and heart-breaking experiences of your life.  Expect to go through phases with highs and lows, mistakes and successes, over a period of four to seven years.  Having your expectations too high might crush your resolve to hang in there when things get really hard. 

It has been pretty hard & it has had ups & downs & when you think things are hunk-dory between all of the family members--think again!  I just hope it doesn't take 7 years--everyone will be in college by then!  

And then there's the concerns about discipline & re-directing the kids:

Discipline your own children -- not your step children.  The older the children, the more important this guideline can be.  Work out and agree on some posted "house rules" to be applied to everyone in the home.  Do this in a family council (after you and your spouse have come to terms on the major issues).  Then make sure that you are the primary enforcer with your children, not with your step-children.  Xing Fu & I are already discussing these things & the house rules advice is HUGE--we recognize that even now.  

I find the next piece of advice also very helpful with regard to how one grows the relationship with their step-children:  Become a friend with your step-children.  Friendship should be your primary role with them -- something like a fun camp-counselor relationship.  Consider winking and smiling at them when they get away with something.  Give up completely on the idea of improving the discipline of your step-children.  It's a war you can never win.  Surrender now.  You can be a back-up and support to your spouse at times, but if you come across as more strict, or more consistent than their parent, you will lose.  If you are determined to be a positive influence the behavior of your step-children, keep it 100% positive.  I think we're getting there as well--it is bumpy at times but I see the progress.  

And finally, something that I know I've talked about before & am a firm believer in: Put your marriage first.  The greatest gift you can give your children is the lasting image and influence of a loving, committed, fun relationship between their parents.  Schedule a weekly date night away from the kids, and make it a priority!  Much of your daily communications will be about problems with the kids, but try to make date time a vacation from family problems -- a time to focus on enjoying each other.  Despite other failings in the family, if the children grow up wanting to have a marriage like yours, you've been a successful parent.  Okay, so we're not married but we are committed to one another & are in this for the long haul, hence buying the house.  And I wholeheartedly agree that modeling positive adult relationships goes a long way to helping children grow up to have their own--respect one another.  Show love. I think we're there.  Now to sell the house & hopefully quickly too.
 
 

Oozing in Gently

"You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family.  Families aren't dying.  They're merging into big conglomerates."
--Erma Bombeck

I think one of the best pieces of advice I received about being a "stepmom" (quote marks 'cuz I ain't one officially) was from my mother--a stepmother herself.  She told me that it was important to sit back & watch & not push myself on Xing Fu's kids.  For me that is extremely difficult--I want the most important people in his life to like me & accept me--so anxiety over that translates into the need for over-interest.  I've fought mightily against that trend & I think I've done pretty well with it, but I remind myself often to sit back & let the situation unfold.  So it was interesting when I came across a section in a book titled The Courage to be a Stepmom by Sue Patton Thoele where she discusses just that.  The book was given to me by a co-worker way back in March or April & has been sitting by my bed gathering dust as I've decided recently that many "stepmothering" books are evil.  More on that in a sec.

What Thoele says is that as a stepmother I should "ooze in gently" like introducing a new cat or kitten into a family. "Lovingly let 'em alone to sniff out the new house."  Stay in the background--be there to provide what is asked for & let them come to you for what they need/want--or set out a food dish & water in the case of a cat...let them set the pace (cats usually do).  Expecting an instant family just won't work--first of all, unlike having your own children, you & your _(fill-in-the-blank)____ have each other's children as steps...an "unnatural alliance of your kids & my kids."  Additionally, Thoele says that often these children are beyond the "cuteness" stage & bonding over the long term just hasn't happened.  There's just no shared past history.  In fact, I often feel VERY left out when Xing Fu & his children discuss past events that shaped them as a family--very exclusionary & difficult--yes, we are making new memories now (beach vaycay, e.g.), but those are very few as everything is so new in the grand scheme of lifetime events. All I can do is sit back & allow our connections to unfold.  We are getting there--slowly but surely.  Sometimes it is pretty hard--sometimes I have to grit my teeth, remain calm, & remind myself that I'm the adult.  And sometimes it's pretty wonderful--like when one of the kids mentions that they wished my son were with us at the beach so he could enjoy the big raft at the water park with us.  Actually, I think most of us involved really want this to work--even the kids.


     Darest thou now O soul,
Walk out with me toward the unknown region,
 Where neither ground is for the feet nor any 
      path to follow?

 --Walt Whitman


Back to the evil book thingy--all of these books except for the one I'm currently writing about just paint the most negative stepmonster pictures for our future as a blended family--I need affirmations, a shoulder to lean on, understanding, answers to why a behavior is manifesting...you know--support.  That's why I've set most of these books aside and was reluctant to open this one.  I'm glad I have cracked the binding open because at least this section of the book has been very affirming. 

Happy Frogs

Cape Henlopen State Park

Yikes!  Where did the time go?  I just spent the last week at the beach with Xing Fu & 2 of his kids.  I'm learning how to be "stepmom".  And contrary to what I've been reading & at this point, have stopped reading, things seem to be going quite well. Now don't get me wrong--it's not all flowers & butterflies all the time, & I did have moments of aggravation, but overall our beach week was a success on many levels. It was another test of a sort.  Not necessarily Xing Fu testing me, well maybe just a little,  always a question about how good the fit with his kids.  (Me too with my son--but I've long since decided that was not needed at all.)  But the grrr moments were very few & far in between & I think we all walked away feeling pretty good about the week.  Yay us!  I still think about some of the advice in the Stepmother books, & try to be realistic about it all. And recently I've been reviewing my own stepmothers' performances (my one stepmom is only 9 years older than me...HUGE issue when I was growing up--mega teenage 'tude, ya' know?) ) & my mom's stepmother performance to sorta bounce the way I'm doing the step thing off of theirs.  My mom has told me how impressed she is--great--the true test is how Xing Fu's kids feel & he says that they felt it was a great week so there it is.

Xing Fu wrote me an email this morning telling me that he's a Happy Frog.  One of our sailing friends dubbed him a Happy Frog a few months ago--we now talk about that--I've asked him at different times if he's a "Happy Frog".  At Screwpile, our skipper bought a smiling frog wind whirligig thingy & we tied it to the backstay where it grinned down at us until the first gybe--blew off his whirligig.  Actually, the whole frog was left & he continued grinning at us the rest of the regatta. So I must be the princess who kissed the frog--a reference to kissing a ton of frogs when I was dating--lucky me--it took a while but good karma is good karma.

It's continuing to be a good summer--now to get through the next two weeks until my kiddo comes back from camp--he was definitely missed on our beach trip but there's always next year.