Relationship Trends 2011

So this time last year I wrote about trending break up days--apparently December 3rd-6th are big ones for those non-committers out there.  You know who you are--too cheap to buy a present which reads "LTR" all over it, too shallow too handle the parties where you have to introduce this person as your "girlfriend" or "boyfriend".  Yup, been there, done that.  So hurry up--if it's gonna happen, now's the week to do it!


I read a little meme on on MSN-glo about the relationship trends of 2011 by Natasha Burton.  See here:
http://glo.msn.com/relationships/relationship-trends-from-2011-7643.gallery

In particular I was reading that the trend for marriages is way down for the first time in America.  People are either waiting longer to wed or just deciding that marriage just isn't in the cards for them.  According to the glo article: "...the formality of marriage appears to be taking a backseat to simply creating a happy, stable relationship."  Interesting for me to read as a lot of people ask me whether or not Xing Fu & I will tie that knot.  Well, I think both of us would say, "Been there, done that" & that we follow the trend of "creating that happy, stable relationship."  

Further findings have been the effects of fatherhood.  In fact scientists have found this year how much becoming a father does change the man.  Funny, when my ex & I had my kid, I really didn't see too much change--he was just as irresponsible as he was before kid.  One of the qualities that draws me to Xing Fu is his responsibility to his children & just how great a father he is.  


The other interesting "trends" are lower divorce rates but increased use of cheating sites like AshleyMadison--so because of the economic downturn more folk are staying together but then more folk are looking for satisfaction outside of their marriages to compensate for their lack of marital bliss.  I get it, in fact one of my old "beaus" has in fact decided that he can't afford to divorce & he & his wife are co-habitating.  And perhaps all of these unhappily marrieds are sexting their hook-ups--yes, another trend that has seen an uptick.


As 2011 moves into the history books remember the last trend: that if you missed getting married on 11-11-11, you can become the new trend for 12-12-12.

Book Club

As I am often waiting for my kid at certain times: guitar lesson, math tutoring, soccer games, etc., I have been reading books.  I am a vociferous reader but don't always have large blocks of time anymore to enjoy a good book.  So those little snippets of time have been nice & now, as the weather gets warmer, & the sunlight is longer, it will be especially wonderful to get outside & read.  But this really isn't a post about my enjoying a good book, it's really about how these books have called to me recently in some of the passages--how they are so appropriate in parallel to parts of my own life.  Right now I am reading a book entitled Between Here and April by Deborah Copaken Kogan. I was struck by the following truth found in this passage:

"Marriage is the one institution I know that doesn't require preparation for matriculation. There are no essays asking us to predict the number of children we will have, if any, and who will take them to the hospital if they bleed.  There are no multiple-choice tests forcing us to envisage how our financial partnership might look, or late-night field trips to love's inner sanctums (which from syntax alone--master bedroom--reveals a lot) to witness sexual politics in action.  There are no textbooks offering tips on what to do when the baby is sick, the sitter's on vacation, and both spouses are on deadline; no four-page syllabi containing his-and-her primary source material.

 In fact, the only primary source material we're given comes from the most unreliable of sources possible: our own parents.  No wonder half of us flunk out."

On first glance I guess it looks a bit depressing, but I think it just points out that keeping a relationship positive & moving in the right direction takes work.  That we need to be aware of the pitfalls & try to remember why we fell in love in the first place. And the fervent wish that there was a manual to make it work.  And perhaps the recognition that it can work & be wonderful--even if it takes another attempt, or two, or three...  *I always add the caveat that it needn't be a marriage--any LTR or relationship for that matter counts here.  

Anyway, the book has far more to it than the main character's marriage--there's a bit of a murder mystery as well & an exploration of postpartum depression & pms before such things existed--women's health issues.  It is a good book thus far.

http://www.amazon.com/Between-April-Deborah-Copaken-Kogan/dp/1565125622


"Life's full of irony, bubelah.  Haven't you learned that by now?"

Expansive

 I seem to be coming across a lot of good articles about how relationships continue to be positive over the long term.  This time I saw an article in the New York Times.   Written regarding marriages, I find it still applies to LTRs.  http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html?_r=1&emc=eta1

It talks about "sustainable" love & how to attain that through improving yourself--but your partner is the one who helps "sculpt"  that growth.  According to the article by Tara Parker-Pope,    
"Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship."  Does their partner encourage new experiences together?  Do they help the other person improve or do they have qualities the other lacks & help balance them out?  I've discussed this before more specific to my relationship--Xing Fu grounds me--he is a lot more practical than I am & helps pull me down to reality on occasion--not a bad thing.  I in turn, often help him to lighten up.  He also talks about how I come up with interesting & creative things to do together--all of these examples seem to be supported by the article.  Bodes well for the future.  

Sublime is the summertime warm and lazy
These are perfect days like heaven's about here
Unlike summer came and went your love is forever
I feel it and my heart knows that we share it together

Lyrics by George Harrison, Sung by Ben Bridwell

Your Love Is Forever 

Pucker Up

A bit of a follow-up post from the quirky kissing one from a bit ago.  I read an interesting article in Redbook the other day that got me thinking--yeah, bad sign.  It was entitled The Kissing Project and pointed out some interesting facts.  One that struck me the most was that kissing & hand-holding are usually the first to go in a LTR.  How depressing!  And upon reflection I do realize that kissing does dwindle--at least it did with my ex-husband--mebbe a smooch in the morning--mebbe days without a peck at all.  Most likely had to do with the fact that I didn't like him too much and the thought of swapping spit at that point disgusted me...

The article points out also how men & women respond to kissing--men to spread testosterone & for both generating the feel-good hormones of oxytocin & endorphins--oxytocin is that infamous "bonding" hormone.  So isn't it interesting that when a couple is "bonded"  they actually stop hormonal bonding when they stop kissing.  Couples seeking therapy are sometimes counseled to kiss more--apparently the research indicates that it can help.  And so the article lists a few experiments.  I looked at each one & compared to what Xing Fu & I do.  

First & foremost--we are pretty touchy-feely anyway and have no problem smooching a lot.  But the one "experiment" that stuck out was actually one that I had absolutely no need to even consider (the other ones, yeah, could be interesting), but this one suggested making over his kissing style.  The problem I have with that is if you are reading this as a married couple or even in a LTR, it would totally suck if you've been dealing with a bad kisser for this long & it hadn't occurred to you to fix this a waaay long time ago...(apparently some men love the tongue thrust & swirl to the point of dripping...eeewww).

Here's the link if anyone would like to read it themselves:
http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/kissing-tips

Pucker up!

Growing Pains

 
Been a tough couple weeks on many levels--I've been thinking on it a bit & I truly believe that it has something to do with the fact that we've spent almost no extended time together for almost a month--good thing that we have a weekend coming up where we will go away, by ourselves, no kids, no work, no nuffin'.  Alone.  I'm pretty sure we need it...been a lot going on.  We've been together now about 9 months & at some point some of the initial luster wears off & the real relationship-building begins.  Yup, we can now safely label this as an LTR.  The commitment is unquestioned. And throw in a big relationship event which causes everyone involved huge amounts of stress & there it is--misperceptions, misunderstandings, irritation, etc., etc., & well--a steaming mass of potential pitfalls.  Good thing we talk about it & don't ignore it because as usual we seem to figure it out--we want to.  But once everything is now out in the open & there are no more mysteries--no more "who's that man behind the curtain" feelings & the understanding that this relationship is for real, & that all parties now get that, there's no turning back that we are here to stay.  It changes things--for the good & now perhaps I can take a deep breath & relax just a little bit & see where the next 9 months will take us.