Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Every once in a while I get hit with an epiphany of sorts. This time is no different. It is usually sparked by something I've been mulling over--gee, isn't every "come to Jaysus" like that? Anyway, recently I have had a few discussions about what dating is like when you're in your 40's, divorced & a parent. In one word, BORING. Well, that sums it up, sorta. Dating itself isn't boring--it tends to be a lot of things--especially when the first dates keep piling up without second or third ones--more on that later. In fact, dating is on one hand traumatic and on the other--as I've said in earlier posts, an anthropological study, and still further it can be exhilarating. In other words, a roller-coaster ride--and with those I'm quite familiar.
Ok, so this is what I mean by BORING. I opened my blog last year with the following sentences: "I have been on at least 50 first dates (most probably more) & truth be told it gets mighty frustrating out there. Most of these dates have come from my online antics & for the most part have proven that there are A LOT of men out there. Insert the but.... " Yup, that is definitely true. So of those 50 firsts I have had one significant relationship & all the rest near-misses, etc. There has been the guy who had 11 children & never drank & who got drunk on our first date, the guy who told me that dropping in on him without calling was ok-this on a first date, & the guy who took me to Amsterdam for a week--technically our 3rd date. And there have been sooooooo many more that just don't require mention. Most were very nice & getting ready for a first date is always an adventure in self-expression, but none just ever cut it. But I think I've figured it out now--hence the epiphany of sorts.
The one thing a lot of these men have in common is that they want replacement wives. The other thing I've noticed is that apparently all of their ex-wives were BORING--which I'm not. What does a vibrant, excited about life, intelligent woman do when it is very apparent that these divorced dads just want a new version of an old mold? No, I seek the thrill ride--the men who actually want an adventure too--it's not that we're necessarily finished raising our children & I am a TKD mom so I have to transport my kid to practices & tournaments just like a soccer mom, but it's that we're unwilling to settle once again for the status quo--for the coming home from work, feeding the kids, plopping on the bed/sofa/recliner & zoning out. Yeah, I can admit that my life certainly has a pattern & structure that could be considered routine--and especially right now, while I recover from hernia surgery & can't participate in TKD, etc. it is even more routine, but the way I live it & who I share it with ain't. And it isn't as if we, those fathers (potential boyfriends) & I aren't committed to our children & raising them to be productive citizens isn't the priority--it is. It's just that we want more this time around--well I thought these potentials wanted more...hence the snooze button...and this is why there is never a 2nd date with them.
In fact, the man I was seeing for 9 months--the Bull--our activities were anything but bleh or routine. And that's how I like it. Subsequent relationships that have worked on whatever level they are--be it "fuck-buddy" or casual friends, or music buddies, etc. have one thing in common: that these men are uncommon & aren't seeking replacement wives. It's too bad that they don't want an official "we're dating" title. So why can't I find him? The man who wants a relationship that isn't the cookie-cutter wife version & the yawn? I know you're out there....