Bucking the Odds

I've come to find out that many, many people who know both of us didn't think we'd last.  (In fact, my mother still asks if everything's all right with us almost every phone call...)  Yup, the curse of the rebound relationship--we did fret a bit about that at first but we very soon set that aside.  Apparently, people assumed that we'd last about 3 months & then because of the nature of the beast, we'd be done.  Interesting because the framework of our relationship never resembled that old rebound stuff.  And in fact, as I've researched it a bit, there really is no evidence that supposed rebound relationships don't work.  Regardless, I think we've moved beyond the possibility anyway--major relationship events recently have proved this unequivocally. 

From Princeton University:  (On the Rebound: Time to Remarriage and Subsequent Union Stability) This paper has a single straightforward finding: there is no rebound effect.  People quickly entering new relationships after an initial divorce, whether by remarriage or cohabitation followed by remarriage, do not have higher divorce rates. This finding persists after controlling for key demographic differences between respondents. The advice offered by many self-help books ("Don't get into a new relationship too quickly!") therefore has no basis in reality.

There are quite a few websites out there that refute the rebound relationship but overwhelmingly the opposite view takes precedent...I wonder why.

Rules To Break

Way back when all of this started in January, I was very concerned about being Xing Fu's rebound relationship.  In fact, there were quite a few people who warned me about that.  Therefore, it was very gratifying to come across this little snippet from Yahoo & Match.com by Lisa Cericola.  The title of the article is "6 Dating Rules to Ditch".

Rule #2: Rebound relationships never last
Give yourself time, they always say. While it’s healthy to mourn a relationship’s passing, that doesn’t mean you should ignore anyone great you meet while you recoup. “Not all breakups are the same,” explains Brent Atkinson, Ph.D., of The Couples Clinic, adding that some couples have mentally broken up months before things become official. “Instead of focusing on the timing of a new relationship, where you are emotionally after a breakup is a better indicator of whether a rebound relationship will work out.” Case in point: “My rebound relationship has lasted four years!” says Debbie Fraser, 27, from Philadelphia. “My boyfriend Bill and I met while I was in a rocky relationship with my ex. The more we hung out, the more Bill made me realize how bad my current situation was. It wasn’t long before my ex and I broke up. I was a little worried about jumping from one relationship to another, and I’ll admit that things weren’t smooth sailing in the beginning. My previous relationship left me feeling pretty emotionally damaged, and we had lots of issues to work through as a new couple. But with time, we got through our problems and couldn’t be happier now. It really made me realize that you shouldn’t pass up a good thing just because of timing.” 

Indeed.

Rebounding in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....

Had an interesting date fall into my lap last night....I had been receiving a few emails from some men on various sites & one guy called me Friday afternoon. We talked for about an hour & he asked if I wanted to go with him to see Cirque De Soleil that night. Now who am I to turn away a cool first date like that? He had comp tix because he works in local media--photojournalist, cameraman...and he didn't have a date so I guess I was the lucky recipient. He definitely met a lot of my criteria & our backgrounds were quite similar so again, who am I to turn that down?

It started great--he showed up at the house looking pretty good--nicely dressed, tall, blue eyes...nice. He is a wine drinker so I brought up a couple of my nicer ones: a choice between an Altos Reserva Malbec & a Truchard Pinot Noir. He chose the Pinot, and we spent about 45 minutes chatting & enjoying a nice wine. Good chemistry--no camparisons in sight. Yea!

We go to Cirque, which was wonderful & we continue having fun--super seats--I guess when you have press comp tix you get the good seats. We leave & pull out of the parking lot and....his car dies. I mean, DIES. It would turn over but it appeared that there was no fuel getting to the engine or something. I'm cool with it--what can you do? He doesn't have his AAA card so I use my AAA plus one so we have free towing. I tell him it's all good & not to be too bummed--I'm still having fun even in the pouring rain. He gets really sullen & withdrawn & I try to pull him out of it...so here's where I begin to pay closer attention to his way of handling minor bumps in the road. The tow truck arrives, car gets loaded, & we drive to a station near my house so I can get my car & drive him home. Finally he seems to snap out of his funk & suggests that I come in for some wine at his place.

Against my better judgement, & the fact that it's now 1 AM, I agree. He doesn't live far from me & I've decided that, if nothing else, Mr. Cameraman can be a rebound test. Will I make comparisons? Will I want the sociopath instead? So far so good. As the morning progresses I decide that I couldn't pursue anything with this guy beyond this time--he's too moody & way too self-contemplative for me (word?). But he chooses a nice wine: Molly Dooker--The Boxer and his house is very nicely decorated--I ike the art & the Emmys...our music tastes are the same & he's pretty cute. So we enjoyed ourselves & my test works. No comparisons & wishful thinking--at least for this particular brief interlude.

What ultimately I get out of this is that there are other men out there like the sociopath that match with me well & that eventually I will find him. Hopefully without certain of the traits of the sociopath or Mr. Cameraman. It does give me hope. Now hopefully I won't see him aroud the community--we do frequent the same shops, etc...Can you say, AWKWARD?