Wine and Ravens

Another great weekend for the record books.  It was busy in fits & starts & somewhat a domestic weekend but I guess that's what happens when the leaves fall, there's frost on the ground, sailing is essentially over for the season, & you feel like hibernating.  Saturday afternoon we went wine tasting--my BFFs joined us & we enjoyed conversation with all of the regulars; guess we're regulars too.  Had a very nice Cab from Darioush called the Caravan--I recommend it.  We'd planned to go out Saturday night but just couldn't muster the energy--not a loss though--quiet evening at home--simple but fun & believe it or not we were up until 2--as if we'd gone out--go figure.  We just got caught up watching Hedwig & the Angry Inch again--and discussing all the levels that strike us so deeply.  Hence, yesterday's post of the lyrics to Wicked Little Town.  We figured we'd watch it again in another 8 months--we seem to have a lot of magical thinking--and certainly the movie itself can lend itself to that.  I think it's good that we do--keeps our relationship special & reminds us of some of the things that happened to us early on--our synchronicity--that's what's great about this blog in some respects--we can look back on our "magical thinking" & revisit those first stirrings--helps to bring us back to that place that can get lost when everyday life gets in the way.  

Next day we had a brunch date with one of Xing Fu's co-workers and then tickets to the Ravens game. We had reservations at Corks, a great restaurant (My sis & I had been there once) in Federal Hill--super wine list--& I was thrilled to see that they carried many of the bottles I have in my own cellar--oh the prices!!  Nice little investment I've got--such a satisfying feeling that the wine cellar I've put together has in it some stellar pieces.  Anyway, after a couple very good Bloody Marys, a wonderful brunch, & some schmoozing with the chef & owner of Corks--we were off to the game.  We had some pretty amazing seats--lower level just at the 30 yard line.  Certainly was a great game to watch especially since we won. It was great company, not too cold, & Xing Fu & I just had a enjoyable time--just so easy--no drama--fun.  Simple & lasting.

Wicked Little Town

You know, the sun is in your eyes
And hurricanes and rains
Blacken cloudy skies

You're running up and down that hill
You turn it on and off at will
There's nothing here to thrill or bring you down
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

Oh Lady Luck has led you here
And they're so twisted up
They'll twist you up, I fear

They're pious, hateful, and devout
You're turning tricks 'til you're turned out
The wind so cold it burns
You're burning out and blowing 'round
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

The fates are vicious and they're cruel
You learn too late you've used
Two wishes
Like a fool

And then you're someone you are not
And Junction City ain't the spot
Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town 

--From Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Would You Pass the Hedwig Test?

I love the musical/movie Hedwig & the Angry Inch--I know I've written about it a bunch.  I've seen both the musical (directed by my late friend Terry Long (I miss him!!)) and the movie quite a lot.  It is a bit twisted but it is certainly a love story.  But I think I've developed a test (at least, that's what Xing Fu called it way back when).  The test consists of whether or not a person can appreciate the movie & all of its quirks, & complexities; the humor & the pathos.  


Briefly:

Born a boy named Hansel whose life's dream is to find his other half, Hedwig reluctantly submits to a sex change operation in order to marry an American G. I. and get over the Berlin Wall to freedom. The operation is botched, leaving her with the aforementioned 'angry inch'. Finding herself high, dry and divorced in a Kansas trailer park, she pushes on to form a rock band and encounters a lover/protégé in young Tommy Gnosis, who eventually leaves her, steals her songs and becomes a huge rock star.

A bitter yet witty Hedwig with her pan-Slavic band, The Angry Inch, shadows Tommy's stadium tour, performing in near-empty restaurants for bewildered diners and a few die-hard fans. Through a collage of songs, flashbacks and animation, Hedwig tells her life story while on a tour of chain strip-mall seafood restaurants, trying to capitalize on her tabloid celebrity as the supposed ex-lover of famed rock star, Tommy Gnosis. Somewhere between the crab cakes and the cramped motel rooms, between the anguish and the acid-wash, she pursues her dreams and discovers the origin of love.

A good link is:  http://www.newlinetheatre.com/hedwigchapter.html

There are a lot of references to Aristophanes' speech in Plato's Symposium.  Most specifically in the song the Origin of Love.  My last post was an excerpt from that song.  The movie/musical is full of references to mythology, Christianity, etc., and how aspects of Hedwig's story mirror these ideas.  Additionally, many of the songs also reflect the concept of opposites & contradiction--like I said, there's a lot there.  Also a wonderful homage to glam rock, a la David Bowie androgyny.  I recommend it highly--if you can pass the test that is.

So, early on, I suggested to Xing Fu that we watch this film--in my mind, if a guy can appreciate all the levels, the humor & a little bit of discomfort (transgenders anyone?), then he & I will probably have a lot to talk about in the future.  Not that this is a prime indicator of the success of a possible relationship with a guy, but if he's open-minded, & gets it...well, he gets beyond my 50 first date screening pretty quickly.  Mebbe even closer to prince versus frog status....

I think I've created a monster.  Xing Fu absolutely got it--I knew he would, of course!   And he references the movie often as well.  Passed with flying colors!

Origin of Love

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love. 

--From Hedwig & The Angry Inch

Magical Moments

“There is some kiss we want with 

our whole lives, the touch of

 spirit on the body.  Sea water

begs the pearl to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately

It needs some wild darling! At

Night, I open the window and ask

The moon to come and press its

Face against mine.  Breathe into

Me. Close the language-door and

Open the love-window.  The moon

Won’t use the door.  – Rumi

Last weekend, while at the beach, we had a moment that we both label as magical.  Xing Fu has a few of them that he likes to talk about & this one is on both of our lists.  We went up to the boardwalk in Rehobeth to get Thrashers & hot dogs.   We decided to sit on one of the benches up by the ocean.  As we were sitting there, all of a sudden a little paw appears between the dune & the boardwalk.  I get up & look between & there's a little tabby kitten (a lot like the one pictured above).  He was just sitting there so I decided to feed him some of my polish sausage.  I break off a piece & hold it out to him--his little paw swipes quickly like a piston & snags the meat out of my very surprised fingers.  He looked very healthy--eyes clear, coat shiny, ears clean, so obviously I wasn't the only sausage donor.  I continued to offer pieces of the sausage & he wouldn't allow me to hand it to him--I had to place it on the edge of the boardwalk but after he'd consumed each piece, his little face would pop up looking for more.  Piston paw each time until there was nothing left.  Then, it was as if he knew that it was all gone because when I looked over the edge, he's disappeared just as he'd appeared--I imagined him curled up in the sun somewhere licking his paws for the last taste of the sausage.  It was a small snippet of our time at the beach together but I have to agree with Xing Fu--it was magical because it unfolded only for us--our own shared memory.  Just like the pieces of shell with the purple insides that I collect every time I go to the beach.


We've had a few "magical memories"--Xing Fu recalls evenings at concerts that he found particularly noteworthy--Nada Surf when first we went to Full Kee for dinner, & arrived just as the band came on & then he caught the drum stick as we stood watching.  Another one he remembers is the night we saw Telesma at Sonar with Alex Gray painting his special brand of psychedelia.


I remember being down in North Carolina the night before we dropped my kid off at camp--we stood at the edge of the water on the dock of a marina, watching the water ripple & the moon reflect off of the masts of sailboats & the still water. The feeling of peace that night was just amazing.  

Magical Moments--we have quite a few--I like that he remembers these & refers to them often--bringing us yet closer--like our kitten.

And so I come to another "blogoversary".  I take these posts as a refection point from the previous year.  A "where am I now?" kinda thing.  So where was I & where am I now?


Last year:
It has also been quite amusing to see the dating blunders I've written about--I think ultimately when I do find the right one it will be fun to go back & revisit it all from time to time just to appreciate the journey.

Overall I am happy with what I've experienced--a lot I would never have lived through if I were still married--it has been quite the adventure & I'm looking forward to many more along the way--

My commentary for this year (certainly my blog focus has changed quite a lot):

Have I found "the one"?  How can I think otherwise when we were getting ready for work this morning & he bursts into "Happy Blogoversary, Happy Blogoversary..."  So, I think so--certainly this time last year I was still filtering through the frogs for the prince.  Is Xing Fu my prince?  It certainly has been a dream of a romance--even today, with emails flying back & forth between us, he writes the most loving notes to me.  One phrase that he says to me often is most probably one of my favorites: "Are you as wonderful as I think you are?"  How can a woman not melt when she hears that?   I am a lucky woman that this wonderful man has chosen to be my partner--I hope next year I can write the exact same thing.  

Bucking the Odds

I've come to find out that many, many people who know both of us didn't think we'd last.  (In fact, my mother still asks if everything's all right with us almost every phone call...)  Yup, the curse of the rebound relationship--we did fret a bit about that at first but we very soon set that aside.  Apparently, people assumed that we'd last about 3 months & then because of the nature of the beast, we'd be done.  Interesting because the framework of our relationship never resembled that old rebound stuff.  And in fact, as I've researched it a bit, there really is no evidence that supposed rebound relationships don't work.  Regardless, I think we've moved beyond the possibility anyway--major relationship events recently have proved this unequivocally. 

From Princeton University:  (On the Rebound: Time to Remarriage and Subsequent Union Stability) This paper has a single straightforward finding: there is no rebound effect.  People quickly entering new relationships after an initial divorce, whether by remarriage or cohabitation followed by remarriage, do not have higher divorce rates. This finding persists after controlling for key demographic differences between respondents. The advice offered by many self-help books ("Don't get into a new relationship too quickly!") therefore has no basis in reality.

There are quite a few websites out there that refute the rebound relationship but overwhelmingly the opposite view takes precedent...I wonder why.

Countdown

Closing in on the anniversary of this blog in T-minus 3 days.  Found the article reprinted below & it makes sense to me:
Actually, Xing Fu recommended this illustration of arguments between couples: 

The Key to Lasting Love 

By Karen Salmansohn (from Match Online)

Act I: You hurt me.

Act II: Because you hurt me, I hurt you.

Act III: You hurt me even more because I just hurt you, so I hurt you even more. Then you hurt me; then I hurt you; then you hurt me because I just hurt you, so I hurt you more, and so on. 

The point: It’s easy to act cold/hurtful/in a stonewalling manner toward someone who you feel has said or done something you perceive as having done the same to you.

But that’s the point. That’s the easy thing to do.

Basically, most of us people as a species aren’t mean. We are weak.

It takes effort to consciously, openly, bravely, warmly speak up about the hurt you feel before things spiral negatively downward.

Yes, it takes effort to take the high road and to express your vulnerabilities and concerns with warmth and candor. But this effort is worth it... because love and connection are your true sources for happiness — not money, not shoes, not sports cars... and definitely not the satisfaction of being right about someone or something. (Yes, I know that last one really sometimes does feel as if it will bring us happiness... but in the end it brings us more misery than glory.)

So next time someone you care about does something that you feel isn’t very caring at all — put in the brave effort and kill that relationship monster while it’s still small.

With this in mind, here are some helpful communication tips to keep on hand:

1. Pick the right time and the right place. Do you have at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time ahead? Are you in a place where your partner feels like he or she can talk openly and not self-consciously? Are you in a loud restaurant where it’s hard to hear and so you must shout — even before your partner makes you want to shout? In general, the best place to talk is at home alone, where you can sit facing each other, with good strong eye contact. Many psychologists even suggest holding hands as you talk — to keep a warm connection ongoing through all the bumps in the conversation.

2. Before you begin a difficult conversation, make it very clear to your partner that your goal is to create the best relationship possible. Admit you recognize talking about difficult subjects can be uncomfortable, but you’d rather have a difficult conversation now, than a decaying, untruthful, less intimate relationship later. Remind your partner how much you value him or her. Compliment your sweetie on a few qualities you appreciate. In general, be 100 percent certain your partner completely understands and believes your goal in talking is to increase the love, not wound to the quick, before you begin any difficult discussion.

3. If you are upset at your partner for something specific, try not to generalize by saying “You always do this. You always say that.” Generalizations will only escalate your partner’s emotional state because they’re vaguer and less believable. Come on. Be honest with yourself. An “always” action is in reality a very rare thing. And psychologists all agree it’s best to limit your talk to the one specific recent event that is bugging you and make past offenses not admissible evidence.

4. Be conscious of trying to begin as many of your sentences with “I” as you can. Likewise, try not to begin your sentences with “You.” The goal: own your feelings. Don’t slander your partner. For example, try to say something like: “I feel like you were ignoring me yesterday — and I was hurt because I needed your warmth after my proposal was rejected at the office,” instead of “You are cold, heartless, and don’t offer me an ounce of support.”

5. Create an obvious upside to talking, so you and your partner will want to talk again. In other words, be sure to close the conversation by consciously listing all the positive things you learned thanks to talking. Make a specific list of all the new actions you both will try to do to keep your relationship as strong and loving as possible. Oh... and this is where that good, old-fashioned reward of “making up” comes in! By ending on an upbeat “rewarding note,” next time a difficult conversation comes up, you’ll associate positives with talking, which will help you get to the heart of the matter much more quickly together.

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=5766


Nice to see that our instincts are on point.   But it's easier said than done....but we have been pretty successful thus far--a very good thing.