Aged Wine

 "Relish love in our old age! Aged love is like aged wine; it becomes more satisfying, more refreshing, more valuable, more appreciated and more intoxicating!" --Leo Buscaglia


A couple of weekends ago, Xing Fu's dad & stepmother came for a visit from Texas.  They are both is their 80's & are in great shape--I hope I'm that well off when I'm that age.  But I digress--what struck me the most was how touchy-feely, romantic they were.  Maybe it was over-the-top a bit (he knelt to help her put on her shoes at one point), but I was smitten myself at how devoted they seemed to one another. I remarked to Xing Fu about how they were after they left & he agreed.  He said that his dad wasn't like that when he was growing up, & wondered if it was the woman who made him a different man or just the time in his life.  I guess the romantic in me hopes that it had something to do with the woman--probably because it's his father's second marriage, and it has lasted for quite some time.  Of course it is my desire that we might be the same way & that we both have brought out the best in one another.  Either way, it was wonderful to see such devotion & visual examples of commitment. And I hope that both my son & Xing Fu's daughters saw what I saw as well--that love can last into older age & be just as romantic as when one is in one's youth.  To that end, Xing Fu left me a little note one morning this week as I'm on vaycay from work & he drove my son to school for me.  When I sent him an email later that day to thank him he wrote back that he wants "wants to be all lovey-dovey in 30 years like my parents."  And I think he's worked towards that as have I--last night I satisfied my bet from last year's NCAA tournament by taking Xing Fu to Woodberry Kitchen for dinner.  (Every year we bet on our brackets--loser takes the winner out to a really nice restaurant--I've won only once--boo!).  Very romantic of course but nothing too extraordinary except this morning after I'd posted last night on FB the following, "Lovely dinner with Xing Fu at Woodberry Kitchen & the food was pretty awesome too!" His response (very rare as he's hardly ever on FB), "Yes, lovely dinner with a lovely woman. What more could I ask?"   I hope we continue like this in 30 years too.

V-Day

Last year we were brand new & my feet never touched the ground.  This year I'm happy to say that even though my feet have found the solid earth, I am still glowing.  For Valentine's Day I made reservations at Miss Shirley's which is open usually only for breakfast & lunch but makes an exception for Valentine's.  They have a great menu & I thought it would be nice to celebrate there.  My BFF(A) & her husband joined us & we had a wonderful dinner.  Before dinner Xing Fu brought me a dozen long stemmed red roses--I am a sucker for roses--actually usually any flowers, but these were quite beautiful.  No stuffed animals in sight.  I had painted him a little picture of some sailboats which I gave to him & had pasted a copy of e.e. cumming's poem entitled "yes is a pleasant country".  That poem has always meant a lot to me--pretty sure I've posted it on the blog too.    It was a wonderful evening--we are lucky.  

Today I came across the following article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=25751528&gt1=32092  How Do You Know When You're In Love.  I really liked what it had to say (not just about being married--again, this applies to LTRs as well) & reminded me of how I often think about Xing Fu in that way.  The downside from the article: I don't ever want to get to the point where I only tolerate him...if that ever happens, it will be time for us to part ways.  I honestly can't think of when that will happen and that is a good thing.  But I was struck by what the author had to say about the Scottish couple he stayed with--how long they'd been in love & the seemingly "little things" that kept them connected.  Saying goodbye for example--that longing, however small, to be with the one you love.  Or wanting the person you are with to be happy--seeing their joy & it then being wrapped up in your own sense of well-being & happiness.  Being in the presence of the love of others & appreciating that. 

It truly was a weekend & Valentine's Day for the record books--been a long time coming. 

"You don't know. And I don't know. You have to look for yourself. Measure carefully and you'll almost always be right."

Countdown

Closing in on the anniversary of this blog in T-minus 3 days.  Found the article reprinted below & it makes sense to me:
Actually, Xing Fu recommended this illustration of arguments between couples: 

The Key to Lasting Love 

By Karen Salmansohn (from Match Online)

Act I: You hurt me.

Act II: Because you hurt me, I hurt you.

Act III: You hurt me even more because I just hurt you, so I hurt you even more. Then you hurt me; then I hurt you; then you hurt me because I just hurt you, so I hurt you more, and so on. 

The point: It’s easy to act cold/hurtful/in a stonewalling manner toward someone who you feel has said or done something you perceive as having done the same to you.

But that’s the point. That’s the easy thing to do.

Basically, most of us people as a species aren’t mean. We are weak.

It takes effort to consciously, openly, bravely, warmly speak up about the hurt you feel before things spiral negatively downward.

Yes, it takes effort to take the high road and to express your vulnerabilities and concerns with warmth and candor. But this effort is worth it... because love and connection are your true sources for happiness — not money, not shoes, not sports cars... and definitely not the satisfaction of being right about someone or something. (Yes, I know that last one really sometimes does feel as if it will bring us happiness... but in the end it brings us more misery than glory.)

So next time someone you care about does something that you feel isn’t very caring at all — put in the brave effort and kill that relationship monster while it’s still small.

With this in mind, here are some helpful communication tips to keep on hand:

1. Pick the right time and the right place. Do you have at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time ahead? Are you in a place where your partner feels like he or she can talk openly and not self-consciously? Are you in a loud restaurant where it’s hard to hear and so you must shout — even before your partner makes you want to shout? In general, the best place to talk is at home alone, where you can sit facing each other, with good strong eye contact. Many psychologists even suggest holding hands as you talk — to keep a warm connection ongoing through all the bumps in the conversation.

2. Before you begin a difficult conversation, make it very clear to your partner that your goal is to create the best relationship possible. Admit you recognize talking about difficult subjects can be uncomfortable, but you’d rather have a difficult conversation now, than a decaying, untruthful, less intimate relationship later. Remind your partner how much you value him or her. Compliment your sweetie on a few qualities you appreciate. In general, be 100 percent certain your partner completely understands and believes your goal in talking is to increase the love, not wound to the quick, before you begin any difficult discussion.

3. If you are upset at your partner for something specific, try not to generalize by saying “You always do this. You always say that.” Generalizations will only escalate your partner’s emotional state because they’re vaguer and less believable. Come on. Be honest with yourself. An “always” action is in reality a very rare thing. And psychologists all agree it’s best to limit your talk to the one specific recent event that is bugging you and make past offenses not admissible evidence.

4. Be conscious of trying to begin as many of your sentences with “I” as you can. Likewise, try not to begin your sentences with “You.” The goal: own your feelings. Don’t slander your partner. For example, try to say something like: “I feel like you were ignoring me yesterday — and I was hurt because I needed your warmth after my proposal was rejected at the office,” instead of “You are cold, heartless, and don’t offer me an ounce of support.”

5. Create an obvious upside to talking, so you and your partner will want to talk again. In other words, be sure to close the conversation by consciously listing all the positive things you learned thanks to talking. Make a specific list of all the new actions you both will try to do to keep your relationship as strong and loving as possible. Oh... and this is where that good, old-fashioned reward of “making up” comes in! By ending on an upbeat “rewarding note,” next time a difficult conversation comes up, you’ll associate positives with talking, which will help you get to the heart of the matter much more quickly together.

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=5766


Nice to see that our instincts are on point.   But it's easier said than done....but we have been pretty successful thus far--a very good thing.