Friday, August 17, 2012

Chaos Theory

"All great changes are preceded by chaos." 
--Deepak Chopra

I am trying. Last week I tweeted, "repeat after me, I am not the evil step mom, I am NOT the evil step mom. #grittingteeth."  Why does it seem that my sense of humor & positive equilibrium have flown out the window recently?  Why can't I be gracious & accepting of being cast aside like yesterday's dirty dishes?  Huh? Why?  Even after, being a summer hausfrau, I wash and fold the step-daughters' laundry, am I outside, looking in at all of the fun & games that I'm not allowed to be part of.  Yes, I am to be welcoming, loving, gracious, supportive, generous, & thoughtful to excess for thee divine step children--even my own kid doesn't get that kind of over-the-top ass-kissing! And I read all this advice stuff out in the ether and lo & behold that is what is EXPECTED of me!  And yet, I am treated like an afterthought at best.  And I am to accept this (with grace of course)!  OMG!! 

So, I saw the quote above in several places last week--another blogger, twitter, in a magazine, & someone actually said it to me, therefore I am led to believe that this must be my new mantra. And my life has certainly been chaotic & full of change--but where is the "great change?"  Mebbe it was the new lipstick I picked up at Sephora this week.  Pink instead of wine-colored...

Also, in these well-meaning stepmom advice columns I read the following, "be good to yourself, treat yourself, blah, blah, blah."  All I wanna do is drink several glasses of wine, grab a buzz, hang out with my BFF(J), & try to forget about being a step mom for once.  And I can't escape either.  When I owned my little house by myself & was upset with the situation, I could run back home & curl up in my soothing blue bedroom & be alone with my thoughts (or scream out my frustrations).  Having moved in with Xing Fu, & apparently having troubled the step kids by my yelling once, yes once, I am unable to escape.  Oh, & I'm certainly not allowed to raise my voice--I must keep an inside voice lest I disturb the sensitivities of the step kids.  At least that is what the advice columns also say.  Notice the angst in my tone?  I miss my little house....I think this is just residual to having been alone & making my own decisions about my house without having to consult anyone since my ex vacated the premises in 2004. But either way, I feel the growing pains most acutely when I am made to feel like an outsider in my own (new) home.  Bottom line...would I trade this for where I was before?  Hmmmm....I wouldn't trade the man I am with now--certainly this blog reflects my deep feelings for him.  And well, he comes with baggage--a lot.  As do I--he is a step parent too.  We have gone into this with our eyes wide open & are working hard to move our family forward. But once, just once, I'd love things to flow my way for a change.  New tweet: "trying to find my zen place #zenmaster."

1 comment:

rkeats said...

In reading this, I cannot help but feel that you are placing some unrealistic expectations on yourself and on your partner. First, let's consider that the enter family is experiencing growing pains and sailing in uncharted waters (at least for them). Next, I suggest that you and your partner have a realistic conversation in which there is some give and take on both sides. Because this is a PERSONAL blog, the reader does not get an understanding of your partner's point of view; only yours. What is he willing (or has) given up or compromised to be with you? There is much more to discuss than can be shared in a comment here. But I want you to know that you have every right to feel what you are feeling just as your partner, his children and your child does. Let's talk soon. I am here for you.