Chaos Theory

"All great changes are preceded by chaos." 
--Deepak Chopra

I am trying. Last week I tweeted, "repeat after me, I am not the evil step mom, I am NOT the evil step mom. #grittingteeth."  Why does it seem that my sense of humor & positive equilibrium have flown out the window recently?  Why can't I be gracious & accepting of being cast aside like yesterday's dirty dishes?  Huh? Why?  Even after, being a summer hausfrau, I wash and fold the step-daughters' laundry, am I outside, looking in at all of the fun & games that I'm not allowed to be part of.  Yes, I am to be welcoming, loving, gracious, supportive, generous, & thoughtful to excess for thee divine step children--even my own kid doesn't get that kind of over-the-top ass-kissing! And I read all this advice stuff out in the ether and lo & behold that is what is EXPECTED of me!  And yet, I am treated like an afterthought at best.  And I am to accept this (with grace of course)!  OMG!! 

So, I saw the quote above in several places last week--another blogger, twitter, in a magazine, & someone actually said it to me, therefore I am led to believe that this must be my new mantra. And my life has certainly been chaotic & full of change--but where is the "great change?"  Mebbe it was the new lipstick I picked up at Sephora this week.  Pink instead of wine-colored...

Also, in these well-meaning stepmom advice columns I read the following, "be good to yourself, treat yourself, blah, blah, blah."  All I wanna do is drink several glasses of wine, grab a buzz, hang out with my BFF(J), & try to forget about being a step mom for once.  And I can't escape either.  When I owned my little house by myself & was upset with the situation, I could run back home & curl up in my soothing blue bedroom & be alone with my thoughts (or scream out my frustrations).  Having moved in with Xing Fu, & apparently having troubled the step kids by my yelling once, yes once, I am unable to escape.  Oh, & I'm certainly not allowed to raise my voice--I must keep an inside voice lest I disturb the sensitivities of the step kids.  At least that is what the advice columns also say.  Notice the angst in my tone?  I miss my little house....I think this is just residual to having been alone & making my own decisions about my house without having to consult anyone since my ex vacated the premises in 2004. But either way, I feel the growing pains most acutely when I am made to feel like an outsider in my own (new) home.  Bottom line...would I trade this for where I was before?  Hmmmm....I wouldn't trade the man I am with now--certainly this blog reflects my deep feelings for him.  And well, he comes with baggage--a lot.  As do I--he is a step parent too.  We have gone into this with our eyes wide open & are working hard to move our family forward. But once, just once, I'd love things to flow my way for a change.  New tweet: "trying to find my zen place #zenmaster."

Boxing Day

This weekend was all about finishing my house.  The general contractor is getting closer to the finish line & Xing Fu & I took Friday off to spend the weekend getting to my finish line--de-clutter, dump, & purge all of the 11 years of stuff accumulated.  The house looks nothing like it did about a month ago & it really is looking like a house that is ready to be listed for sale--which kinda blows my mind.  The end is in sight--we're on the home stretch & now this house thing feels more like a reality instead of a pipe dream--I think it really hit me when my BFF(A) came down to inspect the changes yesterday.  

We'd gone down into my wine cellar to look at all of my boxes--Xing Fu & I spent a lot of time boxing up all of my wine--well, only about half thus far--12 boxes & about 100 more bottles to go.  As BFF(A) & I looked around the cellar--the wine racks stacked & empty & all of the boxes neatly labelled with what was inside (PN=Pinot Noir, CdR=Cotes de Rhone, e.g.), & she said, "I can't believe that you're going to leave."  It's true--I've lived down the street & her family was one of the first we met in the neighborhood.  Our sons have gone to the same schools together since kindergarten & only pursued their own pathways this year by going to different private schools. We've spent so many summers having impromptu barbeques & crab feasts & driven our kids back & forth to dances.  It is going to be so strange not to be in the same neighborhood anymore. Same kinda feeling for BFF(J) too.  Her hubby remarked that it would be different when we move because our boys won't be 5 minutes from each other anymore--15 minutes to be exact.  Just dropping my son off at their house will take a little more planning now--I truly hope that it will not change things too much. On one hand, I am excited for the future & my life together with Xing Fu but on the other, I'm scared that my friendships (& my son's) with my BFFs will change significantly as well--will wine tasting Saturdays be as easy as they are now when I move?