No One Is Carol Brady Except Carol Brady....And She Had Alice

I gotta say sometimes this blended family thing blows serious chunks!  OK, that being said, I remember reading some advice once about it being good to buy a new house together that way everyone can't claim territorial rights...good in theory but it doesn't take into account that in some ways, Xing Fu & I are kinda like a newly married couple, with all of the angst that comes in the first year of any marriage & subsequent moving in together issues. And yup, the added smooshing of families also adds more angst & the loss of the only house my kid has ever known, and, and, and....well, y'all get the point.  So why can't I be Carol?  The ability to smoothly glide into her step-children's lives (and Tiger's) & become the loving, cheerful, smiling stepmomma that everyone loves.  Maybe it's easier since they were both widowers & didn't have to deal with intrusive exes & confused loyalty issues. I'm sure the exes must have a bit of schadenfreude whenever there is perceived "drama"--the desire to see the house of cards come crashing down on the household & the vicarious, "I told you it wouldn't work.", while giving that little shake of the head & little half smirk of superiority...Well dammit! I ain't Carol & I really don't have Alice to smooth the rough edges. And sometimes, just sometimes I get oh, so tired of playing the part of something I'm not.  Stress fractures appear in the supposed calm mien & I need to "light out for the Territories" as Stephen King or Peter Straub might say in The Talisman. Which is exactly what I did on Sunday.  I disappeared for 6 hours--I couldn't breathe, I felt unwelcome in my own new house where there aren't supposed to be territorial issues, & I didn't want to scare anyone...so I lit out.  My son knew that I needed to get out & wasn't worried (he knows me so well) & I needed to get perspective & get away from a toxic dump.  I just needed to remind myself that "this too will pass" & that things will get better....in about 4-7 years! as the experts on blending families like to point out. And in reality, even though we've been in this house together since late May, it is still very new to all of us. Sometimes being a Brady is just much easier!

Chaos Theory

"All great changes are preceded by chaos." 
--Deepak Chopra

I am trying. Last week I tweeted, "repeat after me, I am not the evil step mom, I am NOT the evil step mom. #grittingteeth."  Why does it seem that my sense of humor & positive equilibrium have flown out the window recently?  Why can't I be gracious & accepting of being cast aside like yesterday's dirty dishes?  Huh? Why?  Even after, being a summer hausfrau, I wash and fold the step-daughters' laundry, am I outside, looking in at all of the fun & games that I'm not allowed to be part of.  Yes, I am to be welcoming, loving, gracious, supportive, generous, & thoughtful to excess for thee divine step children--even my own kid doesn't get that kind of over-the-top ass-kissing! And I read all this advice stuff out in the ether and lo & behold that is what is EXPECTED of me!  And yet, I am treated like an afterthought at best.  And I am to accept this (with grace of course)!  OMG!! 

So, I saw the quote above in several places last week--another blogger, twitter, in a magazine, & someone actually said it to me, therefore I am led to believe that this must be my new mantra. And my life has certainly been chaotic & full of change--but where is the "great change?"  Mebbe it was the new lipstick I picked up at Sephora this week.  Pink instead of wine-colored...

Also, in these well-meaning stepmom advice columns I read the following, "be good to yourself, treat yourself, blah, blah, blah."  All I wanna do is drink several glasses of wine, grab a buzz, hang out with my BFF(J), & try to forget about being a step mom for once.  And I can't escape either.  When I owned my little house by myself & was upset with the situation, I could run back home & curl up in my soothing blue bedroom & be alone with my thoughts (or scream out my frustrations).  Having moved in with Xing Fu, & apparently having troubled the step kids by my yelling once, yes once, I am unable to escape.  Oh, & I'm certainly not allowed to raise my voice--I must keep an inside voice lest I disturb the sensitivities of the step kids.  At least that is what the advice columns also say.  Notice the angst in my tone?  I miss my little house....I think this is just residual to having been alone & making my own decisions about my house without having to consult anyone since my ex vacated the premises in 2004. But either way, I feel the growing pains most acutely when I am made to feel like an outsider in my own (new) home.  Bottom line...would I trade this for where I was before?  Hmmmm....I wouldn't trade the man I am with now--certainly this blog reflects my deep feelings for him.  And well, he comes with baggage--a lot.  As do I--he is a step parent too.  We have gone into this with our eyes wide open & are working hard to move our family forward. But once, just once, I'd love things to flow my way for a change.  New tweet: "trying to find my zen place #zenmaster."

Blending & Bending

Other choices have been whirling around recently as well--more like frustrations in some ways.  Xing Fu & I have been working to, to use the vernacular, "blend" our families more.  There are choices on how to go about doing it.  It has been a very slow process  (he'd say that it has been timed just right).  I guess my kid is better able to adjust--perhaps because he's had more years since my divorce or because his father pretty much just shoved his new family in his face without even attempting to blend gradually.  Either way, he's been in a good place regarding Xing Fu's presence in our home & lives for the past year.  I know that in the case of my own parents' divorces & subsequent remarriages, they did it all wrong. All of a sudden, there were these new people--no discussion, no gradual coming to terms--they were just there--it totally sucked & both Xing Fu & I are determined that will not happen in our situation & it really hasn't.  Good. 

Anyway, we are certainly moving forward but I sometimes think his choices of pacing things stagnates a bit.  Generally what we've done thus far has gone very well--but our opportunities bringing our separate families together have been more like events & not the normal comings & goings of life.  What I'd like to see is less of that black & white degree of separation & more of shades of gray.  Activities together for sure but what about the quiet evening at home just chilling?  If he has his kids that weekend, if there's nothing specific going on, why not spend a quiet evening together?  Some of the kids may be around & others may be out with friends--the normal flow of a weekend.  Currently, as I am the sole parent for my son, my ex being in another state, the ebb & flow of our weekend when Xing Fu does not have his kids is just like that at my house.  My son may be home, may be at a friend's house or the friend may be here while Xing Fu is with me.  Nothing special, no event.  I guess that I feel a bit isolated from him when he has the kids & would like us (my son & I ) to be more involved in some ways. 

"Also, as the biological parent, recognize that you have a bond with your child that your partner does not share. This can leave him or her feeling isolated. Be sensitive to this and try to include your partner in daily routines as much as possible. Be sure to find activities that you all enjoy doing together."  

This is an excerpt from an article from the University of Florida entitled Couples Considering a Blended Family by Kate Fogarty, Millie Ferrer, and Sara McCrea.

Kinda where I am right now--I don't want to spend an ENTIRE WEEKEND smooshed together...just a portion...I want to normalize something that has been anything but normal for about a year now--slowly, absolutely, but not stagnated.

Continued Fall-Out 6 Years Later

Even 6 years later my divorce continues to impact me & my son.  It is unfortunate that relationships still seem to be driven by old ghosts of the past.  So much so that an innocent misunderstanding becomes an ugly argument.  My son was picked up by his grandfather & his father to go to some kind of show with his aunt.  That was great since he hasn't seen any of them since his Bar Mitzvah in early June.  Even more pressing is the fact that his grandfather is in the process of moving away so that the only link to that side of the family that lives near-by is his aunt.  Incidentally, his father has been in town for most, if not all of the summer & has made very little effort to see his son.  So I have been most anxious for him to have any time with any of them.  

It seemed like a good plan.  They would go do their thing & then have him home by 10 PM.  (Usually it wouldn't be an issue for my son to stay out later on the weekends but he had made plans with a school friend to go to Kings Dominion very early & needed to get some sleep).  Around 9:45 I get a text from my child stating that he'd be home around 11.  I respond telling him that wasn't very good planning as he has a very early morning.  About an hour later he texts that it will be after midnight, at which point I become very concerned as no adult has yet to communicate with me about the fact that I was expecting him home by 10 & that he really needs to get sleep.  Since I have no idea what he's doing or where he is, I call his cell.  His aunt picks up & proceeds to tear me a new one about how I was constantly texting (um, twice???) & interrupting & how that's just like me to be upset that he's with them.  Now wait a HUGE minute!!  I could care less if he's with them--in fact I want him to be with them.  What I'm upset about is that no one bothered to call to say that the show (I found out what it was at that point) was way longer than what I was told.  If I knew ahead of time that he'd be later I would not have allowed him to accept the invitation to go to Kings Dominion.  This is as a parent concerned for their child not because of who he's with.  All this is lost on his aunt of course who is ranting about how typical this is of me, etc., etc.  I interrupt her & say that I was happy that he was with them & that frankly I didn't believe that there'd be a next time (because she is conspicuously absent from his life, as is his father, & now seemingly his grandfather) so I doubted that an event like this would happen again.  That was the absolute wrong thing to say as she quickly misinterpreted my meaning as a threat. She said, "Are you threatening to block access to my nephew?  How dare you!!"  At this point I'm blown away that she even had the nerve to say "How dare you!", as she rarely, if ever, tries to make arrangements to do anything with her nephew.  So I explain what I meant by the statement that I didn't think there'd be a next time.  I said that I was quite surprised that anyone was doing anything with my son since she, or anyone else for that matter, doesn't bother to try to see him (she wasn't even at his Bar Mitzvah), call him, or attempt to have a meaningful relationship with him.  (Obviously I am quite upset at this point as she has been acting as quite the affronted one & my intent was purely concern for my son getting home at a decent hour) So I let her know how very disappointed I am in the entire lot of them & in particular her, as I have encouraged her to visit, make arrangements, call, etc., to ensure that he has ongoing connections with that side of the family.  Her mother & I worked hard to do that & she knew how generous I was with them when she was still alive.  She admits that she's dropped the ball & said that her mother was the one who made all the plans.  OK, that's all well & good, but her mother is gone & someone needs to step up or my son will not have a relationship with any of them.  And talking to me is the first way to continue that (even if they hate me & think I'm a witch--this of course based on my ex's views only & certainly not on the fact that I've made sure that my son has visited them as much as possible when his father was all but absent from his life--go figure!) That has all been pretty much lost & since no one from his grandfather to his father feels that they need to communicate plans with me, & instead make all their plans with my 13 yo son--hence where the problem lies.  If they'd called me to tell me specifically when the show would probably end, I'd not allowed my son to go to the amusement park the next day.  But since I heard the details from a child, well, need I say more?  So of course the one who suffers the most here is my son--who would love to see his granddad & aunt but does not because no one wants to take responsibility as adults to make the time.  I hope that this little incident lights a fire under his aunt--but I'm not holding my breath.

Best Laid Plans

Usually I adore a ton of snow--after all, when the schools are closed, I get a free day. Used to wake up on snowy mornings, waiting to hear the closings on the radio, hear my school or system was closed, & shove my skis in my car & hi-tail it to the Pennsylvania Mountains. But I so fervently did NOT want snow this weekend. I had plans, damn--was I pissed. At least I was able to enjoy Friday night.

Friday was a date with an online guy. Haven't been doing too much online stuff--took a break, had other diversions. I figured if a guy emailed & he looked remotely interesting, I'd give it a shot. And, actually, for the first time in a huge while, this guy wasn't a complete loss. Plus he took me to a phenomenal restaurant too--Woodberry Grill. Of course the oysters on the 1/2 and the great Black Ankle '06 Syrah were added bonuses on a truly fantastic dinner. The question, aside from the obvious one is did I like him? Yes, he was a lot of fun. Yes, good conversation. Were there huge sparks? Nope, but it was actually ok. Weirdly I didn't expect them but there were a few so it gives me hope. Or maybe I was more relaxed. Being online hasn't yielded too much so I wasn't expecting this one to be any different & I had mentioned that I'd thought he was a little too eager. And I also had come to the realization that aside from the Bull, the entire raft of online guys had been a big bust for the most part. Pondering it a bit I think it has to do with the fact that these guys pick me & I then I look at them & decide. If I meet someone out doing something, we choose each other--vastly more appealing--just a theory. Anyhoo, I may be willing to entertain round 2 with this guy...

But it was Saturday that I was truly bummed about. I had tickets to Alex Gray's Visionary Solstice Gathering at Sonar. I was seriously looking forward to this--after all, I missed it last year cuz of that guy who had 11 kids! But it appears that the fates were conspiring--sigh. At least it was postponed--there will be a gathering, but perhaps not solstice...I also was looking forward to the company-someone I've come to enjoy quite a bit--we always have so much to talk about--he's fun & comfortable to be around. I like it..safe, and that's a good thing. So another time... but the snow sure was beautiful, albeit quite deep. Being socked in is not my greatest wish--but I made my squash & root veg soup, and baked cookies for the kid, and listened to Radio Paradise while watching the blizzard outside. It was a nice, quiet day--rare but sometimes needed.

~and everyone checked in via some form of electronic device, also nice.

Argh!

Ever have one of those days? Actually, ever have one of those weeks, months, etc.? It has been an extremely frustrating & stressful time recently. I usually don't use this forum about work-related stuff for a variety of reasons but I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now that a good vent may be just the thing I need. No Heart attack-ack-acks....just bad-tempered.

I seem to have bitten off more than I can chew--agreeing to chair a new team when I can barely tread water on the the team I was tasked to lead in the first place. Of course I want to do a good job & not do my second team half-assed but because I am so swamped, that's just what's happening...sigh. It sucks massively because I feel like I'm letting a ton of people down & I hate that.

Additionally, I'm supposed to have clerical assistance but that just ain't happening right now. THAT is a major problem as well--the clerical aspect is a job unto itself.

This is the first year where I've felt so stressed & over my head--I don't like it. Most folk don't like the job I do but I do, IEP Chair--I love my school, my team & my location & for the past three years I've thrived. I have felt extremely fortunate to be doing what I'm doing after so many years in the classroom--15 to be exact and a couple years as a principal too. Maybe it's because I have a caseload this year far larger than the previous years or maybe it's because we've been hit with a ton of referrals, & re-evals, or maybe....I just don't know..

Anyway, just came back from an intense taekwondo class & I feel better--energized & refreshed--I got to beat people up & even managed to kick a little ass along the way...tomorrow's a new day & quite possibly a better one...