The List

Every woman has one--you know, the one where you list the qualities that you want in a man.  Don't deny it--you know you do!  Or at least the single women do--and that's where we ladies get in trouble I think.  Recently, there's been a big brouhaha about "Settling" for a man.  I think it's been triggered by a new book by Lori Gottlieb entitled Marry Him: The Case for Settling For Mr. Good Enough.  Anyone who's been reading this blog knows I have a problem with that in a very fundamental way.   I always have said that I refuse to settle and I don't think I have but, and here's where I think Ms. Gottlieb has been misunderstood--even by yours truly.  She says the following:

"The majority of single women who responded to a survey I sent out said that getting 80% of what they wanted in a mate would be settling.  The majority of single men said finding a woman with 80% of what they wanted would be a catch.  For these women, it seemed, "settling" meant not much less than everything."  --Washington Post

Last night I pulled out my list--yup, I have 100 things listed--I made it a few years ago when I started dating in earnest.  I think I may have been incited by the book The Secret in which you're supposed to ask the universe for what you want & you will receive it--the mere act of creating the list is supposed to help facilitate it or something...hmmmm....not too sure about that but I did it anyway cuz I was curious what I'd put down.   Soooo, upon reflection I think even then that I didn't think it was necessary to have 100% of what was on my list & in my reality, 80% wasn't settling but was great.  I think in my mind I am more similar to the guys here--in the world of Special Education--80% is the target--I'd say I'd have a catch with 80% of my list & no I don't feel that I'm lowering my standards or "settling" at all.  

I think most single 40 y o women need to rethink their lists.  That 80% really is a catch & is certainly not settling.  Case in point--after all this reading I've been doing recently--the Atlantic Review article & Slate as well as this excerpt from the Post, I do believe that getting most of what's on your list is fine--if not actually pretty awesome.   Additionally, I was reading an article in Glamour magazine a week ago about redefining what a woman is looking for.  Instead of "having a sense of humor like Tracy Morgan", a guy should make me laugh.  Maybe no one else gets his humor but if I do, then that's all that counts, really.  


Perfection does not exist--ok, so maybe he's a couple inches shorter than your ideal, or the receding hairline is REALLY receding, but what about the 80 other things on the list?  Does he make you laugh?  Can you talk until 4 AM & still know that you haven't finished?  Does he treat you with respect?  In the words of Steve Harvey, does he treat you like you are a "Keeper" fish or a "Sport" fish?  See where I'm going with this?  I can still be head over heels with 80% and that ain't settling!  Time to re-frame your thinking, ladies!  


I came to this conclusion because I was curious myself about my BF--where does he fit compared to my list?  So yes, I pulled it out & let him look at it.  Nope, he doesn't have everything--but the important qualities, the ones at the top of my list--the ones that you put down from your gut as opposed to having to really think hard about it,  well he does have those & frankly, those are the most important anyway.  It was a deeply personal thing to share with him, but it certainly aligns with why we get each other--we seem to be more alike than different, & I knew that ultimately he'd appreciate & respect my goofy little list.

Asking the Universe With Gratitude

It was a good weekend despite the moments of weakness. Actually it was a great weekend now that I think about it. I LOVE my friends! They are the awesomest, most amazing, loving, supportive, & fun--I am truly grateful--I cannot say this enough! Even though I do miss the couple thing it was kinda nice to be back into my routine. Before the sociopath (BS--OMG--I am soooo killing myself here! Glad I can crack myself up) I had a particular pattern of weekend events. Friday nights are TKD--my friends there & then dinner with my girlfriend & my son. She wasn't there this Friday but my son & I went to our favorite Korean place for He De Bop. I realize how nice it is to reconnect with my child--we've been doing that a lot this weekend--he is a great guy & actually dealing with this whole relationship thing may be good for him to see example of how not to act for future knowledge. We even went running together today, discussing his life & his dreams--haven't done that in a while--again, great to reconnect with the most important person in my life.

Saturday mornings again TKD (Yep--we're there a lot) & then later is of course the Saturday Best Friend's Wine Tasting (SBFWT) This week my BFF(J) brought two friends from Harford County with her. She had known them when they all lived and partied in Fell's Point together. Now they are both married with children but were able to sneak away as they said to join us. Now here is where I hope I never have to "sneak away" to do something like hang out with my BFFs. Where maybe being single is a plus--I only have to worry about babysitting at night. That's one reason why I love the both of my BFFs so much. They never forget their girlfriends--ever. They make time for me & for us. They accept me even though I don't have a man to complete the couple thing and invite me to dinners. They don't have to ask permission or sneak away--they are their own people. They are straightforward & tell it like it is which I definitely need right now. I never have to pretend either or be concerned that my quirkiness might be a little, well--quirky. They are easy to be with--no drama. I don't need friends that make being friends with them difficult--you know the type--you have to work to be their friend & there's always toe-squishing or hurt feelings. Plus they are great fun to be with--as if that's the bonus.

There's this unspoken rule that once you are a "single" being invited to dinner parties or other "couple" events is not an option. There is a group of folk from our outer social circle where this definitely holds true. Unless there's a party I'm invited to, I am not invited to a dinner party--except with my BFFs. That sucks because I'd love to be included but it just doesn't happen so I see these folk usually at parties & no other time. And when I do see them it's a lot of them asking about my dating life--almost the whole vicarious living thing. That gets tired kinda fast. Of course they all wanted to know about the sociopath unless they'd met him. Now they'll all wanna know about the break-up & I'll be expected to regale them of that drama--AGAIN. I think I'm done telling the story now--

After the tasting, which created a very tipsy me--I wasn't driving. We all go back to BFF(J)'s house for sushi and---you guessed--more vino! It was fun just being a bunch women enjoying each other & just hanging out. Even better was that I was supposed to drive my son & his friend (BFF(A)'s son) to a dance. It 7:45 & I needed to leave to get the boys but instead my BFF(A)'s husband called & offered to take them & pick them up! Wow! So cool--again allowing the friends to have such important time together. Eventually my BFF(A) & I left to get back to her house for when the boys got back but by that point it was very late & we were all tired anyway.

My friends tell me to ask the universe for what I want--kinda like the whole The Secret thing. So I am asking, but I am also asking with gratitude because of the kind of enduring & deep relationships I have with two of the most amazing women I know.