Just OK?

So according to this article I read online--many people are stuck in "semi-happy" relationships.  Pamela Haag wrote a book (Marriage Confidential) about these types of relationships & how to not stay in the rut.  She says that couples often settle for a "just ok" relationship--the question being, "Is this all there is?" Yeah, that's a toughie.  I think any LTR, be it marriage or otherwise, fights against that river current.  The romantic ideal--the feet floating above the earth, rapid heartbeat, etc., etc., just doesn't last--is that all there is when reality sets in? 

Glamour: You also mention that "children are the new spouses." How so?

Pamela Haag: When I grew up, there were times when adults wanted to be alone and have adult conversations, and kids were told to scram. Now kids are so often invited and have become the focus of family life, and that can negatively affect marriages.

Glamour: So how does one avoid falling into a semi-happy rut?

Pamela Haag: It's more about how you live in a marriage than whom you choose. I think people in happy marriages live like they're on vacation all the time, in the sense that they're paying attention to each other and trying to have some fun. Marriage should be enjoyable rather than just hard work.

Living like they're on vacation--finding things to do besides dinner & a movie for date night or sitting on the couch watching TV & ordering pizza.  Yup, I agree that is a major way to keep it lively. The quickest way to total dissatisfaction being too tired to go out. Get up!  Go sailing!  Heehee.  OK, if you get seasick, don't go sailing--but get up & do something.  It has been a year & a half & Xing Fu & I have yet to have a "traditional" date night--we've NEVER been to a movie together--it has now become a running joke.  What can we find to do other than that rut-producer?  Turns out--PLENTY!!  Going to the beach for the weekend for me is creating that alone couple time, geocaching, concerts & of course sailing...there's just so much to do--I think we do a good job of living like we're on vacation even in the midst of our responsibilities to our families & our work & anything else.  We make it part of our priority & I think it shows.  Good on us!

Soul Mate Redux

Excerpted from:


Dating 101: Have You Found Your Soul Mate? 10 indications that you may have found The One By dating expert Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.

So chances are, there is more than one person out there who fits the bill for you. All of them are less than perfect. But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether to stay or go? Here are 10 relationship markers to help you know if he or she is The One:

1. When you're together you feel like you've come home.

2. You feel like your partnership was meant to be, as if kissed by destiny.

3. In your communication with each other there is a rapid "knowing" of what each of you means.

4. You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the creation of a family life.

5. When you're together the world seems like a better place.

6. Your mood is elevated when you're together. It's not necessarily passion or excitement, although that's there too at times.

7. When you look at him/her you see a part of yourself that's been missing. Perhaps it's her assertiveness or his joy of adventure. But it's something that when added to your life, makes you feel more complete.

8. Being together makes you more hopeful about the future you are creating.

9. You can be more authentic and fully yourself around your partner.

10. Being together makes each of you work harder on overcoming bad habits and becoming more loving people.

Don't worry if you don't feel all 10 of these things when you're with your partner. That's where the imperfection comes in -- either in you or your partner. If you are experiencing six or more of these markers, chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work towards having all of these qualities. Couples who have lasting love find that their relationships get closer and better over time. And that process has been my privilege and good fortune to experience personally -- after a lot of hard work that continues to this day!

Bottom line: your chances of finding The One are better than you think. So go out there and start looking. Love almost always comes in a surprise package that opens up in marvelous and magical ways.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This article spoke to me on different levels.  One, because a lot of what is on that list resonates with me--coming home for example--huge.  Two,  because like Gottlieb, Kirschner also says that looking for a soul mate has caused many people grief & often people have overlooked someone who may be ideal but not have everything on the list.  And Three, relationships grow--if you work towards it--but that work doesn't need to be work when communication is open & honest.  In other words, looking at number 10, being together makes you work harder to overcome the bad habits--if holding emotion & feelings in instead of discussing them was the norm, now perhaps, learning to tell your partner what's going on is a change that you work hard to maintain.  

I like Kirschner's message--it seems a bit more optimistic than Gottlieb's.  

And I love the list...especially because after looking at it, both Xing Fu & I see that we have way more than 6.

The List

Every woman has one--you know, the one where you list the qualities that you want in a man.  Don't deny it--you know you do!  Or at least the single women do--and that's where we ladies get in trouble I think.  Recently, there's been a big brouhaha about "Settling" for a man.  I think it's been triggered by a new book by Lori Gottlieb entitled Marry Him: The Case for Settling For Mr. Good Enough.  Anyone who's been reading this blog knows I have a problem with that in a very fundamental way.   I always have said that I refuse to settle and I don't think I have but, and here's where I think Ms. Gottlieb has been misunderstood--even by yours truly.  She says the following:

"The majority of single women who responded to a survey I sent out said that getting 80% of what they wanted in a mate would be settling.  The majority of single men said finding a woman with 80% of what they wanted would be a catch.  For these women, it seemed, "settling" meant not much less than everything."  --Washington Post

Last night I pulled out my list--yup, I have 100 things listed--I made it a few years ago when I started dating in earnest.  I think I may have been incited by the book The Secret in which you're supposed to ask the universe for what you want & you will receive it--the mere act of creating the list is supposed to help facilitate it or something...hmmmm....not too sure about that but I did it anyway cuz I was curious what I'd put down.   Soooo, upon reflection I think even then that I didn't think it was necessary to have 100% of what was on my list & in my reality, 80% wasn't settling but was great.  I think in my mind I am more similar to the guys here--in the world of Special Education--80% is the target--I'd say I'd have a catch with 80% of my list & no I don't feel that I'm lowering my standards or "settling" at all.  

I think most single 40 y o women need to rethink their lists.  That 80% really is a catch & is certainly not settling.  Case in point--after all this reading I've been doing recently--the Atlantic Review article & Slate as well as this excerpt from the Post, I do believe that getting most of what's on your list is fine--if not actually pretty awesome.   Additionally, I was reading an article in Glamour magazine a week ago about redefining what a woman is looking for.  Instead of "having a sense of humor like Tracy Morgan", a guy should make me laugh.  Maybe no one else gets his humor but if I do, then that's all that counts, really.  


Perfection does not exist--ok, so maybe he's a couple inches shorter than your ideal, or the receding hairline is REALLY receding, but what about the 80 other things on the list?  Does he make you laugh?  Can you talk until 4 AM & still know that you haven't finished?  Does he treat you with respect?  In the words of Steve Harvey, does he treat you like you are a "Keeper" fish or a "Sport" fish?  See where I'm going with this?  I can still be head over heels with 80% and that ain't settling!  Time to re-frame your thinking, ladies!  


I came to this conclusion because I was curious myself about my BF--where does he fit compared to my list?  So yes, I pulled it out & let him look at it.  Nope, he doesn't have everything--but the important qualities, the ones at the top of my list--the ones that you put down from your gut as opposed to having to really think hard about it,  well he does have those & frankly, those are the most important anyway.  It was a deeply personal thing to share with him, but it certainly aligns with why we get each other--we seem to be more alike than different, & I knew that ultimately he'd appreciate & respect my goofy little list.