A while ago I used to write about my dating experiences--usually the 50 first duds, um, dates & my impatience about meeting "the one." Times have certainly changed since then & I am so happy to be with Xing Fu because I know how hard it is out there as a single 40-something mom trying to find a partner, friend, lover, non-cheater, hard-worker, etc., etc. But I also say that one's conduct (woman) & personal outlook about finding that person, has an awful lot to do with the success. I can say this because I've been there, done that. I'm not trying to be the old, all-knowing sage of dating, but I think I do have some thoughts worth sharing on the topic after having the various experiences that I have had--anyone out there remember the Bull? Yeah? Well, that's where I'll start...
We broke up & it was ugly. This was the epitome of a liar & a cheater--reference back to the fact that he had me in Baltimore & another woman in DC. Yup, classic bad man behavior. OK, so for a while I wrote on this blog how hurt I was & how horrible his behavior was, and it was to be sure. But how did I deal with it? Yeah, I vented about it, I cried, called my BFFs, & started back on the dating websites (waaaay too early) but I did NOT, under ANY circumstances, stalk, harass or talk to the Bull ever again. It so happened that the other woman & I had several conversations & emails back & forth, & ultimately I believe she forgave him (stoopid woman, but I understand) & they ended up together. And that hurt. A lot. But as I said, I understand because it is very hard for a single mom in her 40s to find a decent guy. Reference to the article from Slate http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2010/11/freaks-geeks-and-economists-from-slate.html that I posted in November..about the supply & demand of dating in your 40s http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2010/11/supply-and-demand.html. But, and I'm being deliberately redundant, even after she & I talked, I NEVER, EVER, contacted the Bull. I didn't look him up on facebook, I blocked his online dating profiles on Ok Cupid & other sites, & I didn't harass his DC chick. I was "done, done"(to use the engineering vernacular), even as hurt as I was. And I never gave up hope that he'd be out there--hence the positive outlook. I read many books & articles (many of which I posted about here), & I got back out there. But I also made a very deliberate decision about getting back out there.
Back on the dating sites--POF (Plenty Of Fish), Ok Cupid, Yahoo, Match, eHarmony--at one point I'm sure I had a profile on all of them & I went out on a lot of dates. And sometimes the guys were cool--Amsterdam anyone? And I did ignore Lori Gottlieb's advice--don't you do it! Because ultimately she has a very good point (points). But as I was out online, I was very specific about going about this "finding the one" in another & ultimately the most successful way. I've written about it--do what you love. Go out & get active--no passivity in "waiting for the one" to find you on POF. I'm sure I read this advice somewhere in my travels but I certainly took it to heart. I went sailing--a lot. I got active & for that first summer I spent all of the after-race parties as a single person, but I made friends & I had a blast. And I was NOT at home waiting. And you know the rest of this fairytale story--I have met the most wonderful man who loves me for me (and sails--a lot). I most definitely believe whole-heartedly that my conduct & attitude have everything to do with this success. Karma, karma, karma.
So why am writing about all of this now? I was inspired by a woman of my acquaintance who is struggling to let go & truthfully is not going about it very gracefully. I believe she deserves better but she will never find it until she has a significant paradigm shift. I hate to say this but she will NEVER, EVER find someone worthy of her unless she stops harassing her ex & his new girlfriend (no matter how skanky she thinks the new one is), and adopts an attitude of gratitude. No, I'm not trying to be cliched here, but it must be all cup half full & this litany of hate ain't winning her points in the Karmic Bank & Trust. There has been a ton of support thrown her way, very good that she has friends who care, but throughout the drama, there were some folk who told her over & over to get over the guy. Let it go--quit giving the guy her power....and they are right. At a certain point, about a month or two after my break-up with the Bull, I stopped referring to him so much & began writing more about my 50 first duds, and sailing...because I was out there doing what I loved & not perseverating on a loser. So to this woman who deserves better, I beseech you to go out & live your life (don't worry about being happy with yourself--no one ever is, but make friends with yourself instead) & conduct yourself with grace--this bitterness makes you ugly & no guy wants that!
"Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion!" --from Sixteen Candles.
Baltimore single mom's attempts at navigating the deep & confusing relationship abyss--now with added "stepmom duties" (with some sailing thrown in for good measure)
Showing posts with label Lori Gottlieb. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lori Gottlieb. Show all posts
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Supply and Demand
Are Dating economics like Voodoo economics?
I've been thinking about my last post & the article that I reprinted. It makes a lot of sense regarding the concept of economics & love. It is a valid idea--particularly as a 40 year old single/divorced woman. Lori Gottlieb has talked about it--it's not settling but it is looking for the diamonds in the rough perhaps. What I mean here is that as single women age there is an increased supply but lower demand. And as men age, the supply is lower because by their 40's "normal" men are either married, in a relationship, or players (read: jaded, cheater, the Bull, etc.).
Or there's something wrong with them. I also think that men do not like being single & seek to rectify that situation quickly if they find themselves that way, so catch 'em while you can or miss the opportunity. Women stay single longer, either after divorce or having never been married. I may piss off a lot of folks, & I certainly have little to back up my theories other than what I observe around me & the things I've been reading, but it is a hell of a lot tougher to be single & 40 plus. Even the idea of cougars--a lot of times portrayed as the desperate, predatory 50 plus woman...sucks. And what this sometimes translates as, similarly to college full of women & less men, is men behaving badly & being allowed to act that way--because otherwise you don't have a boyfriend. Yeah, kinda depressing, but reality can sometimes suck. I can reflect a bit on my own experiences as well: on-line dating did have a great supply but as my history has shown, many of the supply were kind of marginal. There were definitely some rough diamonds--Amsterdam, e.g., but overall it was very difficult. And, yeah, the playa, too. But, I think, trying not to be a total Debbie Downer, that if one keeps at it, and keeps the options open--my biggest advice has been to go do what you love--in my case, sailing. Even if you don't meet someone, you're engaged in the day--your hobby. And in my case, I met a very special person--it didn't happen all at once, but it did happen--and so far, so good & gets better everyday. And now that I am in a wonderful, committed relationship, I have been getting a lot of questions from some of my 40-plus single girlfriends--they usually ask if it will happen to them. My response is and will be that yes, absolutely--even if the demand is lower--hope trumps all--never give up--I am proof of that.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Freaks, Geeks, and Economists--from Slate
Found this article on Slate & found it quite interesting. I was thinking about the implications of this study on men & women in their 40's. I also began thinking about the findings and what Lori Gottlieb had to say about Mr. Good Enough. If there is a shortage of eligible men in my age bracket, according to the study, it would appear as though women would lower their expectations of men (cheating, and other behaviors, e.g.) in order to find a match. That thought is echoed in many places, I believe even in Sex & The City. "And, as you move from age box to age box and the contestants get fewer and fewer, are your chances of finding your soulmate less and less?" Are soulmates a reality, or a torture device?" So, depending on the population ratios of male to female, in my age bracket it just appears that we women get the short of the stick & are willing to make compromises as a result. Wow. That's a tough pill to swallow.
I am still reading the original study--there's more to this paper than just the shortages, but that was the first thing that jumped out at me--and yes, economics does play a role here--supply & demand for sure!
I am still reading the original study--there's more to this paper than just the shortages, but that was the first thing that jumped out at me--and yes, economics does play a role here--supply & demand for sure!
Freaks, Geeks, and Economists
A study confirms every suspicion you ever had about high-school dating.
By Annie Lowrey
Posted Monday, Nov. 15, 2010, at 3:42 PM ET
In the Darwinian world of high-school dating, freshman girls and senior boys have the highest chances of successfully partnering up. Senior girls (too picky!) and freshman boys (pond scum!) have the least.
These are truisms known to anyone who has watched 10 minutes of a teen movie or spent 10 minutes in a high school cafeteria. Now, however, social scientists have examined them exhaustively and empirically. And they have found that for the most part, they're accurate. So are some other old prom-era chestnuts: Teen boys are primarily—obsessively?—interested in sex, whereas girls, no matter how boy-crazy, tend to focus on relationships. Young men frequently fib about their sexual experience, whereas young women tend to be more truthful. Once a student has sex, it becomes less of an issue in future relationships.
A recently released paper—called "Terms of Endearment," but don't hold its too-cute title against it—looked at how and when high-school students choose mates and their preferences when searching for a partner. Economists Peter Arcidiacono and Marjorie McElroy of Duke and Andrew Beauchamp of Boston College examined an enormous trove of data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, more commonly known as Add Health. The survey first queried adolescents, from seventh graders to high-school seniors, during the 1994-1995 school year and has followed up with them periodically.
The poll asked a broad range of questions about health and behavior—and the data set has become the basis of dozens of famed medical, sociological, and economic studies. (For instance, James Fowler of UC-San Diego recently used data from Add Health to find that there might be a genetic foundation for an individual's political beliefs.) For their paper, Arcidiacono, McElroy, and Beauchamp focused on the dating and sex lives of high schoolers—a subject much-analyzed by magazine editors and romantic-comedy screenwriters, but less familiar to social scientists.
What the researchers looked for is called, in academic-speak, "matching": the likelihood and factors that lead to any individual partnering up. (They looked only at opposite-sex relationships within the same school.) That's uncommon: Most academic studies on marriage and partner-matching use a technique called "assortative mating," which looks at pre-existing couples and defines the characteristics they do and do not have in common. (Humans tend to partner with mates that look and act like them. In real terms, that means couples with the same socioeconomic, racial, and religious background are common. In high-school terms, that means math nerds date math nerds, though members of the debate team may also qualify.)
Arcidiacono, McElroy, and Beauchamp used a "two-sided matching model," which looks at what an individual says he or she seeks in a partner as well as what he or she ends up getting. The idea is that men and women—jocks and dorks, freshman and seniors—base their search not only on the characteristics of their chosen partner, but also the expected terms of the relationship. For 30-year-olds, that might mean predicating a relationship on willingness to marry or have kids. For high schoolers, that might mean basing a relationship on, well, the bases.
Arcidiacono notes that there's a treasure trove of statistical data on the dating preferences, rather than pairings, of adults, due to dating sites like Match.com. Relatively little such data exists for teenagers, who mostly work the old-fashioned meet-someone-in-homeroom way. But in examining the Add Health data, he and his colleagues found one classic economic tenet driving the byzantine high-school dating market: Scarcity determines value. Among freshman boys, what's rare, and therefore valuable, are freshman girls willing to have a relationship and, even better, willing to have sex. Among senior girls, what's valuable and scarce are boys willing to have a relationship without having sex.
The researchers open the paper by citing a New York Times article on dating at the University of North Carolina, where for every three women there are only two men. One coed argues that the gender imbalance has engendered a culture where men routinely cheat on their female partners. "That's a thing that girls let slide, because you have to," the student explains. "If you don't let it slide, you don't have a boyfriend." Dating, in other words, is a market like any other, and market power is determined by the abundance of resources.
A tamer version of that observation is borne out in the economists' work among high schoolers. Unsurprisingly, the majority of high school boys want to have sex (though only 47.6 percent of freshmen boys do). Unsurprisingly, the majority of high school girls do not (though 50.1 percent of senior girls do). Over the course of four years, the power shifts from the freshman girls who don't want to have sex to the senior boys who do.
The conclusion? Though high-school girls don't really want to have sex, many more of them end up doing so in order to "match" with a high-school boy. For them, a relationship at some point becomes more important than purity. Because of that phenomenon, in schools with more boys than girls, the girls hold more cards and have less sex. Where there are more girls, the male preference for sex tends to win out.
Of course, all this raises a question that has long bedeviled scores of Y.A. novelists, not to mention millions of teenagers: In high school, how exactly does one define a "relationship"? Rather sweetly, the Add Health study considers two a pair when they hold hands, kiss, and say "I love you." (It seems to me this knocks most high-school relationships out of consideration, but the criteria are the criteria.) And when does that happen? Boys and girls in the same grade account for about 42 percent of relationships, while older boys dating younger girls make up 40 percent of high-school relationships, and older girls dating younger boys make up 18 percent.
And who does the high-school dating system disadvantage most, statistically? Senior girls, at least according to the skew between stated sexual preferences and actual sexual activity. Though that will undoubtedly come as cold comfort to those legions of lonely 14-year-old boys.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Learning Each Other
So let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
Let Go--Frou Frou
I still haven't quite finished the Lori Gottlieb book, but I am continuously struck by what she has to say. I was reading a bit yesterday & came across some advice that a Rabbi gave to her. He said, "Many people, I believe, have an inability to believe that other people work differently. We don't realize that you have to learn someone in the way that you learn a subject. You can't do it only by feeling. You actually have to listen to them when they tell you how they work. That's a very counterintuitive thing to do because we all trust our instincts about people, but you really can be very wrong. Your instincts are based on people you know, and the person you're getting to know is not your mother or your ex-girlfriend or your sister." It is so true--he goes on to say that people give up too easily & really miss opportunities to really get to know someone. I think in the past, I may have been done just that, not listened & learned the other person. I think I'm doing right this time. We are learning each other & it does have bumps in the road. But I think we do listen to each other very carefully & we do talk it out. As a result, I know I'm more willing to compromise about things that may rattle me a bit.
An example, most days we send a couple emails back & forth to one another--sometimes about planning something, sometimes just to say, "how are you?, etc. Today, I sent an email early in the morning regarding upcoming concerts that I'd be interested in seeing. One band had a presale opening at 10 AM & I wanted to try to get the tickets as soon as possible--if it was even a possibility with scheduling anyway. No response. Ok, not too unusual, so I figure he's very busy & I usually get a response a little later--day goes by & still nothing. By the end of the day, I was a bit concerned because I do usually get some response--it may be brief, but there's at least something. But no--already a bit off-kilter about another issue completely unrelated to us, & having to do with my son, I of course get into my head again.
Learning each other--when he does call, on his way home, he tells me that he was extremely busy & really pushed a lot of his private life aside--singlemindedness here--wasn't personal & nothing was wrong. But I listened to what he had to say & then I think he listened to me--that even a short note is important--that nothing in response is unthinking & causes me to stress. I think we both get it--this may be a small bump, but how each of us moves forward from it, knowing that we've learned a bit more, can only help when the bigger bumps occur--and they will for sure...
Jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
Let Go--Frou Frou
I still haven't quite finished the Lori Gottlieb book, but I am continuously struck by what she has to say. I was reading a bit yesterday & came across some advice that a Rabbi gave to her. He said, "Many people, I believe, have an inability to believe that other people work differently. We don't realize that you have to learn someone in the way that you learn a subject. You can't do it only by feeling. You actually have to listen to them when they tell you how they work. That's a very counterintuitive thing to do because we all trust our instincts about people, but you really can be very wrong. Your instincts are based on people you know, and the person you're getting to know is not your mother or your ex-girlfriend or your sister." It is so true--he goes on to say that people give up too easily & really miss opportunities to really get to know someone. I think in the past, I may have been done just that, not listened & learned the other person. I think I'm doing right this time. We are learning each other & it does have bumps in the road. But I think we do listen to each other very carefully & we do talk it out. As a result, I know I'm more willing to compromise about things that may rattle me a bit.
An example, most days we send a couple emails back & forth to one another--sometimes about planning something, sometimes just to say, "how are you?, etc. Today, I sent an email early in the morning regarding upcoming concerts that I'd be interested in seeing. One band had a presale opening at 10 AM & I wanted to try to get the tickets as soon as possible--if it was even a possibility with scheduling anyway. No response. Ok, not too unusual, so I figure he's very busy & I usually get a response a little later--day goes by & still nothing. By the end of the day, I was a bit concerned because I do usually get some response--it may be brief, but there's at least something. But no--already a bit off-kilter about another issue completely unrelated to us, & having to do with my son, I of course get into my head again.
Learning each other--when he does call, on his way home, he tells me that he was extremely busy & really pushed a lot of his private life aside--singlemindedness here--wasn't personal & nothing was wrong. But I listened to what he had to say & then I think he listened to me--that even a short note is important--that nothing in response is unthinking & causes me to stress. I think we both get it--this may be a small bump, but how each of us moves forward from it, knowing that we've learned a bit more, can only help when the bigger bumps occur--and they will for sure...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Red Flags
Every time I start a new relationship I always worry about the red flags. I hope that I don't run into any & invariably I usually do. Good example was the last relationship I was in & his unwillingness to allow me to discuss anything that was really bothering me...or getting our sons together...or not being available by phone for an entire day when we're supposed to get together by 11AM....or...or...you get the picture. In fact, looking back, there were red flags EVERYWHERE & they basically drove me nuts! (Reference the post on Sunday February 22, 2009 Long Distance Dating http://boyfriendplease-sailorgrl.blogspot.com/2009/02/long-distance-dating.html Or any other one, really). But that is old news.
Those red flags can certainly mess up potential dates too--kinda like a list thing that Lori Gottlieb talks about--a red flag could be baldness or height or even his education level. You cross them out at the starting gate without a second look. In that case, it may be important to relax those flags a bit because you never know....look at Charlotte & Harry on SATC... Of course a red flag could be a non-negotiable. Let me give an example...
When I look at my list one of the top items is being a sailor. OK, you may think that's rather superficial but I don't. My ex-husband did not like the water AT ALL! He didn't get sea sick or anything, but for him spending the day sailing was like torture...that should have been a big, huge, planet-sized red flag! Yikes!! And I overlooked it! See what it got me? Sailing is in my blood so it really is a non-negotiable. But if the guy is willing to learn to sail & go out with me on the water, then I can be flexible. Well, the Bull passed the sailing test...but y'all know the rest. Xing Fu on the other hand--couldn't ask for much better--definitely no red flag there. Not only did we race together from Spring through the Summer when we met crewing, (and look forward to more), but we spend a lot of time talking about sailing & looking to finding as much time as we can going out there--preferably together, even if it will be on my parent's push-button sailboat.
There are of course other red flags & usually about a couple months into a relationship they begin to rear their questioning heads. And so, upon reflection, and two months in, so far, nuffin'. We've even talked about it...joked about it and ultimately, can't believe it. And I'm quite sure we're two of the more realistic people and aren't prone to rose-hued glasses at this place in our lives. Which is why we say to each other how lucky we are to have found one another.
Those red flags can certainly mess up potential dates too--kinda like a list thing that Lori Gottlieb talks about--a red flag could be baldness or height or even his education level. You cross them out at the starting gate without a second look. In that case, it may be important to relax those flags a bit because you never know....look at Charlotte & Harry on SATC... Of course a red flag could be a non-negotiable. Let me give an example...
When I look at my list one of the top items is being a sailor. OK, you may think that's rather superficial but I don't. My ex-husband did not like the water AT ALL! He didn't get sea sick or anything, but for him spending the day sailing was like torture...that should have been a big, huge, planet-sized red flag! Yikes!! And I overlooked it! See what it got me? Sailing is in my blood so it really is a non-negotiable. But if the guy is willing to learn to sail & go out with me on the water, then I can be flexible. Well, the Bull passed the sailing test...but y'all know the rest. Xing Fu on the other hand--couldn't ask for much better--definitely no red flag there. Not only did we race together from Spring through the Summer when we met crewing, (and look forward to more), but we spend a lot of time talking about sailing & looking to finding as much time as we can going out there--preferably together, even if it will be on my parent's push-button sailboat.
There are of course other red flags & usually about a couple months into a relationship they begin to rear their questioning heads. And so, upon reflection, and two months in, so far, nuffin'. We've even talked about it...joked about it and ultimately, can't believe it. And I'm quite sure we're two of the more realistic people and aren't prone to rose-hued glasses at this place in our lives. Which is why we say to each other how lucky we are to have found one another.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The List
Every woman has one--you know, the one where you list the qualities that you want in a man. Don't deny it--you know you do! Or at least the single women do--and that's where we ladies get in trouble I think. Recently, there's been a big brouhaha about "Settling" for a man. I think it's been triggered by a new book by Lori Gottlieb entitled Marry Him: The Case for Settling For Mr. Good Enough. Anyone who's been reading this blog knows I have a problem with that in a very fundamental way. I always have said that I refuse to settle and I don't think I have but, and here's where I think Ms. Gottlieb has been misunderstood--even by yours truly. She says the following:
"The majority of single women who responded to a survey I sent out said that getting 80% of what they wanted in a mate would be settling. The majority of single men said finding a woman with 80% of what they wanted would be a catch. For these women, it seemed, "settling" meant not much less than everything." --Washington Post
Last night I pulled out my list--yup, I have 100 things listed--I made it a few years ago when I started dating in earnest. I think I may have been incited by the book The Secret in which you're supposed to ask the universe for what you want & you will receive it--the mere act of creating the list is supposed to help facilitate it or something...hmmmm....not too sure about that but I did it anyway cuz I was curious what I'd put down. Soooo, upon reflection I think even then that I didn't think it was necessary to have 100% of what was on my list & in my reality, 80% wasn't settling but was great. I think in my mind I am more similar to the guys here--in the world of Special Education--80% is the target--I'd say I'd have a catch with 80% of my list & no I don't feel that I'm lowering my standards or "settling" at all.
I think most single 40 y o women need to rethink their lists. That 80% really is a catch & is certainly not settling. Case in point--after all this reading I've been doing recently--the Atlantic Review article & Slate as well as this excerpt from the Post, I do believe that getting most of what's on your list is fine--if not actually pretty awesome. Additionally, I was reading an article in Glamour magazine a week ago about redefining what a woman is looking for. Instead of "having a sense of humor like Tracy Morgan", a guy should make me laugh. Maybe no one else gets his humor but if I do, then that's all that counts, really.
Perfection does not exist--ok, so maybe he's a couple inches shorter than your ideal, or the receding hairline is REALLY receding, but what about the 80 other things on the list? Does he make you laugh? Can you talk until 4 AM & still know that you haven't finished? Does he treat you with respect? In the words of Steve Harvey, does he treat you like you are a "Keeper" fish or a "Sport" fish? See where I'm going with this? I can still be head over heels with 80% and that ain't settling! Time to re-frame your thinking, ladies!
I came to this conclusion because I was curious myself about my BF--where does he fit compared to my list? So yes, I pulled it out & let him look at it. Nope, he doesn't have everything--but the important qualities, the ones at the top of my list--the ones that you put down from your gut as opposed to having to really think hard about it, well he does have those & frankly, those are the most important anyway. It was a deeply personal thing to share with him, but it certainly aligns with why we get each other--we seem to be more alike than different, & I knew that ultimately he'd appreciate & respect my goofy little list.
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