Post-Divorce Dating

I really like this blog post from Huffington Post blogger Magda Pecsenye.  She talks about the guys that women will date & what they ought to be like.  It is a very encouraging post. But first I want to chat about the guys who a newly minted post-divorce dater may run up against.  When I began dating after divorce I really ran into some doozies. Pecsenye talks about "The Dude Who Never Learned".  Yeah, I seemed to find a lot of those guys.  Scratching their heads wondering why their marriages failed--chasing the younger chicks--very young chicks, & wondering why you don't fawn all over him when he brags about his car, boat, job, money, etc., etc.  In other words, a very superficial guy who learned NOTHING from his failed marriage.  Yikes!!  These men are often the "confirmed bachelors" who never found the perfect girl. Any of you newly single post-divorce women out there--make sure you recognize the signs--they can be very charming & a lot of fun but there will never be a future.  Expect that the previously married ones have accounts with Ashley Madison & are always looking for, as my friend C says, "the bigger, better, deal" or BBD. 

Eventually, you may tire of these guys & actually start to look at some of the options that you passed on early on.  These guys may not be the most exciting at first glance but they turn out to be just about perfect for the reasons that Pecsenye points out in "6 Things About the Men You'll Date After Divorce".
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/magda-pecsenye/dating-after-divorce_b_4545869.html?utm_hp_ref=dating-after-divorce 

She's right--basically, these guys do "really like you."  They're appreciative of who you are & what you have to offer, warts & all.  They are honest & do not play games.  Who has time for that crap?  I don't.  One of the reasons I liked Xing Fu was because he was honest.  There are no hidden agendas--I've said that about him before. And as far as I know there are no Ashley Madison accounts....And, when Pecseyne talks about not texting or calling--it has nothing to do with nefarious intent & everything to do with being busy with kids, work, a Duke basketball game--Xing Fu always, always got back to me.  Yeah, he's really obsessed during March Madness, but I've decided it is a lot of fun & I look forward to it as well--something that we can share. What you see is what you get--that is all.  

Here are a few other reasons right from the post--

 
They might be hurt. Whether it's stuff from a previous marriage and divorce, stress from being single for so long, work and life pressure, or just the normal crap that happens to boys that they're not allowed to talk about but that they bring with them into manhood, men this age are unlikely to not have something hurting them that they carry around without realizing it. That means that sometimes their urge is to self-protection, and that doesn't mean that they don't trust you or don't want to be with you. It just means that they aren't perfect, and that they could use a friend. If you two can become real friends -- the kind of friends who help each other heal by being honest and trustworthy and loyal -- then you'll both have someone to trust, whether or not you end up together romantically.
They like sex. And they're radically better at sex than they were 10 or 15 years ago. They're better at individual acts, at pacing, at appreciating your body, at paying attention to what's working for you, at doing something explosive together. They have a more mutual view of pleasure than they did when they were younger, and they're more confident in themselves and their bodies. They're really happy to be having sex with you, and they're happy that you want it with them.
They're good at their jobs, but it's not how they identify themselves. By now they've done the whole "master of the universe" career-building thing, so they've gotten really good at what they do. But they've also figured out that it's not the only thing that gives them identity, and isn't the most important thing about them. This gives them confidence, but also makes them more interesting to talk to than guys in their 20s who self-identify by their job titles. Men over 35 will tell you what their jobs are, but then they talk about "what they do," whether it's hang out with their kids, play soccer, take pictures, or whatever else has their heart instead of just their working hours.

Those guys are out there--believe me, I should know.  I'm very lucky to have found one.  

OOPS!

OK, so maybe in chasing the fun & interesting story, I may have fabricated in the telling.  To those that I may have caused concern, my apologies.  It will not happen again.

Maryland Winery Tour

Black Ankle

Yesterday was a perfect day to drive out to Western Maryland. Sailing friends of ours (who we've become very close to), drove up from 'Naptown mid-morning & we piled into my car for the drive out to Frederick.  Our destinations: Black Ankle Winery http://www.blackankle.com/ & Serpent Ridge Wineryhttp://www.serpentridge.com/ . Just can't beat going to the vineyards themselves.  And I keep saying rather vociferously that Maryland wines are really quite good--I have become especially enamored of Boordy (belong to their wine club), Black Ankle (belong to their wine club now), & Serpent Ridge (no wine club to join). We arrive at Black Ankle & settle in for the wine tasting--I have to say that the tasting room was something right out of Napa/Sonoma.  The entire structure was eco-friendly & locally sourced--right from the vineyard--from the walls constructed from the clay to the tasting bars made from old vines. It was incredibly beautiful just like the wines that they produce.  Ever since I first tried their Crumbling Rock in their first vintage in 2006, I have been a huge fan.  My other fav of theirs is the Syrah.  In my wine cellar I still have 2 bottles of their award-winning '06 Syrah--so smooth & oh, so amazing. I decided that after buying so much at a wine shop at home, it was time to bite the bullet just like I had for Boordy http://www.boordy.com/ & join their wine club as well.  And I'm glad I did because after December there will now be a wait-list for Black Ankle's wine club.  Being on a wait-list sucks--I've been on Kosta Brown's wait-list for 2 years now....but that indicates just how good these wines are.  Anyway, we all sat down & had a great spread with a Syrah & their last year's vintage Passegiatta.  Everything is locally sourced so we had two beautiful cheeses: Cherry Glen's Monocacy Ash (Incredible), & from South Mountain Creamery, Mountaintop Bleu.  Olives, & great crusty bread from a nearby bakery.  YUM! And I didn't even mention the chocolates from Frederick--A-may-zing!!

We could've stopped there, but I was on a mission to also get to a new up & coming winery: Serpent Ridge.  I have fallen in love with their blend named Basilisk--blend of Cabernet Sauvignon & Cabernet Franc.  So we load up into my car & decide to make a little detour to Elk Run which is just down the street from Black Ankle.  My criticism is that Elk Run's wines try very hard but just don't cut it in my book.  I will say that the Cabernet Sauvignon Liberty Tavern Estate Reserve was quite good.  Thumbs up to that one.  It may be woth it to go give them a fresh taste first but that didn't blur for my enjoyment of the Serpent Ridge wines which we had third...so I don't know...

Serpent Ridge--for a new vineyard is producing some good stuff.  Loved the Vintner's Cabernet but the Basilisk is what I came for--so good!

All of this wine experience brings me to the end--a little chat about Boordy--pretty close to home with probably the best Cabernet Franc that I've ever had.  Maryland is just perfect for growing Cab Franc & Boordy has outdone themselves with the Cabernet Franc Reserve--only available now to wine club members so unless you've got a friend, you won't be able to try this truly outstanding wine. The others that I enjoy are the Landmark Reserve, South Mountain Red, & the Dry Rose.  

Bottom line--there are some wonderful Maryland Wineries out there--I plan to visit more--been to quite a lot but the list is growing.  I am a huge supporter of local wines & need to expand to the Eastern Shore, but so far, loving where I've visited thus far.  It certainly helps that I got to enjoy these places with great friends!   

My Marriage Reality

An article has been circulating around the 'net recently--dare I say it--gone viral, entitled "Marriage isn't for You".  http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/  On first blush (heh), I quite liked ALL that was said--why wouldn't I?  It implied that the man should put his girl first, & everyone else for that matter, but I'm getting away from my train of thought....I do love the sentiment though.  The basic idea came from his dad who said, " I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”  Nice!  Who wouldn't want your man doing all he can for you??  But it won't work.  Evah!  Not to say to be all Debbie Downer, but let's be realistic here.  What man will willingly debase himself like that & be pussy-whipped for a woman?  I don't know too many of them....bet you don't either.  Instead, I like to think that marriage, or any serious long-term, committed relationship is a 60-40 proposition--otherwise known as the 60-40 rule.  I've talked about this before--sometimes you give 60% & your SO gives the 40.  And sometimes that is reversed--just depends on the situation & the partner's need at the time.  And, what I really take from this little incredibly loving statement to his wife, is that marriage really is hard work.  As the author Seth Adam Smith says, "It (his father's advice) went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one."   I agree 100% with that statement.  People will so easily cast aside their relationship & are unwilling often to do the hard work.  

So lo & behold, across the web comes the counter article: Why Man's 'Marriage Isn't For You' Essay Misses the Mark. http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/why-man-s--marriage-isn-t-for-you--essay-misses-the-mark-201042173.html  And I definitely agree with this excerpt:

According to Andrea Bonior, PhD, a Washington, D.C.-based licensed clinical psychologist, Smith's intention may be good, but his message is muddled. “People live crazy, hectic lives, so taking time to appreciate your partner and the commitment you made to each other is a positive thing,” she tells Yahoo Shine. “However, marriage is not just about one person's needs." Science substantiates that: One recent study conducted by Monmouth University found that couples who focus on their own personal growth, as opposed to their partner's, are more committed and enjoy longer marriages.

Reality check.  The rest of the article discusses what the consequences could be if the advice is taken literally--abusive spouse?  Do you bend over & take that or is there a time when enough is enough?  Mentally ill to the point of incapacitation?  Emotional abuse?  See where I'm going here?  I believe that Smith wrote the article for the marriages that face the daily slings & arrows....and being reminded of how important it is to love one another, & work through the issues is always a good thing.

In the end however, it is this little facebook thingy that I liked the most:

 An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

Vote For Me!

Hi all out there in the blogosphere!  It's that time of year again when I ask my readers to give back a little by going & voting for my blog daily.  Yep, it's time for the Mobbies (Maryland's Outstanding Blogs) 2013.  Last year I made it to the top 5 in Best Personal--I'd love to make it higher this year.  So I am asking for all of you readers to step up & cast your vote!  And, you don't have to live in Charm City to spread the love....

As it stands, having been nominated again has helped me move past some of the old writer's block & show a little motivation to write more.  Always a good thing because allowing all that jumble of my brain to fester without an outlet just is not good... 

I thank you for your support--just click on the badge top right to log on to vote--just that easy!

 

"L" on my Forehead

I am a LOSER!  I missed my blogoversary again!!  Am I that much of a domestic diva that I forget my humble beginnings?  In 2008 I started recording all of my mind-numbing antics dating out there in divorced-single-parent land & I guess I've come 180 from there...in a new house, with my "soul-mate" & an instant family (aside from my own son) & a stepmother of 2 1/2 kiddos (the 1/2 is the one in college)....certainly enough blog-fodder to continue this running dialogue to be sure.  I have thought about changing the name & the direction, essentially starting a new blog altogether but the name really does still fit.  Why?  Well, I haven't gotten remarried & I don't see a rock on my finger in the near future so technically Xing Fu is still my boyfriend. And will be for the yet unseeable, unknowable future....but lucky me I've found my kissable frog & maybe, because I haven't been writing too terribly much this past blog year, it has something to do with "near-wedded" bliss.  Yeah, lots has happened but do I want to bore the blogosphere with information about which laundry soap works best on cat blood?  Well, maybe you do want to know...actually, I have no clue. 

So I imagine that another reason why I've been missing writing is because of sailing--all-consuming, all engrossing & a bit of a niche community, sailing.  I should really get an apartment in Annapolis--I practically live there during the summer.  And, honestly, it is the only place where I've had a really decent Dark 'n' Stormy.  (Annapolis: A drinking town with a sailing problem.)  I know a lot of my sailing friends check this blog on occasion but aside from them, who the hell knows the difference between a gybe & a tack???  So, I've laid off the sailing posts a bit too--except for the last one--oh boy was that a doozy!  But I can tell you that my sailing season is essentially over & I probably won't be writing too much more about it until April...*sniff*.  I still have this huge knot over my elbow & pretty horrific bruising that is fading, but that's all that is left of my sailing for the season. 

I sit here now thinking about the future of this blog. What will be the turn?  Xing Fu & I trying to figure out what to do when we aren't sailing?  Or what it means to find that supposed "soul mate" & what to do with him once you do....day in & day out we take for granted where we came from--we need to make sure that we remember what it was so we can appreciate what it is now.  So many women of my age bracket are out there looking--all I can say is, keep going!  Keep fighting the good fight! Mebbe I can have some helpful tidbits to dole out now & then about finding that prince among the frogs.   Reflecting back to 2008 when I started this thing--it has been one heck of a ride!

Oh, Happy Halloween everyone!  Be safe!

Bat Halloween Nightmares

  

One For The Record Book

Yup, been mostly missing here for a while....just not too terribly much to pontificate on currently....living day-to-day, doing the family 'thang.  You know, the big *SNORE*...well, not entirely.  There were some really good times out racing thrown in for good measure.  Case in point, the fall Oxford race was just awesome!  Good crew, good wind, really in sync--probably some of the best racing I've ever done...it was really nice to finally feel the exhilaration that comes when you know that the boat & all on board knocked it out of the park.  

But I digress.  Saturday looked to be a fun day on the water--nice breeze, fun crew, etc., etc.  Time for the Annapolis Yacht Club's Fall Series race--2 days of windward-leewards & I was trimming spin...I couldn't be much happier....the previous week had been the distance race & it was good fun--& again, I got my trim on so I was in a good place.  

So here's my story:  We all have them--those crazy sailing adventure stories...

We were ready for the final race of the day & had gotten a terrific start. We were getting ready to turn the windward mark & I was thinking about getting set up for trimming the kite--making sure the sheets & guys were in place--the sheet wrapped around the winch on the cabin top so I could get the kite trimmed in after the hoist, etc. And then it happened.  As another crew member & I were flying across the cabin top during the tack, I reached for the handrail at the same time & place she did & somehow never grabbed hold of it.  I just kept on going--as in right off the boat!  She told me later that I flew horizontally under the lower lifeline! Well, the first thought I had after I was under water was, "Wow! The bay is green this time of year!"  The next thought was, "Oh Shit!  I'm in the water!"

OK, don't panic!  Here I am, fully dressed, foulies, in mid/late October, in the Chesapeake Bay treading water while the 2-3 foot chop splashed over my head & I still have my sunglasses & hat attached to me!  Immediately, the folks on board yell "MAN OVERBOARD!" & throw me a life jacket--I swim to it as they tack around to try to get closer to me.  Headsail dropped of course.  However, I think they got just a little to close--if I hadn't backed out of the way, I would've gotten beaned and/or run over by the boat! Now to figure out how to get back on the boat--drowned rat that I am. It just wasn't gonna happen...there was no emergency swim ladder on board & at this point I was too heavy & too fatigued to even try to help pull myself up or even swing a leg over the gunwale.  So maybe a makeshift ladder of bowlines?  Nah.  I was starting to get cold & fatigue was setting in.  Thankfully, since we were close to the turn mark, the race committee wasn't too far away.  They were hailed & came over.  They had a swim platform & a ladder but I had to get over to them--the sea was just too choppy to get close to the boat I just flew off of & they had to take care that they didn't run me over either.  Finally, a ring buoy with a line attached was thrown to me--but wouldn't you have it--Murphy's Law in action!  The wind kept blowing the buoy back to the boat--ACK!  Eventually, I was able to grab hold & be pulled to the RC boat.  I climbed slowly out of the water to be rushed on board. All told, I spent 30 minutes in the water...if it had been a little later in the season & the water a little colder.....well, I think you get it.  

Yeah, I can be pretty dense, or I was in shock because I kept telling the folks on the RC boat that they had to get me back on board so I could finish the race & get my stuff.  This tiny woman looked at me like I was nutso & yelled at me, "You get your ass on this boat!  You are NOT going back on that boat!"  Meekly, I climbed under the canvas top & sat down.  They didn't have much in the way of emergency equipment like a blanket or even spare jackets but there was an extra t-shirt that I wrapped around myself as best I could as the crew on board the RC boat raced back towards Annapolis & the yacht club.  I must say that my "mother hen" was simply wonderful.  She took care of me with the utmost concern.  Found me a change of clothes, made sure I had something hot to drink, had a doctor, or three, including one oral surgeon, check me out (I have a huge goose-egg on my arm & some serious bruising), gave me a blanket, towels, & some really good cream of crab soup, and stayed with me until someone from my boat picked me up.  She is my angel!

This situation, amusing now, could have been a lot worse when I look at it in retrospect.  As I said, had it been colder, windier, choppier....had I hit my head instead of my arm on the way into the water...had the RC boat been farther away....anyway.

Here's my take on this:  I think every racing boat should be equipped with an emergency swim ladder--they don't weigh much (very important), they roll up & can be stored easily.  I also think that if a crew has not done a man overboard drill at least once per season, it really needs to be done asap.  I also think that every RC boat should be equipped with blankets, towels, etc., in case this happens again and it will--not everyone who races is a he-man jock.  And I don't think too many folk can just easily hoist themselves back on a boat in full gear after treading water in the cold...maybe they can but I really don't think so...

I also think that I'm one tough broad!

I'm ready to race this weekend, bruising & all!