Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Never Date a Non-Sailor & Other Truisms




It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” – Friedrich Nietzsche



I agree with this statement wholeheartedly. Passionate love only lasts so long--it is the slogging through after the head-over-heals, feet never touching the ground ground feelings wear off that matters. Yes, "the slings & arrows of outrageous fortune" don't go away & how a couple deals with them together makes all the difference. Having the core of a deep friendship can make even the most difficult circumstances bearable. And true love is built on real friendship over time.

Having been through one failed marriage, I've come to the conclusion that my ex & I were at our best as friends. And at one time we were friends but I think we fooled ourselves into thinking that there was enough commonality in values, hobbies, interests to sustain us. There just wasn't. Xing Fu & I joke about the one dating rule that we adhere to: "Never date a non-sailor." We both did not follow that rule the first go 'round & look where it got us...We joke but I think there is a truth there. We met doing what we love--there isn't a day that goes by that sailing isn't mentioned. In fact, our house could be described as a shrine to sailing.  Sad, but true. All of our sailing friends love it...  But, that is our passion. I feel my happiest & most alive when I'm out there & what better than to share that with someone I love & who understands my need to be trimming the kite.  But this isn't a blog about sailing, really...ha! Who'm I kidding??  My point in all of this is that common interests, ahem, obsessions, (joking) are extremely important. I look at other sailing couples in our social circle & being out on the bay together seems to be very satisfying for them as well.  I know that when I was out in the dating scene, I decided to dive back into the sailing community for a big reason--I loved sailing & I really wanted to be with someone else who loved it as well (and my other passion of horseback riding has, like, zero men).  As I've talked about in much earlier posts, even if I didn't meet anyone, I was loving my hobby, er, obsession.  I also want to point out that even though sailing was what drew us together, that wasn't the only thing about our original friendship.  Actually, it was The Who. At least, that's what got us talking in the first place.  And our common interests are very important--we enjoy doing things together & building on the basis of our friendship. I think good marriages & LTRs are bound together by just enjoying being with your best friend.

Below is a little quiz thingy I found about knowing your spouse/significant other. Have you lost touch with these things? Yeah, some of them seem trivial but when I thought about it, I realized that these are the dailys--and adapt as needed--if your partner doesn't like movies that much, how about favorite books.  If you have lost touch--use this as a way to jump off & reach back out to reconnect.

  • I can name my partner's best friends.
  • I know what stresses my partner currently faces.
  • I know the names of those who have been irritating my partner lately.
  • I know some of my partner's life dreams.
  • I am very familiar with my partner's religious beliefs.
  • I can outline my partner's basic philosophy of life.
  • I can list the relatives my partner likes least.
  • I know my partner's favorite music.
  • I can list my partner's favorite three movies.
  • I know the most stressful thing that happened to my partner in childhood.
  • I can list my partner's major aspirations.
  • I know what my partner would do if he/she won a million dollars.
  • I can relate in detail my first impressions of my partner.
  • I ask my partner about his/her world periodically.
  • I feel my partner knows me fairly well. 
Adapted from:  Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown. And from "Forever Families" http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/article.aspx?a=58


Thursday, October 31, 2013

"L" on my Forehead

I am a LOSER!  I missed my blogoversary again!!  Am I that much of a domestic diva that I forget my humble beginnings?  In 2008 I started recording all of my mind-numbing antics dating out there in divorced-single-parent land & I guess I've come 180 from there...in a new house, with my "soul-mate" & an instant family (aside from my own son) & a stepmother of 2 1/2 kiddos (the 1/2 is the one in college)....certainly enough blog-fodder to continue this running dialogue to be sure.  I have thought about changing the name & the direction, essentially starting a new blog altogether but the name really does still fit.  Why?  Well, I haven't gotten remarried & I don't see a rock on my finger in the near future so technically Xing Fu is still my boyfriend. And will be for the yet unseeable, unknowable future....but lucky me I've found my kissable frog & maybe, because I haven't been writing too terribly much this past blog year, it has something to do with "near-wedded" bliss.  Yeah, lots has happened but do I want to bore the blogosphere with information about which laundry soap works best on cat blood?  Well, maybe you do want to know...actually, I have no clue. 

So I imagine that another reason why I've been missing writing is because of sailing--all-consuming, all engrossing & a bit of a niche community, sailing.  I should really get an apartment in Annapolis--I practically live there during the summer.  And, honestly, it is the only place where I've had a really decent Dark 'n' Stormy.  (Annapolis: A drinking town with a sailing problem.)  I know a lot of my sailing friends check this blog on occasion but aside from them, who the hell knows the difference between a gybe & a tack???  So, I've laid off the sailing posts a bit too--except for the last one--oh boy was that a doozy!  But I can tell you that my sailing season is essentially over & I probably won't be writing too much more about it until April...*sniff*.  I still have this huge knot over my elbow & pretty horrific bruising that is fading, but that's all that is left of my sailing for the season. 

I sit here now thinking about the future of this blog. What will be the turn?  Xing Fu & I trying to figure out what to do when we aren't sailing?  Or what it means to find that supposed "soul mate" & what to do with him once you do....day in & day out we take for granted where we came from--we need to make sure that we remember what it was so we can appreciate what it is now.  So many women of my age bracket are out there looking--all I can say is, keep going!  Keep fighting the good fight! Mebbe I can have some helpful tidbits to dole out now & then about finding that prince among the frogs.   Reflecting back to 2008 when I started this thing--it has been one heck of a ride!

Oh, Happy Halloween everyone!  Be safe!
Bat Halloween Nightmares

  

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Teamwork

So the last post was about what NOT to do.  This one is inspired by long term commitment. I read a lot of stuff out there on the 'net having to do with relationship advice.  Some is good but most is very superficial.  And of course I've joined the fray...but I often write this stuff to look at my own relationship & remind myself of what we do right & what we need to improve. Sometimes I come across an article that is really good.  The one that I'm going to write about today stands out.  It talks about longevity in a relationship.  How the successful ones last.  It also starts with a quote from a philosopher I've run into before, Paul Tillich.  He says, "Any deep relationship to another human being requires watchfulness and nourishment."  Simple but oh, so hard to do! Here is the link to the full article by Victor M. Parachin--read it & tell me what you think, if you dare! I will add what stood out for me below.  http://www.yourtango.com/2013188786/10-secrets-successful-couples 

Number one is to enjoy each other--HUGE!  The fact that both Xing Fu & I love to sail & see live music brings us together quite a bit.  And we enjoy talking to each other--finding out what each other thinks, what drives one another.  Even discussing articles such as this one--if I come across advice that I like, I send it on.  I think that it is very good to be able to reflect on what you do well as a couple & what needs improvement--the mere fact that Xing Fu is willing to discuss this stuff brings me to the next piece of advice that I liked:
Being in it for the long haul.  Yep, my last post was all about those folks who may be deluding themselves into thinking that they had a lasting relationship & starting to recognize why they do not.  This one is about what being in it for the long haul is all about.  Some folk out there make a commitment when they marry but in the back of their minds they think things like, "well, if it doesn't work, we can always get a divorce."  The irony of course is that both Xing Fu & I come from unsuccessful marriages.  But I think that our approach is very different this time around--we talk about it.  We don't run away.  We look for ways to improve & we reflect on what we do well & need to do better as I've stated above.  We try to follow the advice of the article on fighting skillfully, & learning to seek & offer forgiveness (very hard for both of us--we are quite hardheaded). 
I hope that we continue to work to try to fix things and grow together as we go.

The last pieces of advice that I want to remark on are the first, & what you might think is obvious, but is oftentimes forgotten--never stop dating each other.  Keep the romance in--I like that we go to hear music & make it into a "date night" with dinner too.  Or that every once in a while we take a weekend just for ourselves--when we went to Front Royal, Va to pick up the writing desk where I'm currently sitting & stayed at a lovely & very romantic B&B.  

And the last is called the 60/40 rule.  I'll allow the article to speak for itself.  This one is new to me & when I shared it with Xing Fu, we both thought that it was something to try in the future:

Successful couples adhere to the 60/40 rule. Boggs and Miller also discovered that "marriage masters" have a high level of selflessness. "Walter" whom they interviewed, told them, "I'll never forget what my mentor told my wife and me before we got married 42 years ago. He looked at us and said, 'Most people think marriage is 50/50. It's not. It's 60/40. You give 60. You take 40. And that goes for both of you." It was a principle Walter and his wife adhered to faithfully.

Xing Fu's interpretation is this, "When you think that you're giving 50% but things aren't resolving, you may need to give a little more." And be willing to do so when necessary.  We have a partnership & sometimes one partner needs to give more than the other--it will balance out in the end & it will also allow for growing together & deepening the intimacy rather than the sometimes adversarial face-off that can occur. This skill ain't easy but we're working on it--we never had a name for what we do, but this one makes sense.

There are other "secrets" in the article but I'll allow you to discover the rest.  I'm interested in any other thoughts people may have.  Let me know.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

The MRS Degree

I'm very bummed that I'm not sailing today & Xing Fu is--couldn't catch a ride for NASS so I'm relegated to a day at home wishing I were sailing...*SIGH*.  Needless to say, I am quite jealous & even the boats that I do sail with aren't even going out to practice so I'm land-locked.  Bleh.  So I've decided that a little blog post is in order, having very little to do with sailing other than the fact that Xing Fu & I met sailing.  And when we did, it was a very long time after we'd both left college.  OK--what am I getting to you may wonder.  Well, I'll tell ya'.  

A few weeks ago I came across an article in Slate magazine about a Princeton mom Susan Patton admonishing girls in college about "hooking up" & not seeking a husband.  When I first read it I was hit viscerally by the thought that we are returning to my mom's generation--go to college to pick up the MRS, not the BA or BS.  'Cuz that's what women back then did.  And my thought was--wow, glad my generation isn't like that, although there were plenty of my sorority sisters back in '89 who did--with huge ceremonies after our meetings when they were pinned, lavaliered, etc. Such still giving huge credence to the MRS culture in college.  But, even so, most of us left college without a husband or a prospect of one & went off to our "adult" lives to eventually marry someone.  And now, 24 years after I graduated from college, the "hook up" culture is where it's at.  And Ms. Patton feels that these college women are missing out on the good guys by not looking for a husband amongst the eligible men of Princeton.  And you know something?  I think she's spot on...sorta.  A lot of the advice was pretty offensive but I do think she has a point.  

Here's what I believe.  Yes, she's a snob because she is assuming that the elite intellectuals are only available at these schools.  Technically, although I didn't go to an Ivy League school, I did happen to go to one of the US News & World Report's top 15 schools so I do think that my alma mater counts. And, is everyone out there searching for the smart guys?  What's your first criteria for a potential keeper?  Actually, one of my top 10's was being smart.  So yeah, truth be told--I was looking for someone who could keep up with me intellectually.  There are a lot of other quite nearsighted statements on her part that I'm sure you can find out in the ether but I contend, looking back almost 25 years that mebbe I should have been a little more serious about who I dated in college than just playing around for 4 years because frankly, it took me almost 20 years to actually find the right guy. Some of you may find this just as offensive as Ms. Patton's statements, but in some ways I wasted a lot of time, caused my self some real hardships (divorce, eg.), & some serious heartache.  And, by my senior year of college I was living with a doozy.  Stoopid.  Inappropriate. And he was not my intellectual equal, plain & simple.  And I allowed him to make me less intellectual as a result.  Because, he was older & thereby an "adult" & I was not & I was easily influenced back then. So here's one flaw in Ms. Patton's logic--I was nowhere ready to be married at 23 right out of school.  But who says that you have to marry the guy you're dating right out of college?  You don't. But mebbe you can marry him a few years down the road.  That's more realistic.  And you met him in school.  Because really, the men at my college really were the most appropriate for me. There's a laundry list of qualifications that I could list but know, two of the biggest (in retrospect) were a certain level of intelligence & similar interests.  And what's wrong with that?  But here's the rub, I didn't understand that then. So Patton has motherly advice with 30+ years' worth of experience:

           " Here’s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I    went there.
I am the mother of two sons who are both Princetonians. My older son had the good judgment and great fortune to marry a classmate of his, but he could have married anyone. My younger son is a junior and the universe of women he can marry is limitless. Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent, less educated. It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition, if she is exceptionally pretty. Smart women can’t (shouldn’t) marry men who aren’t at least their intellectual equal. As Princeton women, we have almost priced ourselves out of the market. Simply put, there is a very limited population of men who are as smart or smarter than we are. And I say again—you will never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who are worthy of you."

"This concentration of men who are worthy of you".  Indeed.  Her message is to support these young women's futures--to help them realize that they are worth more than a "hook-up" or the "bad-boy", or "the cool-hipster dudes".  Flawed, because not everyone wants to marry, or for that matter, even marry a man. So she is speaking to a specific population--my younger self.   I spent how many years with unworthy men.  Of course I am happy to have a wonderful child with my ex-husband, but he was unworthy. It took me 20 some-odd years to find Xing Fu after the fact & when I review his worth--he is really my match and having gone to another top 15 school--well, there it is--chances are, we might have met had we gone to the same schools.  He is very bright & intellectually stimulating, we definitely have much in common with interests (sailing anyone?), & our values & backgrounds are very much the same.  That is what Ms. Patton means.  And she is right. In this day & age, the ability to meet men gets harder & harder as you age--at least the appropriate ones.  I think about my friend who has been struggling for years--she is a couple years younger than I am & keeps getting involved with the most inappropriate guysAll she wants is the guy for the rest of her life. As women age, the pool of eligible men diminishes.  Reference to Sex And The City: 

 "And, as you move from age box to age box and the contestants get fewer and fewer, are your chances of finding your soul mate less and less?"

 Yeah, it sucks & yeah, the pool gets smaller.  And yes, Ms. Patton is a snob--but you know what?  So am I & I make no apologies.  It is who I am & where I came from (elitist private girls' school) and there are lots of us snobs around--including where my son goes to high school.  And you know what?  Wouldn't change a thing because he will go to an elite school & get a top-notch education too.  Would I have written to The Princetonian?  No frickin' way!  But the girl's got balls....In fact, here's a good article that says just what I think too: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hard-get/201304/what-susan-patton-princeton-snob-gets-right

So, full circle.  It took me a really long time to find the right guy--Xing Fu.  And he is sailing--something that I desperately want to be doing right now instead of writing this post.  But just imagine if I'd met him when we were younger--he probably would have been the right guy for me then too.  But I'm one of the lucky ones--I did eventually find him.


Friday, January 18, 2013

My Facebook Date

This blog was dedicated originally to my dating life and every once in a while I return to its roots.  Recently I've become really into infographics--what a convenient way to put out information into the ether of the WWW.  And so I've researched a bunch of topics starting with being a blended family.  Crickets..... 

Well, what about Facebook? There is a treasure trove of stuff about social media & dating. So I let the infographic speak for itself.  Cool Stuff!


Monday, December 24, 2012

Watching From the Sidelines

It's actually come to this--who'd a thought it?  I'm sidelined watching my recently separated friend, K-Lily play the singles game!  Ah, grasshopper, we've come full circle!  How zen, how funny!  She sent me a text today asking for sex advice.... I'm flattered that she is seeking me out--I'm such a wanton hussy!  Or I guess that my earlier life as the mistress of 50 first dates assumes that I'd had a lot of sex....idk, but here I am the zen master with my own little grasshopper.  Just makes me giggle a bit.  And as she is regaling me about her new exploits with a guy she met online, I just have to sigh a little wistfully because I remember those times when my married friends sat transfixed by my very own exploits with the likes of the Bull...remember him? Her remark to me was the following, "Married sex wasn't as much fun!"  OK, there is something to said for that as I did have a lot of fun playing Samantha from SATC for a while but after having been on both sides of the fence I would disagree with her.  The excitement is certainly an aspect---but it does get tiresome. Yeah, case for the grass is always greener, etc., etc.  But given the choice, I like things just the way they are. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Intelligent Dating

Yesterday a friend of mine posted a link to this article on facebook entitled: 
If A Man Wants You by Salma Rumman.

Such truisms were never said better. In fact the first statement really says it all: "If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away".
How true.  I've read that all over the dating advice sites, books like He's Just Not That Into You, & Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, & just about any guy friend I quizzed.  The advice also applies beyond the man having finally decided that he wants you--it's also how he treats you & how you allow him to treat you.

As I looked at these statements & reviewed my dating life before Xing Fu & cringed a bit because I so recognized my behavior.  I allowed so many ill-mannered behaviors, but I think as one of my friends said, "Those guys were part of your transition team."  Yes, they were--because now I know & expect to be treated with respect & not make the excuses, & concessions for poor behavior.  I really hope that my friend who originally posted this article to facebook follows the advice & prepares herself for the great guy I know is out there for her & only her. And, I absolutely agree with the article that dating is fun--it most certainly can be, if you relax & let it.   I think I'll label this advice "Intelligent Dating".

I also loved this article for recognizing & reminding me about the great guy I have now--he sometimes infuriates me, confounds & confuses me, but he does seem to encompass most of what I am looking for--almost two years out, in my partner. And as the article states, "Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything you need."  So not an issue--woohoo!

But the best statement for the already committed (heh, committed=crazy?) is, "You should not be doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street."  Compromise, Communication, & Cuddling--the 3 C's.  YUP.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Boyfriend, Defined?

As my 3rd "Blogoversary" looms nearer, I often take some time to reflect how things have changed from year to year & of course this one is no different.  So as I have been thinking back & how when I first started this blog it was all about the myriad of frogs that I had kissed, was kissing, & was going to kiss, I fell across this article in the lofty rag, of all places, The New York Times.  Finding love can be frustrating, discouraging, interesting, & sometimes pretty fun, but it is difficult for all ages as this particular essay by Marguerite Fields shows.  It was published in 2008 (I wonder what has since happened to its author--has she found "the one"?)Anyway, it wants to target college students or recent entrants into the "adult" world, but I think it applies to all of us enchanted frog-seekers newly minted or not:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/04/fashion/04love.html?pagewanted=all 


 

Friday, December 3, 2010

Break-Up Days



Ever wonder why there seems to be an uptick in being dumped before the Christmas season?  Apparently, and now according to Facebook, it happens a lot.  And December 3rd-6th seem to be the peak days--so watch out!  The reasons I've found out seem fairly obvious.  You should break up early enough in December so you don't have to buy the other person a gift (of course, if you're Jewish & Hanukkah is early, then you're kinda stuck...).  Or be thrown into the middle of a bunch of holiday parties with someone you're not enjoying--and then perhaps go to parties alone & meet someone new.  It also makes sense to break up early enough in December because you have time to find a new date to the holiday parties.  Of course, the flip side is that if you break up then you have no date to kiss under the mistletoe. 

How about your soon to be ex's family events?  If you break up early enough in December then you are saved from having to mix it up with Uncle Mervin, who always seems to have something caught in his teeth.  

And of course, breaking up too close to Christmas is just too rude.  So if you've waited that long, now you're stuck through the New Year's midnight kiss.  Because it's just as rude to break up at the New Year too.  

So it makes sense that there'd be a spike in early December because lord knows if you wanna break up with someone & you have to wait until New Year's, you just may have to wait until the spring--who wants an empty bed through the long, cold winter months?  And then there's Valentine's Day...




Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Freaks, Geeks, and Economists--from Slate

Found this article on Slate & found it quite interesting.  I was thinking about the implications of this study on men & women in their 40's.  I also began thinking about the findings and what Lori Gottlieb had to say about Mr. Good Enough.  If there is a shortage of eligible men in my age bracket, according to the study, it would appear as though women would lower their expectations of men (cheating, and other behaviors, e.g.) in order to find a match.  That thought is echoed in many places, I believe even in Sex & The City.  "And, as you move from age box to age box and the contestants get fewer and fewer, are your chances of finding your soulmate less and less?" Are soulmates a reality, or a torture device?So, depending on the population ratios of male to female, in my age bracket it just appears that we women get the short of the stick & are willing to make compromises as a result.  Wow.  That's a tough pill to swallow. 

I am still reading the original study--there's more to this paper than just the shortages, but that was the first thing that jumped out at me--and yes, economics does play a role here--supply & demand for sure!


Freaks, Geeks, and Economists
A study confirms every suspicion you ever had about high-school dating.
By Annie Lowrey

Posted Monday, Nov. 15, 2010, at 3:42 PM ET


 In the Darwinian world of high-school dating, freshman girls and senior boys have the highest chances of successfully partnering up. Senior girls (too picky!) and freshman boys (pond scum!) have the least.
These are truisms known to anyone who has watched 10 minutes of a teen movie or spent 10 minutes in a high school cafeteria. Now, however, social scientists have examined them exhaustively and empirically. And they have found that for the most part, they're accurate. So are some other old prom-era chestnuts: Teen boys are primarily—obsessively?—interested in sex, whereas girls, no matter how boy-crazy, tend to focus on relationships. Young men frequently fib about their sexual experience, whereas young women tend to be more truthful. Once a student has sex, it becomes less of an issue in future relationships.
A recently released paper—called "Terms of Endearment," but don't hold its too-cute title against it—looked at how and when high-school students choose mates and their preferences when searching for a partner. Economists Peter Arcidiacono and Marjorie McElroy of Duke and Andrew Beauchamp of Boston College examined an enormous trove of data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, more commonly known as Add Health. The survey first queried adolescents, from seventh graders to high-school seniors, during the 1994-1995 school year and has followed up with them periodically.
The poll asked a broad range of questions about health and behavior—and the data set has become the basis of dozens of famed medical, sociological, and economic studies. (For instance, James Fowler of UC-San Diego recently used data from Add Health to find that there might be a genetic foundation for an individual's political beliefs.) For their paper, Arcidiacono, McElroy, and Beauchamp focused on the dating and sex lives of high schoolers—a subject much-analyzed by magazine editors and romantic-comedy screenwriters, but less familiar to social scientists.
What the researchers looked for is called, in academic-speak, "matching": the likelihood and factors that lead to any individual partnering up. (They looked only at opposite-sex relationships within the same school.) That's uncommon: Most academic studies on marriage and partner-matching use a technique called "assortative mating," which looks at pre-existing couples and defines the characteristics they do and do not have in common. (Humans tend to partner with mates that look and act like them. In real terms, that means couples with the same socioeconomic, racial, and religious background are common. In high-school terms, that means math nerds date math nerds, though members of the debate team may also qualify.)
Arcidiacono, McElroy, and Beauchamp used a "two-sided matching model," which looks at what an individual says he or she seeks in a partner as well as what he or she ends up getting. The idea is that men and women—jocks and dorks, freshman and seniors—base their search not only on the characteristics of their chosen partner, but also the expected terms of the relationship. For 30-year-olds, that might mean predicating a relationship on willingness to marry or have kids. For high schoolers, that might mean basing a relationship on, well, the bases.
Arcidiacono notes that there's a treasure trove of statistical data on the dating preferences, rather than pairings, of adults, due to dating sites like Match.com. Relatively little such data exists for teenagers, who mostly work the old-fashioned meet-someone-in-homeroom way. But in examining the Add Health data, he and his colleagues found one classic economic tenet driving the byzantine high-school dating market: Scarcity determines value. Among freshman boys, what's rare, and therefore valuable, are freshman girls willing to have a relationship and, even better, willing to have sex. Among senior girls, what's valuable and scarce are boys willing to have a relationship without having sex.
The researchers open the paper by citing a New York Times article on dating at the University of North Carolina, where for every three women there are only two men. One coed argues that the gender imbalance has engendered a culture where men routinely cheat on their female partners. "That's a thing that girls let slide, because you have to," the student explains. "If you don't let it slide, you don't have a boyfriend." Dating, in other words, is a market like any other, and market power is determined by the abundance of resources.
A tamer version of that observation is borne out in the economists' work among high schoolers. Unsurprisingly, the majority of high school boys want to have sex (though only 47.6 percent of freshmen boys do). Unsurprisingly, the majority of high school girls do not (though 50.1 percent of senior girls do). Over the course of four years, the power shifts from the freshman girls who don't want to have sex to the senior boys who do.
The conclusion? Though high-school girls don't really want to have sex, many more of them end up doing so in order to "match" with a high-school boy. For them, a relationship at some point becomes more important than purity. Because of that phenomenon, in schools with more boys than girls, the girls hold more cards and have less sex. Where there are more girls, the male preference for sex tends to win out.
Of course, all this raises a question that has long bedeviled scores of Y.A. novelists, not to mention millions of teenagers: In high school, how exactly does one define a "relationship"? Rather sweetly, the Add Health study considers two a pair when they hold hands, kiss, and say "I love you." (It seems to me this knocks most high-school relationships out of consideration, but the criteria are the criteria.) And when does that happen? Boys and girls in the same grade account for about 42 percent of relationships, while older boys dating younger girls make up 40 percent of high-school relationships, and older girls dating younger boys make up 18 percent.
And who does the high-school dating system disadvantage most, statistically? Senior girls, at least according to the skew between stated sexual preferences and actual sexual activity. Though that will undoubtedly come as cold comfort to those legions of lonely 14-year-old boys.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

And So It Goes....



I'm a bit amused when I think back on my experiences with dating--and boy, were there a lot.  The other day I happened on the "Dating in Smalltimore"  edition of Baltimore Magazine & reread what I'd said.  Since I'm now "officially off the market", that chapter of my life is somewhat over--strangely when I was dating the Bull, I didn't feel that way at all when I wrote(must have been something to do with that other woman...).  Now I definitely do and I'm thinking back on all those missed-the-mark guys & those very interesting first dates, & I think to myself that while it was certainly a fun time (uh-huh, right....), I don't miss it at all.  Xing Fu has remarked that he's very relieved that he isn't having to go through the "dating after divorce saga".  He claims that he wouldn't know what to do--my reply was that I was glad to be of service...but I think he'd manage just fine after a few outings (but I'm very happy that he isn't). 

Although a lot of the dudes I went out with are a blur, I sometimes wonder what happened to a few (Amsterdam, drop-in dude, ex-evangelical priest, drummer-boy, cameraman, to name but very few)of them.  Did they find their bashert?  Did they go back to their exes?  Did they follow their over-the-top texting behaviors for days on end & then disappear routines? Did they continue to look for the cookie-cutter woman who was just like their ex?  Did they continue to play those BS games that some tried with me? And what was it that I saw in them in the first place?  Why is it that Xing Fu fits so much better than anyone else (a very good thing)?  And funny that when we met last April, neither of us saw that (even if I did ask about him out of general curiosity).  It is wonderful that I find it so easy to be with him--things just flow & yeah, as I've said, we have our bumps, but they're not ever (so far) that bad.  Big, Cheesy, Grin...I am content & that searching is over....now the challenge shifts to not fucking it up(my mom says that to me--I told her to stop saying that).  

Now we shift from "Adventures in Dating" to "Adventures in Relationships".  Navigating these waters have been just as interesting and I'm learning so much here too--hopefully how to do it right this time, making sure the kid is in a good place (as best can be), and keeping the joy & humor intact.  And making sure to go sailing as much as possible (not sailing is a HUGE deal-breaker!)--no protest from Xing Fu there at all.

Ah, but soon the family descends upon us(a new chapter in "Adventures in Relationships").....eek!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Dating in "Smalltimore"


So I've finally made it! Or so it seems. Baltimore Magazine has an article accompanying this month's singles issue entitled "Don't I Know You?" in which I am featured. Link to come soon. Kinda fun to see my blog in print and some of my adventures out there for the Smalltimore world. I will link soon so stay tuned!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Emotionally Unavailable

"I'm in your movie & you're in mine. Two different films, really. We don't really know each other, we're just making a guess at knowing each other. Right? I think the same's true about love."
--Bored to Death Season 1, Episode 2


I've been circling around this concept recently of why I seem to be choosing the men that I do. I've alluded to this in past blog posts but I haven't given it full measure. All of them are emotionally unavailable for some reason or another & I haven't been able to put my finger on why I can't find one & only one that works at least 80% for me & only me (reference to the Bull here). Now, it could be as simple as the old abandonment game--you know the one--Daddy & Mommy got divorced, Daddy leaves family (in my case it was Mommy took kids & left Daddy), kiddos don't see Daddy in over a year--ABANDONMENT issues! Soooo, men=abandonment eventually; so why choose any that may not since they all will...Not so sure about this logic.

But, a run-down of them is as follows & why they aren't available.

Salad--too young--fun but NO way there's a future there & frankly I ain't interested.

Seamus--doesn't want anything more than a "friendship". He was honest from the start so I get what I get...

Sweet Mistakes--still dealing with divorce & its ramifications--we are in such separate spheres of existence. If I wait....but do I really wanna anymore?

Music Buddy--Soooo married. So far it's been purely platonic & I don't foresee it changing, which is fine--so not interested in that Karmic ass-kick. I think he's attracted to me because I may represent some piece of his life that he wishes he had--a certain exoticism perhaps...I don't know.

Those are on the current list--there are shifts here & there but these seem to be the more stable ones--heh..there are a few more who flit in & out--primarily flirtations with no real substance.

If I analyze all of these guys put together though an interesting idea formulates--if there was one guy who had all of their characteristics he'd actually be quite perfect....hey! Hadn't considered that!

Still, looking at them I still can't wrap my head around why I'm still choosing such WRONG guys. I always say I like the Bad Boys & the drama--my friend CFW, says that I get bored with the "safe & secure", which may be true, but not all of the men in that list are Bad Boys so where does that leave me? Still with nada, zip, zero. And yes, I know, some folk may say, "What the fuck are you complaining about? Look at all the fun you're having! And you still don't have to deal with any relationship bullshit!" Maybe I want to deal with the relationship bullshit--in fact, I hazard to say that some of my more happier moments were when I was dealing with the Bull-shit. So there it is....now what do I do about it & how do I resolve this?




Friday, October 23, 2009

Dating Purgatory?


Levels of Dating and the words to describe them are so awkward--especially when you are in your forties. One of my BFFs--CFW and I were chatting about my current status with SM. I say we're in dating purgatory. We're sorta beyond just dating because we see each other regularly, i.e., last night and plans for the future--seeing Eric Lindell, but it isn't a relationship yet either. It's the in-between time; the gray area. That brings up the inevitable question of how do you introduce someone to him? He's not my boyfriend & he's beyond a friend--awkward. And before you are in an official "relationship"--as I said--what exactly is that called? We're "dating"? Nope. "Friends with Benefits"? Nope. ????.....Especially if it's complicated, which in the case of SM, it is. In the interest of privacy I won't discuss why, but here I am again with a man & our relationship isn't straightforward---sigh. Hopefully soon it will be, but I am literally in purgatory currently. Maybe again the Universe taking pot-shots at me.

Equally difficult is the word "boyfriend". I am 40 plus years old--boyfriend doesn't seem to work--case in point--when I was with the Bull I felt it strange to say "This is my boyfriend D---". I often just said, "This is D---." I would tell people things like "the guy I'm seeing." And if you've read this blog or the archives, our relationship was never really clear cut so that added another level of awkwardness to the discussion.
So at forty plus we need a new term for a "boyfriend"--manfriend or middle-aged manfriend, maybe oldmanfriend?


OK, I've got it now. At a wine tasting I could say, "Hi. This is ----. We're in Purgatory." Heh--SM's my Purgatory Buddy!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Wedding Vows

"I don't mind a drop in." Huh? What?? I'm out with a guy on Saturday night & I think he's a pretty nice guy--& then this statement. I look at him, and I must've looked at him just a bit strangely because he clarifies. He says, "If you just want to come over to see me, you don't need to call, just come on over." Suuuurrrre, yyyyeaaahh, just been on a first date & thinking to myself: "Ok, not too bad, a little quirky, but he has potential." And then he says that. WTF???!!! If he drove by my house without calling that would be the end. If my parents "just drop by" that would be a problem. So, no. Do NOT drop by, do NOT pass go, do NOT collect a realationship with me--I'm a busy woman, living my life--I need to plan your visits. Bleh & double bleh--I felt like the man was already writing our wedding vows the way he'd planned out our lives already. And he was whiney because I couldn't fit him in next week--at all. Not even during the week--I HAVE PLANS--yeesh! Between my sports & another Thursday with SM (this seems to be becoming a regular thing...) & racing on Saturday, & Saturday night out with a friend (yep, a man) to listen to music, & the boat show on Sunday. And NO I do NOT want this guy to go with me & my kid. Dude, I am so not into possessiveness--unless I want it & believe me--not anytime soon with you...

OK--so yet again there are all these men & none are suitable--exhibit A described above, all the way to exhibit B--my sailing friend. Extremes, the lot of 'em. My neighbor, also a single woman, sighed & said at least I have a stable to choose from. My reply was--too bad they're old hacks--they can't make it out of the barn let alone making it out of the gate! My mom throws her 2 cents in--similar to a Sex & the City quote--that as I get older the pickins are slimmer so exhibit A may not be so bad....lord help me--

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

You're Not the One

I haven't written about the man who took me to Amsterdam. I've been mulling it over quite a lot because I want to be respectful to him while saying clearly that we weren't a good fit for dating. I really wish we were because it would make things so much easier. In other words I have some guilt over this....and won't whore myself. This trip was such a gift to me & I am grateful to him but... The first day after we arrived & had been wandering a bit, I told him that I wasn't going to lie to him but that I didn't see us dating. He told me that he figured it out. I was fairly tense up until that discussion. He said that he saw this as an opportunity to learn--that my being there was a good thing for him. I hope I was a good traveling companion--I think I was. He is a very nice guy, obviously, but he is a bit more straight-laced then I am. Who takes someone they just met on a trip to Europe???? I am one lucky gal. And he wasn't an axe murderer--just a great, nice guy to have fun with to reflect on a past theme. Different kind of fun. I made sure that our days were filled with activities--I could tell that he was really into me & I didn't want to encourage anything beyond friendship. He told me when we got home that he didn't regret a thing & that he would do it again just maybe not for a week--5 days max. I think I may set him up with my friend Aa--they'd be great together.

Mr. Trip told me that he knew knew something was up even when we first met. We had met at a wine bar & the other guy--the Sweet Mistakes one, was there. Mr. Trip said he could clearly read his body language & that it gave him away. I guess my body language didn't indicate my desire for the other man which was a good thing when first meeting someone. But still he offered this trip to me--he was hoping that something would develop with us. I did try--I did. But you just can't force these things & besides, I left a bad marriage because I didn't want to waste the rest of my life with the wrong person--why would I force something that doesn't work just because he took me on a trip. I will not settle--I can't. Every pot has a lid, to quote an oft-used phrase & I will find my lid without settling. It is just taking a looooong time.


Friday, July 31, 2009

Sweet Mistakes

And if you love the girl man,
light up a torch

Blaze a trail to her front porch

Kiss her til your lips are scorched

Til the rain comes down on you


Bless your sweet mistakes,
That crumble you down to your knees.

That brought you to this place
Changing you by degrees...
When change was just what you needed...
What you needed...

--Ellis Paul--Sweet Mistakes

Of course all shit breaks loose just before I leave for Amsterdam. Just when I'd begun to think it wasn't possible to actually meet a man outside of the contrived website dating extravaganza, I meet someone the old-fashioned way..through common interest--wine. We have been dancing around one another for about a year now. And last week when he saw me with another man (the one who's taking me to Amsterdam), he just couldn't leave it alone. He comes over for a visit & brings dinner from the place we both really like. I open a bottle of Pinot Noir---Soter 2005 from Oregon(yes I actually DO drink Oregon Pinots, believe it or not!). And well...no. not THAT. But we do discuss the attraction & he does ask me to wait a few weeks while he works some stuff out--bad break-up, etc. Here it is: the "knocks the wind out of me" feeling--the one I haven't felt since the bull. Both of our hearts racing, the line above: "kiss her til your lips are scorched." Wow.

And now, with the guy who is amazing enough to take me to Amsterdam, what now? He says he doesn't have expectations beyond companionship & adult conversation, but....he doesn't rock my world.... yet....I guess he might grow on me & I really MUST give him a chance. Dare I comment again; the nice guy. But my wine drinking friend is also a nice guy...with the edge I think I like...all I can say now is....WOW, what a ride!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Call me Crazy but....


you only live once! I'm leaving for Amsterdam in 8 days. It has been a dating blitz since my kid was deposited at camp (received the shortest letter--5 lines) and one of my dates ( a very nice father of 3) offered to take me to Amsterdam. Yes, I know it's crazy and I may be insane for accepting, but when will I have the opportunity to go on an all-expenses paid trip to Amsterdam again? Huh? Huh? Like NEVER!!! Therefore, against my mommy's warnings but with the blessings of my BFFs, my sis, and even my principal at my school, I am going. And yes, I do have rules that must be adhered to or I will not go. Rest assured that everyone & his brother will know where I am--laptop comes with--gotta blog next to the canal! OMG!! I can't believe I'm even considering....so anyone who thinks I'm certifiable--you may be right, but as I said, "you're only given one life--gotta dance!"

Another new date tonight--should be interesting--I'm quite sure that he won't be offering me a trip somewhere though--his car died so I'm driving. Never a dull one!

Racing this weekend--Corsica River & back--going on an old Triton--experienced crew & opportunity to learn other positions besides pit. I see a positive learning experience ahead. Sounds like a nice party as well but I don't anticipate drinking like I did when I was at Miles.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Circling Wagontrains


Well maybe not that many. But recently there have been a lot of guys hanging around me--not that it's a bad thing but none of them are remotely appropriate for various reasons. And it's SO frustrating as well. Of course I enjoy the attention but I am wondering about the "Look, but don't touch!" policy. I keep thinking it is a test--have I learned yet? Yes--and massively! I am not interested in anymore Karmic debt in my lovelife.

The breakdown of these men: the marrieds (no way! I am SOOO not interested in destroying other people's lives! Show me the separation docs & we'll talk.), the ones who don't know what they want or are a wee bit younger then I am, the rebounders, & the ones who are into me but are either: too neurotic or too blah (translation: too nice). Here we go again: frogs & no princes.

Yes, I have a spotted history regarding my past relationships (No comments from the peanut gallery--Sis, this means YOU) & I know that I must work out of the shadows into a clean bill of Karmic health--I hope this wagon circle brings it just a lil' bit closer....

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Anthropological Fish Study

Scene: Contrived on-line dating local party/meet n' greet for ages 35-50

Characters: Me & M, various tubby over 50 balding dudes, 1 decent-looking sailor, 2 or three other seemingly decent guys

Act One: I really didn't have any expectations & I wasn't too disappointed. We arrive a half hour too early & hang out at the restaurant bar. It appears that another guy was too early too & was sitting listening to our convo while we had a glass of wine. My friend was talking about my various activities & how she thought that was great & I was talking about hoping that meeting a man like the sociopath wasn't the best I could get. It just sucks that we had so much in common & enjoyed together & yet, so far, no other guy has come close. Maybe at least I will meet some cool sailing buddies with all my racing activities. But, I digress. So we were eyeing the guy at the bar & figured he was a bit odd but not that bad looking so we were hoping that the other guys would be at least on par with him. We decide to mosey on over to the party....my anthropological study begins.

Act Two: We walk in & are immediately assaulted by the number of pudgy obviously-older-than-50 year old guys. There really was only ONE guy I would be remotely interested in & as it turns out he was a sailor from Annapolis. He seems to zero in on the two of us as well & the three of us have a nice conversation with him. We can't decide which of us he liked, but as he really was the only guy of interest, we walk over to a table to talk. As soon as we get there, we are surrounded by about 4-5 other men. They are at least within the appropriate age but do nothing for us on sight. My friend says one of the guys grew on her though but he didn't ask for her number. He DID tell us that sailordude was a player though. Seems that a lot of the guys who were there go all the time. They all know each other & their business. Like which chickie has a crush on which dude & how he doesn't like her but has a crush on her friend. It wasn't really my scene & my friend & I decide to leave. Sailordude walks us outside but also didn't ask for either of our numbers. Ah well....at least I learned that that kind of social singles party just ain't for me....just a bit discouraged though==like I said, I truly hope that balding & pudgy isn't the best I can get....they're all game fish--throw 'em back!