Never Date a Non-Sailor & Other Truisms

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” – Friedrich Nietzsche



I agree with this statement wholeheartedly. Passionate love only lasts so long--it is the slogging through after the head-over-heals, feet never touching the ground ground feelings wear off that matters. Yes, "the slings & arrows of outrageous fortune" don't go away & how a couple deals with them together makes all the difference. Having the core of a deep friendship can make even the most difficult circumstances bearable. And true love is built on real friendship over time.

Having been through one failed marriage, I've come to the conclusion that my ex & I were at our best as friends. And at one time we were friends but I think we fooled ourselves into thinking that there was enough commonality in values, hobbies, interests to sustain us. There just wasn't. Xing Fu & I joke about the one dating rule that we adhere to: "Never date a non-sailor." We both did not follow that rule the first go 'round & look where it got us...We joke but I think there is a truth there. We met doing what we love--there isn't a day that goes by that sailing isn't mentioned. In fact, our house could be described as a shrine to sailing.  Sad, but true. All of our sailing friends love it...  But, that is our passion. I feel my happiest & most alive when I'm out there & what better than to share that with someone I love & who understands my need to be trimming the kite.  But this isn't a blog about sailing, really...ha! Who'm I kidding??  My point in all of this is that common interests, ahem, obsessions, (joking) are extremely important. I look at other sailing couples in our social circle & being out on the bay together seems to be very satisfying for them as well.  I know that when I was out in the dating scene, I decided to dive back into the sailing community for a big reason--I loved sailing & I really wanted to be with someone else who loved it as well (and my other passion of horseback riding has, like, zero men).  As I've talked about in much earlier posts, even if I didn't meet anyone, I was loving my hobby, er, obsession.  I also want to point out that even though sailing was what drew us together, that wasn't the only thing about our original friendship.  Actually, it was The Who. At least, that's what got us talking in the first place.  And our common interests are very important--we enjoy doing things together & building on the basis of our friendship. I think good marriages & LTRs are bound together by just enjoying being with your best friend.

Below is a little quiz thingy I found about knowing your spouse/significant other. Have you lost touch with these things? Yeah, some of them seem trivial but when I thought about it, I realized that these are the dailys--and adapt as needed--if your partner doesn't like movies that much, how about favorite books.  If you have lost touch--use this as a way to jump off & reach back out to reconnect.

• I can name my partner's best friends.
• I know what stresses my partner currently faces.
• I know the names of those who have been irritating my partner lately.
• I know some of my partner's life dreams.
• I am very familiar with my partner's religious beliefs.
• I can outline my partner's basic philosophy of life.
• I can list the relatives my partner likes least.
• I know my partner's favorite music.
• I can list my partner's favorite three movies.
• I know the most stressful thing that happened to my partner in childhood.
• I can list my partner's major aspirations.
• I know what my partner would do if he/she won a million dollars.
• I can relate in detail my first impressions of my partner.
• I ask my partner about his/her world periodically.
• I feel my partner knows me fairly well. 

Adapted from:  Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown. And from "Forever Families" http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/article.aspx?a=58

My Marriage Reality

An article has been circulating around the 'net recently--dare I say it--gone viral, entitled "Marriage isn't for You".  http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/  On first blush (heh), I quite liked ALL that was said--why wouldn't I?  It implied that the man should put his girl first, & everyone else for that matter, but I'm getting away from my train of thought....I do love the sentiment though.  The basic idea came from his dad who said, " I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”  Nice!  Who wouldn't want your man doing all he can for you??  But it won't work.  Evah!  Not to say to be all Debbie Downer, but let's be realistic here.  What man will willingly debase himself like that & be pussy-whipped for a woman?  I don't know too many of them....bet you don't either.  Instead, I like to think that marriage, or any serious long-term, committed relationship is a 60-40 proposition--otherwise known as the 60-40 rule.  I've talked about this before--sometimes you give 60% & your SO gives the 40.  And sometimes that is reversed--just depends on the situation & the partner's need at the time.  And, what I really take from this little incredibly loving statement to his wife, is that marriage really is hard work.  As the author Seth Adam Smith says, "It (his father's advice) went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one."   I agree 100% with that statement.  People will so easily cast aside their relationship & are unwilling often to do the hard work.  

So lo & behold, across the web comes the counter article: Why Man's 'Marriage Isn't For You' Essay Misses the Mark. http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/why-man-s--marriage-isn-t-for-you--essay-misses-the-mark-201042173.html  And I definitely agree with this excerpt:

According to Andrea Bonior, PhD, a Washington, D.C.-based licensed clinical psychologist, Smith's intention may be good, but his message is muddled. “People live crazy, hectic lives, so taking time to appreciate your partner and the commitment you made to each other is a positive thing,” she tells Yahoo Shine. “However, marriage is not just about one person's needs." Science substantiates that: One recent study conducted by Monmouth University found that couples who focus on their own personal growth, as opposed to their partner's, are more committed and enjoy longer marriages.

Reality check.  The rest of the article discusses what the consequences could be if the advice is taken literally--abusive spouse?  Do you bend over & take that or is there a time when enough is enough?  Mentally ill to the point of incapacitation?  Emotional abuse?  See where I'm going here?  I believe that Smith wrote the article for the marriages that face the daily slings & arrows....and being reminded of how important it is to love one another, & work through the issues is always a good thing.

In the end however, it is this little facebook thingy that I liked the most:

 An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

Relationship Trends 2011

So this time last year I wrote about trending break up days--apparently December 3rd-6th are big ones for those non-committers out there.  You know who you are--too cheap to buy a present which reads "LTR" all over it, too shallow too handle the parties where you have to introduce this person as your "girlfriend" or "boyfriend".  Yup, been there, done that.  So hurry up--if it's gonna happen, now's the week to do it!


I read a little meme on on MSN-glo about the relationship trends of 2011 by Natasha Burton.  See here:
http://glo.msn.com/relationships/relationship-trends-from-2011-7643.gallery

In particular I was reading that the trend for marriages is way down for the first time in America.  People are either waiting longer to wed or just deciding that marriage just isn't in the cards for them.  According to the glo article: "...the formality of marriage appears to be taking a backseat to simply creating a happy, stable relationship."  Interesting for me to read as a lot of people ask me whether or not Xing Fu & I will tie that knot.  Well, I think both of us would say, "Been there, done that" & that we follow the trend of "creating that happy, stable relationship."  

Further findings have been the effects of fatherhood.  In fact scientists have found this year how much becoming a father does change the man.  Funny, when my ex & I had my kid, I really didn't see too much change--he was just as irresponsible as he was before kid.  One of the qualities that draws me to Xing Fu is his responsibility to his children & just how great a father he is.  


The other interesting "trends" are lower divorce rates but increased use of cheating sites like AshleyMadison--so because of the economic downturn more folk are staying together but then more folk are looking for satisfaction outside of their marriages to compensate for their lack of marital bliss.  I get it, in fact one of my old "beaus" has in fact decided that he can't afford to divorce & he & his wife are co-habitating.  And perhaps all of these unhappily marrieds are sexting their hook-ups--yes, another trend that has seen an uptick.


As 2011 moves into the history books remember the last trend: that if you missed getting married on 11-11-11, you can become the new trend for 12-12-12.

Husband, Please!

Life certainly has a way of throwing curve balls (for those of you celebrating Opening Day)!  It has been a very interesting few days.  I think I will need to rename my blog now because an elopement has occurred & I can no longer say "Baltimore single mom's forays into dating" now, can I?  Yep, Xing Fu will now be referred to DH...boy this guy's name has gone through a lot of incarnations(Music Buddy, Xing Fu, DH).  Surprise!!  Could I possibly say no? 

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." - Zora Neale Hurston 

Book Club

As I am often waiting for my kid at certain times: guitar lesson, math tutoring, soccer games, etc., I have been reading books.  I am a vociferous reader but don't always have large blocks of time anymore to enjoy a good book.  So those little snippets of time have been nice & now, as the weather gets warmer, & the sunlight is longer, it will be especially wonderful to get outside & read.  But this really isn't a post about my enjoying a good book, it's really about how these books have called to me recently in some of the passages--how they are so appropriate in parallel to parts of my own life.  Right now I am reading a book entitled Between Here and April by Deborah Copaken Kogan. I was struck by the following truth found in this passage:

"Marriage is the one institution I know that doesn't require preparation for matriculation. There are no essays asking us to predict the number of children we will have, if any, and who will take them to the hospital if they bleed.  There are no multiple-choice tests forcing us to envisage how our financial partnership might look, or late-night field trips to love's inner sanctums (which from syntax alone--master bedroom--reveals a lot) to witness sexual politics in action.  There are no textbooks offering tips on what to do when the baby is sick, the sitter's on vacation, and both spouses are on deadline; no four-page syllabi containing his-and-her primary source material.

 In fact, the only primary source material we're given comes from the most unreliable of sources possible: our own parents.  No wonder half of us flunk out."

On first glance I guess it looks a bit depressing, but I think it just points out that keeping a relationship positive & moving in the right direction takes work.  That we need to be aware of the pitfalls & try to remember why we fell in love in the first place. And the fervent wish that there was a manual to make it work.  And perhaps the recognition that it can work & be wonderful--even if it takes another attempt, or two, or three...  *I always add the caveat that it needn't be a marriage--any LTR or relationship for that matter counts here.  

Anyway, the book has far more to it than the main character's marriage--there's a bit of a murder mystery as well & an exploration of postpartum depression & pms before such things existed--women's health issues.  It is a good book thus far.

http://www.amazon.com/Between-April-Deborah-Copaken-Kogan/dp/1565125622


"Life's full of irony, bubelah.  Haven't you learned that by now?"

deep down true

"I did good," Morgan said, "up till the vows.  Up till the  'death do us part' part.  And I thought, 'He said this same thing to Mom, and he didn't mean it.  How come anyone believes him now?'"

   "He did mean it."

   "Yeah, right," she snorted.  "And look where that got us."

   "Morgan, I'm not going to start defending your father," Dana said quietly. "But I was there 15 years ago when he said it the first time, and I know he meant it.  He had every intention, and so did I.  But sometimes the best of intentions just don't work out.  A lot of times they do, but sometimes they don't."

From deep down true by Juliette Fay

Just finished reading this book & I was quite taken by the above excerpt.  It made me think about when my own folks got divorced. One minute we were this intact family & the next minute, that was blown to bits.  It was pretty tough especially when both my parents were with different people & not each other--children have a hard time with having to give up the idea that their parents won't be "happily ever after."  So when I read this--I was transported back to the day when my dad got remarried & how hard that was for me.  I'm on the other side of that now & I guess I'd kinda forgotten what that was like.  And even though my kid has had a few years to adjust to the idea of mom & dad not together (and thankfully he wasn't at my ex's wedding), I know that it was hard for him to accept someone not his mom at times & not his dad with me.  So why am I talking about all of this?  Well, recently I've been writing about how Xing Fu & I are blending our families together more & more and how well it's been going.  And it has.  I spent Friday evening with him & his kids (my own kid was at his best friend's house) and we had a very nice evening.  

But I guess my message here is to our kids:  I know what it's like to all of a sudden see your parents kiss another person who is not your mom or dad, even if you rarely or ever saw your parents kiss in the first place (extreme unhappiness in a marriage tends to kill those things & kids don't necessarily see the whole picture).  I remember thinking similar thoughts about my dad like the excerpt above.  And the mom's response from the story above is very true--sometimes it is happily ever after & when moms & dads say it the first time they really do mean it.  I know I had the best of intentions when my ex & I first said "I do."  I fought to hold on to our marriage tooth & nail because I didn't want to end up like my parents--but I couldn't anymore & still be me--I hated who I was in my marriage & I knew that I couldn't be in it anymore.  I think if you asked my son if he wishes his mom & dad were back together his initial response would be yes, because everyone wants their parents together.  But very quickly after he thought a minute he'd probably say "No Way!" And then proceed to tell how much easier it is to live with one very happy parent then two who appear to hate each other & never spoke a positive or happy word to each other in his presence anyway--what kind of modeling for positive adult relationships is that?  Now what he sees are two adults who obviously care very deeply for & are very happy with one another--and that's the kind of relationship I want him to model when he gets married.  So yeah, I do have some regret & now it's very fleeting, but I think that the choice I made was definitely for the best, even if at first it is harder on the kids.  Deep down true.*

*Here's a link if you want to buy the book--I highly recommend it:
http://www.amazon.com/Deep-Down-True-Juliette-Fay/dp/014311851X

Groundhog's Day

On Groundhog's Day my mom & dad celebrated their 33rd anniversary.  (Yeah, dad is stepfather but he essentially raised us so he's more like my dad in everything except blood.)  But that's not what this post's about.  On that day I asked my mom about their longevity.  I asked her if there was one thing she could say that contributed most to the success of her marriage what would it be?  Her response did not surprise me...in fact, a lot of what I've been reading lately about successful relationships (marriages), has what she said and it is stated rather prominently in these articles.  She said that she & dad share most activities together--they love to do the same things: sailing, traveling, golf, etc.  That their level of energy is very similar.  And it's true--when I think back over the years, mom & dad have always been together doing something.  The doing together.  In fact, my mom had great role models too--my grandparents who were married forever (72 years!), did everything together as well.  I'm pretty sure that my grandmother was not quite the fan of sailing as my very obsessed grandfather was (hmmm..I wonder where I got that gene?), but almost every weekend until she wasn't able, she was out there with him on the Chesapeake, often sitting, baking in the no-wind doldrums of a bay summer, dishing out a full-course luncheon.  Or golfing, or traveling, or the many other activities that they did well into their 80s--together.  They saw the world together--made sure that their grandchildren learned to want to try new things & took us everywhere--but usually it was the both of them--

I think that's rare now & perhaps that's why many folks have that disconnect after a while--they begin to lead very separate lives.  One goes & sits on the sofa watching TV when the other wants to go out & go to see music--and so the pattern begins.  The destruction of the partnership--the separation. Of course having children creates a way different paradigm but after the kids are old enough to have their own friends & arrange their own "play dates", well, then you have one another again.  Do you embrace it or are your lives so separate that you can't retrieve the togetherness anymore?  

My ex-husband & I were completely different--he, so NOT a sailor, loved to be on the computer ALL OF THE TIME & me, I just wanted to be out in the world--disconnect.  At first I enjoyed playing computer games with him but then my true nature took over--I wanted to be out in the mix of the world not sitting & watching it go by while playing computer games or chatting online with people thousands of miles away that I'd probably never meet in person.  It just never got any better & we could not retrieve our togetherness & after a while we just didn't try anymore.  I think that happens a lot--we didn't really share the same activities when we got down to it.  All I wanted to do was get out & sail as much as possible & he had NO interest in anything water-related--even the beach held little excitement for him.  When the family would go to the beach, we all have a collective mental image of him sitting in the living room with his feet propped on the coffee table, reading a magazine for most of the time while we went off to the beach or walk in the town, or go to any other number of activities.  For someone else, I assume his current wife, it is OK, for me, no way & thus contributed to the downfall of our relationship.

Yeah, you don't do everything together--my BFFs' husbands join us occasionally for a wine tasting, & they certainly do not go shopping with us, but many, many other activities are done together.   I look at my friend's marriages & I also see them doing activities together--having been married for almost 20 years--and their's are successful as well.  There are the bumps to be sure, but, they are out there--skiing, seeing music, camping, whatever--but it is together. 

Ok, so what this all boils down to is of course how it relates to the relationship that I'm building--where do we sit on this?  I have mentioned before that Xing Fu & I have a lot in common--we both love being out & about--last weekend seeing Dr. Dog at the 9:30 Club & enjoying Ethiopian at Etete right before the show, case in point.  But one of the biggies, one that a friend of ours once said & I've been saying for a while myself is "Never date a non-sailor."  We spend our summers sailing and our winters thinking & talking about it.  It is part of that common ground--the activities that we do & what we love to do together--I think that bodes well for our future, together.