Hold It In

Jump into that water and see for yourself
Take a deep breath and hold it in
Hold it in
She's got a secret
And she wants to tell
But I made a promise to hold it in
Hold it in

Hold It In--Jukebox The Ghost

It has been a while since my last post--mebbe that's a good thing--it means that I've been living my life with its ups & downs & generally having more ups than downs.  There have been a few--downs--like the continuing struggle with the youngest skid who really makes it hard to like her.  And instead of venting my spleen here, I went to a step mother discussion board sponsored by StepMom Magazine http://www.stepmommag.com/ & got some good advice. Like the song from above--I do a lot of holding it in as a step mom.  I find it hard to admit that there are many times that when the SDs don't come over for whatever reason, I'm way happier.  It makes life much easier.  Saying that made me feel that I was a bad person--also being done with them on Sunday mornings--wishing that the weekend was over & they were going home.  It's not that I don't want them around or that I don't like them, it's just that it is very hard to maintain an unruffled & pleasant appearance--very stressful.  They cannot seem to handle that I have emotions too--that sometimes I get angry & slam a door or yell.  So every other weekend I'm on eggshells.  And the youngest doesn't make it easy as I said--the whole one step forward, two steps back kinda' thing, so that's why I sought advice because I was really at my wit's end.  Here's what one woman had to say:
 
I think a lot of times "I don't like her" really means "I don't like that my life is changing and my dad is changing so I am going to try to change it back to the way it used to be." Unfortunately, this usually plays out as an issue with the woman who walked into the situation, wondering what she possibly got herself into. It's easier to blame the new person because "those issues were not there before."
Give space and take space. There is no rush. You do not have to like each other, just treat each other with common courtesy. At some point your BF will have to take your side and stand up for you. It is not easy for them to do.

That was very helpful because it reminded me that it does take time & we're still new at this--and there will be setbacks.  Another woman had this to say:

I think one thing to remember is all that you are feeling is normal. The fact that you enjoy your time without the stress of having the girls there. That's normal! The fact you want to send them back to their BM when you've had enough -- normal! And it's also normal for the kids to have wishful thinking that their parents will get back together or that they will have their father to themselves when they choose to be around him. All normal.

Reading the responses on the forum really helped me--I have come to realize that sometimes I must have "a grin & bear it, slap a smile on my face" attitude when I am being pushed around & hope that I can contain my own emotions without losing it & saying what I'm really thinking.  I do that a lot when the skids are around.  This step parent gig really is one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I know Xing Fu is worth the effort but sometimes it ain't easy being green.  

But I end on a positive note--a good encounter--this past weekend my "M-I-L" was in town with the stepdaughters here too.  Never easy but I decided to do my thing with my besties & go wine tasting--definitely needed--I took some space for myself--something else that was recommended by other step moms.  And then I took my DS (Dear Son) & the middle SD to a sold out  Jukebox The Ghost concert at the Ottobar.  The three of us had a great time--all of the bands were great--first was the Lighthouse and the Whaler, then Matt Pond, & then JBTG.  I was happy to take them & I think it went a long way in building a positive relationship with the middle SD. So I know it can happen--at some point mebbe I can have a positive relationship with the youngest SD like that.  I don't know, but I keep working at it--like going to a basketball game when I'd much prefer to be out with the BFFs more, etc.  Time, Time, Time.....

Second Generation Stepmom

I have been writing a lot recently about being a new stepmom & I’ve mentioned in the past, that I too, had a stepmom or two, actually.  I’d like to think that I have an idea about what it’s like to be a step-daughter & now I have understanding of being the step-parent as well.  But, it is so funny that being a step-anything never seems to go away—even after 20 + years!  Here’s a story about being an adult step-daughter & how relationships don’t seem to change.  

Back then:

So my dad remarried a woman only 9 years older than me when I was 12.  I’ll call her the Evil Queen or EQ (she was/is very beautiful, but oh, so COLD-hearted—like the queen in Snow White) & I’m not trying to perpetuate the myth of the wicked stepmom either—she just fit the caricature so well. She was not a very good stepmom (I really hope I’m better at it)—I’ve said that before & the trend continues—even after my dad is long gone from this earth—more on that in a bit. She was my first step-mom. My dad & she had a son (19 years my junior)--& then they got divorced.  I gotta say that after attempting to build a relationship with her & having a brother too, it makes it really hard when things go south on a second marriage.  But, then my dad married a third woman & this time, she & I seemed to have a very positive step-mom/daughter relationship.  I was an adult by then with a child of my own so maybe that had something to do with it, idk.  Let’s call her Miss S.  Then my dad died & left no will.  This is where things get icky.  My dad & Miss S were living together but EQ had a key for her then teenaged son.  She went in & took a bunch of stuff from the house—she claimed that it was for my brother’s future since he should have all of our father’s things.   OK, what are my sister & I, no longer our father’s children since the birth of the brother??  Don’t we have claim to our father’s things as well so that we have things to remember him by?  Apparently not, according to EQ.  But, Miss S called me & told me that I should come to my dad’s place immediately & take the things that I wanted before EQ came back & cleaned it all out.  Mind you, my dad lived 80 miles away & I had to take off work & hi-tail it up there.  Miss S was an angel though, because I was able to get some things that were big reminders of my life growing up with my dad, namely some furniture that actually belonged to my mom first.  What I didn’t get was an old Seth Thomas time-clock that belonged to my grandfather—my mom’s dad.  Because when EQ caught wind that I was up there gathering things, she stormed into the house & screamed at me to stop immediately—I was young, this being almost 15 years ago, & was very cowed by her threats.  

Cut to today:

My Mom will be 70 next month & she mentioned to my sister & me that the one thing that she really wanted was her dad’s factory clock back from EQ (who claims she’s saving it for our brother).  Why my brother wants an old clock is beyond me & it really doesn’t belong to either of them anyway.  So my sister called EQ to see if it were possible to have/buy the clock.  She offered a lot more than the thing is worth too.  But the response, even after almost 15 years was, “No. Your brother needs to have something to remember his father by.”  Um, my brother is an adult now!  If he wanted the DAMN clock, he would have it!!  She wants the clock—which is not hers! And he (she) has plenty of stuff (which isn’t his/hers) to remember our father by!!  So as stepmothers go—even after so many years, she still is mean & petty.   I just don’t get it—why is it so important?  We are linked forever by my father, who is long in the ground.  My mom is going to be 70 for god’s sake!  Let her have something of her beloved father’s.  He was very loved by all of us too—and deeply missed.  I guess that I expect that people will figure out that it is better to forge better bonds with one another than to continue old patterns of behavior & interaction—that is my plan for my step-daughters—continue to work hard to form a better bond with them.  Mebbe my expectations are too high.  I hope not.  Come on EQ & bro—do the right thing!  Karma’s a bitch afterall!