Second Generation Stepmom

I have been writing a lot recently about being a new stepmom & I’ve mentioned in the past, that I too, had a stepmom or two, actually.  I’d like to think that I have an idea about what it’s like to be a step-daughter & now I have understanding of being the step-parent as well.  But, it is so funny that being a step-anything never seems to go away—even after 20 + years!  Here’s a story about being an adult step-daughter & how relationships don’t seem to change.  

Back then:

So my dad remarried a woman only 9 years older than me when I was 12.  I’ll call her the Evil Queen or EQ (she was/is very beautiful, but oh, so COLD-hearted—like the queen in Snow White) & I’m not trying to perpetuate the myth of the wicked stepmom either—she just fit the caricature so well. She was not a very good stepmom (I really hope I’m better at it)—I’ve said that before & the trend continues—even after my dad is long gone from this earth—more on that in a bit. She was my first step-mom. My dad & she had a son (19 years my junior)--& then they got divorced.  I gotta say that after attempting to build a relationship with her & having a brother too, it makes it really hard when things go south on a second marriage.  But, then my dad married a third woman & this time, she & I seemed to have a very positive step-mom/daughter relationship.  I was an adult by then with a child of my own so maybe that had something to do with it, idk.  Let’s call her Miss S.  Then my dad died & left no will.  This is where things get icky.  My dad & Miss S were living together but EQ had a key for her then teenaged son.  She went in & took a bunch of stuff from the house—she claimed that it was for my brother’s future since he should have all of our father’s things.   OK, what are my sister & I, no longer our father’s children since the birth of the brother??  Don’t we have claim to our father’s things as well so that we have things to remember him by?  Apparently not, according to EQ.  But, Miss S called me & told me that I should come to my dad’s place immediately & take the things that I wanted before EQ came back & cleaned it all out.  Mind you, my dad lived 80 miles away & I had to take off work & hi-tail it up there.  Miss S was an angel though, because I was able to get some things that were big reminders of my life growing up with my dad, namely some furniture that actually belonged to my mom first.  What I didn’t get was an old Seth Thomas time-clock that belonged to my grandfather—my mom’s dad.  Because when EQ caught wind that I was up there gathering things, she stormed into the house & screamed at me to stop immediately—I was young, this being almost 15 years ago, & was very cowed by her threats.  

Cut to today:

My Mom will be 70 next month & she mentioned to my sister & me that the one thing that she really wanted was her dad’s factory clock back from EQ (who claims she’s saving it for our brother).  Why my brother wants an old clock is beyond me & it really doesn’t belong to either of them anyway.  So my sister called EQ to see if it were possible to have/buy the clock.  She offered a lot more than the thing is worth too.  But the response, even after almost 15 years was, “No. Your brother needs to have something to remember his father by.”  Um, my brother is an adult now!  If he wanted the DAMN clock, he would have it!!  She wants the clock—which is not hers! And he (she) has plenty of stuff (which isn’t his/hers) to remember our father by!!  So as stepmothers go—even after so many years, she still is mean & petty.   I just don’t get it—why is it so important?  We are linked forever by my father, who is long in the ground.  My mom is going to be 70 for god’s sake!  Let her have something of her beloved father’s.  He was very loved by all of us too—and deeply missed.  I guess that I expect that people will figure out that it is better to forge better bonds with one another than to continue old patterns of behavior & interaction—that is my plan for my step-daughters—continue to work hard to form a better bond with them.  Mebbe my expectations are too high.  I hope not.  Come on EQ & bro—do the right thing!  Karma’s a bitch afterall!

So Long 2011

Where did 2011 go???  It seemed to go by in a flicker & again like 2010, it was a good one--more laughter less tears & all that stuff.  And it reconfirms my opinion about Karma.  

Yesterday, Xing Fu & I took his kids to the American Visionary Arts Museum--awesome museum if you haven't gone.  http://www.avam.org/
One of the exhibits was about all things round--which includes karma. Which got me thinking--I used to write quite a bit about karma & ridding myself of my history of negative karma especially with men. I have always been very conscious of my past decisions & all the time I was dating the 50 firsts I always wondered when that karmic wheel would turn in my favor. And now, on the precipice of our second year together, I can say that good karma is following me & Xing Fu as we plan our very important next step together.  It is at the end of another good year, that I remind myself to give thanks to the universe for all the positive karma that has continued to flow in my direction.  It has been a very good year full of great friends, family, & historic moments out on the bay & I'm looking forward to the next chapter in 2012.

I hope everyone has a very happy & safe New Year!  See you in 2012!

 

Another Great Weekend

We tend to write this in an email after every weekend we spend together--obviously a very good thing but it brings me to the idea of appreciation.  I ran across a little snippet about strengthening your relationship with your significant other.  It read:

Get In Your Head

To be happy with your husband, you may have to re-train your brain, says Achor. For 21 days in a row, write down one new thing you're grateful for about your husband. "Research shows that by the end of those three weeks, you will have taught your brain to be more appreciative and loving toward your mate," she says.

We already to this to some degree is what I wrote in an email this morning.  Even if Xing Fu tries to drown me, or knock me out with the boom, he does not blow off the little advice blurbs I send him.  He treats them with respect & recognizes how much we both work to keep our relationship a strong & healthy one.  To that end I certainly appreciate the effort we both put forth--it shows a deep commitment to each other.  And we're going to give it a try without being redundant.  My first one: 

I appreciate that you treat these little relationship advice snippets that I find & send seriously & not just "humor" me.

And I wonder, looking at the recent failure of a relationship that an acquaintance of mine had blow up in her face, if we're the lucky ones.  Of course, she had it coming--hatred spewing people cannot find others who will find them positive, loving people--if you hate, you will see Karma come right back atcha'--how can you have a loving relationship with anyone when you exude such anger & negativity?

I also like to think that for the most part my friends' relationships & marriages are also ones that show deep appreciation--they seem to--this weekend demonstrated that as we all descended on BFF(J)'s house on the water for an impromptu BBQ--

What a Difference

A year makes.  

Last March....was hell right from the beginning.  We received the only real snow of the year that second of March & that was the day I shoveled my entire lot plus my neighbor's because I was just so pissed.  That was the day that at long last my time with the Bull came to an abrupt & needed end.  Looking back on that relationship I can see what not to tolerate.  But because it was my first long-term relationship after my marriage I didn't understand that I deserved to be treated waaaay better.  I get it now...and thanks to the Bull for that--yup, I am thanking him for getting out of the way.  Did he break my heart?  Yesterday Xing Fu asked me this question.  I paused for a while to give it some thought....my answer was that I wasn't sure, perhaps.  I think I truly believed I was in love with him but....even from the start I knew that I never saw a future with the Bull as much as I really wanted to---so I always held a part of me back.  So, in answer, no...not heartbroken--just a bit battered & bruised....

The universe works in funny ways...I sit here happily a year later knowing full well that all of that angst has paved the way for I what I truly believe is right.  And am I holding anything back?  Nope, no way!  The level of respect is front & center...I am treated like gold.  When the Bull claimed last year that he "Got me", all I can say now is "Yeah!  Right! What a raft of...."  Getting me is who's got me now...sometimes a little freaky how close we are; but always wonderful.  Karma.

Massively Busy

This weekend was a whirlwind of massive proportions--I don't think I checked Facebook or any other emails the entire weekend--just so much going on--I even meant to blog a little but just never got to it.  Being back at TKD is wonderful!  I am sore but I am just so happy to be back on the mat...feels like coming home.  That was Friday night.  Saturday brought the annual Bowing Ceremony--for some reason this year there were a lot of tears--it was very moving.  Both my son & I received a rare hug from our Grandmaster, which was very nice--a good feeling going into my son's Demo Team performance today.  I am always grateful to be part of this group of people--TKD isn't just a sport--it's a caring & supportive community--

Prior to the Bowing Ceremony it was the obligatory Wine Tasting with the best friends, although this time Xing Fu joined us.  This was also the first time BFF(A) met him so another test of a sort.  Also, since SM was also there, it was kind of a slightly awkward moment as I watched for reactions from both guys--they both knew of the other's existence--but in this case most of my attention was where it needed to be (of course the wine!) but mostly on Xing Fu.  My BFF(J) said that SM seemed a little like a lost puppy...not so sure about that, but what can I say?  Missed opportunity.  


Saturday evening Xing Fu & I had some fun music plans....the rescheduled Alex Gray Winter Solstice Festival.  No longer Winter Solstice but it was cool just the same.   A great local band, Telesma, with all types of musical instruments, including a didgeridoo,  played some intense music  while Alex Grey & his wife Allison painted original works.  Amazing talent was on serious display--super show & a lot of fun.

 After the concert Xing Fu & I found ourselves talking until 4 in the morning--we always have so much to say to each other & just laughing--he is so easy to be with--I always enjoy our time together--again I say, I am a lucky gal!  Even now as I write, I have a huge grin on my face...

Today was my son's Demo Team--they kicked ass!  I was so proud of the team--synchronized to the max--just awesome!  

Later dinner with Xing Fu & then home to wrap the weekend--it was massive--I was surrounded by the people I care about & am grateful for--again, lucky, lucky, lucky...Karma can be a very good thing!

Corsica River Race

I had a great time on this race. I was on an old Trident from 1964 called Sea Deuce. Very nice people own this boat & they gave me an opportunity to do pretty much whatever I wanted to do: from flying the chute to being on the main sheet. I also took the helm for a while--great experience. I have been so lucky that everyone I've been crewing with have been so great--from my regular Wednesday night folk to my off-shore J-42 crew, the First people who will be back for fall series races, the Catalina 27 fleet & now the Tritons. These racing experiences have all been diverse but all super ways to learn & become a better sailor--I thank everyone!

The one-designs are cool because whoever crosses the line first is the winner--no PHRF time issues. The downside is that the one-designs tend to be at the back of the fleet--the last boats to come in. I couldn't get a t-shirt for this race because they were gone by the time we got to shore. But I did meet a bunch of folk from the sport-boat single day regatta youth fleet (Lasers, Optis, Penguins, Comets, etc.) from Baltimore County--just what I needed to find for my son. After this summer in NC, I really want him to focus on his racing--this is a travel team with coaches & everything--such a great opportunity to hone his racing skills for the future.

Dinner was a traditional Eastern Shore summer feast: bbq chickens, fresh white corn, garden tomatoes with Balsamic, potato salad & watermelon. There was a great bluegrass band & until the storms rolled in, it was great fun. I looked up & saw the sky & I knew I needed to get back out to the boat pronto--there was no docking like at Miles--everybody rafted up with their friends or fleet--the Tritons together, the Cals, etc., & there were skiffs to bring everyone back & forth. So I catch a ride & the river starts whipping up into a frenzy--I got soaked. The three Tritons were under motor in case the anchors stopped holding & we needed to move fast. I climbed aboard & watched the light show all around--spectacular.
The picture above is from the morning--crabbers were out, it was calm, & seemed rather idyllic. But we needed to get going for our 10:20 gun. Another fun race back & I must say I truly enjoyed the experience--thanks to the folk on Sea Deuce--you are quality folk!


That morning I checked my emails via phone to learn that I was in fact racing in the Governor's Cup. Big race--70 miles overnight from Annapolis to St. Mary's City--new Governor's seat to the old Governor's seat. Very exciting but runs smack into my trip to Amsterdam. I had committed prior to the trip opportunity so we may have to leave one day later--no worries. Over the next few days I have to prepare for two big events: Gov Cup & Amsterdam--both in less than a week. Gov Cup: off-shore self-inflating life jacket with embedded harness, MOB light, flares, dye, whistle--night racing is no joke. Amsterdam--clothes, passport & drivers' lisense copied, keys made, etc., etc...but I am very excited for both--again, if I were in a serious relationship I most probably would be unable to have the adventures I'm having--I think Karma can be a wonderful thing....

Circling Wagontrains

Well maybe not that many. But recently there have been a lot of guys hanging around me--not that it's a bad thing but none of them are remotely appropriate for various reasons. And it's SO frustrating as well. Of course I enjoy the attention but I am wondering about the "Look, but don't touch!" policy. I keep thinking it is a test--have I learned yet? Yes--and massively! I am not interested in anymore Karmic debt in my lovelife.

The breakdown of these men: the marrieds (no way! I am SOOO not interested in destroying other people's lives! Show me the separation docs & we'll talk.), the ones who don't know what they want or are a wee bit younger then I am, the rebounders, & the ones who are into me but are either: too neurotic or too blah (translation: too nice). Here we go again: frogs & no princes.

Yes, I have a spotted history regarding my past relationships (No comments from the peanut gallery--Sis, this means YOU) & I know that I must work out of the shadows into a clean bill of Karmic health--I hope this wagon circle brings it just a lil' bit closer....