Hold It In

Jump into that water and see for yourself
Take a deep breath and hold it in
Hold it in
She's got a secret
And she wants to tell
But I made a promise to hold it in
Hold it in

Hold It In--Jukebox The Ghost

It has been a while since my last post--mebbe that's a good thing--it means that I've been living my life with its ups & downs & generally having more ups than downs.  There have been a few--downs--like the continuing struggle with the youngest skid who really makes it hard to like her.  And instead of venting my spleen here, I went to a step mother discussion board sponsored by StepMom Magazine http://www.stepmommag.com/ & got some good advice. Like the song from above--I do a lot of holding it in as a step mom.  I find it hard to admit that there are many times that when the SDs don't come over for whatever reason, I'm way happier.  It makes life much easier.  Saying that made me feel that I was a bad person--also being done with them on Sunday mornings--wishing that the weekend was over & they were going home.  It's not that I don't want them around or that I don't like them, it's just that it is very hard to maintain an unruffled & pleasant appearance--very stressful.  They cannot seem to handle that I have emotions too--that sometimes I get angry & slam a door or yell.  So every other weekend I'm on eggshells.  And the youngest doesn't make it easy as I said--the whole one step forward, two steps back kinda' thing, so that's why I sought advice because I was really at my wit's end.  Here's what one woman had to say:
 
I think a lot of times "I don't like her" really means "I don't like that my life is changing and my dad is changing so I am going to try to change it back to the way it used to be." Unfortunately, this usually plays out as an issue with the woman who walked into the situation, wondering what she possibly got herself into. It's easier to blame the new person because "those issues were not there before."
Give space and take space. There is no rush. You do not have to like each other, just treat each other with common courtesy. At some point your BF will have to take your side and stand up for you. It is not easy for them to do.

That was very helpful because it reminded me that it does take time & we're still new at this--and there will be setbacks.  Another woman had this to say:

I think one thing to remember is all that you are feeling is normal. The fact that you enjoy your time without the stress of having the girls there. That's normal! The fact you want to send them back to their BM when you've had enough -- normal! And it's also normal for the kids to have wishful thinking that their parents will get back together or that they will have their father to themselves when they choose to be around him. All normal.

Reading the responses on the forum really helped me--I have come to realize that sometimes I must have "a grin & bear it, slap a smile on my face" attitude when I am being pushed around & hope that I can contain my own emotions without losing it & saying what I'm really thinking.  I do that a lot when the skids are around.  This step parent gig really is one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I know Xing Fu is worth the effort but sometimes it ain't easy being green.  

But I end on a positive note--a good encounter--this past weekend my "M-I-L" was in town with the stepdaughters here too.  Never easy but I decided to do my thing with my besties & go wine tasting--definitely needed--I took some space for myself--something else that was recommended by other step moms.  And then I took my DS (Dear Son) & the middle SD to a sold out  Jukebox The Ghost concert at the Ottobar.  The three of us had a great time--all of the bands were great--first was the Lighthouse and the Whaler, then Matt Pond, & then JBTG.  I was happy to take them & I think it went a long way in building a positive relationship with the middle SD. So I know it can happen--at some point mebbe I can have a positive relationship with the youngest SD like that.  I don't know, but I keep working at it--like going to a basketball game when I'd much prefer to be out with the BFFs more, etc.  Time, Time, Time.....

Christmakwanzakkah

All the stepmom articles, books, etc., love to point out how difficult the holidays are for blended families & I guess I'll get my real taste of that this year pretty soon.  Right now, I was thinking about how a smooshed family such as ours looks at the various celebrations out there.  My son & I are Jewish & light a Menorah, which we are currently doing in or window that looks out on all of the Xmas lights that I discussed in the last blog post.  But Xing Fu's kids are Christian so do we put up a tree, hang tinsel around the house & sing Christmas carols?  My ex is Christian & we never had a tree, deciding that his parents' house was enough tree & Xmas for the kid. I always bought a wreath--not one that was decidedly Xmassy, but one that sorta said, "Happy Holidays."  We did the latkes & Hanukkah at our house.  So at least he had both traditions.  Now, in our new family dynamic, we discussed the tree possibility & decided that since his kids weren't going to be around for Christmas, who would appreciate it anyway?  And, we don't have decorations for it either. I still hang the wreath, though.  I like how it feels celebratory. So, the decision was no tree & no decorations.  But, conundrum!  When do we pass out the presents?  And are they Christmas presents, Hanukkah presents, or some other variant like Kwanzaa? Hence, Christmakwanzakkah.

What will be our celebration?  There's Yule.  Which I just learned about at a Paula Poundstone show last Saturday.  Couldn't have planted a better person in the audience than this dude! He celebrates Yule.  Not the yule log but the celebration created by the Germanic peoples & apparently celebrated by neopagans.  It falls on the 21st (the end of days if you're a Mayan) & runs through January 1st. Of course Yule was integrated into Christianity so there are remnants of course--the yule log, e.g.  Yule is really a celebration of the solstice so that could be a fun time to have our family celebration....

Then there's "Festivus...for the rest of us." Created by the Seinfeld folk--Festivus is generally celebrated on December 23rd. There's the aluminum pole as an direct opposite to holiday commercialism, the airing of grievances, the Festivus Dinner, & the feats of strength. So here are a few other celebratory options.  Now we just have to choose a day to exchange our gifts & have a feast.... 

If I see one more potato latke I'm gonna brechen...made 60 latkes for my son's Christian school so they could experience a little Jewish culture.  Not a bad thing--there are about 10 of us making them so all of the boys can try.  Oy, the smell in my house!

Police Action

As is often the case, Xing Fu & I went to Annapolis last night. To see music--specifically, Graham Parker & the Rumour.  Good show--been a while since I listened to his stuff--like mid-80's.  We had a very nice evening & even Duke pulled out a win from Ohio State.  But that is only a very small fraction of this story....

When Xing Fu & I have stuff to do mid-week in the evening, I often take light rail to to meet him.  Saves me gas & the headache of the Baltimore Beltway & it is nice to sit & read my Nook uninterrupted instead of cursing out a bunch of stoopid drivers.  So I'm sitting there reading a good book, minding my own business, other than to hand the MTA transit police my ticket to show that yes, I did indeed purchase a light rail ticket.  All of a sudden I get a text from my son who is at home for the evening hopefully cooking himself dinner & doing his homework.  He is 15 & has been home by himself many, many times before.  The text reads, "Mom, I think we were just robbed."  OK, my heart just started beating out of my chest & I'm sure that my eyes were also bulging out of my head because what the flip can I do to help him stuck on the light rail at Lexington Mkt in the middle of downtown Baltimore??? I call him immediately & he proceeds to explain to me, rather calmly I might add, that he was downstairs in the house when he heard the front door crash open & a lot of running & someone (s)? clanging (his word) around upstairs making a lot of noise & then hearing them loudly run out, slamming the door behind them. He also explained that he yelled "HELLO!" numerous times & heard no response.  I immediately tell him to stay put downstairs because even though he thinks that they left, you never know.  I also told him to call the police & tell them to call him when they are outside the front door.  I then call Xing Fu to tell him what happened & thankfully he picks up right away. Xing Fu seemed far less concerned & asked me what could the police do if we were broken into?  I said, at least they could make sure that my kid was ok & that there wasn't anybody in the house & take a report of anything missing.  At this point I'm almost to my destination & say that I need to call back my kid & make sure he's ok.  He says that he's a little in shock & kinda upset but dealing.  I tell him to hang tight until the police arrive & then my call-waiting beeps.  All of this is happening on the light rail in front of about 20 other folk who I'm sure are enjoying the schadenfreude drama being played out in front of their eyes--poor mother with a house that was just robbed & a teenage son stuck in his room until the police arrive, which, since it's just a home invasion & they do not suspect that the perpetrators are still inside, so it is not considered a top of the list emergency & therefore they are not in any real hurry to get to our residence. And because my kid sounds like an adult man on the phone, the police don't know that he's still a kid & wouldn't be in any hurry anyway....

When I pick up the call, it is Xing Fu.  He tells me that he thinks it was his daughter who came in because she needed her work uniform.  She had apparently texted him earlier in the afternoon that she was dropping by.  Um, OK, that's fine, but HOW THE FREAK IS MY SON SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS???? Especially if he called upstairs & no one answered & that Xing Fu's daughter apparently made a hell of a lot of noise when she did come in.  I might be a bit alarmed myself....lesson learned in blended family how-to manual:

If someone is going to drop by unexpectedly or unplanned, and it is certainly fine to do so, please make sure that the folks who might be in the house already know that they are coming. We can then avoid calling the police to our door & otherwise setting the neighbors' tongues wagging....

Stepfamily Shuffle--2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Back

A blended family experiment went down last week in the form of 4 children (3 teens, 1 tween, 3 girls, 1 boy(not in that order for age)), and lo & behold it seemed to work pretty well for all involved.  After all of the drama & stuff from before we left, we all managed to go to the beach for a week & act like a "normal" family.  And upon reflection, I also think the week moved all of us forward in this circus we call stepfamily.  We laughed a lot with one another which is HUGE.  And I finally thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, Xing Fu & I could pull this thing off--that was one of the first times since moving in together where I truly felt positive about it all.  I think we all did.  

But, at some point the other shoe will drop.  And it did about three hours after we got back home (that didn't take long!).  The warm fuzzies just didn't last.  Sigh.  I know there was a lot of crap floating just under the surface for many of us--which of course resurfaced once we all got back to the happy homestead. "We all float down here." a la Stephen King....as in the sh** is bound to rise to the surface once again.  I was hoping that we could keep it at bay at least until the following week.  And to some extent, depending upon the situation, I see changes--case in point, one skid has a birthday & actively involved me--that request really made my day--that she was seeking out something that I had to offer for her special day (OK, a few days after the fact, but still).  I cannot begin to tell you how many points she gained with me--can we call this an Olympic score of 8.5?  I really want to have a positive relationship with all of the skids & this is the kind of interaction that continues those positive feelings--and really, sometimes they are very hard to come by....

I think about another milestone situation & am saddened because we (bio son & I are being excluded).  A work in progress, but it stings pretty deeply nonetheless.  And it does little to make me want to reach out & develop a close, positive relationship because every time I make the attempt, somehow, something always gets in the way which upsets the apple cart & we're back to square one. 

And here's where all the advice columns etc., get to me sometimes--I am supposed to be gracious & accepting, loving & understanding & NEVER show how these things affect me.  I am wondering, are there really those Fairy Godmother, Uber Stepmoms who can do this out there?  Can you send me some of your Uber Stepmom mojo??  'Cause I ain't feelin' it.

It's almost comical how things go from wonderful to sh*t so quickly.  I mentioned how great our week at the beach was & then how just a mere 3 hours later, it all got sucked out like the tide after a storm.  And last night--great dinner--everyone laughing & then, not even an hour later, it crumbled--Xing Fu & I just shaking our heads, WTF?? OK, true statement here, we are both deeply committed to making this work & are optimistic that eventually, prolly in at least a few years, it will come together. But, right now....well, mebbe it had something to do with scrubbing the dog pee out of the rug....