Mistaken Identity

Yesterday was my former MIL's funeral. It was held at a beautiful church in DC that for all my years being with my son's father, I'd never seen the inside of. I can imagine that during my MIL's favorite time of year, Christmas, it must have been absolutely amazing. It has the look & feel of a European/British church--much like the ones I visited while in England & France.

My parents, my son & I drove down & I was quite glad for my folks' presence as I made sure that my son sat with the family--namely his granddad & his father. But it made sense because of course they had a relationship with Sylvia as well. I would have been sitting alone in the back if they hadn't come too. Which is a big difference from when my son was born--they were in Western Maryland attending a friend's son's wedding & my MIL was in the room helping me give birth....we may not have seen eye-to-eye as I've said, but SHE was there when he was born & my own mother was conspicuously absent!

Anyway, the service was lovely, albeit long--maybe that's the way it's done there or even in that type of Christianity, I wouldn't know--most of my experiences are limited to Jewish services, usually shorter, or some Hindu meditation ceremonies. It was a great tribute to her life. I sat there listening to all of the "Jesus Christs" & "holy ghosts" & was wondering what my son thought of all that since he'd never attended a church service before. He did look around to find me a few times but I was proud of how he acted & looked--dress shirt, tie, & suit. By contrast his father was wearing an under-armor tee & khakis with closed-toe Keen knock-offs...at least it appeared as though he got a hair cut--perhaps at his father insisted.

After the service there was a gathering with food--very British tea-type sandwiches (cucumber, tomato, etc.), deserts & wine. I wasn't sure how to be here because I was no longer part of the family. I stood back with my folks & just watched. My ex & his new wife came in with the babies & it was just very sad. She was very dowdy (also dressed VERY inappropriately for the circumstances--black jeans & sleeveless sky-blue tee) & not very attractive--the first thoughts that came my mind were "lumpy" & "horsey" as well as her needing to see a good dentist immediately. The babies were cute as babies generally are, & at first drew some attention, but soon people drifted away from her & began to talk elsewhere obviously a bit put-off by her lack of social niceties. My son came over to us shortly & he stuck by me for a while & then drifted off to be by his granddad & aunt. I recognized most people there but felt uncomfortable about approaching them because I didn't know what they knew about me or had been told since the divorce. As I was standing with my mom, a woman approached me & told me "what an adorable family I had." I was just a little taken-aback by that comment & wasn't sure how to respond. She was indicating towards the two babies, one being held by my ex, & the other by his wife. My son was standing by my ex, talking to him. I must have looked at her slightly confusedly because she then said, "Your babies are so cute!" I just had to laugh slightly--& I still am as I write & shake my head. I told her that the oldest boy was mine & that I was my ex's first wife. She had thought that his new wife was a babysitter!!! Unbelievable! What's even more amazing is that she wasn't the only one who said these things to me--another woman did almost the same thing!

At this point I saw the daughter of one of my in-law's good friends. She & I had been close at one point so when she saw me she did a small, furtive wave at me--I guess a lot of folks weren't too sure how to approach. I decided that enough was enough. I walked over & we immediately hugged each other very tightly. After that, her father came over, whom I always had a soft spot for. He is like an old country gent--heavy drinker, boisterous, etc. He lives in Louisiana but until his own wife passed, they were always at the gatherings at my in-law's house. It seemed like more & more people relaxed after that & came over to talk with me & my parents. They told me that Sylvia said that I always made sure that my son came to spend time with them & how she was so pleased that I made sure of them maintaining a close relationship with my son. That my son was just gorgeous & so self-assured & what a wonderful job I'd done with him. It was nice to hear these things because I never knew what was said in the past. After that I began to circulate amongst the other people. They seemed genuinely happy to see me again, & had very complimentary things to say. By contrast, the new wife sat alone in a chair with one baby & talked with no one.

All in all, it was a very interesting time. My mom said I appeared gracious & acted very appropriately for the situation--she would know since she's been through similar types of gatherings with my dad's, her ex's, family.

So off to sail on my folks' boat now, after getting my car's emissions test done--blech!

If my MIL was still alive she's be glued to the French Open right about now....

R.I.P.

Rest in Peace, Sylvia.

We didn't always get along--she wanted a Christian daughter-in-law, she didn't think I accepted her son's "disability" (I still don't), & she felt that our values were too dissimilar.

However, she loved my son & was a super Granny--He was the light of her life. She came to realize that even though I wasn't the ideal DIL, I have done a great job, so far, raising her grandson & came to respect me because of it. We got along much better after the divorce & we grew to appreciate one another.

She had a loving family & tried her best to be a good mother--I think her daughter would say that she always supported her dancing--even going to most of her performances even into adulthood. That's pretty amazing--even my folks don't come to watch my belt tests in TKD. Although they did go see me in the community theater musical The Robber Bridegroom. So did my then in-laws....

She was a strong woman, even up until the end. At least my son was able to see her before she passed--my ex just missed his opportunity by an hour. I think she tried to hold out for him but just couldn't--for that I'm truly sorry.

God bless.

Dragonflies & Other Symbols

You take the pieces of the dreams that you have
Cos you don't like the way they seem to be going
You cut them up and spread them out on the floor
You're full of hope as you begin rearranging

Lovers Are Losing--Keane

They are fantastic flyers, darting like light, twisting, turning, changing direction, even going backwards as the need arises. They are inhabitants of two realms - starting with water, and moving to the air with maturity, but staying close to water. Some people who have the dragonfly as their totem have had emotional and passionate early years, but as they get older they achieve balance with mental clarity and control. They gain an expression of the emotional and mental together.

--WikiAnswers Dragonfly

This weekend has been very busy but also one in which I've done a lot of reflection. I guess since my MIL is dying it brings to the forefront lots of "Circle of Life" stuff. Friday night was great fun with my BFFs listening to music & dancing. I was also people watching quite a bit--sorta wondering what different people's stories were etc. It was the first time I'd seen this particular band without the sociopath in tow but I found that I was ok--plenty of guys to flirt with but I found I just wasn't serious about any of it--which was fine actually.

Come Saturday morning I was getting mentally prepared for the fitness test. I was fairly worried because although I'd been training, both with a personal trainer & running, I didn't know if I could do it. A lot of it was psychological head shit as I knew cognitively, but it was hard to think about it rationally like that. I was wondering if my body could take it, if my knees would buckle, if I'd get sick & pass out, or if I was even ready to test. I arrive at the HS where the test was & I realize that all those folk there, not only for their own kid, etc., were also pushing for me too--it is a pretty tight-knit community at my TKD school. One man, who was testing for his 1st degree in Gumdo (swords), had it down to a science with regard to getting all the push-ups & sit-ups done. He had it paced a certain way so that taking breathers were built into the time limit to complete the tasks. If it weren't for him I'm not sure I'd have made it. But what worried me the most was the run. I had to run 2 miles--this after all of the other tasks that were part of the test, by the way. To most folk that may not seem like a lot, but for me it is a massive task. Again, primarily psychological, but the last few laps were for me extremely difficult. Again, I was accompanied by two women who kept pace with me & urged me through the rough patches--they were just awesome! You were not allowed to break stride at all or you'd have to do the run again--something I really did NOT want to do again. After I was finished, I almost cried because I'd come such a long way in trying to get back into shape & be ready to test. I had done it & so many of the people there said that it was a massive accomplishment that most folk probably couldn't do unless they'd been training themselves (which most had not). I left the test feeling better about myself than I had in quite a while. Still kinda dealing with the junk with the sociopath, etc.

And my BFF(J) & I were able to go wine tasting too. Both of my BFFs were very proud of my test results--calling me before & after to check up. I am so lucky to have these amazing women as friends--I can't say that enough.

Saturday night I just crashed because I was so exhausted but as I fell asleep I was thinking about dragonflies. When the sociopath & I went to Virgin Fest last summer we were sitting down listening to Bloc Party when a bright green emerald dragonfly flew right in front of us, hovered for a few seconds, shining brilliantly, & then zipped off. It was absolutely beautiful & we had talked about that moment a few times during our time together. I was thinking about how things had changed since that time & how I felt like a dragonfly recently--zipping around--changing directions, & moving across the water. I think my next tat will be a dragonfly--not because of the sociopath but because of what it means to me. The water, dragons, & the future.

Today I took my son to see his grandmother. She doesn't have long. She really isn't lucid or too aware, but she did seem to know he was there. I told him that this visit really wasn't for him but for his Granny. He was so good--with his grandfather & his aunt. I was so proud of his maturity & his compassion. He was never selfish--he realized that this visit was for them. I am honored to be his mom when I witness times like this. What an amazing kid. It's tough enough for adults to confront death but for an almost 12 yo it has to be pretty brutal--but he is an old soul & in times like this that fact really floats to the surface. He will see her again on Thursday when I take him back down to Bethesda to see his dad. I offered to bring him down because of the circumstances right now--plus I don't think his dad may actually have a license anymore. I hope she lasts until then--she may be waiting to see her son. This is such a tough time but I hope my son can remain strong. But if not--I'll be there.

A Pause in the Action

Turns out that I won't be sailing this weekend. Actually should spend a little time with my BFFs since we actually haven't hung together for what seems like at least 3 weeks or so. Also have a lot going on in town too--my former mother-in-law is very sick with pancreatic cancer & the chemo has been stopped. She is in Hospice at home so I need to take my son to see her in Bethesda on Saturday because it appears her time is drawing near. I've been trying to prepare my son for the inevitable & he appears to be handling it fairly well but he'll need to see her before she loses the ability to know who everyone is, etc. My biological dad passed from cancer & the end was not pretty. He needs to see her before she looks too sick & scary. I have always had very mixed feelings about my MIL. She has always made excuses for my ex's behaviors & really never supported us when we were married but I've always maintained a cordial relationship with her--even with some fondness for her traditions. She is very British. I can appreciate her love of the Holidays--she used to cook amazing meals--love her Cottage Pie in particular. We've certainly had an interesting relationship through the years--I think she's come to appreciate me quite a bit recently since her new DIL is such a poor excuse. Ah well. At least my son will always remember her with only positives. My ex is flying in next weekend to visit her & he's planning to see our son as well so at least a visitation will happen since my son won't be going back out to Illinois anytime soon if the grandfather continues his 4 pack a day habit.

Another reason to stick around is the fitness test for my Black Belt test. I have to pass this in order to test on June 20th for my second degree. It consists of 150 push-ups, 150 sit-ups, 100 yd dash, a 50 m duck walk, & a 3 mile run. I am a little bit concerned about this--my body may not be able to do this but I guess I gotta try....

And maybe we may be able to squeeze in a little wine tasting too--haven't been in a while. Oh--and perhaps tonight going to see a great band at the 8X10--Papa Grows Funk. I really haven't done much to help my social life recently--except drink like a fish at the Miles. Which, if I recall, wasn't exactly a good way to meet new men when you are acting stupid. Note to self: don't do that again...

All this after TKD class too--maybe I do have a lot to do this weekend after all.

West on Wednesday

Can't seem to go too long without getting back out on the water. Back down on the West River, doing the Wednesday night races. My son & I climb into our car & high-tail it back down to Galesville to hop on board again. This crew is so good--like clockwork--makes my fumblings on Sunday look, well, like fumblings...but here is where I'll learn & then apply. I am just grateful to be included--my son as well--he just loves the experience. And, bless them, they didnt give me too much grief about my altered state on Saturday night after the race.

We had light air but we did very well--second place. I love it when things go well. I was back in the pit--getting to know this boat a bit more & what I need to do to be better on the team. My son, also enthusiastically, was up on the fore-deck helping with the spinnaker. Turning the marks were particularly good--the driver just made it so smooth. Too bad it was such a short race but again--just being part of this talented crew is worth it--& I get to join them again on Saturday for the Shearwater Twilight Race--Yehaw!!

Flying the Chute

Miles was a blast! The boat I was on was very old & really couldn't point much but the people who "own" it for their friend really want to learn to race so it's a good place to start. There were five of us: the "owners", a woman who is just learning how to sail, another man, & me.

I wasn't too sure about this race because as I mentioned the people weren't that experienced & neither am I; racing that is, which can potentially be a dangerous thing with a huge piece of equipment like a sailboat & 18-20 knot winds. Thankfully they had an experienced guy on board, at least for the race down to Miles. What I didn't know was that he wouldn't be racing back---

Going down was amazing--great wind, those of us who had some experience did well & there were no issues at all. Our start & the second leg, were most probably the best part of the race for us. We really did nail the start--even better then a couple of the more seasoned racers in our class of old Catalina 27's. Even though we came in dead last in our class, we weren't the last of the fleet to get to the Miles River Yacht Club. Most of the Cal 25's were behind us & a lot of the PHRF class boats came in after that. One of the most beautiful sights was on our downwind leg of the race--all of the spinnakers behind us, spread out across the bay--just a phenomenal picture.

We arrive & raft up with the other Catalinas & Cals along the bulkhead. Let the partying commence! And it was a massive one! My other boat was there--the SR-33, so I went on board to visit them & was immediately handed one of their regatta specials so now I was already a two-fisted drinker...needless to say, sailors are a loud bunch & it was a roudy night until 3 AM. There was a band & plenty of another sailing special: Dark & Stormy. This consists of Gosling's dark rum & ginger soda. It was not easy getting on & off boats when drunk--I wouldn't recommend it actually. Our outboard made it impossible to just step off onto the bulkhead so I had to hop onto one of our neighbor's & then step off--at 3 & 5 AM it is NOT fun. Of course we all woke up with massive hangovers & had to get ready for our gun at 10:40 AM.

Racing back was an adventure--especially for me because besides the folks running the boat, we'd lost our most experienced crewmember & the other woman didn't know how to sail at all. That left me as the only one who could remotely handle the sails in the pit. Which meant I was the one who was going to fly the chute. The start was a downwind run too. The gun meant getting the kite up & set to go. I was very nervous & hugely stressed--hangover was a thing of the past. All I can say is that when you are in control of such a massive & beautiful sail & you are able to fly it well--there is nothing more satisfying. It was just spectacular! It is just extremely hard to do. My shoulders are killing me now--but I wouldn't trade the experience for the world. And on a boat with a more experienced crew, I never would have had that opportunity.

It looks as though I'll sail with this boat again, but the folk on the SR-33 want me for some of the longer races too so I may have to switch off. I think this is a good thing because I can get the experience I need with a seasoned crew & apply that to the novice boat. By the end of the season, I will have an super racing skill set. Next up: Wednesday night in the West River, & Leukemia Cup amongst other potential races....I am loving all this sailing!

Miles, BayBay!

So I will be racing in the Miles River Race this weekend. I am so psyched about this opportunity. The Miles is a beautiful river where one can find St. Michael's--another gorgeous town on the Chesapeake. The race is from Annapolis to the Miles on Saturday & then a race back on Sunday. In between there is, of course, a party.

I am racing on a Catalina 27 this time & the crew will be sleeping on the boat--hmmmm...close quarters here especially with all the racing gear--sails, lines, etc. Most probably NOT the most comfortable. But at least we can hop off & use the head onshore when we arrive. And a shower in the morning before we leave. This is my first time doing a multiple day race over a longer course. Eventually I'd like to be able to do a Newport/Bermuda Race so this is a good start. At least on the longer tacks we can relax--sort of. It won't always be a crazy rush with the sails & riding the rails. Also different is that I'm racing in a class of all single types--in this case all Catalina 27s. Before I was racing in a PHRF (Performance Handicap Racing Fleet) class. For those who are interested:

PHRF Rating System
Performance Handicap Racing Fleet (PHRF) ratings are based on the speed potential of the boat, determined as far as possible on observations of previous racing experiences. It is the intent of PHRF handicapping that any well equipped, well maintained, and well sailed boat has a good chance of winning. Handicaps are adjusted as needed on the boat's performance so that each well sailed boat has an equal opportunity to win. This is the fundamental concept. PHRF ratings are not intended to reflect skipper and crew capability. Ratings are not adjusted to encourage a poor or careless skipper, and conversely, no rating adjustment is made to penalize proficiency. Intensity of competition and the influx of new and aggressive sailors require each skipper to maintain consistently high performance in order to place well.

I can't wait--my head is not on current events but somewhere out there near Annapolis. It is massively exciting as well as a super opportunity to continue to hone my crewing skills.

Hoping for fair breezes....