Ready, Set....

 
Go?  

It's beginning--the family is descending upon us....not a bad thing, but now all this prep is becoming a reality.  Not sure I'm ready for prime time yet.  I'm nervous & stressed but my kid--cool as cool can be--go figure, mebbe Saturday will be a different story.  I was so tense yesterday (mostly because of work related stuff), that I had...to....go...sailing.....(even if it was a Wednesday anyway).  Good race--only 3 of us crewing but we made it around the course & didn't finish at the bottom.

But I digress, this Bar Mitzvah thingy has really taken on a life of it's own.  I worry about the family dynamics (of which there are at least a few), my ex & his baggage (praying he's on his best & least obtrusive behavior), all the little details that we haven't thought about, etc., etc., etc.,....all I want to do right now is escape...Calgon, take me away!

I am quite excited & proud of my kiddo--he really has great presence & has got this truly under control--he's treated the whole experience with the right attitude, with respect, & with what I feel is true understanding--he's studied hard & consistently practiced.  I think he can look back on his day Saturday and see that he did "become a man" in some ways.  Right now he's gone to the baseball game with his cousins--glad he has the opportunity, as I did last night, to unwind & not think about Saturday & its implications.  But I, time to hit the ground running....so much to do, so little time.

Dragonflies & Other Symbols

You take the pieces of the dreams that you have
Cos you don't like the way they seem to be going
You cut them up and spread them out on the floor
You're full of hope as you begin rearranging

Lovers Are Losing--Keane

They are fantastic flyers, darting like light, twisting, turning, changing direction, even going backwards as the need arises. They are inhabitants of two realms - starting with water, and moving to the air with maturity, but staying close to water. Some people who have the dragonfly as their totem have had emotional and passionate early years, but as they get older they achieve balance with mental clarity and control. They gain an expression of the emotional and mental together.

--WikiAnswers Dragonfly

This weekend has been very busy but also one in which I've done a lot of reflection. I guess since my MIL is dying it brings to the forefront lots of "Circle of Life" stuff. Friday night was great fun with my BFFs listening to music & dancing. I was also people watching quite a bit--sorta wondering what different people's stories were etc. It was the first time I'd seen this particular band without the sociopath in tow but I found that I was ok--plenty of guys to flirt with but I found I just wasn't serious about any of it--which was fine actually.

Come Saturday morning I was getting mentally prepared for the fitness test. I was fairly worried because although I'd been training, both with a personal trainer & running, I didn't know if I could do it. A lot of it was psychological head shit as I knew cognitively, but it was hard to think about it rationally like that. I was wondering if my body could take it, if my knees would buckle, if I'd get sick & pass out, or if I was even ready to test. I arrive at the HS where the test was & I realize that all those folk there, not only for their own kid, etc., were also pushing for me too--it is a pretty tight-knit community at my TKD school. One man, who was testing for his 1st degree in Gumdo (swords), had it down to a science with regard to getting all the push-ups & sit-ups done. He had it paced a certain way so that taking breathers were built into the time limit to complete the tasks. If it weren't for him I'm not sure I'd have made it. But what worried me the most was the run. I had to run 2 miles--this after all of the other tasks that were part of the test, by the way. To most folk that may not seem like a lot, but for me it is a massive task. Again, primarily psychological, but the last few laps were for me extremely difficult. Again, I was accompanied by two women who kept pace with me & urged me through the rough patches--they were just awesome! You were not allowed to break stride at all or you'd have to do the run again--something I really did NOT want to do again. After I was finished, I almost cried because I'd come such a long way in trying to get back into shape & be ready to test. I had done it & so many of the people there said that it was a massive accomplishment that most folk probably couldn't do unless they'd been training themselves (which most had not). I left the test feeling better about myself than I had in quite a while. Still kinda dealing with the junk with the sociopath, etc.

And my BFF(J) & I were able to go wine tasting too. Both of my BFFs were very proud of my test results--calling me before & after to check up. I am so lucky to have these amazing women as friends--I can't say that enough.

Saturday night I just crashed because I was so exhausted but as I fell asleep I was thinking about dragonflies. When the sociopath & I went to Virgin Fest last summer we were sitting down listening to Bloc Party when a bright green emerald dragonfly flew right in front of us, hovered for a few seconds, shining brilliantly, & then zipped off. It was absolutely beautiful & we had talked about that moment a few times during our time together. I was thinking about how things had changed since that time & how I felt like a dragonfly recently--zipping around--changing directions, & moving across the water. I think my next tat will be a dragonfly--not because of the sociopath but because of what it means to me. The water, dragons, & the future.

Today I took my son to see his grandmother. She doesn't have long. She really isn't lucid or too aware, but she did seem to know he was there. I told him that this visit really wasn't for him but for his Granny. He was so good--with his grandfather & his aunt. I was so proud of his maturity & his compassion. He was never selfish--he realized that this visit was for them. I am honored to be his mom when I witness times like this. What an amazing kid. It's tough enough for adults to confront death but for an almost 12 yo it has to be pretty brutal--but he is an old soul & in times like this that fact really floats to the surface. He will see her again on Thursday when I take him back down to Bethesda to see his dad. I offered to bring him down because of the circumstances right now--plus I don't think his dad may actually have a license anymore. I hope she lasts until then--she may be waiting to see her son. This is such a tough time but I hope my son can remain strong. But if not--I'll be there.

Sailing Obsessions

Maybe I need to change my blog focus....or not. Actually I've recently been very obsessed with racing. It seems to have overtaken my desire to date...or not. But at least with racing I feel like I'm going somewhere (of course I am--I'm RACING!!). What I mean is that I'm moving forward, learning & getting better at sailing every time I'm on the boat. Which is massively satisfying. With this whole dating thing I feel stagnated, frustrated & at a loss. The dearth of appealing men out there--WHERE ARE THEY???? And where are the ones who sail? Bleh! What I find fascinating is last night's race & how that relates to dating....how, you may say...well, I'll tell ya'. Of the crew on the boat four of them met either crewing on that boat or on another one from the same racing group. So, as I said to one of the women who was 6 months pregnant (& still out there racing!), "There's hope for me yet."

Last night was amazing, though. It was rainy, messy & cold but my son & I put on our foul weather gear, sailing gloves, smartwool socks, & drove down to the West River to crew on an SR-33. My son was a trooper--I was so proud of him. It is tough to go out on a boat & crew for the first time in fair weather, but in the nasties, well...tons of props to my kid! He was part of the foredeck crew--he handled the downhaul for the kite this time. I was in the pit. Pit duties include the jib halyard, the main halyard, & the spinnaker as well. I also have to grind too. I liked being in the pit just as much as I enjoyed being on the foredeck of the J-42. It was a short race, but the captain & regular crew (of which I hope my son & I get to become part) were great. Particularly the sailmaster--he was so patient with my son--explaining everything & helping him do his job effectively.

After the race, which we lost, we all go over to eat at the place that sponsored the series: Pirate's Cove. They are set up for all of the sailors--and there are a lot--there's a buffet, etc., & everyone gathers to watch the video of the race & hang. It was a lot of fun--a great community. My son loved that part as well & it was too bad we had such a long drive ahead of us or we'd have stayed longer. The best part was that we will be back again in two weeks to race again. Both of us can't wait.

My cousin, who is also a sailor, pointed out to me on facebook that the last race I was in fell on my grandfather's birthday--April 18th. What a great tribute. Pops is no longer with us, but he was my hero--he was the original sailor. He would be so happy to see his greatgrandson out there like that. My son, for his part, finished the race with such great happiness & enthusiasm that I knew Pops was somewhere smiling, knowing that the sailing tradition continues.

The Ghost Lingers

If you were here
Would you calm me down?

The ghost of you lingers
It lingers
And I always think about it

Oh, would you calm me down?

From: The Ghost of You Lingers by Spoon

On Wednesday my son & I are going to the West River to race in the Pirate's Cove sponsored Wednesday Night Series Races. We are going to be on another boat to see if we can crew in future races. This is great news because I have many offers to race & multiple boats wanting crew. Many more than I thought would happen. Also super because this is yet another activity my son & I can do together--another thing we both love. He will get so much racing experience before he goes off to sailing camp this summer.

This is not such a good thing because a certain other person frequents this area quite a bit & the sailracing community isn't all that big. He doesn't race the big boats--thank god for small favors. However, opportunities may arise where we are both sailing out of the West River on the same day. I honestly don't think I'm ready for that possibility yet--not sure how to deal with that--there are overlapping social activities after racing out of that sponsorship. But I refuse to curtail my racing & socializing activities because of the possibility we may actually collide again some day. Just not quite ready.....

I have been asked to crew again on the J-42 this Saturday. I am so thrilled to be asked back--I never believed that I'd have so many opportunities to learn how to race & sail better. And on top of it all, have almost an every week time to get on the water--beyond my own family's boat--a sailorgrl can't ask for too much better than that!