Dragonflies & Other Symbols

You take the pieces of the dreams that you have
Cos you don't like the way they seem to be going
You cut them up and spread them out on the floor
You're full of hope as you begin rearranging

Lovers Are Losing--Keane

They are fantastic flyers, darting like light, twisting, turning, changing direction, even going backwards as the need arises. They are inhabitants of two realms - starting with water, and moving to the air with maturity, but staying close to water. Some people who have the dragonfly as their totem have had emotional and passionate early years, but as they get older they achieve balance with mental clarity and control. They gain an expression of the emotional and mental together.

--WikiAnswers Dragonfly

This weekend has been very busy but also one in which I've done a lot of reflection. I guess since my MIL is dying it brings to the forefront lots of "Circle of Life" stuff. Friday night was great fun with my BFFs listening to music & dancing. I was also people watching quite a bit--sorta wondering what different people's stories were etc. It was the first time I'd seen this particular band without the sociopath in tow but I found that I was ok--plenty of guys to flirt with but I found I just wasn't serious about any of it--which was fine actually.

Come Saturday morning I was getting mentally prepared for the fitness test. I was fairly worried because although I'd been training, both with a personal trainer & running, I didn't know if I could do it. A lot of it was psychological head shit as I knew cognitively, but it was hard to think about it rationally like that. I was wondering if my body could take it, if my knees would buckle, if I'd get sick & pass out, or if I was even ready to test. I arrive at the HS where the test was & I realize that all those folk there, not only for their own kid, etc., were also pushing for me too--it is a pretty tight-knit community at my TKD school. One man, who was testing for his 1st degree in Gumdo (swords), had it down to a science with regard to getting all the push-ups & sit-ups done. He had it paced a certain way so that taking breathers were built into the time limit to complete the tasks. If it weren't for him I'm not sure I'd have made it. But what worried me the most was the run. I had to run 2 miles--this after all of the other tasks that were part of the test, by the way. To most folk that may not seem like a lot, but for me it is a massive task. Again, primarily psychological, but the last few laps were for me extremely difficult. Again, I was accompanied by two women who kept pace with me & urged me through the rough patches--they were just awesome! You were not allowed to break stride at all or you'd have to do the run again--something I really did NOT want to do again. After I was finished, I almost cried because I'd come such a long way in trying to get back into shape & be ready to test. I had done it & so many of the people there said that it was a massive accomplishment that most folk probably couldn't do unless they'd been training themselves (which most had not). I left the test feeling better about myself than I had in quite a while. Still kinda dealing with the junk with the sociopath, etc.

And my BFF(J) & I were able to go wine tasting too. Both of my BFFs were very proud of my test results--calling me before & after to check up. I am so lucky to have these amazing women as friends--I can't say that enough.

Saturday night I just crashed because I was so exhausted but as I fell asleep I was thinking about dragonflies. When the sociopath & I went to Virgin Fest last summer we were sitting down listening to Bloc Party when a bright green emerald dragonfly flew right in front of us, hovered for a few seconds, shining brilliantly, & then zipped off. It was absolutely beautiful & we had talked about that moment a few times during our time together. I was thinking about how things had changed since that time & how I felt like a dragonfly recently--zipping around--changing directions, & moving across the water. I think my next tat will be a dragonfly--not because of the sociopath but because of what it means to me. The water, dragons, & the future.

Today I took my son to see his grandmother. She doesn't have long. She really isn't lucid or too aware, but she did seem to know he was there. I told him that this visit really wasn't for him but for his Granny. He was so good--with his grandfather & his aunt. I was so proud of his maturity & his compassion. He was never selfish--he realized that this visit was for them. I am honored to be his mom when I witness times like this. What an amazing kid. It's tough enough for adults to confront death but for an almost 12 yo it has to be pretty brutal--but he is an old soul & in times like this that fact really floats to the surface. He will see her again on Thursday when I take him back down to Bethesda to see his dad. I offered to bring him down because of the circumstances right now--plus I don't think his dad may actually have a license anymore. I hope she lasts until then--she may be waiting to see her son. This is such a tough time but I hope my son can remain strong. But if not--I'll be there.