Continued Fall-Out 6 Years Later

Even 6 years later my divorce continues to impact me & my son.  It is unfortunate that relationships still seem to be driven by old ghosts of the past.  So much so that an innocent misunderstanding becomes an ugly argument.  My son was picked up by his grandfather & his father to go to some kind of show with his aunt.  That was great since he hasn't seen any of them since his Bar Mitzvah in early June.  Even more pressing is the fact that his grandfather is in the process of moving away so that the only link to that side of the family that lives near-by is his aunt.  Incidentally, his father has been in town for most, if not all of the summer & has made very little effort to see his son.  So I have been most anxious for him to have any time with any of them.  

It seemed like a good plan.  They would go do their thing & then have him home by 10 PM.  (Usually it wouldn't be an issue for my son to stay out later on the weekends but he had made plans with a school friend to go to Kings Dominion very early & needed to get some sleep).  Around 9:45 I get a text from my child stating that he'd be home around 11.  I respond telling him that wasn't very good planning as he has a very early morning.  About an hour later he texts that it will be after midnight, at which point I become very concerned as no adult has yet to communicate with me about the fact that I was expecting him home by 10 & that he really needs to get sleep.  Since I have no idea what he's doing or where he is, I call his cell.  His aunt picks up & proceeds to tear me a new one about how I was constantly texting (um, twice???) & interrupting & how that's just like me to be upset that he's with them.  Now wait a HUGE minute!!  I could care less if he's with them--in fact I want him to be with them.  What I'm upset about is that no one bothered to call to say that the show (I found out what it was at that point) was way longer than what I was told.  If I knew ahead of time that he'd be later I would not have allowed him to accept the invitation to go to Kings Dominion.  This is as a parent concerned for their child not because of who he's with.  All this is lost on his aunt of course who is ranting about how typical this is of me, etc., etc.  I interrupt her & say that I was happy that he was with them & that frankly I didn't believe that there'd be a next time (because she is conspicuously absent from his life, as is his father, & now seemingly his grandfather) so I doubted that an event like this would happen again.  That was the absolute wrong thing to say as she quickly misinterpreted my meaning as a threat. She said, "Are you threatening to block access to my nephew?  How dare you!!"  At this point I'm blown away that she even had the nerve to say "How dare you!", as she rarely, if ever, tries to make arrangements to do anything with her nephew.  So I explain what I meant by the statement that I didn't think there'd be a next time.  I said that I was quite surprised that anyone was doing anything with my son since she, or anyone else for that matter, doesn't bother to try to see him (she wasn't even at his Bar Mitzvah), call him, or attempt to have a meaningful relationship with him.  (Obviously I am quite upset at this point as she has been acting as quite the affronted one & my intent was purely concern for my son getting home at a decent hour) So I let her know how very disappointed I am in the entire lot of them & in particular her, as I have encouraged her to visit, make arrangements, call, etc., to ensure that he has ongoing connections with that side of the family.  Her mother & I worked hard to do that & she knew how generous I was with them when she was still alive.  She admits that she's dropped the ball & said that her mother was the one who made all the plans.  OK, that's all well & good, but her mother is gone & someone needs to step up or my son will not have a relationship with any of them.  And talking to me is the first way to continue that (even if they hate me & think I'm a witch--this of course based on my ex's views only & certainly not on the fact that I've made sure that my son has visited them as much as possible when his father was all but absent from his life--go figure!) That has all been pretty much lost & since no one from his grandfather to his father feels that they need to communicate plans with me, & instead make all their plans with my 13 yo son--hence where the problem lies.  If they'd called me to tell me specifically when the show would probably end, I'd not allowed my son to go to the amusement park the next day.  But since I heard the details from a child, well, need I say more?  So of course the one who suffers the most here is my son--who would love to see his granddad & aunt but does not because no one wants to take responsibility as adults to make the time.  I hope that this little incident lights a fire under his aunt--but I'm not holding my breath.

Meet the Friends

 So as we move forward in this relationship, we start a blending of sorts.  After all of the craziness of the Bar Mitzvah & Xing Fu meeting most, if not all of my friends, he & I are moving more toward a together--a we.  I've met his mom (very nice lady, I must add, & I've enjoyed our times together), but thus far I haven't met too may of his friends.  Of course we overlap with regard to sailing folks so that's one area where we've already been a "we" for a while.  And I have met a few other sailing friends of his that I didn't know from the West River crowd, but up until this point, I haven't met any of Xing Fu's other friends.  

New opportunity this evening to go have dinner with former co-workers of his--people that he's kept in touch with for some time after he left the company.  It is important that both people begin to include the other person with significant people in their lives.  A lot of the dating websites out there as well as the advice columns in women's magazines often say that if the guy doesn't include you in his circle then watch out--he does not see you in his future really.  I'd have to agree with that statement having been on the receiving end of that type of little episode...the dodge & weave...ask to meet the friends & family & it never happens.  So I am very happy to have had that opportunity this evening (even if they were a bunch of "enginerds").  


Also last night was dinner at my folks' house & another opportunity to become more a part of my circle--it was nice & I feel as though things are becoming comfortable between my parents & Xing Fu (of course the ultimate test would be my dad handing him the keys to the sailboat--not sure that will happen, but I can wish).  


Again, upon reflection, it is just easy..and we just realized that we haven't had an argument...

Preparations

Insanely busy time right now--my son's Bar Mitzvah is occupying a lot of time & stress as well as the end of school activities & a major race this weekend.  I may have bald spots at the end of all this....

What I find hugely interesting & somewhat nerve-wracking is the upcoming interplay between all of the participants in this component of life's little drama.  I'm referring of course to the family dynamics, the exes, the mishpocheh, etc., & all of what that entails for the Bar Mitzvah.  I'm a bit nervous regarding my ex--his involvement & the fact that my boyfriend is very involved with me & my son--this is a whole new avenue for me to explore & one that makes Xing Fu & I have a bit of trepidation.  Many evenings & weekends, the three of us spend time together--recently I hosted a dinner for Xing Fu & his mother and the relationship between he & my son is evolving into a very nice one (Case in point: My son is excited to show off his summer camp to Xing Fu when we drive down to drop my son off). And, after all, he's only heard about my ex through me & my family & certainly little of it has been positive.  I hasten to add however, that there are positives--I do give credit to him about my excellent cooking skills that everyone claims I have now & the fact that I have a real understanding of how flavors & textures can work to create amazing things in food.  Certainly, many people, including my BF reap the benefits of my culinary talents. But the overarching theme is a decidedly negative one in reference to my ex.  I hope that he will conduct himself appropriately as this is a celebration of his son's accomplishments even if my ex is not Jewish, or for that matter, very Christian.  And certainly, my ex is welcome to be there, but his involvement in his son's life has been minimal to none.  I know my former father-in-law is very proud of his grandson as is my former sister-in-law & neither of them would even remotely want to create drama.  My ex, who knows, appropriate decorum was never his strong suit.  I will give him the benefit of the doubt--I just want my son's day to be a special & wonderfully memorable one that is free of the seamy underside of divorce & it's inherent drama.

As it stands right now--most of those who we've invited are coming to the event--there will be a ton of people.  I'm certainly thrilled that there are so many friends, & family who want to share with us--it makes me feel great that my son has so many people out there who love & care about him.

Another source of stress are the snoopers to this blog--I can never understand some people's fascination with all of this....  Last I heard, this country is founded on freedom of speech--and certainly I do not name names.  What are y'all looking for?  Condemnation?  Confirmation?  There are a lot of folk from all avenues of my life looking, looking, looking...some everyday & some with veiled threats....is my life all that interesting?  Apparently so for some out there!  I've been advised a few times to make this blog "Invitation Only", but I honestly don't want to do that--I have readers from Hungary to New Zealand to Germany & beyond--that's awfully nice, but why should I cut them off because various individuals are unhappy?  See, I'm not referring to my general readership who have very positive things to say, I'm talking about the stalkers--the negative ones.  Yep, I know that when one writes a blog & it's out there for the world to see,  it exposes the writer to certain criticisms, etc., but still....let it go!  I guess I'm flattered in a weird way....

Happy Birthday, Now Walk the Plank!

When it all comes crashing down
Try to understand your meanings
No one said it would be easy
This living, it ain't easy, oh

You were sewn together
with a tapestry of molecules
A billion baby galaxies
and wide open spaces

And everything you need is here
Everything you fear is here
And it's holding you up
It just keeps holding you up

No One Said It Would Be Easy--Cloud Cult

I must say that my birthday was pretty frickin' good despite a few set-backs. But in all honesty this is not the first time I've faced birthday disappointment. But I'll get to that later--first the good stuff: My cousins had a great crabfeast at their house on the Wye River. My cousin's birthday was yesterday & they usually use that as a reason to have all the family & friends down for an annual crabfeast. It was great seeing all of my cousins--one is my blog buddy & you can see her comments pretty regularly here--bloggers need those comments--its our bread & butter so I appreciate all of her posts. We don't get to see each other often so it was nice to catch up & she was also instrumental in helping me put my set-back into perspective--thanks by the way. Also seeing her husband--my sailing cousin--he took that pic--it was an honor to have a birthday sail with him. His sister, an amazing woman who I kinda, sorta grew up with & with whom I endured her brother's torment when we were around 10 or 11. They, together with their parents, sailed for 2 years all over the world when they were kids. Their boat, Wisp of Dawn, was their home--what a cool adventure when you're a child. I was always a little bit envious of them when I was a kid, but it wasn't always easy for my cousins--I learned that later. So they all sang Happy Birthday & I had a birthday donut for cake. Anyhow--it was a great way to ring in my 42nd year.

There were so many crabs left that I took almost a bushel home with me & then up to my BFF(A)'s house. She bought me a bottle of Molly Dooker's the Boxer for my birthday--nice! We all settle in for crabs (Round 2 for me) & later her husband plays a great rendition of Happy Birthday--ad-lib the jazz flair--such talent. Again, another super celebration for my 42nd--just reminds me of all I'm blessed with.

Birthdays are often a time for reflection & this one is no different. Last year this time my folks & I were dropping my son off at an overnight sailing camp for the first time. My birthday was celebrated down in North Carolina in a seafood family restaurant with my folks, my son, my BFF(J) & her family. Next week my son goes down to NC so we're a week later this year. But back to the reflection: My birthday has often been rife with interesting turns of events. My grandfather, the one who instilled in me my love of sailing, died a few days before my birthday & we had to sit shiva on my birthday that year. Another year I was fired from a job--on my birthday!! Who does that? I guess some folks do--yet another year I'd finished a course at Coppin & was on my way home to some birthday cake when I was pulled over & given a speeding ticket. On my 35th birthday I jumped off a 35 foot cliff into the quarry at Beaver Dam. So this year is no exception. But I always learn from these set-backs or thrill-rides. I believe this one should follow suit. The bottom line is: I am thrilled to be in my 42nd year--doing the things I love. Whatever disappointments I have faced & will face can only make me a stronger, better person. It's all good!

Mistaken Identity

Yesterday was my former MIL's funeral. It was held at a beautiful church in DC that for all my years being with my son's father, I'd never seen the inside of. I can imagine that during my MIL's favorite time of year, Christmas, it must have been absolutely amazing. It has the look & feel of a European/British church--much like the ones I visited while in England & France.

My parents, my son & I drove down & I was quite glad for my folks' presence as I made sure that my son sat with the family--namely his granddad & his father. But it made sense because of course they had a relationship with Sylvia as well. I would have been sitting alone in the back if they hadn't come too. Which is a big difference from when my son was born--they were in Western Maryland attending a friend's son's wedding & my MIL was in the room helping me give birth....we may not have seen eye-to-eye as I've said, but SHE was there when he was born & my own mother was conspicuously absent!

Anyway, the service was lovely, albeit long--maybe that's the way it's done there or even in that type of Christianity, I wouldn't know--most of my experiences are limited to Jewish services, usually shorter, or some Hindu meditation ceremonies. It was a great tribute to her life. I sat there listening to all of the "Jesus Christs" & "holy ghosts" & was wondering what my son thought of all that since he'd never attended a church service before. He did look around to find me a few times but I was proud of how he acted & looked--dress shirt, tie, & suit. By contrast his father was wearing an under-armor tee & khakis with closed-toe Keen knock-offs...at least it appeared as though he got a hair cut--perhaps at his father insisted.

After the service there was a gathering with food--very British tea-type sandwiches (cucumber, tomato, etc.), deserts & wine. I wasn't sure how to be here because I was no longer part of the family. I stood back with my folks & just watched. My ex & his new wife came in with the babies & it was just very sad. She was very dowdy (also dressed VERY inappropriately for the circumstances--black jeans & sleeveless sky-blue tee) & not very attractive--the first thoughts that came my mind were "lumpy" & "horsey" as well as her needing to see a good dentist immediately. The babies were cute as babies generally are, & at first drew some attention, but soon people drifted away from her & began to talk elsewhere obviously a bit put-off by her lack of social niceties. My son came over to us shortly & he stuck by me for a while & then drifted off to be by his granddad & aunt. I recognized most people there but felt uncomfortable about approaching them because I didn't know what they knew about me or had been told since the divorce. As I was standing with my mom, a woman approached me & told me "what an adorable family I had." I was just a little taken-aback by that comment & wasn't sure how to respond. She was indicating towards the two babies, one being held by my ex, & the other by his wife. My son was standing by my ex, talking to him. I must have looked at her slightly confusedly because she then said, "Your babies are so cute!" I just had to laugh slightly--& I still am as I write & shake my head. I told her that the oldest boy was mine & that I was my ex's first wife. She had thought that his new wife was a babysitter!!! Unbelievable! What's even more amazing is that she wasn't the only one who said these things to me--another woman did almost the same thing!

At this point I saw the daughter of one of my in-law's good friends. She & I had been close at one point so when she saw me she did a small, furtive wave at me--I guess a lot of folks weren't too sure how to approach. I decided that enough was enough. I walked over & we immediately hugged each other very tightly. After that, her father came over, whom I always had a soft spot for. He is like an old country gent--heavy drinker, boisterous, etc. He lives in Louisiana but until his own wife passed, they were always at the gatherings at my in-law's house. It seemed like more & more people relaxed after that & came over to talk with me & my parents. They told me that Sylvia said that I always made sure that my son came to spend time with them & how she was so pleased that I made sure of them maintaining a close relationship with my son. That my son was just gorgeous & so self-assured & what a wonderful job I'd done with him. It was nice to hear these things because I never knew what was said in the past. After that I began to circulate amongst the other people. They seemed genuinely happy to see me again, & had very complimentary things to say. By contrast, the new wife sat alone in a chair with one baby & talked with no one.

All in all, it was a very interesting time. My mom said I appeared gracious & acted very appropriately for the situation--she would know since she's been through similar types of gatherings with my dad's, her ex's, family.

So off to sail on my folks' boat now, after getting my car's emissions test done--blech!

If my MIL was still alive she's be glued to the French Open right about now....

Stuck-Up in Illinois

According to my son's new stepmonster, he is stuck-up. She said it to his 11 year old face. Now anyone who knows my son in any way cannot say that he's stuck up. Stuck up & my guy are a juxtaposition. She got mad at my ex-husband because he was paying too much attention to my son & not paying enough attention to her & her boy. One needs to understand that this was the first visit my son has had at his father's new place in Illinois since he moved there in September of 2007. You'd think she'd want my ex to pay attention to our son. But this merely points out that this woman is 1) very insecure, 2)silly, & 3)rather stupid because all she'll do is alienate my son from his dad even more. Oh well. This is just one part of the "weekend visitation" that my son had to endure.

The story:
As a family we all went to visit my sister & her family in Chicago for Passover. Part of that visit was that my son would go to his dad in a drab town about an hour & a half outside of Chicago. Passover was awesome--my brother-in-law outdid himself putting on an amazing seder for all of us & friends of theirs. He is a bit of a foodie as am I, so it was fun seeing all the amazing places he & my sis have gone to eat in Chicago & experiencing his own great cooking. It was good to be together & for the most part everyone behaved themselves--we all know how families get. I was able to spend very necessary time with my sister alone--even trying to teach her how to drive stick on her porsche. We always have such a great time together & we rarely get to see one another. Luckily, no princess room in sight, for me at least. Her daughter has a great princess room though--the addition of the gauze butterflies brought back some Florida rooms I know....

Anyhow, my son gets picked up at my sister's house on Friday. The fun begins: my ex looks horrible--I've described him before but now it was just...well...grotesque. When I was married to him he did not look like this cuz I'd never want to be around something like that. He & his new wife had driven up with the babies: a boy a year & a half & a girl just a few months old. Now this is a man living off the dole & he's squeezing out new babies like no tomorrow. They arrive in a Dodge Durango that reeks of cigarette smoke--my ex doesn't smoke as far as I know--more on this later. But even worse is that my son has to cram in between two clunky car seats with two screaming babies for the hour & a half trip back to Bumblefuck, Illinois. Barf!!

On Sunday my son is dropped off: He walks up to the porch & the cigarette smell rolls off of him in waves. I almost gag. He tells me that his step-grandfather smokes 4 packs a day & plays videos all day long. That is a huge health hazard--my son said he had severe headaches the entire time he was there. My sister & I shove him in the shower, dump all of his clothes--clean & otherwise into the washer & fumigate his coat, shoes & bags with Febreze. I got a headache just being near all his stuff. Not to mention the poor little babies--I may not like my ex or his simpleton of a wife, but those poor babies don't have a chance in hell not to develop asthma or other major health issues. My son begins to describe the squalor that my ex has now sunk to. Question as to whether or not there's adequate working sinks, cleanliness is definitely not a priority, & most folk there in this small house with 8 people & then the addition of my son do not work--only the brother of the stepmonster does apparently. You are getting the picture that just makes me shiver with aversion. Again, those poor babies. All I have to say about my ex is: I may have had to pay off a shitload of his debt, endure his lawsuit to change visitation & have to attend a "Special Issues in Parenting" Class, & deal with my poor son having to accept that his dad has moved away. But I have to say that ultimately I've gotten the much better end of the bargain here. I have a wonderful son who is most definitely NOT stuck-up but one of the most empathetic & kind boys I know with amazing talents--that no one in Bumblefuck, Illinois could even conceivably understand. I have a great house, albeit small. I've got a good job & my health (although I am feeling kind of sick at the moment). I have amazing friends who love me no matter what & a family that despite itself is there for me & my son. My ex doesn't really know my son & hasn't really participated in raising him for quite some time--he is missing out on raising this wonderful kid. I have self-respect & know that I am not relying on public tax money to support me. After all of this--my last comment is: Ain't Karma a bitch?