Silver Lining

And I was your silver lining
High up on my toes
You were running through fields of hitch-hikers
As the story goes


Hooray hooray
I'm your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold

Hooray hooray
I'm your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold

And the grass it was a ticking
And the sun was on the rise
I never felt so wicked
As when I willed our love to die

Silver Lining--Rilo Kiley

I think Saturday was a turning point in many ways. I feel like I finally saw the silver lining so to speak & the sun came out after the storm to mix as many hackneyed metaphors as I can. Of course the black belt test signifies a new beginning, etc. but what I'm really referring to here is about my break-up. A friend of mine once remarked that in a few months time I'd be ok. That was back in April I believe & at the time I was still struggling with what happened with the bull. I have to admit that I was in love with him & such an abrupt ending ain't easy. In fact, it seriously jolted my self-esteem, my ability to judge myself in a positive light & my general happiness. People may say that I should never allow a man that kind of power but I challenge anyone to tell me that after a blow like that, & it had nothing to do with physical appearance or specific problems as a couple, just his lying, cheating self, that they don't feel a little less jaunt in their step, or struggle to feel normal again. For the past few months I feel like I've been living in a bit of a fog (I know, I know, another hackneyed phrase) but that's truly how I felt--I'd go through the motions of thinking I was ok but never really being ok.

So, as I woke up on Saturday, I just felt so much better--to quote the song--I was the silver lining & now I'm gold. The little flirty me was back & feeling quite cocky again. It felt great. Again, do I miss things--yes. But I'm fine with it. The little turn of the knife when I remember things that I liked, or stupid silver volvos, or hearing Spoon, well--I have a smile now because it was great. It was an explosive & fiery relationship & I'm glad I went through that agony & esctasy. Yes, he still is a sociopath, & yes, what he did to me was reprehensible, but I gotta admit it was one pretty awesome roller coaster ride. I can only hope that the next relationship I have is as explosive & fiery but driven by genuine love and caring. I'm quite sure it will--

It's all good, er gold.