Blogoversary--Part I

So welcome to my blog--if only for my own cathartic need & if no one reads this, at least I know I have a place to spill my guts. Before I get to my cyber-stalker let me just give a little background on why I started this running dialogue of the trials of modern single-mom dating.

I have been on at least 50 first dates (most probably more) & truth be told it gets mighty frustrating out there. Most of these dates have come from my online antics & for the most part have proven that there are A LOT of men out there. Insert the but.... & you fill in your own blank. Unfortunately those men have been just so wrong--except for a recent one--I'll call him The Bull from Van Ness (TBFVN) (here's where the story title comes in).

We met online this past summer & it was a rather instantaneous attraction--musical tastes, check, sailing, check, hot sex, check, check, check....oops--intelligence, quirky world-view...my list could go on. But as all really great things often go as being too good to be true--so did he--as my boyfriend & rather recently(OUCH). You know the old commitment issue--so I fall prey.

However, he seems to have a bit of a penchant for fucked-up former girlfriends. (I like to think that I was the first relatively normal one) but I digress. I've listened to him have a conversation with one such chickie & it is scary what I found out--something to do with stolen credit cards, cash & a DUI. And after 2 years he still has some of her shit stashed away....do I need to say hmmmmm? Anyway the convo was a bit disturbing: threats that if she doesn't make arrangements to pick the stuff up, he'll tell her son what a fucked-up liar she is, etc. I won't say how he has access to her son's info because that'd be too revealing here, suffice it to say-he most definitely could locate him. Anyway, he seems to have collected a few ones like that, which brings me to the cyber-shit.

One of my friends has a blog that I follow pretty closely--check out the list--there it is. He told me a couple months ago that someone was tracking my posts to his blog. Googling my screen name & following the links. So I asked him if he could find out why, how & from where it originated. He couldn't but would tell me if they came back. Anyway, I then googled my own screen name & lo & behold up pops links to TBFVN. Interesting. Time passes & last week my buddy tells me that the stalker has hit again. This time he found out where it came from--now this is very interesting....the SEC! He says--"are you in trouble with questionable stock dealings?" Laughing, I reply--"no way!" But my little red warning light comes on to tell me that TBFVN must be involved--you know...D.C. & all. Now I know it has to be a woman too--who else would be remotely interested in my connection to the Bull? I'm thinking--how stupid is this chickie! Why would you cyber-stalk someone from your work computer anyway??? As it stands, I immediately call TBFVN & tell him that he needs to let the person know to cut the shit out. I know it's relatively harmless, but I think it's really uncool to pry like that into my life & for that matter, my friend's(not TBFVN)--& to leave a calling card! I may google a new guy & pull up court records for safety reasons but I don't go tracking his connections in cyberspace--that's just not right. In a twisted way--it's nice that someone was so interested in who I was that they felt the need to track me twice, but really! My now ex won't reveal who she is, but he assures me that he took care of it--I wonder--what threats did he make against her?

Sweet Mistakes

And if you love the girl man,
light up a torch
Blaze a trail to her front porch
Kiss her til your lips are scorched
Til the rain comes down on you

Bless your sweet mistakes,
That crumble you down to your knees.
That brought you to this place
Changing you by degrees...
When change was just what you needed... What you needed...

--Ellis Paul--Sweet Mistakes

Of course all shit breaks loose just before I leave for Amsterdam. Just when I'd begun to think it wasn't possible to actually meet a man outside of the contrived website dating extravaganza, I meet someone the old-fashioned way..through common interest--wine. We have been dancing around one another for about a year now. And last week when he saw me with another man (the one who's taking me to Amsterdam), he just couldn't leave it alone. He comes over for a visit & brings dinner from the place we both really like. I open a bottle of Pinot Noir---Soter 2005 from Oregon(yes I actually DO drink Oregon Pinots, believe it or not!). And well...no. not THAT. But we do discuss the attraction & he does ask me to wait a few weeks while he works some stuff out--bad break-up, etc. Here it is: the "knocks the wind out of me" feeling--the one I haven't felt since the bull. Both of our hearts racing, the line above: "kiss her til your lips are scorched." Wow.

And now, with the guy who is amazing enough to take me to Amsterdam, what now? He says he doesn't have expectations beyond companionship & adult conversation, but....he doesn't rock my world.... yet....I guess he might grow on me & I really MUST give him a chance. Dare I comment again; the nice guy. But my wine drinking friend is also a nice guy...with the edge I think I like...all I can say now is....WOW, what a ride!

Horoscope for Cancer

"Today's Solar Eclipse is in your introspective sign, signifying big changes in your life. You are at the end of one cycle, but not quite ready to start the next one yet. You may not be able to see the good news that's already coming your way. But don't push it; give yourself sufficient time to process what's happening before jumping into something new."


I had lunch with one of my mom's oldest & dearest friends. She told me that it was time for a fresh beginning, especially for love. Many indicators seemed to float about today of new starts, luck, etc. A solar eclipse in India & China--the longest of the century for example. Part of me wants to believe these portents & part of me says, "been there, done that."

Silver Lining

And I was your silver lining
High up on my toes
You were running through fields of hitch-hikers
As the story goes


Hooray hooray
I'm your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold

Hooray hooray
I'm your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold

And the grass it was a ticking
And the sun was on the rise
I never felt so wicked
As when I willed our love to die

Silver Lining--Rilo Kiley

I think Saturday was a turning point in many ways. I feel like I finally saw the silver lining so to speak & the sun came out after the storm to mix as many hackneyed metaphors as I can. Of course the black belt test signifies a new beginning, etc. but what I'm really referring to here is about my break-up. A friend of mine once remarked that in a few months time I'd be ok. That was back in April I believe & at the time I was still struggling with what happened with the bull. I have to admit that I was in love with him & such an abrupt ending ain't easy. In fact, it seriously jolted my self-esteem, my ability to judge myself in a positive light & my general happiness. People may say that I should never allow a man that kind of power but I challenge anyone to tell me that after a blow like that, & it had nothing to do with physical appearance or specific problems as a couple, just his lying, cheating self, that they don't feel a little less jaunt in their step, or struggle to feel normal again. For the past few months I feel like I've been living in a bit of a fog (I know, I know, another hackneyed phrase) but that's truly how I felt--I'd go through the motions of thinking I was ok but never really being ok.

So, as I woke up on Saturday, I just felt so much better--to quote the song--I was the silver lining & now I'm gold. The little flirty me was back & feeling quite cocky again. It felt great. Again, do I miss things--yes. But I'm fine with it. The little turn of the knife when I remember things that I liked, or stupid silver volvos, or hearing Spoon, well--I have a smile now because it was great. It was an explosive & fiery relationship & I'm glad I went through that agony & esctasy. Yes, he still is a sociopath, & yes, what he did to me was reprehensible, but I gotta admit it was one pretty awesome roller coaster ride. I can only hope that the next relationship I have is as explosive & fiery but driven by genuine love and caring. I'm quite sure it will--

It's all good, er gold.