Sunday, January 22, 2012
Recently I've been reading more relationship stuff--not because I think things are stale but because I always think that we can improve. (Well, mebbe one time Xing Fu mentioned that he thought something was kinda like a relationship rut--TV on, or something like that) Anyway, that kind of off-hand comment usually sends my antennae a-quiver & I'm off to the races looking for stuff to prove & fix that 1) there ain't no rut & 2) if there is, then let's do this....
From Yahoo Shine:
Say "please" & "thank you"--The logic here is that you won't take each other for granted--we actually talk about that a lot. Kiss every morning & say "good morning" while you're at it. Grab each other's butts everyday (or every other). Cuddle--This one's huge, imho. Switch doing dishes--our rule is if one person cooks, the other cleans up--takes the conflict out of it. Spend at least one night a week with other people (family, friends, etc.) not holed up by yourselves. Practice honesty--even when it makes you or your SO uncomfortable--so incredibly important--if you cannot be open & talk honestly to one another, & avoid difficult topics that throw those speed bumps into the relationship, then I begin to question how long it can continue without dealing with them. And while you're at it--listen to each other. These pieces of advice seem kinda obvious but we often quickly lose sight of the obvious stuff--it was good to come across this little article to remind me.
The second one came as a spin off of the first article--from Your Tango.
A lot are the same but I really liked this little tidbit in particular. When you can't decide where to eat, what movie to go to (except us--we're working on 2+ years of NO dinner & a movie dates), & instead of being wishy-washy & non-committal, do this:
"If you and your partner are indecisive about where to eat or what movie to watch, play the "5-3-1" game. One person names five choices, the other vetoes two of them, and then the first person eliminates the remaining two. Ta-da, no more "Where you do want to eat?" "I don't care, what do you want to do?"
Good stuff! I also liked not sweating the small stuff--in other words, if Xing Fu says that Queen's News of the World album was released in 1976 & I know it is 1977, I may want to choose to let that one slide, unless it was a challenge....
Another piece of advice that dovetails with that is not saying something like "I told you so," when the other person admits fault--instead, let it go--accept it & MOVE ON! (I sometimes need to remind myself of this--I guess because I am often suspicious that an admittance of fault is somehow disingenuous.) Along with that is to remind yourself to think before you speak--particularly when having a disagreement. Pause, gather your thoughts, & let some of the irrational thoughts go. Then say what you need to say. Difficult to do when there is a lot of emotion, but the outcome is often waaaay better.
And lastly, (this appeals to the writer in me):
"Play the "He's Not an A**-hole" game. Whenever you feel angry at him, imagine that you're a novelist (or a movie writer) assigned to write a story in which your man is the protagonist. That way, you'll have to think of the situation from his point-of-view and make him sympathetic to readers and viewers."
Good, solid relationships take hard work--particularly when communicating with one another. I was remarking to my friend the Zen Bicyclist that I work harder in this relationship than any I have previously--mebbe it's an awareness that I never had before or maybe it's because I think Xing Fu is really worth it. And I'm not complaining about the work--I love the outcome & it reminds me that I know that I have it right.